Parents with teen dd's.....help with social issues

[luvdzne]

Again...more great advice! Thanks everyone!

Several people have mentioned her trying something other than cheer...trust me I have tried to get her interested in something else. She says cheering is the only thing she is good at. I have given her every opportunity to try something else but she keeps going back to cheer. You don't think of a very shy girl being a cheerleader but she is good at it and while she is cheering she comes out of her shell. She has joined a few other clubs at school this year.

Someone mentioned jealousy and that is part of it with at least her x best friend on the squad. They were always told they looked like sisters but people would tell the other girls my dd was prettier. My dd said she always felt bad when someone would say that. She has been very verbally abusive to my dd since she made the squad this year. My dd said at practice last night she tried to say something to another girl and this girl jumped in and told her to "shut up, no one cares what she has to say". So dd just walked away.

A few people have mentioned church groups as being a good place to make friends. Many of the girls that treat her poorly are the girls that are huge into their youth group at church....

As for her Dr laughing at her...She was there for a physical and I mentioned she was having trouble with making and keeping friends. He chuckled and said a pretty girl like her can't possibly have trouble making friends.

I am going to make her an appointment to see a therapist. I don't think because you go to one that your "crazy". She definitely needs someone to and give her ideas how to handle when she is in situations and how to stand up for herself.

I have heard of the book "Queen Bees and Wanna Be's" and I am going to go look for it this week.

Thanks again everyone for the great advice. I know this too will pass, it is part of growing up. But OMG...it is so hard to watch your child go thru this.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

OP- as someone who was a kid who had trouble making friends can I make a few suggestions?

Kids learns how to make friends from their parents. Are you social? Do you approach new people? Do you have a good group of friends? Do you get together with other Moms etc.?
I ask because looking back I realize that I really didn't know how to make or be a friend that well. I don't blame my parents because we had a hard situation in our family that left little time for them to be socializing but I do realize that I had nothing to model after. I now force myself to make the time for those things and make sure that my kids see me actually socializing etc. It is still very hard for me but I want them to learn.

Another problem I have is that you sat and listened to two Moms berate your dd. I get that you didn't want to make a problem worse but I would have said something to them right then and there. You don't need to cause a scene but you could have said something like "You may have your opinions but she is my child and I love her. The same way I assume you love your own child. The fact that you would pick apart a child like this really gives me insight as to why your child behaves the way she does. She simply knows no better. You should be ashamed."
You have to teach people how to treat you. When you do that you are teaching your dd to teach people how to treat her. When the girl told your dd to shut up she shouldn't have backed down. She needs to given the tools to do that. I know you love your child and it is beyond heartbreaking to see your child hurting. I also know what it is like to be that child. It stinks. Counseling is a great idea but you also need to model the behavior that you want her to imitate.
Good luck.

 

[disneygirl_wdw]

I can relate to your daughter. 10-12 years ago I was in the same situation as her. All throughout gradeschool I was constantly left out of activities and didn't have any friends. I hated doing group projects or anything else involving teaming up. I was probably the most picked on in my entire class. I couldn't see anything I was doing wrong. I was extremely quiet and shy. 8th grade things changed some, a few of the girls would start to hang out with me but they would still ignore me some. I was always the one left out once they had to pair up or do groups of a certain number. I had little self esteem. Once I entered high school things somewhat changed. I met a girl, we hung out, and became best friends. I still had some problems due to my shyness and low self esteem. I would still be the one in the group left out in my classes and a few things but I thought things were changing. That changed Jr year. She ended up ignoring me and going off in her own little group. I was left by myself in classes with no one I knew. The 2nd semester of my Jr year I met my new best friend. We both had simular situations and became best friends. When college came around we were still very close and she actually introduced me to my husband. We still hang out every weekend to this day. I am also slowly breaking out of my shell, my husband does get frustrated with me because of the problems I do have with communication. I now have a wonderful group of friends of all different ages that are building up my self esteem. I know it's hard now but someday she will meet someone that she can trust and have a nice friendship with. If someone told me back in gradeschool where I ended up today I would have thought they were crazy, but good things do happen to good people. I still deal with the emotional scars from my childhood but I am slowly acepting everything that has happened to me. It still takes me awhile before I will share my ideas and it takes me a long time to speak for fear of everyones reactions. Just tell her to hang in there and things will get better. My mom was so supportive of me, constantly encouraging me, and being my shoulder to cry on. To this day I can talk to her about anything.
I got really involved with Girl Scouts. I was involved in a group with no one from my school and that helped some. See if there is anything that she could get involved in. The good things about Girl Scouts is they cover a wide variety of activities. Hang in there.

 

[carone0318]

I say keep her in cheer. It is the one thing she is positive about and it seems to be where she draws some confidence from. Any kids who says they are good at something, must has some confidence... How about finding an All-Star Cheer program with a different set of girls. Maybe she could make new friends while still doing something she loves. If she wants to continue HS cheering that's fine too, but she might find new friends with common interests.

My dd turns 13 tomorrow. She is a tiny little thing, weighs about 75# and is around 4'6" tall. She hasn't started puberty yet, so she looks like a little kids compared to all of the girls at school. Thankfully she is a competitive gymnast and when someone makes a comment like oh you are so small or what size clothes do you wear, blah, blah, blah dd just says I'm a gymnast, being small is a good thing. She has so much confidence.

There is though 1 girl who is her "friend" but has always given her problems. Dd finally broke away from her as a good friend a couple of yrs ago and now they are just like classroom friends who don't do anything outside of school. She will always make digs and I flat out tell dd she is jealous, I don't know why but that is what it is. Never let her see you affected by what she says. That's what she wants. Ignore her and if she says something to you, don't be her doormat. If you choose to say something back make sure you are around a lot of people. If it is one-on-one, she can change it to whatever she wants, but if others hear it, she'll have to live with it and she will crumble - that's usually how bullies (queen bees) work - can dish it, but surely can't take it!

Dd will finally be rid of her next yr as they will go to different HS, but then I'll be worried about how dd will be perceived at her new school because of her size and everything all over again.

Again, I say keep the cheer but find another outlet to do it - there are some good cheer girls out there, I'm guessing and hoping!

 

[pozey]

Many, many hugs to you and your daughter.

 

[Stitchfans]

I don't have any advice, but I'm going through an extremely similar situation at school, (at the same age, no less,) all I can say is to give her plenty of love and comfort. Please tell her that there are others going through the same thing as she is, and that I hope things get better for her soon.

So far only read up to this post, will read on later.

This post is breaking my heart even more. My DD also 15 is going through this right now herself. I can't believe I just came across this thread. Just yesterday I called her counselor to see if he could help or lend me some advice on how to help her. She also is very quiet and very shy. She has expressed everything mentioned above, but also bullying problems.

When I told her counselor about the bullying problem he became angry and wanted to inform/include the dean. My main concern is if that happens the bullying with become worse and a new kettle of worms will be opened. This one girl who is part of the group decided she hated DD for some reason and has all the rest of DD's so called friends whom she has known since grade school to often shun her. They will only talk to her when there is no one else to talk to.

This girl has said and done some horrible things to DD. She is such a horrible creature. When I spoke to another mother about it she said that the girl runs her household. She tells her mother what to do. She is spoiled rotten. Her mother ignores the bad behavior and in fact encourages it saying it is a sign of how strong her daughter is. I must read on in this thread to see if there is any good advice that was given. Plus hope that the counselor can help also.

I wish all the girls going through this finds some peace and some decent true friends!

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I don't have any good advice that hasn't already been mentioned here but I wanted to give you a

 

[beattyfamily]

I don't have any advice, but I'm going through an extremely similar situation at school, (at the same age, no less,) all I can say is to give her plenty of love and comfort. Please tell her that there are others going through the same thing as she is, and that I hope things get better for her soon.

Me too. I've been reading this thread with great interest because my DD sounds very similar, however, she is only 10.

She has Asperger 'tendencies'....social, emotional, meltdowns, sensory...

She has no friends. Gets picked on at recess and is known as a 'cry baby'.

She belongs to Girl Scouts because she loves it but also in the hopes that she will socialize and make friends.

She sees a counselor every other week. She's in a special program at school called ACES where they handle her emotional/physical well being. They have an OT, a speech and physical therapist, an adjustment counselor. They have life skills therapy, art therapy, OT and buddy groups and they also handle the academics one on one. She only sees her peers in her homeroom for the 'specials' like gym, art, music, computers, library and lunch and recess. Eventually, as she can handle it, they will have her with her peers more often for classes that she enjoys like science for example.

Our insurance will not cover private OT.

I don't know what else to do for her. Thank goodness the school is so supportive.

I pray everyday that she will have at least one best friend someday.

Best wishes, OP.

 

[2girlsmom]

My 11 year old sounds the same way. She is ADHD, so far they haven't talked about Aspberger's (I personally wonder though). She IS rather young for her age, loves younger kids, still very into Disney and likes cartoons, stuffed animals, etc. She is starting to get into the idea of makeup and all that, but not a lot. She has a couple friends from our church that she sees now at school too, which has been a blessing to us. She just started middle school, in elementary she was in a small school, only 23 kids in her grade total, and in their 5th grade graduation book, MANY kids said how she is always nice, even though other people are mean to her, etc. I kept thinking that if they really think that, WHY are they mean? I know that she has a couple girls from elementary school that she WANTS to stay friends with, one completely ignores her and walks away, the other is friends with this first, so when she is alone with my dd, she is great, but if with the other girl is nasty to her. Just this year they have started calling our house to prank my dd and call her names, etc. I honestly don't care if they don't want to be friends, but just LEAVE HER ALONE then! She doesn't get the concept of ignoring things/people either, so it is very painful to her when they act this way.

 

[tmq2766]

OP I have sent you a PM...
I was told the other day from the councelor at my DD's school that when your child bleeds as a parent we Hemorrhage. That hits it right on the head!!!!

 

[bumbershoot]

I've talked to her about counseling but it was her pediatrician we tried talking to about it and he laughed at her and said there was no way she had a hard time making friends. So that was it for her trusting talking to another adult.

In my household, that would be one FIRED pediatrician.

 

[minkydog]

...Just yesterday I called her counselor to see if he could help or lend me some advice on how to help her. She also is very quiet and very shy. She has expressed everything mentioned above, but also bullying problems.

When I told her counselor about the bullying problem he became angry and wanted to inform/include the dean. My main concern is if that happens the bullying with become worse and a new kettle of worms will be opened..

Ooooorr...it might get better. In our school district we have a no tolerance policy on bullying. Any form of bullying is taken very seriously and admins don't hesitate to lay the hammer down; in fact, it is not uncommon for police to get involved if it is a repeat offender.

My son suffered bullying in the 9th grade. He was a small boy, only 5' and less than 100-lbs. It was awful--this kid would stalk him from class to class, even entering classrooms that he didn't belong in just to torture my son. One day he hurt my son and John finally broke down and told us what was going on. We were at school the next morning talking to the principal and by 3:30pm they had sent that boy packing. Turns out he had a long list of infractions, including fighting and insubordination to teachers. Anyway, he was history after that.

I think you need to let the school know what's going on. I'm sure they would be very interested. And if they refuse to do anything, you do have other options (homeschooling, changing schools, calling your attorney.)

 

[luvdzne]

I am in tears reading the stories added. I wish all the girls going though this could get together. Hugs to all the girls going though this!

My dd called me from school today crying and begging me to come home. Without knowing what was happening I went and got her (she had a half day anyway). She said she can't take how the girls are treating her anymore. She has one "friend" in gym that when she tried to talk to her she completely ignored her. So when lunch came she tried to talk to someone she thought was her best friend. She said she asked her to go to the bathroom because she really needed someone to talk to and she told her "no...I don't want to go with you". DD went to the bathroom crying.

To top it off her "friend" text her several times already asking if she was mad a her. The thing is they like my dd and everyone says she is so sweet and a great friend, yet they treat her like crap and when she gets upset about it they can't stand for her to be mad at them. So they apologize and she accepts it. So far she has ignored her and we had a good talk. I told her to let the girl know she hurt her feelings and then she needs to be done with them. A friend should never make you feel bad about yourself. We also made an appointment with her guidance councilor at school for next week.

I wanted to address why I didn't confront the parent at the game as someone asked. When dd was friends with her dd her and I were also friends. She has taught her dd the it is ok to treat people with disrespect. The grandmother lives with them and they were always telling her she was fat and lazy and to shut up. My dd always told me they did that and I never believed them until I witnessed it for myself. So in my opinion confronting a person like that is not going to do any good. They already don't have any morals and the only thing it would have accomplished was making myself feel better for telling her off and given her dd more reason to treat my dd like crap.

Also that was the one and only time we saw that pediatrician. She needed a physical for cheer and he was the only one that could do it in time.

Some have suggested she find something else to do instead of cheer. I can't take that away from her as that is the one things she has that makes her feel good about herself. So in fact it is good for her to cheer. We have done the All Star cheer, it is very expensive and it just isn't in the budget anymore.

 

[Stitchfans]

I am in tears reading the stories added. I wish all the girls going though this could get together. Hugs to all the girls going though this!

My dd called me from school today crying and begging me to come home. Without knowing what was happening I went and got her (she had a half day anyway). She said she can't take how the girls are treating her anymore. She has one "friend" in gym that when she tried to talk to her she completely ignored her. So when lunch came she tried to talk to someone she thought was her best friend. She said she asked her to go to the bathroom because she really needed someone to talk to and she told her "no...I don't want to go with you". DD went to the bathroom crying.

Unbelievable. One day last week DD asked me to pick her up later then normal so she could join the theatre club. It was the first meeting. Wouldn't you know it bully and two of DD's so called friends were standing right outside of the door of the theatre. DD thought she was meeting up with one of the friends, but she was there with bully. She called me crying to come take her home.

She said that she has ended up crying in the girls bathroom during lunch time and not one person cared or asked her what was wrong. Even after one person was deliberately mean to her, by making fun of her. She also has a "friend" in gym who when she "feels like it" will talk to her.

She just joined the photography club and thank goodness it went well. She met up with one girl who exchanged numbers with her and they are texting each other right now. Sure hope something comes from this. If not this maybe someone in the art club which she will be joining.

As far as the bullying, yes her school has zero tolerance also. I am leaving that up to her counselor to take of. He said he was going to call her into his office to discuss it, and other things.

 

[lilcrystal1]

Hi. I am 20 years olds and I although I dont have any daughters, I have gone through some of the things that some of your daughters have gone through. When I was younger (age 9-13) I was soooo shy. It was extremely hard for me to make friends with a lot of the girls in my classes because a lot of them were mean. I remember how this girl would always try to be my friend one moment and then the next moment she would try to bully me and I could not stand that. I tried my best to stay away from people like because they aren't "friends". I don't think anybody should be putting in any effort to be friends with somebody who is rude and disrespectful towards them. I was a very quiet child in middle school cause I did not want to interact with most of those kids.

I think that if your child is not getting along with her friends then she should try making friends with a different crowd. Perhaps by making friends with other outsiders. I did that and it truly did help with my confidence. When I entered High School I was still a little shy but I eventually grew out of it. Now I have no problem getting along with others and I have a lot of cool friends.

I think that your daughter shouldn't be friends with girls whom aren't treating her with the respect she deserves. I'm sure that theres a friend for her at her school, she just has to look for that friend and there isnt anything wrong with being friends with the other outsiders cause they are sometimes the nicest people you'll ever meet.

 

[Sarah_Rose]

Hi Everyone!

I'm reading all of your posts, and they're absolutely breaking my heart. I don't have kids yet, but have great respect for how tough and how emotionally exhausting parenting can be sometimes.

I wanted to recommend that you look into Girls on the Run, if there is a chapter in your area - it is a non-profit organization that runs programs for girls in grades 3-5 (Girls on the Run) and grades 6-8 (Girls on Track). The programs are activity-based, and end with a 5K "graduation", but non-competitive and follow a curriculum designed to promote teamwork, and encourage emotional and social development. Girls don't have to "like to run" to join; activity is what is most important, and girls are welcome to walk (or skip or hop) with a group of friends if they choose. Program cost is done on a sliding scale by income, and the coaches are all volunteers - very few are elite runners, and most are just young women who have been through a tough adolescence and know what it feels like to be that age. I'm currently a volunteer head coach with my local chapter and love seeing the transformation in my girls as they make friends and learn that they can do anything!

Similarly, I would recommend for a high school girl struggling with self esteem to consider volunteering as an assistant coach (especially if she needs "community service hours" for graduation, as many schools require now). Not only would she benefit from interacting with strong and positive women (most coaches are high school aged to early-20's, but there are also older women in most chapters), but she would also likely find that the curriculum "hits close to home". Assistant coaches only do as much as they are comfortable with; for some, this includes teaching and leading some activities, while others just want to hop around the field with the girls!

Anyway, I hope this helps someone and isn't considered off-topic. It's a good non-profit program for girls who are having self esteem issues or problems making and keeping friends.

 

[luvdzne]

Sarah...so not off topic!!! Thank you for sharing this. There is a chapter right here in our city. I am going to look into it for both my girls.

Thank you again!

 

[Goofycampers]

I haven't read the other posts so if I repeat what someone else has said I apologize. I have 2 teens and both are somewhat shy especially my 14yr old son. My DD17 went thru something similar and the only advice I can give is just support your DD as much as you can and be willing to listen. Sometimes as hard as it is they have to navigate the tough times themselves. There is a hugh difference between a 15yr old and a 16 yr old in terms on maturity and I can assure you this WILL get better. Unless of course she seems depressed- not caring about appearance, sleeping, not eating, etc. But if she is involved in cheering, school, etc. , just keep encouraging her. Best of luck.

 

[imabrat]

I would suggest counseling or something similar to build up her self-esteem and confidence, and activites outside of school. As teenage girl, I can tell you we are a very, very cruel lot. Thankfully, I've never been through any issues like that because I have learned to be a strong individual and not let anyone walk over me. I am kind, but I have very little tolerance for bullying. All that I can say is that your daughter should have some kind of counseling to help build her confidence and self-esteem. She is too good to let anyone walk all over her.

 

[KitKat_Tink]

I would suggest clubs.

I was pretty much the same way a few years ago. I was a cheerleader and I just didn't fit with the rest of the girls. I'm what people consider a good girl. I was painfully shy and it was just terrible. I joined drama club at school and I can't believe how much that helped. I made some amazing friends through it and it really helps me open up. If she's interested in something, there is probably a club for it at her school.