Paying for BFF's trip. What are my obligations? Update Post #47

[3Gsandme]

I'd say something like "hey I know that WDW is often a family trip & your DH is wanting that family trip. I know he's never shown interest in Disney & now he is, that must be exciting for u & your son! I think we will bow out on this trip so you can enjoy your family trip. Let's talk soon to plan our future girls trip!"

Short & sweet. Then if she says oh well now he doesn't want to go, then you can decide how to proceed.

This exactly.

Except I agree tht I would say something like "I'll set the money aside so we can plan a trip for us and the kids later." to make it clear you're not giving them the money to go.

 

[Kalliope]

why would you take money that could be used to be closer to debt free and instead waste it on a vacation.

But I guess there is a reason this country is in trillions of dollars in debt because of your thinking.

You must not have read this board for very long if you're tsking Marionnette.
OP, take your inheritance and do something fun! Don't feel a seconds guilt about what someone else thinks you should do with *your* money!

 

[MsMamaBear]

I'd bow out. They live near Disneyland and he NEVER goes, but now that it's paid for, he wants to go? Yeah, please. Don't do it. DON'T DO IT! He truthfully sounds like my friend's husband, a total drag as well.

 

[Angeejoe]

Op here. Thanks everyone for the replies. Seems like the consensus is that I'm not responsible for BFF's DH's expenses, and it would not be much fun if he went. I agree. I'm going to call her tonight and be totally honest about what kind of trip I expected. Oh, and as far as my being "irresponsible" using inherited money to take a vacation, well. I don' think I have to justify myself but I will say that the only debt I have is my mortgage, a portion of the inheritance is going into an IRA, part into kids's college fund, and part for vacation. It's not "dumb" spending money someone you care about, to give them a wonderful experience, if you can afford to do so. So there is that, but thanks for your concern.

Good luck OP! Let us know how it goes!!!

 

[CarrieR]

Did you speak with her OP? How did it go?

Nosy nellies want the follow up to this story

 

[scdak]

Having subsidized many nice trips for a not so nice person who was a downer for all the trips I can say NO NO NO, talk to your BFF, tell her any of the nice suggestions you have been given on this thread but don't allow this man who has NO interest in going other times suddenly decide to go, it will ruin your trip! It doesnt matter if he thinks you are paying for him, if he pays for himself or not, you will be miserable. The downer in my life no longer plans to travel "ever again" due to him making an *** of himself with TSA at not one but TWO airports and he stated to his wife, his adult son and I that he would no longer travel by air, and won't travel by car shorter distances because it might cost him some money and in his words "I am a cheap B*****D".............his wife and my travels have been super, duper, awesome since then! Our trips are now stress free, we go where we want to go, eat where we want to eat, stay where we want to stay and laugh our foolish heads off pretty much 24/7 (we don't sleep a lot) because we are silly and carefree without being sensored all the time! The only bad part was that his adult son doesn't get to go with us, we do offer to include him but he declines. We offer to make plans for 4 people if he wants to find a friend to go with him too but so far he has declined that too, I think he just doesn't want to make his father mad by going but then again, he knows what his Dad is like and probably will go some day just to tick him off!

 

[2kidsForMe]

Update! I spoke to BFF. I told her that when I extended the offer I was hoping for a mom/kids trip. My DH isn't going and if hers did I would feel like I was crashing their family vacation. I told her that while I dearly love her DH (cough), he gets her 365 days a year, and I haven't seen her or her son in 2 years. I told her I wanted her all to myself LOL, and it's unlikely her son would hang to much with my kids if daddy was there. We talked about going to Disney World 24 years ago for high school graduation but we never did. I also said that I felt bad and would never want to put her in a position of choosing between DH and me for a trip to FL. I said we could always plan another girls trip if her hubby really wanted to go to FL. Maybe I would come out to CA next year and we could go to Disneyland. She told me not to worry! It's my dime and my decision and her DH will be ok either way. He doesn't like the idea of them flying without him but he could deal with it. She's just thrilled to go and is ready to start planning. So it's a success! Thank you everyone for the encouragement. Normally I tend to wuss out in situations like this, but now we are back on track.

 

[My2CrazyGirls]

I am so happy to hear this! Yah!!!!!!!

 

[Lisaloo]

Not everyone is swimming in debt lol!

OP, your post really made me cringe and I'm glad to see that you are going to have an honest conversation with your friend. Things are so much better when people just communicate. Hope you have an awesome trip!

And to the naysayer pp, we took part of my inheritance from my dad for a humdinger trip in July that included VIP touring and every other luxury we could think of to enjoy. My dad would have been thrilled and we are financially secure enough that the vacation wasn't even close to a budget breaker.

 

[eliza61]

Well you did post this in a budget/financial part of the board so I will put my 2 cents in.

Personally using money that you inherited for a vacation is very dumb let alone for other people.

Yes vacations are fun but if you have any debt it's un responsible to blow that on fun.

I know it's not the most popular way to think but being an adult isn't always fun.

Huh?? who made that rule. Inheritances can be used for any thing you want. How is taking a vacation "blowing" money??

Op you say this is your best friend. be honest. there isn't any thing I can't say to my best friend. she understand.

 

[mummabear]

To play devils advocate BFFs DH may have not been able to afford to take the family but could afford to pay for just his costs (as in all his costs), this doesnt change the fact that a girls and kids trip was offered and he is intruding on that.
I agree with a PP that just because BFFs DH doesn't want to repeatedly visit DLR doesn't mean he wants to miss out on his sons first WDW visit.
Perhaps you could offer for the DH to join them after your trip (and everything after you leave is at their cost), it would still save them the cost of the airfares and reduce the cost of their tickets assuming you are going less then 10 days.

 

[starry_solo]

Glad to read that everything worked out!

 

[2kidsForMe]

I like the idea of asking BFF if her husband might like to fly down at the end of our trip so that they could have a few days to themselves. Thanks for the suggestion. True, his not going to Disneyland doesn't necessarily mean he wouldn't want to go to Disneyworld with his family. But, you need to know the guy to understand why I assumed he wouldn't want to go. This is a guy who quit his job shortly after marrying my BFF because he "doesn't like being around people". He hasn't worked since. My BFF works her you know what off, paying the mortgage, car payments etc...She loves him and seems happy so I don't want to judge, but it drives me nuts. This is one of the reasons I wanted to do this trip for her. It is also one of the reasons I find it hard to be around him.

 

[MsMamaBear]

SO glad it worked out for you guys! Whew!

 

[justgrace]

I like the idea of asking BFF if her husband might like to fly down at the end of our trip so that they could have a few days to themselves. Thanks for the suggestion. True, his not going to Disneyland doesn't necessarily mean he wouldn't want to go to Disneyworld with his family. But, you need to know the guy to understand why I assumed he wouldn't want to go. This is a guy who quit his job shortly after marrying my BFF because he "doesn't like being around people". He hasn't worked since. My BFF works her you know what off, paying the mortgage, car payments etc...She loves him and seems happy so I don't want to judge, but it drives me nuts. This is one of the reasons I wanted to do this trip for her. It is also one of the reasons I find it hard to be around him.

I'm so glad everything worked out! Don't feel guilty about taking a vacation with the money that you inherited!! Time with family and friends is precious and you can never get it back. There's no reason why you shouldn't spend your money on what you choose to spend it on!!

 

[goofyintoronto]

I feel like her DH is tagging along now because he heard YOU'RE paying for the trip. So he feels that you'll pay for his too. Not very nice if you ask me.

I would 100% without a shadow of a doubt tell your friend youre interested in a GIRLS TRIP only. With the DH there, it wont be the same. The dynamics are different. Plus your DH isnt going. I would NOT be going if her DH is going too. Nor would I pay for her and her son if the DH is going. As someone mentioned above, tell them youre bowing out to give them space for their family trip.

EDIT: ooops! I just read the update. Glad everything worked out!!! So happy for you guys. Youre a great friend. Enjoy your trip!

 

[DawnM]

OP, I would put "update post #47" in your OP so people don't keep offering advice.

 

[loveshak22]

Update! I spoke to BFF. I told her that when I extended the offer I was hoping for a mom/kids trip. My DH isn't going and if hers did I would feel like I was crashing their family vacation. I told her that while I dearly love her DH (cough), he gets her 365 days a year, and I haven't seen her or her son in 2 years. I told her I wanted her all to myself LOL, and it's unlikely her son would hang to much with my kids if daddy was there. We talked about going to Disney World 24 years ago for high school graduation but we never did. I also said that I felt bad and would never want to put her in a position of choosing between DH and me for a trip to FL. I said we could always plan another girls trip if her hubby really wanted to go to FL. Maybe I would come out to CA next year and we could go to Disneyland. She told me not to worry! It's my dime and my decision and her DH will be ok either way. He doesn't like the idea of them flying without him but he could deal with it. She's just thrilled to go and is ready to start planning. So it's a success! Thank you everyone for the encouragement. Normally I tend to wuss out in situations like this, but now we are back on track.

So glad this worked out for you!!! I know you don't need any more advice, but my thought was along the lines of what you said. Explain your DH isn't going and you were planning on being with her and then the kids hanging out versus their family vacation being planned along with you and your kids. I'm glad she took it the way you meant it (girls time) as opposed to you not liking her DH...although he does seem like a kill joy!!

 

[Hopelessly_Devoted]

Well you did post this in a budget/financial part of the board so I will put my 2 cents in.

Personally using money that you inherited for a vacation is very dumb let alone for other people.

Yes vacations are fun but if you have any debt it's un responsible to blow that on fun.

I know it's not the most popular way to think but being an adult isn't always fun.

This comment is unnecessary and unnecessarily rude. You are making a lot of assumptions. You know what they say about assuming. :/

 

[littleblackegg]

Or, and I only put this out there because I know a lot of families with this sort of dynamic: Your BFF wants him to go and has been trying to get him to enjoy family things forever and is using the "we don't have to pay for it" card to manipulate him into going. Ugh. If that's the case, the next thing you will hear is, "If he can't come than the rest of us can't come." People in relationships like this do a lot of pushing and pulling and behind the scenes wheeling and dealing to get their needs met. Being totally frank and avoiding subterfuge is always the best way to handle it. Stick to your plan and don't be manipulated into anything you don't want to do.