Personal question - having kids

[amg35]

.....

 

[amg35]

....

 

[minkydog]

Not me, I always wanted to be a mother. But my youngest sister, 45, has never wanted nor had any children and she is perfectly fine with that. She and her husband have a small farm in Western Washington where she raises sheep & chickens, gardens, goes to SCA events, and camps every chance she gets. As much as she loves her neices and nephews she has never regretted having children of her own. My husband's sister never had kids either. She was in the military and really loved all the travel, et al. She was never the stay at home and raise babies type. She too loves our kids*her only neices/nephews* but she has no desire for her own. She has filled her life with good things, good people, and good attitude. she has more friends than I can count. I don't think either of my sisters feels they have missed out of anything by remaining childless.

Don't have babies unless you are really in it for the long haul.

 

[amg35]

Not me, I always wanted to be a mother. But my youngest sister, 45, has never wanted nor had any children and she is perfectly fine with that. She and her husband have a small farm in Western Washington where she raises sheep & chickens, gardens, goes to SCA events, and camps every chance she gets. As much as she loves her neices and nephews she has never regretted having children of her own. My husband's sister never had kids either. She was in the military and really loved all the travel, et al. She was never the stay at home and raise babies type. She too loves our kids*her only neices/nephews* but she has no desire for her own. She has filled her life with good things, good people, and good attitude. she has more friends than I can count. I don't think either of my sisters feels they have missed out of anything by remaining childless.

Don't have babies unless you are really in it for the long haul.

Thanks!

I know I don't want kids, but I'm not going to lie, sometimes I get a little twinge of doubt, the "what if I regret it"?

Just a bit melancholy today!

 

[minkydog]

Better to regret NOT having kids than regret HAVING them. For me, having children was a viseral thing. I could not live without them and I would stop at nothing to have my children. They were all I've ever wanted and as hard as it is sometimes, I have no regrets. My sister doesn't really understand that feeling, but she respects it and i respect her for not giving in to pressure from parents to give them grandchildren when she doesn't want to be a parent. It's okay to not want children. Really.

 

[amg35]

....

 

[lovemygoofy]

Thanks again!

My parents don't really pressure me. They have grandkids. I do think they'd like to see me married, mainly because to them they would feel I was being taken care of in a sense.

Honestly, I don't even think my mom could see me as a mom. I'm just not that girl. I have pets, love them more than anything/anyone in the world. But that's a whole different ballgame.

I don't know if it's because I'm the "baby" of the family, but I know I am not mature enough to raise a child. I still put me first in my life, because I'm all I have and I like it that way. My boyfriend is the same way. Of course I'm there for him and he for me, and I'll always help a friend/family member in anyway that I can, but I don't think I can give up my life for a child. Selfish? Yes, incredibly so, but I can't help it. I wonder if it's a youngest child syndrome!

I think you know that you don't want to have children. You seem to really know that. Wondering what it would be like and actually wanting children is two different things. I think it's natural to sometimes wonder what it would be like to have children but unless you feel this deep pull for it then I think you made the best decision for you. You seem to know yourself and what you want but I wonder if you are questioning some things in your life because you are to a point where you want things "settled." You know you are getting older( I didn't mean that in a bad way) and starting to question the forevers in your life like children and relationships. That seems natural to me.

I'm 32 soon and I know I want children. I want the pitter patter of the feet and the mess and the meltdowns. I know in my heart I want the sticky kisses and the teenage drama and the other things that come with kids. There is a place in our family for children and then it will be complete. If your family is complete now, nothing wrong with that.

 

[amg35]

I think you know that you don't want to have children. You seem to really know that. Wondering what it would be like and actually wanting children is two different things. I think it's natural to sometimes wonder what it would be like to have children but unless you feel this deep pull for it then I think you made the best decision for you. You seem to know yourself and what you want but I wonder if you are questioning some things in your life because you are to a point where you want things "settled." You know you are getting older( I didn't mean that in a bad way) and starting to question the forevers in your life like children and relationships. That seems natural to me.

I'm 32 soon and I know I want children. I want the pitter patter of the feet and the mess and the meltdowns. I know in my heart I want the sticky kisses and the teenage drama and the other things that come with kids. There is a place in our family for children and then it will be complete. If your family is complete now, nothing wrong with that.

Thank you and I hope for you that you get everything you want.

I hope we both get everything we want!

And you are right about things getting settled. I'm at a point in my career that I've been working towards. My finances are getting where I want them to be. I'm starting to work towards owning a home. I'm thinking about my future. Not where I'm going on Friday, but my real future. It's a little scary.

 

[4greatboys]

If you have never had a desire to have kids then I do not think you will regret not having any. I think most people feel a certain way pretty early on. For instance I always knew I wanted to have kids. Seems like you always knew that you didn't.
I have couple of friends who didn't want to have kids and they have not. They don't seem to regret it and they seem very happy and fulfilled.

 

[shellybaxter]

I am 41 years old. When I was 18 and just married I wanted children more than I can express. I found out shortly thereafter that I couldn't have children due to medical issues. Dh and I were a young couple and didn't have the resourses available to consider adoption early in our marriage. About 10 years in - when I was 28 - we were financially in a good place and considered adoption again. After really thinking about it, we decided we liked our lives the way they were. We chose not to pursue adoption and became a childless by choice couple. I won't lie - sometimes mother's day is tough - but I feel so blessed to be able to do the things I do in my life. I am able to give so much more to the people that come into my life as a childless person. I don't believe I really have any true regrets about the decision we've made.

 

[HeatherH]

You know, until very recently, I would have agreed with everyone else that you know in your heart what you want, and there is nothing wrong with that, or sometimes doubting that decision, but going with it.

This is not about me, but a good friend in her mid-40s who was so sure she didn't want children she had her tubes tied long ago.

Until she met the man she married, several years younger than her, and he wanted kids.

They married, knowing that was something they didn't agree on, but they both are very committed to each other and figured it would work out.

It did. She decided that his desire for a child and her love for him was enough for her to go for IVF to get pregnant, despite her fears.

She is now a very happy, very proud mom of a beautiful baby daughter. They are both over the moon for this child. She told me she never knew how much she could love someone until this baby was born.

Now, I am NOT saying it will be the same for you, honestly. I'm another that always knew I wanted to be a mother, so this was never an issue for me. This is just something that opened my eyes to the possibility that even those who feel they are NOT meant to be mothers sometimes change their minds.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

 

[tonilea]

When we married (I was 18), I wasn't sure if I wanted children. After about five years, it wasn't a question of do I want children.... it was more of a craving, a burning desire... unfortunately, we lost one baby and weren't able to get pregnant again until we had been married for fifteen years. We had reached a point where, we knew we would be okay if we were never able to have a baby. Thankfully we were able to have Thomas and I cannot tell you how profoundly he has changed me, for the better.

I guess what I am trying to say is some people always know they want children... I think my sister was born with that knowledge.... I wasn't, but it did develop later on..... maybe you will (I don't know how old you are) and maybe you won't, but I don't think I would have a child based on what I *might* feel down the road.

 

[bumbershoot]

My brother and his wife fit your description. They are now 38 and I don't think they regret their decision at all.

I think most people feel a certain way pretty early on. For instance I always knew I wanted to have kids. Seems like you always knew that you didn't.
I have couple of friends who didn't want to have kids and they have not. They don't seem to regret it and they seem very happy and fulfilled.

Agreed.

I always knew I wanted babies; even had birth dreams as a teenager (before even being kissed, let alone anything else!), imagined nursing babies, etc etc.

My brother on the other hand, disliked all children younger than him. Had no patience for them. This was a problem until he was a teen (and stopped visiting our dad) b/c our dad had 2 sons after us (and 10 years later had another girl). I would play with the little brothers while my full brother would sit and read in the corner.

I think there was one twingey moment for my sis in law when they met my son...she actually wanted to help change his dipe, and then was schmoopy with him, and carried him out of the bathroom where we had been...kinda freaked out my brother! But he communicated quickly with her, and she reassured him that she was solid in not wanting kids, and all was well. She had been on the edge of kids/nokids, and when she met my brother she decided on no kids. While her sister (who is scarily like me, LOL) always wanted them, and finally had one!

Anyway, my brother's and my feelings were set very early on.

I still put me first in my life, because I'm all I have and I like it that way. My boyfriend is the same way. Of course I'm there for him and he for me, and I'll always help a friend/family member in anyway that I can, but I don't think I can give up my life for a child. Selfish? Yes, incredibly so, but I can't help it.



Also, sometimes I wonder about the idea that a couple loves each other so much that they show it through having a baby. I know that's a trivial way of saying it, but I can't think of the right way to type that thought out.
Does it mean that I don't love someone enough to want a child with them? Or am I with the wrong person and someone else will make me want a baby with them because I love them so much?

I'm only speaking to the first bit I quoted b/c I had a thought while reading it; I am NOT not not not trying to change your mind. I think that people who don't want kids shouldn't have them, and I support people thinking about it well ahead of time, as you have done and continue to do.

Anyway, FWIW, I was very me-focused as well, before I married and had DS (and DS was a honeymoon baby, so there was absolutely NO married-and-alone time with hubby...during our honeymoon I had to stop drinking the Mango Tango rum drinks on Radiance of the Seas, as the cluster of rapidly dividing cells was already so obvious I couldn't in good conscience drink any more rum). But as soon as DS was there, well, focus on me was over. It was when he was 3 that I started coming up for air and running away for quick solo trips to DLR, but then again, DS and DH pretty much ordered me on that trip as I was being a pain during our family trip, LOL. They wanted me to get it out of my system!


About the other thing...I know you're only paraphrasing what others have said, and therefore please don't take this personally against you, but omg that is one of the most nauseating thoughts ever. It just does something bad to my stomach.

I mean, I know there are people who do variations of it...an ex of mine had an ex-girlfriend who didn't want to get married or have kids...while she was with him. As soon as he left and she started dating, she found someone that she DID want to marry and have kids with. It really hurt my ex (who is now married, which is funny) for some silly reason...like the "he didn't want to marry ME" moment in When Harry Met Sally... But I think that she had only lied to herself saying no marriage no babies, because that's what the guy she was dating felt. (and that's the worry my brother had at that moment when sis in law came out with my son...that he'd forced her into a decision)

But if you know you don't want those things, even when you're single, then I think that's pretty solid. Women (and some men) can tend to morph themselves into the people they are dating, taking on ideas and beliefs that weren't their own (and won't be their own once they have ended that relationship), but if you have a strong belief when you're single, IMO that's what YOU believe.

 

[amg35]

,,,,

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I want the pitter patter of the feet and the mess and the meltdowns. I know in my heart I want the sticky kisses and the teenage drama and the other things that come with kids.

Someday we're going to remind you you said that.

amg35, I had the same type of wonderings as you're having. I knew I wanted to be a mother someday, but getting there seemed to be the problem. I didn't relish the thought of pregnancy or infanthood like some women do. But we made the decision to go forward and it was a rough road in many ways, but we're glad we did. It's a very personal decision. Do what feels right to you.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

. I know in my heart I want the sticky kisses and the teenage drama ......

You don't need to wait until you have kids for the teenage drama.....Schools out in a few short months and I w2ill be thrilled to send my drama "queen" and "king" your way........just say when!

 

[NHdisneylover]

My DSiL is mid forties and not regretting the decision to remain childless. She adores her nieces and nephews (and is possibly the greatest aunt ever) but she never wanted her own kids--she didn't even like playing the mom when she played house as a kid or babysitting, etc. I totally respect her for realizing that and making a conscious decision about whether or not to have children. The only complaint she has is taht she gets comments (a LOT of people sad things at her wedding knowing she and her DH did not want to or plan to have kids) about how she WILL regret it, or how selfish she is (a concept I have never really understood--I look at it the other way: I HAD kids for selfish reasons--because I wanted them desperately and I wanted to be a mother and have all the good and bad that goes with it).

Anyway, I hope you come to feel secure in your decisions (whether that is to remain childless or not) and not doubt your feelings. I think it is always harder to be confident in ANY decision which goes against the norm in society

 

[diesel]

I'm 40 and my husband and I knew going into our marriage that we didn't want kids. I don't regret it. When I was in my 30's we had a pregnancy scare and it just showed me that I did not want kids. I would say the only thing I think about is what our children would have looked like but other than that no regrets. My mother was a little disapointed but she has plenty of grandkids. My husbands mom was a little upset but she also has other grandkids. Our siblings were fine with our decision.

 

[Colleen27]

I know people on both sides, some who never regretted their decision not to have kids and others who regret it deeply. I think the important thing is to know yourself and make the choice for yourself. Kids absolutely aren't for everyone. I really didn't think I wanted kids, until I found myself in a serious relationship with a man who was absolutely adamant that he would not ever have children and I realized that on an emotional level I wasn't okay with closing that door.

The people I know who regret not having children had outside factors (read: men) influencing that decision. One married fairly young to a man who absolutely does not want children. She really feels like that was a decision she might have changed her mind on if she'd taken more time with it, but she loves her husband and wouldn't leave him over that doubt so she just deals with the "what ifs" in her melancholy moments and moves on. Another married a man who has 3 kids from his first marriage and who didn't want/can't afford more.

The people I know who are content in their decision to remain childfree are those who made the decision as an adult, independant of the opinions/desires of a significant other. It sounds like you fit into that category.

 

[MrsPete]

But if you know you don't want those things, even when you're single, then I think that's pretty solid. Women (and some men) can tend to morph themselves into the people they are dating, taking on ideas and beliefs that weren't their own (and won't be their own once they have ended that relationship), but if you have a strong belief when you're single, IMO that's what YOU believe.

I think that's true.

I don't remember really thinking about whether I wanted children . . . until I started dating a guy in college who was absolutely AGAINST having children. It started me thinking, "DO I want children? Why?" He and I dated for about two years, and I bought into his ideas -- as you said, I morphed into him.

Looking back, I can see other reasons I felt that way: After my father abandoned us, I spent my middle/high school years in poverty. I was the oldest of five children, and I was very tired of having nothing, scrimping on everything, being forced to watch after the younger siblings. I wanted something for ME. I wanted to finish school, get a job, have a nice home and car, have money to travel and not worry every minute of every day about money. I didn't want my mother's life.

I suppose that on some level I knew I was caving in to his desires because when I was a senior I wrote a major paper on people who are childless by choice -- I don't remember consciously thinking, "I want to investigate the positives and negatives of this option for myself"; in fact, it was more like, "I've got this kid thing figured out and I want to prove it!" I also remember that I was surprised that I read quite a bit about people who regretted their choice later in life. We're talking about 20 years ago, so I don't remember specifics. I suspect that in real life people would be a little hesitant to tell their friends that they wish they'd had children, whereas they'd 'fess up in an anonymous clinical study.

That paper made me question his opinions, and it was really "the beginning of the end" that led me to break up with that guy -- who really was a great guy, and we were ideal for each other in just about every way. This was something upon which we weren't going to compromise. I remember talking to him about the possibility of a one-child compromise, and he was adamantly against that, saying that he had every intention of NO children. I knew it'd always be a sticking point with us, and after having examined my own feelings thoroughly, I knew that I wouldn't be satisfied without children.

Also, once I met the man who became my husband, I couldn't imagine a future for us without children. I knew that we needed a few years to establish ourselves financially, but from the beginning the question was always WHEN not WHETHER.

And, just for the record, although I have to children, I don't have my mother's life -- mainly because I made better educational choices and better financial choices.

If there's a point to this response, it's that you should be sure you're making the choice FOR YOURSELF, not to please a spouse. This is not something upon which you can compromise.