parents to 2 or more - "fairness"

[vettechick99]

As most of you know I have a DD2. Yesterday I picked up my niece who is 6 and is staying with us for a few days. So I am getting my first experience with 2 kids. Interesting.

Now the DN6 is very sweet but finds everything unfair like DD2 getting a different meal. DD had lunchmeat and crackers while DN had chicken nuggets - a fav mom tells me. Or later, it was unfair that she got goldfish (which mom packed for her) and DD2 got a 100 calorie pack of baked cheetos which is all I had. They ended up switching as they each preferred what the other had, but all yesterday and today it's been "why does she get that?" etc.

I am certainly not favoring my own - DD2 is younger and eats differently but also don't feel it's necessary to make so many perfect matches. Is it too much that we teach our kids at a young age that life isn't fair, you don't always get what you want, and sometimes you drink grape when another gets cherry?

Am I living in Lala-Land?

 

[luvsJack]

Well, all those lessons are great but sometimes its just not worth the struggle. At this child's age fair means equal. When my boys were very young it was just easier to make sure they always had the same thing. It didn't last forever as they got to the age of having very different tastes and wanting very different things.

 

[cepmom]

no you're not in lala land! My motto is "life's not always fair" My niece is like that too...if we're shopping at Target and I buy my kids a pack of underwear, she thinks I have to buy her one too, since "it wouldn't be fair" if I didn't I just tell her that's the way it is and we move on, but it's annoying!

 

[suejai]

Mine are still like that and they are 14 and 17. Of course isn't about what the other one is getting anymore but rather "How come I have to pick up after the dogs.... I did the dishes yesterday....How come he doesn't have to do _______? etc Will it never end?!?

 

[Green Tea]

My mantra is "equal doesn't mean everyone gets the same thing, it means everyone gets what they need."

 

[Pomlover2586]

In my job [work with K-5th] we teach the Kindergartners a sing song to remind them about "fairness"

"You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit!"

It's easy for them to remember and eventually they sing it to one another when one is throwing a fit

might work.......might not......but can't hurt

 

[turkeymama]

My mantra is "equal doesn't mean everyone gets the same thing, it means everyone gets what they need."

Yep, this is the same approach we use also. Yesterday, a friend and I took 9 kids to the movies. 8 of them got buttered popcorn (cheapest option since we got the huge tub and divided it into small cups), and 1 got Skittles (my DD, she has a dairy allergy and can't have the popcorn). 1 of the others complained that it wasn't fair that my DD got Skittles. I told her DD probably thought it wasn't fair that they got buttered popcorn that she couldn't have. It was a very easy way to demonstrate fair doesn't always mean equal.

 

[luvsJack]

With the preschoolers in our center we had we just always gave them the same thing, same as I did at home with my two sons. Or if we couldn't, like if we were having Popsicles and had all different colors, all of the kids got a choice. I can understand why you wouldn't do these things with a child with an allergy, but short of that why not just make things a bit easier on everyone?

Lessons are great and wonderful and all; I just don't see the need in making everything a life lesson.

This is not meaning teens fighting over chores--that was solved at my house with a chart and if the whining started I just pointed to the fridge where it was hanging.

 

[All American]

Yep, this is the same approach we use also. Yesterday, a friend and I took 9 kids to the movies. 8 of them got buttered popcorn (cheapest option since we got the huge tub and divided it into small cups), and 1 got Skittles (my DD, she has a dairy allergy and can't have the popcorn). 1 of the others complained that it wasn't fair that my DD got Skittles. I told her DD probably thought it wasn't fair that they got buttered popcorn that she couldn't have. It was a very easy way to demonstrate fair doesn't always mean equal.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

I do try to make everything equal in larger group things....for example, at a playdate at my house last week, I had 15 kids at my house. For snack everyone got the same thing...cup of goldfish and a pack of raisins... no substitutions....Just easier.... But when it comes to my own kids, they recognize that what may be a treat for one, may not be to the other. MY oldest thinks popcorn is the BIGGEST treat in the world... my other DD LOVES candy !!

 

[ZachnElli]

I have a wide age spread between my kids 14 DS, 10 DD and 4 years old DS. Needless to say, they don't get anything equal, it's just impossible. I think they do have to learn at a young age life isn't always fair because what's appropriate for an older sibling isn't for a younger one. Different bedtimes is a perfect example. I grew up with it and I'm sure I complained, being the younger sibling, but being older has privileges. My kids really don't complain. I mean my 14 year old can down 2 loaded cheeseburgers and my 10 year old daughter only eats half, nothing to complain about with food for them!

 

[JoiseyMom]

If I had a nickel for every time I tell DS8 that life isn't fair!! He is constantly why does DD13 get to go to bed later, why does she have a cell phone, why does she have sleep overs..why why why. It is at least once a day...probably more .

 

[mickeyboat]

My DDs are less than a year apart and are in the same grade in school. We do our best to make everything equal. It makes life a lot easier for all of us. If we have one of something, chances are good we have two. That does not mean they do not understand that life isn't always fair. They have lots of other opportunities to learn that.

 

[threecrazykids]

"How come I have to pick up after the dogs.... I did the dishes yesterday....How come he doesn't have to do _______? etc Will it never end?!?

Oh my gosh this sounds like my house! I've resorted to smiling and keeping the straightest face I can and saying "the reason I don't make him/her do it is because he's my favorite".

And they EACH get told the other siblings are the favorite equally...

 

[dismom2]

As most of you know I have a DD2. Yesterday I picked up my niece who is 6 who is staying with us for a few days. So I am getting my first experience with 2 kids. Interesting.

Now the DN6 is very sweet but finds everything unfair from DD2 getting a different meal (DD had lunchmeat and crackers while DN had chicken nuggets - a fav mom tells me). Later on, it was unfair that she got goldfish (which mom packed for her) and DD2 got a 100 calorie pack of backed cheetos which is all I had. They ended up switching as they each preferred what the other had, but all yesterday and today it's been "why does she get that?" etc.

I am certainly not favoring my own - DD2 is younger and eats differently but also don't feel it's necessary to make so many perfect matches. Is it too much that we teach our kids at a young age that life isn't fair, you don't always get what you want, and sometimes you drink grape when another gets cherry?

Am I living in Lala-Land?

I must be in the same Lala-Land. It's fun, isn't it? Sometimes I would try really hard to make everything equal, just so I didn't have to hear any complaints. But, then you also get picky kids who all want something different. You can't win really.

 

[Nette]

Well, it doesn't sound like the OP is being "unfair" at all. One thing that is good about school/daycare is that not everyone gets the same food. They get over it and that's that. I wouldn't go out of my way to make things different for kids, but if that is how it works out (ie goldfish and cheetos) then that's just life and it's a fine time to try and explain that "life aint fair!" (which is totally my motto)

When I was a "kid" I fought with my two younger brothers over who got to ride shotgun. That is, until my mother decided that the rule was "oldest gets to pick first". Which rocked for me, but not so much for either of them. Hey, they still get $$ support from mom, guess who doesn't. And guess who got to own a mustang? Not me. Life isn't fair and that's that.

 

[Inigo]

I always answered, when I heard "that's not fair," with "A fair is a place to show pigs. Get over it." I'd then explain fair does not mean exactly the same.

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[vettechick99]

Interesting thoughts! We all seem to be about on the same page - that we want to pitch our kids out the door half the time.

I teach 1st grade so I am used to this incessant whining. In fact, my co-teacher and I taught our kids the "You get what you get and don't pitch a fit" saying at the beginning of the year and guess how many were still complaining about stuff at the end? I guess when you have 20 egocentric kids in a room, you do what you can!

turkeymama, I like what you said about the skittles and popcorn. Bet that kid shut right up!

 

[turkeymama]

Interesting thoughts! We all seem to be about on the same page - that we want to pitch our kids out the door half the time.

I teach 1st grade so I am used to this incessant whining. In fact, my co-teacher and I taught our kids the "You get what you get and don't pitch a fit" saying at the beginning of the year and guess how many were still complaining about stuff at the end? I guess when you have 20 egocentric kids in a room, you do what you can!

turkeymama, I like what you said about the skittles and popcorn. Bet that kid shut right up!

She did and she felt really bad about it afterwards (which wasn't my goal, then I felt bad). Of all the kids we had with us, she knew better. But that is a long story for a whole different thread. Let's just say, I'm not in any hurry for her to go back to the movies with us.