Parents - Would you feel at all responsible if your children got heavily into debt?

[Ember]

I've come across a few articles lately, where the author bemoans the fact that their parents didn't teach them about money management and/or credit card debt. While the authors don't cross the boundary of blaming their parents, rather than accepting personal responsibility, there is a wish that they had known more.

Here are two such examples: http://achingdebts.com/what-my-parents-did-not-teach-me-about-money/

http://www.realmofprosperity.com/2010/07/3-lessons-my-parents-never-taught-me-about-credit-cards/

I have close friends who are, sadly, in debt to an exorbitant amount, and they have said more or less the same thing, only perhaps with a little more parental blame and not quite enough personal responsibility...

They were both raised in upper middle class homes, with parents who had the mentality that their kids would have everything they didn't. Upon getting married, they immediately bought new, large home and furnished it, bought cars, went on trips, and generally lived it up. They are both professionals and well paid, but their lifestyle quickly outstripped their means.

While "entitled" is probably a good word to describe them, how could they be anything else? They were raised in such a way as to believe they deserved what they wanted, with no instruction in finances. They are slowly coming to their senses, and trying to dig their way out again, but it will be a long road. The one comment made by both of them, which seemed to echo articles like the ones I posted were, "I wish our parents had taught us more about money."

So my question is: What, if any, responsibility do parents have when their children rack up debt?

 

[Hannathy]

None.

However I will say I think parents do their kids a real disservice if they don't talk money and finances the child's whole life. It isn't something you tell them at 18 once and then they are gone. You talk about it their whole life. You always talk about making choices and paying your bills and do we have enough money for that. Or we have to pay our bills and SAVE up for Disney. You don't run out and buy them that new car or every gadget they want without making them figure out how it is getting paid for. and most important you say NO once in a while!!!

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

So my question is: What, if any, responsibility do parents have when their children rack up debt?

None, from the standpoint of being responsible for their debt. At some point, we all have to pull up our big boy/girl undies and realize that the way our lives turn out, is due to us, and no one else.

There are millions of people who grew up in the exact same situation as your friends, but yet managed to not accumulate high levels of debt and educate themselves about their financial state really well.

Now, given that, am I trying to teach my kids good financial habits, yes, very much so, we've gotten a really good system in managing our finances and are comfortable, and I want to try and show my kids how to accomplish the same things for themselves. However, just like my folks did when I was stupid in my late teens/early 20's, I won't let them starve (isn't gruel a food group? ), but I won't pay their debt for them either!

 

[indimom]

Honestly I think most people learn best from their own mistakes.

Some will learn from being told, but most need a little hands-on lesson in life.

You can tell a kid over and over not to toss things in the house, but until they shatter the chandelier over their head, they haven't really learned. (They may obey, but they haven't learned.)

Same goes for finances. My parents put a focus on money management all the years I was growing up, but I still had to get a few surprises early in my adult life to make me realize how important it was.

 

[eyor44]

Absolutly none. I have a 25 year old who is just figuring money out. I tried forever to teach him, but he wouldn't let me. I offered to teach him how to handle a check book, nope didn't have time. I offered to help him set up a budget, nope wanted to do it his way. Always buying things he didn't need or even want, but it was a good deal and he might need it one day, or he had plans for it. I let him move back home to get finances under control and to go back to college. He did neither despite working full time and overtime. After two years, I told him it was time to go. I helped it get an apartment, furnished it with the basics and told him I would be happy to answers any questions he might have. And that is it. His bills are his responsibility.

I am proud to say that it has been a very learning year for him and he is finally figuring it out. Mainly, he is learning to think before he buys something or spends money.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

I wouldn't feel guilty nor would I take any blame if my kids messed up.

I've been teaching my son since he was 13 years old about debt, credit cards, budgets, ect... He said he's learned alot and when we sit down each month to review the credit card we are using as a teaching tool, he is reminded of how to handle money properly. Will he make mistakes as an adult? I'm sure he will but I've done my best and he has to handle it himself.

I will be starting to teach my DD next year I think when she is 12.

I wish I could teach my husband as easily.

 

[JamesMom]

I think teaching kids finances is lot like taking a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
It is our responsibility as parents to teach our kids the skills they need to budget, understand credit and the advantages of saving, but thne the ball is in their proverbial court.
My mom, bless her heart, tried to teach me these things (gave me lunch allowance, clothing allowance and forced saving of my earnings in high school), but it didn't stick. I got credit cards, maxed them and ruined my credit as those debts were charged off. Still lived above my means for another decade. Some lessons are hard to learn despite the most talented instructors.
But to my mom's credit, she never bailed me out despite my pleas. Sure she let me move in and save up money (ALWAYS short term with a exit stragety in place), but never paid my debts for me.
I am already teaching my children to budget - earn extra money for chores and an allowance with a bank account for my DS8 who buys all his own toys and games throughout the year. He figures out how long to save up and where to find a good deal. I plan to build on this through their lives so that by the time they go off to college they know how to budget for an apartment, taxes and food. Then they are on their own - especially their own dime!

 

[PrincessBelle09]

From the perspective of the "entitled" child, I would say that my parents have absolutely no responsibility for my debt. I wish my parents had taught me more about financial planning and the problems associated with debt (they did tell me that credit cards were bad, but not really why, so I just didn't get it). They told me not to blow my money, but never showed me how to budget. And I was spoiled because they wanted me to have all of the things that they didn't have. However, they did not teach me about financial planning. I am an intelligent person. I could have figured it all out on my own before racking up some debt. I knew that debt was "bad" and having my finances under control was "important". I simply did not bother to figure out why it was so and how to approach money. Therefore, it is MY responsibility to get MY financial life in order.

It may be my parents fault that I turned out the way I did, but it's my fault for staying there!

 

[Cynt]

NO! Absolutely not! Yes, it helps if they do but take responsibility for your own actions. Your parents shouldn't need to tell a grown child that no you shouldn't purchase that $50K car that you can't afford. You should get this $20K car that fits in your budget.

This is one reason why I'm glad I grew up while my family was the working low middle class. I understand the value of a dollar. I paid my way through college and learned how to live on $20 a week. Now as an adult when the car breaks, the fridge is out and I have unexpected expenses, I know how to buckle down and make a casserole to take for lunch for the week and make beans and rice and cornbread for dinner. We were never on welfare and no food stamps but money was ALWAYS TIGHT! My mom and dad always had a job. They taught us by example. You work and pay your bills. You don't purchase junk that you don't need. We didn't have money for extra stuff so we appreciated the things they purchased for us and we learned to SHARE! We had one game/car/hair dryer/etc. but the 7 of us shared them. We also learned how to take care of our stuff because once it was broke that was it but it also meant that noone could enjoy it any more.

Now that we're adults we pass along these same standards to our kids/nieces and nephews. Some of us are college educated others are not so we are able to spoil them rotten but believe me when I tell you my nieces and nephews understand the word no and save your money so you can purchase it. And we learned really quickly that the best gift you can give a child is your time. All the "THINGS" eventually break or get tossed in the bottom of the toy chest but a parents/aunt/uncle's time is priceless.

 

[Gr8t Fan]

Not at all! I try to teach my kids to be financially responsible. Whether they'll turn out that way or not depends on them, not me.

My parents were so irresponsible with money that they never even owned their own home and were always living paycheck to paycheck, sometimes borrowing money from me when I first started working. I vowed that my life wouldn't be like that and do what I have to do to make sure it isn't.

 

[Pakey]

No. Our children are grown (ranging in age from 30 to 35) and I have no idea what their finances are. We don't discuss it.

 

[snowywhite89]

The parents do have responsibility in their kids debt if they kept bailing the kids out rather than let them learn the lesson that not bailing them out would have taught the kids.

 

[KristinU]

Having been in debt because of living by the "I want it now" mantra, and getting out of it by putting on our big boy and girl undies I can say that I never blamed either DH's or my parents for our debt, nor do I think they were to blame.

However, do I wish they would have taught me some financial skills? Yes. And I'm not talking a sit-down discussion or a book or two...I'm talking teaching by a way of life. My formative years were in the fat, dumb, and happy 80's...and of course people want to give their kids what they didn't have, but there are consequences to over indulging and some hard lessons to be learned. But then again, I appreciate the concept of learning best the hard way, so I'm not angry about the fact that DH and I had to figure it out for ourselves.

But as for our own parenting and teaching DS financial skills - we started planting the seeds when he was 3. We just feel that financial literacy is something to be learned and modeled over a lifetime because of our own mistakes and lessons learned.

 

[sk!mom]

Not at all! I try to teach my kids to be financially responsible. Whether they'll turn out that way or not depends on them, not me.

My parents were so irresponsible with money that they never even owned their own home and were always living paycheck to paycheck, sometimes borrowing money from me when I first started working. I vowed that my life wouldn't be like that and do what I have to do to make sure it isn't.

Completely agree! DH's story is identical to yours. We have already helped with end of life expenses for one parent and will undoubtedly be responsible for the other, as well.

My parents did a bit better only because they had two incomes while DH's mom never worked. My parents have long gone from one financial crises to the next largely due to overspending.

DH and I did not want that lifestyle so despite marrying young with no knowledge of responsible money management, we set to work learning. We never lived above our means, never relied on credit, etc....

I think that it's part of a parent's responsibility to teach your child in this area. But just as you're not responsible when your child flunks out of college after you valued education, becomes a teen mom after all of your education, or whatever else. Ultimatly we all make our own choices, decisions, and often learn the hard way.

Haven't had time to read the articles in full but honestly, in my experience, the sooner one takes responsibilty for their own success or failure the better your life will go.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Parents should indeed teach their kids how finances work. They should not blame themselves if the kid ignores it. They should be ashamed of themselves if they teach it wrong...I.e. Extending themselves BEYOND their means. There are parents that do that and that is just wrong.

However, at anytime, the adult child can grow up and learn the right way.

I learned some bad money habits from my mom that I should not have been "taught" and do feel she shares some of the blame. (My first debt collection was due to a medical bill of mine that she threw out. I was still waiting for the bill, but got the debt collection phone call.)

In the end, I am responsible for my actions.

 

[ancestry]

I don't feel that parents have any responsibility assuming that their children are adults when the debt is racked up.

My mother was (is) a penny pincher. She never had any debt and always has had the mentality that she can't afford anything and still keeps that mentality even though she most certain CAN afford things. As a result of what I view to be her over prudent financial outlook I have been a lot more liberal with my spending and debt that I probably should have been throughout my life. I refuse to constantly deny myself any enjoyment like she had done. To her taking a vacation is bordering on a mortal sin even with hundreds of thousands of dollars in the bank. In my opinion, there needs to be a happy balance with spending and saving.

Ultimately every adult needs to set and learn what their own priorities are.

 

[crisi]

I spend a lot of time trying to explain to my kids how money works.

But they are kids - I hope some of it sticks.

I really believe that MOST people who say "I wish I'd have l had been taught more" really mean "I wish I had LISTENED when people tried to teach it to me." Maybe I'm unusual, maybe my kids are unusual, but I got how to handle money talks from my parents, in middle school, in high school and in college. We learned about interest in Alegbra and the stock market in History and Social Studies. My kids get it in school and from me. My Scouts get it when we talk about troop budget and cookie sales. If you bother to pay attention, its a plot point in books and movies, and if you want to learn more, entire shelves at the library are covered with it. And even if your parents are bad with money, watching them with awareness would at least teach you what not to do.

"I didn't get taught" is really "I never bothered to learn" and "I didn't think it was important" when there is ample information on the topic. And I'm not taking responsibility for "I never bothered to learn."

 

[msmama]

Well, how is a person supposed to just magically know how things work?

I do think it's the parent's resposibility to teach their children about money and finances. I saw on the Today show once that something like 75% of high schoolers DIDN'T KNOW they had to pay back the money they spent on credit cards.

Yes, I blame the parents for not teaching them. (While I do somewhat agree with the previous posters "I didn't pay attention" attitude, I do think there are a lot of people who were also just never taught.)

Would you buy your kid a car without anyone ever teaching them how to drive?

(That said, if a grown up is in debt, I don't expect their parents to save them monitarily).

If my son (who is only 2 1/2) found himself in debt as a grown-up because of stupid things, then, as a parent, I think I would wonder where I went wrong.

 

[MrsPete]

I spend a lot of time trying to explain to my kids how money works.

But they are kids - I hope some of it sticks.

I really believe that MOST people who say "I wish I'd have l had been taught more" really mean "I wish I had LISTENED when people tried to teach it to me." Maybe I'm unusual, maybe my kids are unusual, but I got how to handle money talks from my parents, in middle school, in high school and in college. We learned about interest in Alegbra and the stock market in History and Social Studies. My kids get it in school and from me. My Scouts get it when we talk about troop budget and cookie sales. If you bother to pay attention, its a plot point in books and movies, and if you want to learn more, entire shelves at the library are covered with it. And even if your parents are bad with money, watching them with awareness would at least teach you what not to do.

"I didn't get taught" is really "I never bothered to learn" and "I didn't think it was important" when there is ample information on the topic. And I'm not taking responsibility for "I never bothered to learn."

I think there's some truth in this. I specifically remember my Algebra teacher making us repeat out loud over and over: "I want a simple interest loan with no pre-payment penalty". And she showed us exactly how interest worked. I understood it, even at a young age.

I think lots of kids get the lessons, but they don't "put two and two together". That is, they can work math problem after math problem about how much interest hypothetical Maria will spend if she buys a $100,000 house at 7% or how much hypothetical Joseph will have at age 65 if he invests $1000/year beginning at age 25 . . . but they fail to see what that has to do with their own lives.

Also, I think lots of families spend a little bit of time SAYING, "Spend this way" and a lot of time SPENDING in a completely different way. When kids have been raised to believe that spending is a way of life -- when they eat out several times per week, when they get a whole new wardrobe every year at back-to-school time, when they go on expensive vacations even though Dad was laid off for six months last year -- they don't get the message that income and outgo are related.

I really think you're right to say that kids KNOW this stuff, but they don't APPLY it.

 

[Ember]

This is one reason why I'm glad I grew up while my family was the working low middle class. I understand the value of a dollar. I paid my way through college and learned how to live on $20 a week. Now as an adult when the car breaks, the fridge is out and I have unexpected expenses, I know how to buckle down and make a casserole to take for lunch for the week and make beans and rice and cornbread for dinner. We were never on welfare and no food stamps but money was ALWAYS TIGHT!

This is very similar to how I grew up, only it was just my mom and I. She went back to collage when I was quite small to make a better life for us and those years, and the years while she got started in her new field were hard. Things didn't really ease until I was a teenager, and by that time I was well aware of the value of a dollar.

The parents do have responsibility in their kids debt if they kept bailing the kids out rather than let them learn the lesson that not bailing them out would have taught the kids.

This is a very succinct way to put it.