Paying for child's friends......

[Chereya]

DS asked a friend to come to Chuck E. Cheese with us. I paid for pizza, drinks, tokens, etc. and it was not a cheap outing! I foolishly assumed that the friend's mom would reimburse me. Nope, no reimbursement was offered.

Wow, really? I just went to Chuck E Cheese with two other friends, their kids and my in-laws and we paid about $50 for 5 adults and 5 kids, had more than enough tokens (took some home) and leftover pizza. I thought that was a super cheap outing and hope to go again with a larger group so we won't have as much pizza to take home. Did you have any coupons with you?

 

[luvsJack]

Sometimes I pay, sometimes I don't. Just depends.

When HSM3 came out, for instance, there were 4 girls that dd wanted to take with us. There was no way I could afford to pay for all of us. So with the invite, dd was instructed to say "everybody has to pay their own way." Even on those times, I make sure I have enough cash in case someone doesn't have enough to get whatever the other girls get.

She has one friend that if I offer to take them to the movies and I plan to pay, her mom sends money for the girls' popcorn and cokes. Or I take them to the local water park today, she takes them skating tomorrow. It always evens out.

 

[teachallday]

When I was growing up back in the 70's and 80's, my mother had a very simple theory. If the kids are with her, she knows where they are and what they are doing. It was my older brother and I. At times one of our best friends was along for the fun and occasionally both. My mother figured it was a small price to pay for the extra ticket, to keep the kids happy and distracted. For example, the car ride there and back can be a lot more pleasant for a parent if your child has a friend along distracting them.

She paid for everything, never asking the parents to send money. My mother was in charge of what was spent, and if the friend didn't like this they could bring money. But my mom knew some of our friends had money and some didn't, she didn't want us only picking friends that had money to pay their way for such trips. She found it easier with the friend along, so to her that made the extra expense worth it, even on a big trip like to Disney. I saw her pay for a kid to go to camp with me (probably because I wouldn't have gone otherwise), and many other trips. On most family trips, we had at least one extra.

This is how I was raised, it is how I will raise my kids. I would never want another parent to feel obligated to fork out money for a trip/event they had not budgeted for. I would never want my kids to only pick friends to go with them based upon their parents ability to pay. Honestly I don't want my little princess even thinking about the economic status of her friends.

 

[redrosesix]

We pay if we invite the friend to come with us (much like inviting the kid over for dinner at your home -- you wouldn't expect them to pay anything), but we don't pay for souvenirs unless it's something inexpensive and we're choosing to buy that for the girls. When DD goes anywhere with a friend, I always give her some money for snacks or whatever she wants (but I also tell the other mother that she has that money and can spend it how she chooses to, or not) -- same amount of spending money I would give her if I was taking her there.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

My parents would always send money with me if I went with friends. Sometimes their parents picked up the tab, but not always.

You could start sending money along and have your kid(s) say to the other parents, "hey, can I help contribute?" and if the parents say no, then I think your kids should be comfortable with asking the adult to hold on to the money. Even if the parents do say okay to the contribution, I highly doubt they would say no to holding the money for your kids while they are whereever.

I think you are perfectly in the right to pay for the friends. It what my parents did. But again, I always had a little something tucked away just in case.

 

[CLR4321]

I would pay my son's friends way into whatever we were doing if he didn't have money with him for the outing. I think it is rude to ask a family for money so you can take their kid with you. If the family thinks to send the kid with money, then great...let him use the money his family sent with him. But if he didn't, then no biggie. I would accept the responsibility because I am the one who said that my son's friend could come. Obviously the kid isn't old enough to have his own job and income, he needs to have someone pay his way. I do it for the kid, not for the parents of the kid. On the other hand, I am the type that would ask before sending my son if he needed to bring money and if so, how much. If someone offered to pay his way, I would let them if that was what they had planned. I won't argue. I mean really now...what are you going to do if your child's friend shows up without money. Tell him he can't come inside? Take him back home? Call the parents and make a payment arrangement? It's a kid, not like a freeloader who is trying to get a free fun day out. Kids rely on adults, parents or not to pay for their needs and some wants too. I say if you don't pay, don't invite. If you are in the place where you can't afford to pay, have a talk with the parents and tell them that Johnny wanted Joey to come to the pool, but finances are tight, and it costs $10 for lunch and a day at the pool. If they are the type to moan about you asking for money when you can't afford it, perhaps just tell Johnny that Joey can come to the park next week instead, or some place else that is free.
People are so uptight about money... If I were you, i wouldn't worry about this topic at all. Do what feels right to you, and don't be stingy like some other people are.

 

[belle&beast]

My kids are still pretty young (8 and 5) so they really only go on outings with people I know well. Since they are going with friends, I just ask how much money they will need. When we invite friends to go places with us, I expect to pay and don't ask for money. Since we are usually with the same people, it is a wash.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Well as mine has grown and does more on his own and the kids have their own money it has change again but when they were younger we sort a did this:

If it was a TRUE invite, we paid. In reality we live close to very close friends and family and if the other kids knew that we were wanting to go somewhere they of course wanted to go too. It was pretty common to end up with a couple extra cousins or friends. In this case, the answer was sure you can go. You need to go ask dad for money for movie and mcdonalds etc.

If planned a special movie night and asked a friend, we paid though often the parent would send money. Most of the time I would allow the child to purchase a special snack for himself and my child with it.

For a school friend, we asked, we paid, but too always sent money for my child but most of the time got it back.

 

[tmarquez]

I've learned the hard way.

When I invite I pay for everything. If it's something expensive (like a day at the Magic Kingdom) I will talk to the parents ahead of time and let them know their child will need to buy a ticket.

When DD(6) goes anywhere with friends, I ALWAYS send money with her. There have been times when she was denied something that the other child had because she didn't bring any money (most recently ice cream at the mall). I give her the money and she takes care of it.

Unfortunately at 6 she has a better head on her shoulders then her BFF's mom.

 

[averysmom]

If I invite a child somewhere, I expect to pay for them, and vice-versa.

However, when ds or dd go anywhere with friends, I almost always tuck some cash into their bags to buy everyone a treat (ice cream, drink, etc) when they are there.

 

[TXSchoolNurse]

Whenever we invite someone we pay. Whenever someone invites my child I send money with him/her, just in case. In 99.9% of the cases the other parent has paid, although my child has offered to pay for themselves. My kids are very good about giving me the money back.

Ditto....I do the exact thing.

 

[MariDisney]

If I extend an invitation, then I pick up the bill. My DD's friend have never paid for anything when with us. On the other hand, I send money with DD when she goes with friends, and she knows to insist at least 2 or so times to pay for herself. Rarely has someone allowed her to. I feel that both of these things teaches her to be polite and generous.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I've learned the hard way.

When DD(6) goes anywhere with friends, I ALWAYS send money with her. There have been times when she was denied something that the other child had because she didn't bring any money (most recently ice cream at the mall). I give her the money and she takes care of it.

Unfortunately at 6 she has a better head on her shoulders then her BFF's mom.

That is terrible. That would be the last time my DD went anywhere with that parent.

 

[veraletta]

If I invited them, I would pay this is my rule, and when my children gets an invite I always make sure they will have money for what ever they need, as some people don't feel the same way about this as I do.
So I feel I should make sure my child has his or her own money.
The written rule when I grew up was, when you were invited they pay, if you asked if you could go with them, you would pay.
But now a days I have seen in the last few years, as my grandchildren are growing up that most people pay for their own child way, and will hand the money to the parents to let them know they are helping out with the expense.

 

[JohnsonsRUs]

I agree with the posts here. If I invite the child, I pay for them, but I always send $$ with my child when she is invited. Depending on the situation I will give the $$ directly to the parent to use, or tell DD to give it to them, so that she is not carrying around a bunch of cash. Most times we get the whole amount back, although I have insisted they use it for something, even if it's the "extras."

I do have 1 exception, we are going to the Jonas Brothers concert this coming weekend and I know that DD and her 2 friends may want t-shirts, so I told the parents ahead of time how much they were running, so that they can have the conversation with them about getting them or make sure they have enough money on hand to buy them. I'm sure my daughter will want one and I don't want her friends to be upset if they don't get one and my daugther does. This seemed to be OK with the other 2 moms. They are taking care of talking to their kids ahead of time.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

There is no "always" answer for us. We communicate with the other parents and decide what to do on a case by case basis. We try to be fair, but if a set of parents takes advantage of us, their child is no longer invited.

Also, we do not invite children through our children - we call the parents. That way, should the parents want to put the kabosh on the whole thing, the child never knows about it and isn't disappointed...

 

[rt2dz]

I never, ever send my child without money. I usually give it to the parents because I know my DS will make unwise choices if given the opportunity.

I kind of view it this way: I’m training him to be an adult. As a parent, that’s my job. If a friend invites my kids somewhere, and my child is trained to think of his way is then paid, why should it be any different as he gets older and parents are taken out of the equation (i.e., high school, college, adult life)? Whenever one of my boys and his buddies get together, if a friend initiated catching a movie, should my kids think someone else is going to cover them? Or, if one of my boys invite a friend to go bowling, should my son be expected to cover the cost of his friend?

I’m the kind of parent that starts teaching my child not to talk during the movies or how to hold a fork properly from the beginning (not that I expect 100% compliance) because I figure that kids don’t turn some magical age and suddenly “get it.” If they start right from the beginning, they’ll get it faster and easier; it will be second nature, if you will. And I pretty much follow that theory with everything.

Sometimes my kids come back with the money, most of the time they do not.

As far as paying for my kids friends, it depends. I don’t ask for money and will most certainly cover the child in anything we do if none is sent. Same goes if not enough was sent. If we decide to do anything extra than what was originally planned (stopping for ice cream on the way home for example), I cover the child. I’ll often treat to the minor things, like snacks, even if sufficient funds were sent. If we are doing something a little on the special side, like a play, that requires purchasing tickets in advance, I’ll pay. I also usually preference the invite with “my treat” or “we’ll cover x, y and z.” If we just invite them to go out for pizza or something along those lines, we pay. I also will cover my children’s friends when I know the parents simply can’t afford something; I’m doing that for *my* child.

But, if I were expected to pay $30 admission into the local water park every time my kids invited a friend, they wouldn’t be allowed to invite friends very often—not fun. That can get pricey. And some kids treat you like a bank. We have an entertainment complex—bowling, laser tag, video games, etc. Some kids spend like nothing and keep expecting you to fork out more and then get very pouty when you say enough is enough, and it completely ruins the day for everyone. If they know they have to spend their own money (another adult training thing), they tend to be more prudent with what they spend and don’t throw fits.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I have a different problem. I always expect to pay, when I invite them. Three weeks ago she had a slumber party. I paid for pizza, snacks, went out to lunch and the local pool. I paid for everything. No problem I invited them. Well last week one of the girls asked DD to spend the night. The mom called me and said they were going to the movies and the pool and I needed to send at least 20.00 with DD. I figured next time her friends come over I am making dinner here and they can watch movies. On the other hand she has a different friend that both her mom and myself always pay for each others child. We figured it out when we both tried to send money with the kids.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I have a different problem. I always expect to pay, when I invite them. Three weeks ago she had a slumber party. I paid for pizza, snacks, went out to lunch and the local pool. I paid for everything. No problem I invited them. Well last week one of the girls asked DD to spend the night. The mom called me and said they were going to the movies and the pool and I needed to send at least 20.00 with DD. I figured next time her friends come over I am making dinner here and they can watch movies. On the other hand she has a different friend that both her mom and myself always pay for each others child. We figured it out when we both tried to send money with the kids.

If this girl was among those who stayed at your place when you paid, I would start asking for money from her parents from this date forward. Some people simply take advantage of others' kindness. But I wouldn't change what I do for your DD because of a single parent like this. If they can't afford to send money with their DD, she misses out. Sad, but your only other choice is to allow yourself to be taken advantage of (something too many parents do, IMO)...

 

[CRdisMom]

I had not even considered this. I guess I need to be more aware next time we invite someone to go with us or if DD7 goes some place. Thank goodness most of our outting are in home playdate or the park.