Personality change after major surgery?

[DisneyOma]

OP, he needs to be seen by his doctor, therapist, etc. For whatever reason, he needs some attitude adjustment. If he refuses, point out how he has changed, that what he says hurts you, and he needs help. If he still refuses to get help, smack him. (I'm just kidding about smacking him, well, maybe...)

Actually, if my husband had said anything like this to me, I'd have left him. I might have called him out on the first insult, and asked him where it was coming from, but after that? If he didn't know why, he'd be seeing a therapist and I wouldn't be back until he figured it out. If he had anxiety, depression, anger issues from the attack and surgery, and he figured it out, I'd stay as long as he admitted to the issues and agreed to do something about it. But no sitting and wallowing in a pity-puddle.

 

[amberpi]

I had a major brain injury (I don't know why this is coming up on the Dis so much very recently), died for 3:35, coma for 6 days, hospital for 10 weeks. I came out a much better, more spiritual, and grounded person. Like a PP said though, I have 0 tolerance for BS though or people wasting my time, even more than I did previously because I know how precious life is. I've been going to a therapist since to deal with the whole "death" thing. I had moments where I would cry when I couldn't get off the real toilet yet, but it made me work harder. I can still get frustrated, hell, I cried the other day because my weight can still set the airbag thingie off in my mom's SUV. I saw/see so many people in physical therapy even now that really become horrible. They blame everyone for something that was no one's fault. Therapy I'm sure would help, but I feel for you. My mom would get her feelings hurt if I didn't eat enough, not because it wasn't delicious (god, food is SO good if you can't eat for 7 weeks) but because my stomach shrunk so much from J-tube feeding. Its all super complicated for him, and of course it is for you too. I hope you can both find someone wonderful to work with individually and as a couple. There are free resources at your local mental health organization or a free support group might do wonders. I'll send ya'll all the best, I wish he could feel how much of a miracle he is, like I do, all the time.

 

[Allison]

Just so folks know, the original post is 5 years old so the issues have probably been addressed.

 

[amberpi]

Just so folks know, the original post is 5 years old so the issues have probably been addressed.

I just saw that and was like WHEN WILL I LEARN to look at the original posting date!!!

 

[Allison]

I just saw that and was like WHEN WILL I LEARN to look at the original posting date!!!

Been there.

 

[Bilberry]

I've read about that after open heart surgery. Apparently many experience some sort of personality change. At least from what I've read, the personality change is thought to come from the oxygenation machine not being entirely effective. A lack of oxygen is thought to result in some level of brain damage.

You can do a google search on the topic and find discussions about it.

We recently had a friend go through bypass surgery. I've heard his wife is commenting that her husband is bossy and argumentative now. The change is theorized by others to be due to being at home resting indoors. Once back outside he will be back to his old self. That might be the case. I'm guessing the personality change will be permanent but that is just my guess.

 

[anniemae]

this thread is from 2012

 

[McKitty]

Has anybody on here had to deal with a loved one going through a major - almost 180 degree - personality change after a major surgery or life saving operation?

Did it change overnight or slowly over the years? Did it stay that way or did it change back to how they were after awhile or a liveable percentage split of the new/old personality?

Ever since DH had his heart attack and quad bypass surgery last July, it's been hard, really, really hard. It is like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, with Mr Hyde being around a lot more. But when Dr Jekyll is around, it's just like before he got sick.

When Mr Hyde is around, he's rude, mean, and says the most hatefull hurtfull things. He doesn't care if DS17 or DD15 can hear him rip me apart. I caused his heart attack and bypass surgery. Nothing I do is correct. I don't fix dinner correctly. I don't clean the house correctly. I don't buy the right food. I don't take care of myself correctly, but when I wear certain shirts or jeans to work, he questions who I'm dressing sexy at work for. There is nothing sexy about the clothing that I am wearing.

The knife today was him telling me that the last quarter century has been a total waste of his time. It's to bad he can't hit restart and go back and fix the biggest mistake he ever made in his life. We started dating 25 years ago on July 7th.

I love him, but I don't know how much more I can take of the mental beat down. I know they told me to watch for personality changes before we left the hospital, but I never expected this. I've talked to my minster, DH won't. There is no insurance coverage or money for outside help. With his mind frame, if I told him that if he doesn't get some help to control the anger (or whatever it is sending him to Mr Hyde) that I am gone, he would tell me good, would make his life a 1000 times better. I don't want that, I just want my old husband back.

 

[McKitty]

I could have written your scenario...I went through the same thing for 2 years after my husband had 2 surgeries within a year. The fun-loving, happy, kind, humorous man I had married 15 years before vanished, and a nasty, mean man took his place. I spent 2 years basically in tears from hurtful things..I bent over backwards trying to make him happy again, but nothing worked. I finally had enough and left. It's 6 months later, and I'm so happy now. When he emails me, it's the same nasty man I left. I thank my lucky stars that I decided to leave and actually enjoy my life. Unfortunately, I don't think these long-lasting anesthesia caused personality changes ever go away, and life is too short to waste with a miserable day to day life. You deserve better.

 

[Percy41]

OP, he needs to be seen by his doctor, therapist, etc. For whatever reason, he needs some attitude adjustment. If he refuses, point out how he has changed, that what he says hurts you, and he needs help. If he still refuses to get help, smack him. (I'm just kidding about smacking him, well, maybe...)

Actually, if my husband had said anything like this to me, I'd have left him. I might have called him out on the first insult, and asked him where it was coming from, but after that? If he didn't know why, he'd be seeing a therapist and I wouldn't be back until he figured it out. If he had anxiety, depression, anger issues from the attack and surgery, and he figured it out, I'd stay as long as he admitted to the issues and agreed to do something about it. But no sitting and wallowing in a pity-puddle.

You do not show any appreciation for the damage inflicted on the man by his medical experience. You also seem to think one can just "adjust" personalities and behaviors affected by serious surgical trauma somehow -- say, with a screwdriver -- and that, if that failed, you'd just leave the guy. Who can competently do this kind of "adjustment," as you put it, how, and how long it takes seem beyond the scope of your interest and your knowledge. In short, your selfishness is showing. It's all about you, isn't it? We're in the real world, not the Magic Kingdom. All this tells me he'd probably be way better off without you. After all, if marriage involves dealing with challenges that are unpleasant, who needs it?

 

[LovesTimone]

You are not a verbal punching bag...

To me it seems he is taking everything out on you. Like you cause the heart attack, could it be that he's mad that you are the same and he has had a illness, His perception of himself has changed he is not indestructible, and feels that he might have lost some of his manhood because of this... and maybe this is his way to feel better about himself, by attacking you.

I would talk to his Dr.... maybe he needs some type of counseling, or someone to talk to like a pastor, maybe a group setting.

What if the verbal becomes physical?... As well what about how this is affecting your children?

You have to protect your kids, and you need to take care of yourself... maybe you to should think about talking to someone a good friend, pastor or even a counselor of some sort.

 

[kimmar067]

Yes, mood and personality changes after heart surgery are VERY common.....

.....OMG, yes!.....happened to my M-in-L....

 

[2China2009]

Has anybody on here had to deal with a loved one going through a major - almost 180 degree - personality change after a major surgery or life saving operation?

Did it change overnight or slowly over the years? Did it stay that way or did it change back to how they were after awhile or a liveable percentage split of the new/old personality?

Ever since DH had his heart attack and quad bypass surgery last July, it's been hard, really, really hard. It is like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, with Mr Hyde being around a lot more. But when Dr Jekyll is around, it's just like before he got sick.

When Mr Hyde is around, he's rude, mean, and says the most hatefull hurtfull things. He doesn't care if DS17 or DD15 can hear him rip me apart. I caused his heart attack and bypass surgery. Nothing I do is correct. I don't fix dinner correctly. I don't clean the house correctly. I don't buy the right food. I don't take care of myself correctly, but when I wear certain shirts or jeans to work, he questions who I'm dressing sexy at work for. There is nothing sexy about the clothing that I am wearing.

The knife today was him telling me that the last quarter century has been a total waste of his time. It's to bad he can't hit restart and go back and fix the biggest mistake he ever made in his life. We started dating 25 years ago on July 7th.

I love him, but I don't know how much more I can take of the mental beat down. I know they told me to watch for personality changes before we left the hospital, but I never expected this. I've talked to my minster, DH won't. There is no insurance coverage or money for outside help. With his mind frame, if I told him that if he doesn't get some help to control the anger (or whatever it is sending him to Mr Hyde) that I am gone, he would tell me good, would make his life a 1000 times better. I don't want that, I just want my old husband back.

My dad was mentally abusive to my siblings, mom and myself. After his parents died he sunk into depression and chose never to get help. The mental abuse was outrageous. My mom could never do anything right!!! My parents are now divorced, but he stayed b/c of us kids. One day as a teenager I remember him verbally abusing my mom. I got in front of him and said if you ever do this again to her I will call the police on you. He was worthless and just existed in the house. He never helped out at home, drove us kids from place to place. He did bring in a paycheck and that was the only positive. My mom decided that the four of us would move on with our lives and we did even though he was still there. My mom worked 50hrs a week to support us and put us through college. She is 71 now and loves to still work. But the day he left was the most momentous time in our life. That thick cloud hanging over us was gone and so we he. If you can make it own your own and knowing your kids are older I would get out. But you stay in the house and he goes. Maybe over time he will get help and want to come back, but from what you are saying it is a long hard road. No woman or children should ever settle from any kind of abuse. I would make sure you have your ducks in a row though before you make a decision. I wish you the best of luck. I am a single mom by choice to 2 daughters 10&15 and we have such an amazing life. For me I saw what my dad did to my mom and I was never going to live like that again. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[DisneyOma]

You do not show any appreciation for the damage inflicted on the man by his medical experience. You also seem to think one can just "adjust" personalities and behaviors affected by serious surgical trauma somehow -- say, with a screwdriver -- and that, if that failed, you'd just leave the guy. Who can competently do this kind of "adjustment," as you put it, how, and how long it takes seem beyond the scope of your interest and your knowledge. In short, your selfishness is showing. It's all about you, isn't it? We're in the real world, not the Magic Kingdom. All this tells me he'd probably be way better off without you. After all, if marriage involves dealing with challenges that are unpleasant, who needs it?

Please go back and read what I stated. There was plenty of appreciation in there, and chances to make things better together. I've just gone through this with my mother. And marriage is a partnership, and if one partner needs help and yet refuses it, what else do you do - stay and be the punching bag so there are two victims of the situation, or leave and not be a victim? I'm not selfish, I'm realistic. You can't make someone change, you can only make your own choices in life. I think the internet is making you feel brave. It's an illusion.