Party etiquette, how would you reply?

[DLgal]

Um, no. Just say no. What the heck? I don't even understand wanting to bring the 20yo adult son, unless he was unable to be left home alone due to special needs or something. That's just weird to ask and I'd be annoyed. It's your DAUGHTER'S party. The people who come should be people she knows personally.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

it always amazes me that people even WANT to go to parties where they have little if no connection to the actual person the celebration is held for. I can think of so many other ways I'd rather spend the day or evening than tagging along to someone's event where I barely even know the person. Heck...I sometimes wish I can gracefully get out of attending events for people I DO know. lol

Yeah I had to go to a wedding in 2019 to help my mom due to her knee replacement but even before the knee replacement (when she didn't know exactly when she would be having it) she expressed that she wanted me to tag along so she wouldn't be alone. Trust me I didn't really want to be there. I didn't know anyone but a casual meeting (it was the daughter of my mom's childhood friend). But it was my mom asking and my husband was out at site in a different state. The wedding was fine but I would have rather not been there.

 

[aggiedog]

If the party is at a nice venue, maybe they just wanted to be able to check it out and get good food. Still ok to tell them "no."

 

[SandyinMonterey]

I would say would other posters mentioned...."you can't accommodate more guests."

 

[AppleDumpling]

Politely but firmly say no. You can tell her you’ve already given the headcount to the caterer and extra people cannot be accommodated. Or better yet, let your SO tell her that. She’s his relative. That’s how DH and I do it (30+ year marriage); any type of conflict, he deals with his family, I deal with mine.

And I agree with others, why would these young adults who don’t know your DD even want to come? Seems like it would be awkward and embarrassing for them.

Congratulations to your daughter.

 

[_19disnA]

It is rude for the person you invited to add other guests to the list. Since they texted you, there is really no reason to call and just invites an uncomfortable conversation. You don't have to justify who you invited and why. Whether or not the cost is an issue doesn't make it right for people to invite themselves to your event. I would simply text her back saying you can't accommodate additional guests. Just because that person is being pushy doesn't mean you have to allow them to run the show.

 

[Shellsbutt]

it always amazes me that people even WANT to go to parties where they have little if no connection to the actual person the celebration is held for. I can think of so many other ways I'd rather spend the day or evening than tagging along to someone's event where I barely even know the person. Heck...I sometimes wish I can gracefully get out of attending events for people I DO know. lol

I totally agree! They probably want to go for the free food and alcohol. I remember at my sister's wedding 30 years ago-people were walking away with bottles of champagne. No, they were not wedding favors

 

[Karin1984]

Wanting to invite three other people to someone’s paid event? It’s extremely rude.

I do not know what the text was on the invitation and what was exactly known about the event.
But to me, you can always ask. If the host says no, you have to accept that.

For all we know, it is a bit more a casual event, or maybe the OP normally doesn't mind extra guests, or whatever, and the answer could be yes.
One of the most annoying things in life is not ask something and then afterwards hear 'oh, you should have just asked'.

If you do not ask, you make an assumption that it's rude, an inconvenience, or that you will make a fool out of yourself, or whatever reason you can come up with. This doesn't necessarily have to be the case.

Where I come from if you have a graduation party at all, it's a very informal event. As it's usually summer after graduation, think events like a garden party, a casual BBQ. Those type of things.
To have a formal pay-per-head event, would not something that pops in my mind when someone invites me for a graduation party.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'm going to go with the husband is working if that's the going thought caused the issue if you are assuming he's unable to come because she didn't mention him. If the husband was able to come then this relative would have been fine I'm guessing (purely guessing). Consider that maybe she feels it's impolite for her to decline the invite. I mean you (or just your significant other not completely sure) hold a slight grudge that they didn't come to the son's grad party maybe they felt if they declined entirely you'd just add another thing to the list to hold to them. And how would it look if her mom went and she didn't? Or maybe that's what she's thinking about. Maybe they didn't come to your significant other's son grad party because they didn't have a strong connection to the son (just making a general comment). I wouldn't know for sure but it's possible the prior no-show to the other grad event may be interacting with how you see it not that I would think it's polite to invite multiple other people. Also was it conveyed about being strict about what type of event? I probably would assume country club=more of a specialized event but could also see renting space that can accommodate a larger amount of people than my house/property can reasonably fit. A lot of grad parties seem to be just open house style come and go type thing but we'll say "DIS regional" for that one.

You may want to double check the husband isn't coming because I could see how a neutral statement of not being able to accommodate any more guests could still mean the son comes if the husband doesn't because it would be the same number of people as initially invited so her son can go in her husband's place. I could see how it could have snowballed into the daughter (and what I assume in this context the son-in-law) came to be added to the mix.

I won't cut and dry the adult children invite. The son does live with the relative and grad events can be low-key open house style mingle around kind of thing so I can see actually inviting those who reside in the household to an event like this. You can invite or don't invite other members of the household but it's not unheard of either to do that.

As far as the no-show (which you seemed concerned you'd have to absorb the cost unnecessarily). I'm assuming it's built-in a leeway for a certain amount of people to be no-shows AND people who didn't RSVP but showed up anyways. That's often the case with per-plate events. That doesn't mean I would see it as acceptable to show up with 4 to 5 people (depending on if the husband comes too) when only 2 were invited. But I would assume the amount you paid was based off of 40 people plus some leeway there. Maybe not but that seem more in-line with paid per-plate events where you assume one way or another some will show up and some won't and you don't want to not have enough food so you error on the side of caution.

I don't think it's impolite for you to decline the additional people at all but hey at least she accepted coming to this event (looking at the bright side).

 

[wenrob]

I do not know what the text was on the invitation and what was exactly known about the event.
But to me, you can always ask. If the host says no, you have to accept that.

For all we know, it is a bit more a casual event, or maybe the OP normally doesn't mind extra guests, or whatever, and the answer could be yes.
One of the most annoying things in life is not ask something and then afterwards hear 'oh, you should have just asked'.

If you do not ask, you make an assumption that it's rude, an inconvenience, or that you will make a fool out of yourself, or whatever reason you can come up with. This doesn't necessarily have to be the case.

Where I come from if you have a graduation party at all, it's a very informal event. As it's usually summer after graduation, think events like a garden party, a casual BBQ. Those type of things.
To have a formal pay-per-head event, would not something that pops in my mind when someone invites me for a graduation party.

The OP has stated it’s paid per plate so not casual and we wouldn’t have a thread if the OP didn’t mind. It’s at a venue so I’m going to assume that’s on the invitation.

Aside from all of that, it’s rude no matter what type of event it is, even casual. You’re asking your host to accommodate and pay for other people not to mention putting them on the spot. The only thing that would be more rude is just showing up with extra people.

 

[Karin1984]

The OP has stated it’s paid per plate so not casual and we wouldn’t have a thread if the OP didn’t mind. It’s at a venue so I’m going to assume that’s on the invitation.

Aside from all of that, it’s rude no matter what type of event it is, even casual. You’re asking your host to accommodate and pay for other people not to mention putting them on the spot. The only thing that would be more rude is just showing up with extra people.

Still don't agree with you. But I will keep it in mind if you would ever invite me to a party ;-)

 

[wenrob]

Still don't agree with you. But I will keep it in mind if you would ever invite me to a party ;-)

Same

 

[Tink-osophy]

I agree with a simple response of, "Can't accommodate any extra people" ...and by text, since she asked by text.

IOW, I'd make it clear and simple and not make it a big deal.

That's not to say I don't understand your irritation - I do - but now I'd try to focus on DD and the party instead.

 

[AndreaDM]

I'm going to go with the husband is working if that's the going thought caused the issue if you are assuming he's unable to come because she didn't mention him. If the husband was able to come then this relative would have been fine I'm guessing (purely guessing). Consider that maybe she feels it's impolite for her to decline the invite. I mean you (or just your significant other not completely sure) hold a slight grudge that they didn't come to the son's grad party maybe they felt if they declined entirely you'd just add another thing to the list to hold to them. And how would it look if her mom went and she didn't? Or maybe that's what she's thinking about. Maybe they didn't come to your significant other's son grad party because they didn't have a strong connection to the son (just making a general comment). I wouldn't know for sure but it's possible the prior no-show to the other grad event may be interacting with how you see it not that I would think it's polite to invite multiple other people. Also was it conveyed about being strict about what type of event? I probably would assume country club=more of a specialized event but could also see renting space that can accommodate a larger amount of people than my house/property can reasonably fit. A lot of grad parties seem to be just open house style come and go type thing but we'll say "DIS regional" for that one.

You may want to double check the husband isn't coming because I could see how a neutral statement of not being able to accommodate any more guests could still mean the son comes if the husband doesn't because it would be the same number of people as initially invited so her son can go in her husband's place. I could see how it could have snowballed into the daughter (and what I assume in this context the son-in-law) came to be added to the mix.

I won't cut and dry the adult children invite. The son does live with the relative and grad events can be low-key open house style mingle around kind of thing so I can see actually inviting those who reside in the household to an event like this. You can invite or don't invite other members of the household but it's not unheard of either to do that.

As far as the no-show (which you seemed concerned you'd have to absorb the cost unnecessarily). I'm assuming it's built-in a leeway for a certain amount of people to be no-shows AND people who didn't RSVP but showed up anyways. That's often the case with per-plate events. That doesn't mean I would see it as acceptable to show up with 4 to 5 people (depending on if the husband comes too) when only 2 were invited. But I would assume the amount you paid was based off of 40 people plus some leeway there. Maybe not but that seem more in-line with paid per-plate events where you assume one way or another some will show up and some won't and you don't want to not have enough food so you error on the side of caution.

I don't think it's impolite for you to decline the additional people at all but hey at least she accepted coming to this event (looking at the bright side).

Wow, there's a whole lot here to unpack lol. They DID rsvp to my step-son's grad party, but didn't show, and that's not the first event where they've done this. They have a much stronger connection to my step-son than my DD, have known him since he was born, have known my DD maybe 5 years and seen her maybe once a year? I have a feeling this person would have invited her adult kids and son-in-law even if her husband wasn't working. (he works in oil fields and is gone a lot so that's why I assume he's working that week) I guess I'm still trying to wrap my head around WHY several young adults would want to spend a weekend afternoon at a grad party for someone they barely know? I am wondering if maybe she asked me if they could come before she asks them, and chances are they won't even want to come, but still very inappropriate for her to ask to invite 3 people who were not invited.

All that to say, I think I'm going to let my SO handle this...

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

They have a much stronger connection to my step-son than my DD, have known him since he was born, have known my DD maybe 5 years and seen her maybe once a year?

Maybe they are trying to make up for the prior no-show, IDK?

I guess if I was annoyed that they didn't come the last time I probably would have not invited them because they don't have much of a connection to this grad (which you seem to agree who would want to go to a party where you don't have a big connection). I'm not going to spend my money on ancillary people if the event is that selective and I'm that concerned about price per plate (purely my opinion) it just wouldn't be worth the stress when I could save that money or use it to invite people closer to the actual grad in relation.

Why were they invited anyways when they have such a little connection to the grad and where you're at an event that is small and an event that is paid per person and you don't want to be on the hook for the flaky people? Was it for appearances? Meaning you didn't want to come off rude for not inviting these people?

Maybe if these people are not invited to enough events they'll get the hint they are perceived as unreliable.

I have a feeling this person would have invited her adult kids and son-in-law even if her husband wasn't working. (he works in oil fields and is gone a lot so that's why I assume he's working that week)

Fair enough.

I guess I'm still trying to wrap my head around WHY several young adults would want to spend a weekend afternoon at a grad party for someone they barely know?

They probably don't. But like I explained in how I ended up wrapped up at a wedding for people I'd barely known (I had met them 1 time before). Parental asking can count for a lot. Just saying I could see how they could get pressured even if it's the last place they want to be lol

I am wondering if maybe she asked me if they could come before she asks them,

Totally possible

still very inappropriate for her to ask to invite 3 people who were not invited.

Agreed

 

[ronandannette]

exactly this, but I would be less polite. They texted you, so I would text back. Text is their chosen method of commincation with you, so use that method.

Basically a oh heck no from me. You invited who you invited, end of. And you are paying per person, so no, no plus ones, plus twos.

People need to get over this oh what will they think of me if I don't allow their plus one. Get a backbone and just don't be a doormat. Your party, you are paying, your rules, end of. Big deal if they get a hump.

Really? Why? The reply you quoted was clear and concise - what would you possibly gain by being unnecessarily antagonist to a family member?

 

[Heigh-Ho]

Yes it's inconsiderate to invite the additional people and I understand where you're put off by that. The easiest reply is what was already said about accommodating more. I think a text is fine, that's how they asked you, seems fine to me.

Why were the relatives invited to a small, and what seems like maybe a costly affair if they aren't really close to the daughter who is graduating? Some people are the more the merrier type but it doesn't seem that way for the author of the thread who wants to keep the guest count low and is considering the covering of the plate into that.

I would wonder why the relative even wants to be there to an event of a person they aren't close to and would probably not waste their time in inviting them if I was in charge of the guest list. Them not coming to a previous graduation event for someone closer would make that even stronger for me to not invite them. If they didn't come to one where they are closer to the person you are celebrating why would I invite them to one where they aren't. They are a relative, still able to be invited to other events.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

let your SO tell her that. She’s his relative.

That's a good point! Maybe though the author of the thread is the point of contact for RSVP's or they just assume she'd be the one to go to to ask even though they are a relation to her significant other. If that's the case I could see why the author of the thread would be the one to tell them no but if the significant other is equally as involved let him be the one to say it.

 

[Orion Nebula]

I would just tell them that you already booked for X amount of people, and saved her a spot. That does two things A. it shows her the reason more can't attend and B. shows her that you wanted her to come as she was added to the limited guest list. Which should make her a tiny bit honored and lighten the blow.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Oh, this is easy. You simply reply, “If I’d wanted your kids there, I would have invited them.”
Or not. I think someone upthread might have had a better worded response.
Sorry they put you on the spot like this. I’m of the belief it’s always rude to invite yourself or others to places you/they weren’t invited.