Parents of middle school boys

[bethy]

I told my daughter I would ask for insight on this. I am a girls and I have three girls and so boys are a bit of a mystery to us. My DD is a seventh grader and has been friends with a boy her age for a couple of years. They used to chat and joke around a lot and she always really enjoyed their easy friendship and camaraderie.

Now, they have been at different schools for over a year and she only sees him occasionally - maybe a couple of times a month at events or in our neighborhood But when she does he will barely say hi to her when she greets him. She is so sad!

She can't think of anything she's done to offend her friend. Is this a case of two kids just growing apart? Does it have to do with the fact they are different genders even though it didn't matter before?

Just wondering if anyone who has raised boys could offer up some insight. DD knows she can't force the friendship - and she will move on - she just feels sad.

 

[gemini2727]

I told my daughter I would ask for insight on this. I am a girls and I have three girls and so boys are a bit of a mystery to us. My DD is a seventh grader and has been friends with a boy her age for a couple of years. They used to chat and joke around a lot and she always really enjoyed their easy friendship and camaraderie.

Now, they have been at different schools for over a year and she only sees him occasionally - maybe a couple of times a month at events or in our neighborhood But when she does he will barely say hi to her when she greets him. She is so sad!

She can't think of anything she's done to offend her friend. Is this a case of two kids just growing apart? Does it have to do with the fact they are different genders even though it didn't matter before?

Just wondering if anyone who has raised boys could offer up some insight. DD knows she can't force the friendship - and she will move on - she just feels sad.

I'm thinking it might be a little of each. Since they don't see each other day to day, the ease of the friendship isn't really there anymore, and the gender difference may matter more now that they are a little bit older?

 

[Lynne G]

I think he is just growing up, and I found that girls that were friends with my DS were becoming just, yeah, hi, and move on once they became middle school age. They seem to have different interests and boys do not always value the old friends they left. Tell her, move on and try to make some new friends here. Ah, the tween to teen years. I have a DD now in 8th grade. She has some boy and girl friends she still has, but many have fallen or she has fallen off the radar of others she was friends with. She is so different than my DS now 17.

 

[bethy]

Thank you very much everyone. This makes sense to me. A hallmark of middleschool friendships is that they change a lot as kids explore their individuality. I was prepared for that with girls but am surprised it's the same way for boys. I guess I always bought in to the stereotype that guys were less complicated

This is a good life lesson for her I'm sure.

 

[WantToGoNow]

I think its probably the age. It seems boys that age are either "interested" in girls as girlfriends or not at all. My ds13 is in 8th grade and he's still in the not interested camp (as far as I know anyway). I don't believe he has had a girl as a friend for a couple of years.

 

[bethy]

I think its probably the age. It seems boys that age are either "interested" in girls as girlfriends or not at all. My ds13 is in 8th grade and he's still in the not interested camp (as far as I know anyway). I don't believe he has had a girl as a friend for a couple of years.

Thank you this helps. Maybe this is a window of time when a kid can't be "just friends" with some one of the opposite sex. This particular friend is definitely interested in girls as girlfriends as apparently he's "dated" girls at his school.

Ah well for one reason or another it's pretty clear the he no longer wants to be friends with my DD. He'll say hi and then look away immediately

I'm sure this will not be her first heartbreak over a boy. Luckily she does have some good girl friends to hang with

 

[NinaBella]

Boys and girls this age ARE still friends at this age. My boys are 22, 20, and 12. My daughter is 11. Perhaps this boy just doesn't know what to talk to her about. Is your DD on Instagram, is he? If they were friends on social media it still gives them a connection and perhaps things to talk about.

The entire "dating" in middle school is silly. My daughter has been asked out by several boys and she replies she is not allowed to date. Two boys she doesn't even have classes with or know asked her out. She told them she doesn't even know them. Now they have friended her on social media and make a point to text and talk to her. One of the two has turned out to be a bit of a wierdo/perv/trouble maker so know that she "knows" that about him she is glad she said no.

A boy she did have a crush on at the beginning of the year has dated several of her friends and now has a crush on her. Their friends are telling them to date. My daughter has decided that he is going to be just another one of her "bestie's" because that will last longer. She is a smart girl and says dating in middle school is dumb. This boy does come with the girls to the mall to hang out.

My son is not into hanging out at the mall, but he still is close friends with a girl who lives four houses down. It goes in spurts where he hangs out with her almost every weekend, then several weekends or months might pass and they won't hang out, then they hang out again.

Kids are just kids. I think in middle school they become more aware of the opposite sex and perhaps he just doesn't know what to say anymore. Maybe your daughter can initiate the conversation if she knows what he is interested in. Is he on a sports team? She can as him how his team is doing? If they do not have any common activities or interest I can see that he just doesn't have anything to say to her.

 

[BigAlsGal]

I have a middle school boy and what I've noticed when it comes to his friends (boy or girl) is he's just indifferent with some. He has say 2 friends he considers good friends. He's always been super close to my niece and still is. When he's with those friends he's quite animated.

He does have some friends though that he doesn't NOT like them. He just doesn't put much effort into them. I'm not sure why. When I ask him if they're still friends he says yes but that doesn't seem like that much of a friendship. Sometimes they come over and he barely says two words to them. I really don't get it.

My son isn't the kind of kid that's very empathetic. Honestly sometimes I wonder if he's on the spectrum. If he hurts someone's feeling he just kind of shrugs his shoulders and moves on. In the same respect I don't think he gets his feelings hurt too often. There are a number of things that could contribute to this boys indifference. Tell her not to take it too hard. People come and go in our lives for a reason.

 

[Missy29]

My ds has been friend with a girl who lived down the street from his grandmas house since they were about 5, she moved last year but moved into our school district so started to go to my ds school. She was talking to him on the playground and I guess some boys starting calling her his girlfriend and he didn't like that so he wouldn't talk to her in school.

Now this was last year in elementary school, he is now in middle school and a year older than this girl so she is in 5th grade. They live close to us so every once in awhile he will go over her house but he tells me not to tell his friends, so for my ds I think he is just embarrassed.

 

[SEA333]

I told my daughter I would ask for insight on this. I am a girls and I have three girls and so boys are a bit of a mystery to us. My DD is a seventh grader and has been friends with a boy her age for a couple of years. They used to chat and joke around a lot and she always really enjoyed their easy friendship and camaraderie.

Now, they have been at different schools for over a year and she only sees him occasionally - maybe a couple of times a month at events or in our neighborhood But when she does he will barely say hi to her when she greets him. She is so sad!

She can't think of anything she's done to offend her friend. Is this a case of two kids just growing apart? Does it have to do with the fact they are different genders even though it didn't matter before?

Just wondering if anyone who has raised boys could offer up some insight. DD knows she can't force the friendship - and she will move on - she just feels sad.

My boy is 14 and a HS Freshman, so we just went through the tween years. He was definitely interested in girls, but unless they were the friendly, goofy , nice ones, he was incredibly intimidated if he came into contact with one!

Case in point, for about 18 months (6th and 7th grade), he would literally not walk out our front door because "Sophia" lived across the street and might see him! He was mortified at the thought of actually having to cut the grass if he thought she was home and they would walk home from school on opposite sides of the street pretending they had no idea either of the other was there.

He started to outgrow this around the middle of 7th grade. 8th grade he started to finally care about what he looked like (and if his teeth were brushed! LOL), and he had his first "real" girlfriend this year.

Your DD's friend is probably is starting to "like" her, but thinks that it is so obvious to everyone if he actually TALKS to her LOL and he is embarrassed about it, that he thinks that the less communication, the better. LOL Tell her to keep talking to him whenever she sees him...he will probably surprise her one day and talk back again! Tell her to ask him about things that he is interested in...my son used to love when girls would ask him about his football games. it totally got him into his comfort zone and more talkative.

ETA: This got me reminiscing about those years LOL...I remember DS telling me once that he liked this girl but kept freezing up whenever she came close and all he could do was say hi or smile, and that he tried to get away as fast as he could before he said something "embarrassing". I told him to find out something about the girl - does she play basketball? Does she take dance or gymnastics? Cheerleading? DS has a 10 year old sister who does all of this, so he has an idea of what it is all about....I told him to find something she likes and ask her about it. Kids usually like talking about themselves, so it is a good conversation starter.

 

[MandiC]

My sons aren't that old yet but we do have several friends with middle-high school age sons. My perspective, she's thinking about it like a girl Girls overthink things. IMO it is just two kids that have grown apart, I'm sure he's not offended and doesn't have any hard feelings towards her.

 

[bigbabyblues]

My son is 13/8th grade, and he doesn't seem to know what to think about girls right now. I work at the school now (K-12 in one building, small school), and it seems like the boys that age are all over the place. Some of them are interested in girls, some of them aren't there yet, and a few are like ds. It doesn't help that his class has 9 boys and 2 girls. He has always been friends with the girl who lives next door to us, but if he spends time with her, he gets annoyed and irritated easily with her. If she asks him to go outside and shoot basketball or whatever, he will usually go but doesn't stay too long. He comes back and says she acts like a girl.

Tell her she hasn't done anything wrong, and he will grow up--eventually.

 

[Skywalker]

It could be they have grown apart. It could be he just feels awkward talking to her now since they don't see each other as much. It could be he has started to like her and is kind of shy because of that. You mentioned he is dating - it could be he has had really possessive "girlfriends" and he thinks talking to another girl is going to get him in trouble (sometimes kids that age can forget there is such a thing as platonic!). Another possibililty has your daughter ever talked about "liking" him? I know my one son used to like to hang around a girl at school until the talk started coming back to him that she had a crush on him. He felt awkward and backed off because he didn't feel the same way.

Lots of possibilities but it is not your daughter's problem to figure it out! Hopefully he will realize what a good friend he has in your daughter and one day without the pressures of middle school they might reconnect.