people who are always late

[arminnie]

A friend of mine had a beautiful wedding at her home. She has this fabulous backyard - couple of acres. I think over 100 people eventually showed up.

I'd just had major surgery so I went for the wedding at 6:30 like the invitation said, stayed a very short while and left very early. As I was leaving I ran into lots of people just arriving. They expressed disbelief that they had missed the wedding. I mean if the invitation says 6:30 for a wedding why would you think that you could show up at 7:30 and not miss the ceremony?

 

[bumbershoot]

Last time they visited me here, they didn't stay at my house because I was doing renovations. We made arrangements one time to eat dinner at their own hotel restaurant, reservations at 7 p.m. 7:30 arrives... they're not down. I call their room.. my mom says they'll be running a little late. I eventually ordered, ate my food alone still waiting for them. When they finally sat down, it was 8:30, and my dad apparently had "problems with the shower." Completely casual restaurant... they don't care if you have no shirt on. I still am a bit mad about this...

Problems with the shower? Is that what they're calling it these days?

I am a reformed late person! I used to be late to everything- work, lunches with friends, church, you name it. Not super late, but anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes. I hated it and I know it annoyed the people waiting for me. It's just plain rude. Plus I always was panicked and had a sick feeling in my stomach as I was racing to the event. I was just a horrendous time manager.

So I decided to change. Two years ago I made a conscious effort to never, ever be late again and I have to say I am really doing a fantastic job. I start getting ready way earlier than I think I need to, and leave earlier than I think I need to. I now show up early to things which never happened before.

So we are capable of change!

Yeah, I'm working on that myself. It's neat to slowly change. DH and I have left things so late that we've been late to two of our OWN parties. Since many of our friends are latecomers as well, as far as we know that hasn't messed anything up, but then again, there was a whole group of people that we expected to come to the first one but didn't show, didn't call, and never mentioned it the next week. So it's possible they came on time while we were out getting ice, and the whole situation was just too embarrassing for everyone.

I read an article once that called some people "time optimists" - they under-estimate how long it takes to get things done, and so they end up running late. My grandmother was one (and it's hard to be mad at a sweet old lady) so we always just told her an earlier time, so she would actually arrive when we wanted her to.

I know your friend is the one being rude, but being angry about it affects you way more than it does her, so the simple solution (even if not technically "fair") is to just fudge the schedule. If you really need her there by 9:00, tell her you want to leave around 8:00. - It certainly won't hurt the dogs to be early if she magically makes it "on time".

I absolutely LOVE that, and feel that it's a perfect description. Time Optimist! Yes. Now that I've started to change, started to be really realistic about how long it takes to be ready, get out the door, etc etc, I've noticed that DH is a TO person (see, it already has an abbreviation!). We'll plan to go somewhere. He calculates how much time it takes to get from the street, or even the highway, to the destination. He doesn't take anything else into account. Not realistic time to get ready (he continues to calculate ONLY for himself, and he takes way longer than me to get ready most of the time, even if I'm putting on makeup), not time to get shoes on and out the door, wait for the elevator, chat with neighbors (we rent in a condo building that's mainly for retired people, and people here are chatting and NEVER in a hurry), get the car out of the garage, get out onto the street, then to the highway or the street across town, and then no time for parking and walking right to where we're supposed to be.

I've started having to break it down, and that's made all the difference. So if DS has gymnastics at 4, and I'm going to work out for an hour ahead of time...the old me would probably be leaving for the gym at 3. Already late! So now I go backwards. On the mat at 4. 5 minutes to get from workout room back to gymnastics room. 65 minutes (one hour plus cooldown), plus time to get onto the machine with a towel and get water and Kindle situated. Walking from car to gym and sign into gym. Parking. Get to gym from driveway. Get from apartment to car. Prep time in the house.

When I break it down, I do well. And what amazes me is that, I think, many people just do all that in their head *naturally*. For me, it's a huge effort. But for others it's just what you do.



About your second paragraph, though...honestly, if people were giving me extra time because they knew I'd be late, that wouldn't help me at all. I would have rather known the absolute time, and I would take the consequences if I were still late.



I do have to say, for all those who absolutely hate latecomers, feel it's a slap in the face, etc etc...I know for certain that all the things you're attributing to the latecomer isn't true, at least for me. You guys think it's ego, but it's not. It's just absolute failure to understand WHY we're late. It diminishes the ego, it makes us feel bad, to be late all the time. It's awful, not a good feeling. Think it feels GOOD to get everywhere looking like junk, because you misjudged the time and couldn't do your makeup? Or you did your makeup but then had to run in the heat? Or in the rain because you ran out without an umbrella, or didn't feel you could take the time to open the umbrella? To always be windblown, sweaty, red-faced, because you were rushing so fast? It's NOT a good feeling.

I'm sure there are some who just WANT to make people wait. But I know I'm not one of those people. And I know I'm not alone.

 

[bumbershoot]

Oh oh oh. My dad made me later than I wanted to be to my wedding.

But it wasn't some big ego trip of his, for the first time, LOL. He decided that he needed his minivan to be really clean, and absolutely misjudged the time he would need to get it cleaned. And didn't call to tell me.

Because I was later than I'd expected, DH had to do more than he had planned. I hadn't helped him with all I wanted to make sure was done, so he didn't know. One of the things that happened from that chain of events is that none of the family got their flowers; they just sat there in a box at the side of the band's parquet floor area, unnoticed by everyone, only thought of 2 days later.

I didn't appreciate him being late, but I know what it's like, to just have NO clue how to properly time out your day. So it peeved me, but I didn't feel like he'd done it on purpose, or against me or anything.


However, when someone who is normally on time is late, that IS shocking, and freaky! It's not that I get mad when someone's doing what I've done...it's just that since those people are NEVER late, something must be WRONG for them to be late! It's scary.

 

[Junebugwv]

I am an on-time person. I am married to an on-time person. We are rearing on-time children. I had triplets and another child 16 months later and i can honestly say we have never been late for an appointment. I respect others' time and expect the same in return. I have left people who were not ready at the appointed time...they have never been late with me again. I honestly do not think I could be really good friends with someone who was always late. I just don't have that level of patience. I do have friends in my extended circle who are often late, but I never plan any timed events with them.

Wow, I can relate to you, except my husband was not as on-time as me (he has improved). We have 5 kids and getting everyone out the door on time is a priority. We've managed to habitually be on time and now I see the same thing in my DD's family- she has 3 young ones and a husband who is deployed a lot. I have taught my driving-age kids that they leave on time, or I drive them. It is too tempting to rush behind the wheel of a car and make poor judgments.

 

[DisneyFirefly]

At work, there are ten people in my department. There are two "teams", the yellow and blue teams, and each team is then split into day (three people) and night (two people) shifts. I'm on the blue team night shift. My partner is consistently late, and has been for the last eight months (the facility only opened eight months ago and we're part of the opening team). She also never calls. It's frustrating because, when she's late, someone from the day shift is required to stay until she arrives. There was one day when she was an hour and a half late. Nothing's been done, but some other issues have come to light recently that might cause her to be terminated. If they take care of it in a timely manner, I might find out tomorrow when I go into work, as we had this weekend off.

 

[sunlver]

I am the Op of this...the lady who was late called me again to apoligize. She is in N.Jersey visiting family and I am watching her dogs..
Anyways...she call yesterday afternoon , and apoligized, I could hear how bad she felt, of course in turn I felt bad say "Oh, everybody got there on time"..
Isnt that silly... I was so mad waiting around for , yet, I ended up feeling bad because she felt bad..explain that

Anyways..she wanted to offer me bagels... She said there are some good bagel places there and what kind did we want as she wanted to bring us something special home

 

[C.Ann]

I find it extremely rude when people are late - and if people are habitually late, then as far as I'm concerned, they are self-absorbed and could really give a flying fig about anyone else.. Lateness is probably one of my biggest pet peeves in life - because 99.9% of the time there really isn't a "good" reason for it..

If people really want to be on time all they have to do is plan accordingly - and that includes planning on heavy traffic; the possibility of an accident holding up traffic; gathering up items you need to bring with you ahead of time; getting your clothes together ahead of time; etc..

I am - and have always been - very punctual.. How? I plan ahead.. I would feel absolutely horrible if I ever kept someone waiting for me..

 

[scottishduffy]

My MIL is chronically late and it was entirely a control issue for her.

She *loved* being late. It made her feel good when others were forced to wait for her. I remember her standard tardiness for dinners was about 1 hour, if not more. She would call everyone involved to make sure they were all running on time, then be over an hour late herself. One several occassions we planned a larger dinner with my parents and her, only to have her call 25 minutes after the start time to say she was on the other side of town shopping and would be leaving shortly.

DH and I have managed to curb this behavior in her quite a but by just starting without her! She missed the larger portion of our college graduation dinner when everyone decided to start without her. She was angry, but we both told her that next time she should plan to arrive earlier.


As of now I go to work very early in the AM. She knows DH and I will leave for the evening at 9:00-9:30 so I can get enough sleep for work. If she plans an 8pm dinner, we start to eat at 8:00 regardless of whether or not she is there. After 1-2 times of us leaving before she arrived she got the hint. We would never call her to bother her about arriving, we would just leave. Then she tried showing up at 8:45 and expecting us to stay longer. Nope! we're done and going home. If we take the time to drive across town on a work night to be with you, we expect you to show up on time.

She is now rather punctual with us. She knows if she wants our company she must respect our time. The relationship between DH and his mother is strained and this was just one more thing which seriously bothered him. She still pulls this behavior with BIL, but not with us anymore.

 

[arubio0801]

I HATE being late it drives me nuts even if I'm 2min late!! My sil and bil are ALWAYS late!!!! It's sooo rude I was raised in a middle class family and my mom always told me we may not have alot of money but always make sure your on time and you and your home/room is clean!! My sil thinks it's funny and that oh well its not a big deal my in-laws used to be late all the time too but now we just pick them up to not have to worry about it. Actually when my sil was preggo she was late to all her appointments and classes she took and now shes late to her sons appointments and his dr's office said something about it. And she told them well I'm always late so like its not rude!! It drives me and DH nuts we're always on time even most of the time early and we have a baby 4.5 months and their baby our Dn is only 2wks older and now they blame it on him now for being late I feel bad cause when he gets older I'm sure he's gunna say no it wasn't!! We tell them an earlier time then the regular time lol Oh well its rude and some people when never change I feel your pain I would just say to get their own ride!!!

 

[rabyoga]

I have problems with people that are late. I have co-worker that shows up late to meetings, or not at all. I find that late people are rude and selfish.

 

[rie'smom]

I'll give 20 min max (sometimes not even that) for a late person, then I'm off on my way.

That's my rule too. The exception is if I receive a call. Anyone can get caught in traffic if there's an accident,etc.

IMO, it's a passive aggressive attention seeking behavior with people who have made it a habit. If I make the effort to arrive on time then by gosh I expect the person I'm meeting to make the same effort.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

I do have to say, for all those who absolutely hate latecomers, feel it's a slap in the face, etc etc...I know for certain that all the things you're attributing to the latecomer isn't true, at least for me. You guys think it's ego, but it's not. It's just absolute failure to understand WHY we're late. It diminishes the ego, it makes us feel bad, to be late all the time. It's awful, not a good feeling. Think it feels GOOD to get everywhere looking like junk, because you misjudged the time and couldn't do your makeup? Or you did your makeup but then had to run in the heat? Or in the rain because you ran out without an umbrella, or didn't feel you could take the time to open the umbrella? To always be windblown, sweaty, red-faced, because you were rushing so fast? It's NOT a good feeling.

I'm sure there are some who just WANT to make people wait. But I know I'm not one of those people. And I know I'm not alone.

I know someone who is always late, and I suspect that hers is due to a combination of factors including depression, but I know she doesn't mean to be late to everything and that it's not about power or just wanting to make people wait. She's withdrawn from a group of friends because she's so mortified to be late, which really sucks, because we'd rather have her join us late than not join us at all.