Parents of teenaged girls - help!

[Dimplenose]

I just need a vent really.

My DD(15) has always found it hard to make friends - I don't know if we're to blame as we're both painfully shy. DS(18) has some very good friends, not lots but they're nice kids. But DD is an able student but is fairly immature in a lot of ways and certainly isn't one of the "in crowd" and has fallen out with every friend she has made since the age of... well with every friend she's made really.

Well yesterday things came to a head with DD. She has a "friend" who is always asking to sleepover and all but one time has cancelled at the last moment. Yesterday was meant to be a sleepover night - DD had planned what they'd watch on TV and what they'd cook themselves for tea (I must admit I didn't make too many preparations as this girl has backed out so many times before.)

At 11:30am the girls dad phoned to check that things were still OK with us so DD got all excited (changed outfit twice!!) but by 3pm the friend still hadn't turned up. It turns out she texted DD to say she had to go somewhere else.

We eventually managed to contact the dad who still thought his daughter was with us. DD thinks the friend might have been meeting someone she'd met on the internet.

We haven't heard anything else so are assuming everything is OK.

So I'm sitting here feeling really mad that my DD has been used like this.
Worried that her friend (only just turned 15) might have done something dangerous. And worried that DD is going to have a s*** day at school tomorrow both from having no-one to hang around with and from staff who just don't understand her. (She's already been in big trouble over how she wears her uniform - I'm sure she only rebels to try and impress this so-called friend.)

I know I can't change her (I remember discussing the same issues with her class teacher in year 1) but how can I help her have a happier time?

Thanks for listening.

 

[wideeyes]

She isn't a social misfit, be positive towards her and make her feel like a great person. I struggled with not fitting in and it is horrible feeling like your less of a person. I'm am sure she is a more interesting person than the in crowd so make sure she knows that.

 

[natalielongstaff]

She isn't a social misfit, be positive towards her and make her feel like a great person. I struggled with not fitting in and it is horrible feeling like your less of a person. I'm am sure she is a more interesting person than the in crowd so make sure she knows that.

I agree with Claire your dd isnt the one in the wrong here, she sounds like a nice girl and her friends are just taking advantage of her

 

[Dimplenose]

I've just retitled this - but she doesn't fit in. She hated dancing, Brownies and Guides and had no friends at any of them. She helps with DH with cubs and me occassionally with Brownies but that's more in a leadership role - but then again she doesn't mix with the other leaders.

There's nothing wrong with being a loner - but she's not choosing to be a loner.

I'm still sore that on her 8th birthday sleepover the other girls shut her out of her own bedroom!

Her birthday is in December but if I start planning anything in September I never know who will still be her friend by December (I started having treats for 1 or 2 friends from the age of 9 because not enough children would come to her parties.)

It just makes me so sad.

 

[wideeyes]

School is so hard when you don't fit in, I hope it gets easier for her as she grows up, she may not have met the right people yet and is one of those people who blossom once they have left school.

The most important thing is that she is happy with her self, if she isn't I would maybe look at some therapy, not to change her just to help her be happy & confident with who she is as that goes a long way to helping make friends.

 

[catherine]

School is so hard when you don't fit in, I hope it gets easier for her as she grows up, she may not have met the right people yet and is one of those people who blossom once they have left school.

The most important thing is that she is happy with her self, if she isn't I would maybe look at some therapy, not to change her just to help her be happy & confident with who she is as that goes a long way to helping make friends.

I was just going to post something similar.

I was just wondering how your DD feels about all of this.

 

[wideeyes]

Okay I am now thinking the therapy may make her think there is something wrong with her when there isn't, though it can help her learn to deal with people & situations without changing who she is. I really feel for you both with this especially as I can relate to your DD and it must be horrible for you not being able to help her

 

[mandymouse]

Big hugs to you and your DD Libby. I think being a teenage girl is one of the most difficult times for young girls. We've had allsorts of worries with our girls over the years, from stress to bullying and thank goodness we've been able to work through them

Is she happy in herself ? I know one of my DD's changed for the best when we had her moved from her class a couple of years ago. At first she hated changing (but we weren't prepared to send her back to a classful of bullying girls) and although she was against it at first, within days she had made new friends and she was settled well into her GCSE years

Although her 'friend' doesn't sound like much of a friend to me, I really hope she's OK and didn't go to meet someone from the internet

At the end of the day we can't change our kids ways, but we can try if they're unhappy, and if she's happy, then I just hope she makes some new friends soon

 

[joolz1910]

I'm a mum of 3 girls and I've worked with teenage girls for 16 years, and damn it I was one myself more than 20 years ago...but I still don't understand them.

I'm sorry your DD hasn't found her BFF yet. (I know all the terminology don't I) Like others have said, sometimes it takes years to find people you can really get along with.

This 'friend' sounds like trouble! The Dad is probably too busy dealing with a family crisis to fill you in, so I wouldn't worry about them too much. It is awful to see our children disappointed or, worst still, hurt.

Even children who are 'reluctant loners' find someone in the end. The whole picture is probably not nearly as bad as your imagination/anxiety makes you think. I've never met a child who went through secondary school without any friends - although allegiances change every term for some!

Sending you

 

[Dimplenose]

Thanks for all your suggestions. I think the thing that hurts most is that I was very like her in a lot of ways except I'd always get on in a group (but a bit like an outsider without having a "best friend").

She has always been the same so I don't think therapy would help. I'm a little worried that DS is off to university next Sunday and he is really good with her, calming her down, making her see sense and generally being there for her.

Thanks everyone for listening.

 

[wishspirit]

Reading this seems to be like a page out of my own life. I was a loner a lot at school, my friends changed a lot, had a lot of friends who didn't treat me like a friend and would often cancel on me at the last minute. This has left me with lasting damage in the sense I am always paranoid about friends leaving me. I am now at University, and finding people who are a lot more like me, yet there is always that niggling doubt.

However the thing that helped me was finding friends outside of school. The people in school are just people shoved together because they are the same age, not because they have anything in common. I found volunteering as my forte. I joined a local youth volunteering project (it's called Leo Clubs, they are an off shoot of Lions International, but other agencies like the Rotary Club also have youth projects, or you could try asking at your local volunteer service). There I met people who were like minded in being nice, helpful, friendly people. I also met a lot of older people who I could look up to and model myself on. I also volunteered at a playscheme for children with special needs, which introduced me to a whole new lot of people, and who I still work for now.

Try and let your DD think of something she would like to do, I know you are heavy involved in Brownies/Guides, but maybe that isn't her thing (it wasn't for me). Get her to pick something she would like to try that is local, be it singing, acting, skateboarding, cycling proficiency, volunteering, anything she might like to give a go. This will raise her confidence and meet new people. School may still be tough, but it may give her the confidence to start a fresh.

I hope this essay helps!