Petty for the sake of being petty - Update post #52

[china mom]

I am trying to suppress the urge to be petty. I am trying.

The story: My estranged brother died Jan 20 leaving myself and one brother as survivors. No other relatives, spouses, children etc. Deceased brother had a very large group of friends and also happened to be a hoarder. Some of the friends took it upon themselves to spend about two weeks visiting the house and letting themselves in to feed and try to catch the cat. He lives far enough away that I was grateful that someone was taking care often cat issue. About two or three weeks later, I went by the house with my brother and found and captured the cat within five minutes.... was their trying to catch the cat a ruse? hmmm.

One of the friends told my brother that he had taken musical instruments and camera equipment from the house "for safekeeping" because they were in view of the front door and could be stolen. I asked myself why didn't they just move the stuff out of sight as there are plenty of out of sight places.

My brother has asked this individual several times to provide photos and or a list of the items he took from the house. There has been no response.it has been three months today. I waiver between giving the friend the benefit of the doubt about this and assuming rightful intentions and the thought that he has stolen these items.

Here is the questions about pettiness. I have no interest in anything in the house except, if located, my late father's trombone. But, I have a strong sense of moral outrage that this individual has no right to do what he did. It should be up to my brother and I to decide what happens to the stuff, whether it be to keep it, sell it or divide it up amongst his other friends. Am I petty if I have the estate lawyer send the guy a demand letter asking for the property back? Even if I have no interest in the stuff and don't really care what happens to it?

 

[CdnCarrie]

My first thought that if you were estranged and there were others helping him/in his life they are more "due" (for want of a better word...) some momentos.

 

[kymom99]

I am trying to suppress the urge to be petty. I am trying.

The story: My estranged brother died Jan 20 leaving myself and one brother as survivors. No other relatives, spouses, children etc. Deceased brother had a very large group of friends and also happened to be a hoarder. Some of the friends took it upon themselves to spend about two weeks visiting the house and letting themselves in to feed and try to catch the cat. He lives far enough away that I was grateful that someone was taking care often cat issue. About two or three weeks later, I went by the house with my brother and found and captured the cat within five minutes.... was their trying to catch the cat a ruse? hmmm.

One of the friends told my brother that he had taken musical instruments and camera equipment from the house "for safekeeping" because they were in view of the front door and could be stolen. I asked myself why didn't they just move the stuff out of sight as there are plenty of out of sight places.

My brother has asked this individual several times to provide photos and or a list of the items he took from the house. There has been no response.it has been three months today. I waiver between giving the friend the benefit of the doubt about this and assuming rightful intentions and the thought that he has stolen these items.

Here is the questions about pettiness. I have no interest in anything in the house except, if located, my late father's trombone. But, I have a strong sense of moral outrage that this individual has no right to do what he did. It should be up to my brother and I to decide what happens to the stuff, whether it be to keep it, sell it or divide it up amongst his other friends. Am I petty if I have the estate lawyer send the guy a demand letter asking for the property back? Even if I have no interest in the stuff and don't really care what happens to it?

That’s what I was going to suggest.

 

[Marrila]

I'm sorry for your loss. Playing tug-o-war with these folks doesn't seem like time well spent. Sometimes it's best to just move on.

 

[RoseGold]

If you don't want the stuff, who cares? If you do want the stuff, pick up the phone or have the lawyer write a letter.

 

[china mom]

My first thought that if you were estranged and there were others helping him/in his life they are more "due" (for want of a better word...) some momentos.

That is where my head has been for most of the past few months but on the other hand, who is he to be the arbitrator of who gets what? Shouldn't he at least provide us with a list of what he took so we can say if we want a certain item to go to a different friend? What if one of the instruments in the missing trombone which does have sentimental value to me?

 

[mom2rtk]

It's theft. Have the attorney send the letter. See what's there, get the family items you want to keep, then distribute however you see fit, including letting the friend decide if you are so inclined.

 

[lovesmurfs]

I guess I give the guy credit for telling you he removed the stuff. If he didn't say anything, would you have known?

If you have his address, I guess I'd show up on his doorstep the next time you go to visit the house.

 

[BamaGuy44]

I don't think it's right if they helped themselves to his stuff unless he expressly told them they could have it after he was gone, which it doesn't sound like that was the case. Definitely a jerk move. At the same time, I don't know how much emotional energy I would invest trying to deal with these people. If I had no interest in the stuff, it would be way more trouble and stress than it's worth (to me) to fight with them about it.

If a quick letter from a lawyer would do the trick, might be worth it. Beyond that I would just let it go and let them be jerks. Life is too short.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Sorry for your loss.

Thinking on it, if you don't really want these things maybe consider them a gift to the friend for taking care of the cat and write it off instead of holding on to the propriety of the arrangement. Yes, it was out of turn but this friend and friends stepped in to make sure an animal that was abandoned survived, so they get points for that. Even if the cat was catchable for you maybe the friend is slower, disabled in some way or something else so it was a much bigger task for them.

Truly, it is your right to press the issue. However, these persons did step in for an extended period so unless you think there was some large scale theft you want to put right, really I would let it go. I say this knowing full well that I am often out of step with how other people see and do things but, to me, kindness prevails. Even if you do this from a math point of view this friend may have bought food and cleaned litter boxes. Their time is valuable, paying a pet sitter $100 a day in and out to prevent the animal from destroying the entire house matters, if the animal was left on its own not only would it have died but it would have destroyed everything in the house. If there was a true accounting you probably owe this person more than they took, unless the items were somehow special.

 

[LuvOrlando]

That is where my head has been for most of the past few months but on the other hand, who is he to be the arbitrator of who gets what? Shouldn't he at least provide us with a list of what he took so we can say if we want a certain item to go to a different friend? What if one of the instruments in the missing trombone which does have sentimental value to me?

Ask about that specific item, it is special, therefore, nothing petty about getting it back. Do you have the friends address? If so, I would knock on the door and ask point blank.

 

[CdnCarrie]

That is where my head has been for most of the past few months but on the other hand, who is he to be the arbitrator of who gets what? Shouldn't he at least provide us with a list of what he took so we can say if we want a certain item to go to a different friend? What if one of the instruments in the missing trombone which does have sentimental value to me?

Yes he shouldn't just be taking thing for sure!

 

[china mom]

OK, this changes things a little. I just got off the phone with the surviving brother. Initially, he and I were in agreement that there was likely nothing we wanted from the house and we were going to hold kind of an open house for the friends to have a chance to identify items that they wanted. But, now he is as annoyed with this guy as I am. My nephew just started taking a photography class in high school so they have to buy a bunch of photography stuff for him. It would be very convenient if he could just have the cameras from the house.

 

[china mom]

I guess I give the guy credit for telling you he removed the stuff. If he didn't say anything, would you have known?

If you have his address, I guess I'd show up on his doorstep the next time you go to visit the house.

We might not have known but we would have suspected. We are not sure who has been in the house but we knew for sure he had been and we knew that there should have been some rather expensive musical instruments and equipment and photography equipment.

 

[LuvOrlando]

OK, this changes things a little. I just got off the phone with the surviving brother. Initially, he and I were in agreement that there was likely nothing we wanted from the house and we were going to hold kind of an open house for the friends to have a chance to identify items that they wanted. But, now he is as annoyed with this guy as I am. My nephew just started taking a photography class in high school so they have to buy a bunch of photography stuff for him. It would be very convenient if he could just have the cameras from the house.

Does the brother who passed have an estate? Maybe if you request an accounting of friend's time and expenses so you can reimburse the friend from the estate things might move along a lot more smoothly, in my experience, money has a way of smoothing over rough edges. Remember, if you all were estranged you have no idea what your brother may have said about you and the friend will believe whatever they were told. It's not likely to break in your favor naturally & lawyers are $$$ so sweeten the pot a smidge and see what happens.

 

[china mom]

...Even if the cat was catchable for you maybe the friend is slower, disabled in some way or something else so it was a much bigger task for them.

I am likely the more disabled person right now but I will concede that it may have just been dumb luck.

Truly, it is your right to press the issue. However, these persons did step in for an extended period so unless you think there was some large scale theft you want to put right, really I would let it go. I say this knowing full well that I am often out of step with how other people see and do things but, to me, kindness prevails. Even if you do this from a math point of view this friend may have bought food and cleaned litter boxes. Their time is valuable, paying a pet sitter $100 a day in and out to prevent the animal from destroying the entire house matters, if the animal was left on its own not only would it have died but it would have destroyed everything in the house. If there was a true accounting you probably owe this person more than they took, unless the items were somehow special.

I cannot cede this point. The entire house was this cat's litterbox and there was plenty of food left by the brother as well as new litter. The house has always been destroyed. It is a hoarder house there was noting any animal could have done to destroy it even further. I do appreciate that they cared that the cat didn't die and it did save me from having to drive there for the couple of weeks but that has a value of maybe $100 total, not $100 per day.

 

[persnickity]

I'd let him know that there are a couple of specific items that your family is interested in, but that you'd like to talk to him about distributing most of his musical equipment and some of his other "valuables" to his friends. Ask if he could help with that. Maybe he'll come out of the woodwork, and it will reduce the amount of stuff you need to deal with. (I'd really hate being the recipient of a house full of a sibling's stuff, personally - such a lot of work to get rid of it.)

Was he responding to you pretty reliably before this? I do agree that I'd be miffed about this, but people get grabby when someone dies, I'm sure we've all been witness to that.

 

[china mom]

Does the brother who passed have an estate? Maybe if you request an accounting of friend's time and expenses so you can reimburse the friend from the estate things might move along a lot more smoothly, in my experience, money has a way of smoothing over rough edges. Remember, if you all were estranged you have no idea what your brother may have said about you and the friend will believe whatever they were told. It's not likely to break in your favor naturally & lawyers are $$$ so sweeten the pot a smidge and see what happens.

We have begun the process of opening an estate. He died without a will. We have no idea if there is money (there was some at one time) or what his creditors will go after. The house is worth about $15K (not a typo) I believe that he was on medicaid so the state will likely go after whatever funds we find. He wasn't paying property taxes so I had to pay them today to avoid a tax sale. Hence, I do not want to make any promises of payment to anybody.

My brother fronted the cremation expenses but according to the laws in our state, funeral expenses are paid back before creditors are so he should be fine..

Even though I paid the property taxes, I would rather be in the hole for that than deal with the hassle of selling stuff but my brother told me today that he wants to try to sell anything of value. Apparently he has been thinking about this already because he was talking about the value of the vintage computer stuff.

 

[china mom]

I'd let him know that there are a couple of specific items that your family is interested in, but that you'd like to talk to him about distributing most of his musical equipment and some of his other "valuables" to his friends. Ask if he could help with that. Maybe he'll come out of the woodwork, and it will reduce the amount of stuff you need to deal with. (I'd really hate being the recipient of a house full of a sibling's stuff, personally - such a lot of work to get rid of it.)

Was he responding to you pretty reliably before this? I do agree that I'd be miffed about this, but people get grabby when someone dies, I'm sure we've all been witness to that.

I have never interacted with him. He had been working with my brother. From what my brother says, he initially was communicating but never responded to the request for a list of items. He has had no contact since the memorial service a ew weeks ago. He told me today that he will try again.

 

[mom2rtk]

We have begun the process of opening an estate. He died without a will. We have no idea if there is money (there was some at one time) or what his creditors will go after. The house is worth about $15K (not a typo) I believe that he was on medicaid so the state will likely go after whatever funds we find. He wasn't paying property taxes so I had to pay them today to avoid a tax sale. Hence, I do not want to make any promises of payment to anybody.

My brother fronted the cremation expenses but according to the laws in our state, funeral expenses are paid back before creditors are so he should be fine..

Even though I paid the property taxes, I would rather be in the hole for that than deal with the hassle of selling stuff but my brother told me today that he wants to try to sell anything of value. Apparently he has been thinking about this already because he was talking about the value of the vintage computer stuff.

You and your brother definitely deserve to be reimbursed. I hope you find resolution.