Parents of only children - any regrets

[kimmar067]

....I have read some of the posts on this thread and I'm puzzled - mebbe it's ME, but I haven't read anywhere where someone is judging another DISer for their personal choices....the OP asked for opinions and people have provided them - I'm failing to read where some of the posters have been 'judgmental'....should I be reading 'between the lines'?? I think folks are just trying too hard into reading innuendos of other posters....

 

[Karibeth19]

....I have read some of the posts on this thread and I'm puzzled - mebbe it's ME, but I haven't read anywhere where someone is judging another DISer for their personal choices....the OP asked for opinions and people have provided them - I'm failing to read where some of the posters have been 'judgmental'....should I be reading 'between the lines'?? I think folks are just trying too hard into reading innuendos of other posters....

I don't think it has been any poster specifically judging another DISer for their choice, but it's the blanket statements some have made about only children that I have seen as judgemental. Particularly, statements that only children tend to be selfish and self-centered. As an only child myself, and the mother of an only child, I take offense to that statement, and find it a very unfair generalization. Perhaps some of the onlies a poster knew behaved that way, but I guarantee that poster doesn't know ALL only children! It would be like this...I have known several girls named "Ann" over my life, and all of them have been very unfriendly. So, should I tell someone not to name their DD "Ann" because she would certainly turn out to be unfriendly? Of course not! That sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? A name doesn't automatically determine someone's behavior, and neither does having (or not having) siblings. That, I think, is what has upset some of the onlies and parents of onlies on this thread.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don't think it has been any poster specifically judging another DISer for their choice, but it's the blanket statements some have made about only children that I have seen as judgemental. Particularly, statements that only children tend to be selfish and self-centered. As an only child myself, and the mother of an only child, I take offense to that statement, and find it a very unfair generalization. Perhaps some of the onlies a poster knew behaved that way, but I guarantee that poster doesn't know ALL only children! It would be like this...I have known several girls named "Ann" over my life, and all of them have been very unfriendly. So, should I tell someone not to name their DD "Ann" because she would certainly turn out to be unfriendly? Of course not! That sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? A name doesn't automatically determine someone's behavior, and neither does having (or not having) siblings. That, I think, is what has upset some of the onlies and parents of onlies on this thread.

A little OT but I had to respond to this. I would definetly tell my sister if she was picking a name that reminded me of people I could not stand. In fact there are names that we are both convinced guarantee you a headache. I know I am not the only person who does that.

Anyway- I don't think anyone has said that only kids are brats etc. I think that the OP asked for what people really think and people told her. If your experiences are one thing and mine are another it is going to color how we think. As a parent of more than one child I find it a bit offensive that those who have onlies don't think you can actually spend time with more than one child etc. I just think that is their experience though so I don't pay it any mind. YMMV.

 

[mom2aredhead]

As far as the comments. for me, it's the passive-aggressive comments that irk me the most

I would never do that to my child, but if that works for your family...

I want my child to have someone to share memories with, but every family is different...

I don't want my child to be lonely, but everyone makes their own choices...

It all comes down to parenting choices, (or in some cases, medical issues) and I also think its rude to judge.
For example, I didn't breast feed...well I tried, but it didn't work and that's a whole other thread. There is probably a thread a day on the family board about breastfeeding. It would never occur to me to jump in and tell them that bottle feeding is better, or easier, or a better choice. Yet people find it perfectly acceptable to tell parents of only children that they've made a mistake, should consider having another, and that they won't regret it.
Why is that ok?

 

[Disney Doll]

One thing I will add on the "only"
I have an friend that is an Only child. She is in her 40's. Her parents are older and ill. She is the sole responsible party for her parents. She is exhausted.
Now I'm not saying have more children so they'll be someone to take care of you when you are older- I'm just trying to mention the problems that exist down the road sometimes. And I'll add that just because you have more than one doesn't mean that they'll all come together in a time of need.

As a nurse for many years, I have witnessed the other side of that...that being more than 1 child and they all have different opinions about what should be done for Mom or Dad when they are older. So...while the burden falls to you as an only, the good news is that yours is the only opinion that counts. You won't have a sibling running around telling everyone "I want to put in a feeding tube but Susie wants mother (who is 95 years old, demented, contracted and in a nursing home) to starve to death".

 

[Mouse House Mama]

As far as the comments. for me, it's the passive-aggressive comments that irk me the most

I would never do that to my child, but if that works for your family...

I want my child to have someone to share memories with, but every family is different...

I don't want my child to be lonely, but everyone makes their own choices...

It all comes down to parenting choices, (or in some cases, medical issues) and I also think its rude to judge.
For example, I didn't breast feed...well I tried, but it didn't work and that's a whole other thread. There is probably a thread a day on the family board about breastfeeding. It would never occur to me to jump in and tell them that bottle feeding is better, or easier, or a better choice. Yet people find it perfectly acceptable to tell parents of only children that they've made a mistake, should consider having another, and that they won't regret it.
Why is that ok?

What about the passive aggressive comments that go the other way?

"I can spend more time with my child."
"My child never has to share me with anyone."
"I am their best friend."

Sorry but I spend just as much time with my children as a parent of an only.
I don't think there is anything wrong with sharing.
I have a best friend.

I personally do think that each person has to make the choice as to what is right for them. That is why we made the choice (and were lucky and God blessed us and we are thankful every single day) to have a larger family.
People have their own reasons for their choices. People have these reasons based on their own life experiences.

 

[mom2aredhead]

What about the passive aggressive comments that go the other way?

"I can spend more time with my child."
"My child never has to share me with anyone."
"I am their best friend."

Sorry but I spend just as much time with my children as a parent of an only.
I don't think there is anything wrong with sharing.
I have a best friend.

I personally do think that each person has to make the choice as to what is right for them. That is why we made the choice (and were lucky and God blessed us and we are thankful every single day) to have a larger family.
People have their own reasons for their choices. People have these reasons based on their own life experiences.

OK, so then back to my question...
If someone is not the parent of an only child, why would they come on a thread titled "Parents of only children - any regrets?" and give an opinion or comment on the posts given by people in response?

 

[Karibeth19]

A little OT but I had to respond to this. I would definetly tell my sister if she was picking a name that reminded me of people I could not stand. In fact there are names that we are both convinced guarantee you a headache. I know I am not the only person who does that.

I understand what you're saying but I think you missed my point. We have all known people that we don't like, and when naming children, we probably avoided those names because of how they reminded us of those people. I remember my husband nixing several names I loved, just because he had worked with someone by that name. What I meant, however, is that the name itself is not a predictor of behavior or personality traits. Just because "Ann" was rude, selfish, or unpleasant, doesn't mean that another "Ann" will be the same way. Just like if one only child is selfish, self-centered, and lonely, it doesn't mean another only child will turn out the same way. You and your sister might have names you don't like because of personal experiences and that you think "guarantee a headache" , but I'm sure you wouldn't get on the DIS and tell a total stranger not to name their child that name, and that if they do, the child will grow up with undesirable personality traits. (A PP did say that she wouldn't have an only because most all the only children she knew were self-centered and thought the world revolved around them.)

I just hate the generalizations I've seen on this thread. All good families are wonderful, whether there is one child or ten. Yes, there are pros and cons, but we all have to follow our hearts and do what is best. We have our reasons for having the number of children we do, and different things work best for each family. Hopefully, though, we can express those reasons and share those experiences without degrading those who make different choices.

 

[justhat]

OK, so then back to my question...
If someone is not the parent of an only child, why would they come on a thread titled "Parents of only children - any regrets?" and give an opinion or comment on the posts given by people in response?

I have 2 kids and 1 on the way, but I am an only child, so that is why I read threads like this. I think it's obvious that I was not thrilled to be an only child, hence my decision to have 3 kids.

 

[mom2aredhead]

I have 2 kids and 1 on the way, but I am an only child, so that is why I read threads like this. I think it's obvious that I was not thrilled to be an only child, hence my decision to have 3 kids.

This is definitely one of those "grass is always greener" moments...

My experience as the oldest of 3 kids was a major deciding factor in our son not having any siblings.

 

[justhat]

This is definitely one of those "grass is always greener" moments...

My experience as the oldest of 3 kids was a major deciding factor in our son not having any siblings.

Well of course, I think that's what most people are trying to say, their own experience and why they chose what they chose (if in fact it was a choice, as clearly not every family size is determined by parental choice).

FWIW though, my husband is the 3rd of 4 kids and he always wanted at least 2 kids, never just 1. After our son was born he was quite satisfied with just the 2 cause he's such a handful , but was willing to go for the 3rd anyway.

A big motivator for me is that my father is dead, so now it's just me and my mom. I feel guilty about not visiting her enough, I have to spend every holiday with her (not that I don't want to, but I mean, she has no one else), I feel like there's a lot of pressure on me even though my mom has never knowingly placed any pressure or guilt on me. When she had breast cancer and underwent surgery for that, I was left to think about what my life would be like if she didn't beat the cancer and I was left without either parent at 22yo and no one to share the past with. My husband (then fiance) was there with me in the hospital waiting room during her surgery, so I had support from him, but had she not become a survivor I would have felt very alone.

And I have a huge, huge extended family, with many relatives I have been super close to since birth. Some of my cousins are my best friends. In fact, one of those best friend cousins lost her mom to brain cancer the same time my mom had breast cancer, so we grew even closer while we went through similar battles together. After her mom died (and her dad, though living, divorced the mom and took his kids to court to get money from them after the mother passed) as great as it was to talk to me, it was her brother who could relate to all the stories about their mom, not me. Sure, I was around a lot as a kid and knew her mom very well, but I didn't live there, I didn't have the same childhood experiences as her, but her brother did.

I know having a sibling is no guarantee that won't happen, in fact my mom has several brothers and none of them would be a huge emotional help, but they are all in contact with each other and talk about their childhoods often. They couldn't be more different or have less in common than they do, and likely none of them would be friends if not related, but they all have a pretty good bond and care a lot about each other.

I will say that regarding splitting time between kids, that was a factor for me in going from 2-3 kids. Right now with 2 we can each take a kid, or having 2 on your own isn't that tough, but I know with 3 it will be harder. I figured that overtime that would get easier and the benefits would outweigh the negatives. If nothing else, I figure that even if my son and daughter don't end up being close, there's a chance that at least 1 of them will be close with this new baby, upping the odds they'll have someone around after my husband and I are gone.

 

[Stacerita]

DD is an only and I don't regret it.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Off topic...but I would love to see a thread of adult only children. That would be interesting.

 

[Gabrielsbigtrip]

I was just reading the "how old is too old" to have a child thread and it got me thinking - I am 34 and I need to make a decision soon if I want another child. After 3 miscarriages (the most recent in the 2nd trimester last year) a big part of me just wants to pack it in. I just went back to work full-time after being a SAHM for over 2 years and I'm not sure I am ready to go back to being at home full-time again.

I feel so torn - I would love another baby, but I don't think I could emotionally handle another miscarriage.

If you only had one child, how did it turn out? Did you ever regret your decision? Did you find peace with your decision?

My DH is an only child and he is amazing man so that is comforting.

Thanks in advance to everyone who decides to share.

I only have one...Gabriel. I had a miscarriage with our first attempt and then got pregnant with him 6 months later. I was 32 when I had him. Luckily my work let me work from home and I did alot of juggling. I didn't want anyone else raising him (daycare).

My father had a stroke when my son was one. My mother pretty much was saved by my son....her little angel. The following year my son was diagnosed with Autism. My father passed away the following year.

We had other family drama but I guess my point is things were going on where having another child was just not in our sight.

Now that my son is 8 and I will be turning....uhhhh well do the math....I have multiple reasons for not having another child.

The main reasons - my age, no ability to work from home anymore, and the worry that the child would not be healthy.

We have a few friends that hurried and had that second child so that the first child would have a sibling. Those friends are now divorced.

It's something that everyone has to think through and there is no universal answer.

I have thought about adoption too but I don't know...I kind of like our little family

It's sad because I always wanted a big family just because I love kids. There is a huge gap (9 yrs) between me and my other 4 siblings. I was not close to any of them and kind of was an only child in a way. The same goes for my husband (9yrs) between him and his 4 3 siblings. So, I never reasoned that I should have another just to give him a sibling. It was more that I wanted more representation of our love for each other. Creating a new life is amazing and a miracle.

Life isn't the way I imagined but I wouldn't trade it for anything and we are the happiest little family ever.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

OK, so then back to my question...
If someone is not the parent of an only child, why would they come on a thread titled "Parents of only children - any regrets?" and give an opinion or comment on the posts given by people in response?

I was an only child for 7 years. I think that I could offer some insight on what it was like as a child from my perspective.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I understand what you're saying but I think you missed my point. We have all known people that we don't like, and when naming children, we probably avoided those names because of how they reminded us of those people. I remember my husband nixing several names I loved, just because he had worked with someone by that name. What I meant, however, is that the name itself is not a predictor of behavior or personality traits. Just because "Ann" was rude, selfish, or unpleasant, doesn't mean that another "Ann" will be the same way. Just like if one only child is selfish, self-centered, and lonely, it doesn't mean another only child will turn out the same way. You and your sister might have names you don't like because of personal experiences and that you think "guarantee a headache" , but I'm sure you wouldn't get on the DIS and tell a total stranger not to name their child that name, and that if they do, the child will grow up with undesirable personality traits. (A PP did say that she wouldn't have an only because most all the only children she knew were self-centered and thought the world revolved around them.)

I just hate the generalizations I've seen on this thread. All good families are wonderful, whether there is one child or ten. Yes, there are pros and cons, but we all have to follow our hearts and do what is best. We have our reasons for having the number of children we do, and different things work best for each family. Hopefully, though, we can express those reasons and share those experiences without degrading those who make different choices.

I get what you are saying. No I would not come on here and say don't name your kid so and so. However, regarding the poster you are talking about, in that person's defense, that was their life experience. They have not been around well adjusted onlies. I have. I have also been around screaming mimi large families as well as sweet and happy ones.So it does go both ways. I do agree that each family has to make the choice (or sometimes it is made for them) that best suits them. I don't judge people for their decisions. I do find it annoying though when parents of onlies judge those who are parents of more than one.

 

[DisMomme]

I was an only. I always swore I would never have just one. It was not bad. I was spoiled (mom had 5 miscarriages). I was also rarely alone. I always had friends over and took them on vacations with us. Sometimes when Mom was busy and no one was around to play with it was lonely. I had an imaginary friend I used to play board games with. DH was youngest of 3 and his older brother (middle child) always had a chip on his shoulder and always took it out on DH. DH swore he would never have 3.

When DS was 13 months old we found out I was pregnant again (I was actually 4 months along already, my boys are 18 months apart). I suddenly had panic attacks thinking I should have only had one. Think of all we could give one, mostly our time. I used to cry thinking about dividing my time between 2 kids. Even after promising myself I would never have an only.

Sometimes I think nature knows best. They are 2 of the best well adjusted kids I know. They are each others best friends but also each have their own circle of friends. I know we could have done more with just one and I wonder how we'll pay for college but I'm glad we have 2 and they have each other.