Parents - Need your words of wisdom

[dizluvah]

Inspired by the great thread about "things you thought before you had kids"...DH and I are expecting our first (huge blessing - we were told we could not have children) and basically I am totally clueless. Yesterday I resorted to watching Supernanny to learn some discipline techniques - timeout can't be the only thing I will need to know...so please what is the best advice or tip you would give to soon to be parents - can be related to anything....discipline, keeping one's sanity - anything!

TIA

 

[Sgt Mickey]

One thing I loved that Super nanny does is the naughty chair. Oh yeah and the potty mouth stuff is you say it then you say it in the bathroom. Not that my kids would swear it was great with the pee poop talk all day long.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I thought of something else. I had a co worker once who told me she would leave the store if her son would trhow a fit. Grocery shopping what ever. They learned they now would be getting such and such now that mom has left the store with such and such in the grocery cart. My kids have learned if they throw a fit or cry for something they won't be getting that or what ever else they were supposed to have got.

 

[gator75]

go with the flow you never know if you ever will have to deal with time outs and the like i have a 13 year old whe we found out we were expecting i had all the same thought as you but as it turns out i have never very of ten had to get after him or raise my voice to him he is quite and reserved by nature, and here i was prepared for the worst and i didnt get it. he is a teen now and i was stii preparing myself for the terrible teens so far we havent experienced this i always tell people that weve had it to good for to long and that if he starts acting i wont know what to do like i said kids are like a box of choclates you never know what your gonna get one more thing to say. dont be your childs friend you are the parent they are the child keep it that way dont be a doormat either it could turn ugly reall;y fast and by the way congratulations

 

[dawn1620]

First off - CONGRATULATIONS!!

Don't worry so much about all that right now - you have 20 years of it after the baby comes.

Just enjoy time with your DH right now while it's still only the two of you. That family third installment will take up a lot of time and energy.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Depends on your kid really. Some kids are easy going and some are school of hard knocks. My oldest dd is school of hard knocks (almost 19 and a freshman in college) and my youngest dd is easy going (middle school 7th grader).

The biggest thing is being on the same page as your dh. Talking privately about what your strategy is and then following thru. This applies with care and discipline. Working together makes things so much easier.

Congrats on your new little one to be.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Depends on your kid really. Some kids are easy going and some are school of hard knocks. My oldest dd is school of hard knocks (almost 19 and a freshman in college) and my youngest dd is easy going (middle school 7th grader).

The biggest thing is being on the same page as your dh. Talking privately about what your strategy is and then following thru. This applies with care and discipline. Working together makes things so much easier.

Congrats on your new little one to be.

This cannot be stressed enough. The "united front" must be kept in order for any discipline/punishment to stick.

One thing that has worked for us, is to use a "look." I know it sounds funny and cliche, but when you are out in public, DD knows if she gets the "look" that she's out of line. This prevents having to raise voices/create a scene in public places. I've read somewhere that this is a technique that is taught to parents of children with behavior issues. DD has been pretty good, so I wouldn't know, but the "look" has certainly worked for us!

 

[jodifla]

Congrats!


I suggest getting some parenting books and see which styles appeal to you. It's good to read a few, because different kids do best with different styles.

I like "Love and Logic." And they have a book for really young kids as well.

 

[Shmily1]

Congratulations on your new little one!! Below are things I've learned from having DS20 and DD19.

Girls are more difficult than boys later in life. Boys are wild when little, then calm down. Girls start off calm... then explode about the time of puberty.

Understand now that the last thing you did that made sense was give birth to them. Since that time, you are totally stupid and don't have any idea what you are talking about. This will last until they are out of high school.

Start early on with them thinking you can hear everything they say and do even when they are way on the other end of the house. This is helpful especially when they are smarting back.

Have a look... you know... if you touch that, you're going to get it look. Start it early on so when you are in public, you can look at them and they will know without you having to say a word.

Give limited options. Say do you want McDonalds or Burger King, not pick anywhere. Too many choices cause some children issues. DS was like that, but DD wasn't. There's less chance of them getting into trouble too.

Clean up later. When they are awake, spend all your time with them. They grow up quick and your house will still be there for you to clean when they are sleeping and/or older. DS and DD remember that I didn't put them off to play with them and hold them. That's important to them now. DS put in the newspaper when he graduated high school a thank you to me for always being there and sitting at the football games in the rain with him.

Be open. Let them talk to you about everything. It will be important later.

Hope this helps!!

 

[Pixiedust34]

Be consistant. Follow through with what you say you will do.

Teach them when they are young to take care of their own things. If they are big enough to take toys out of the toybox, they are big enough to put toys into the toybox. As they get older, give them some responsibilites around the house.

Natural consequences (leaving a store/restaurant/etc. if there is a tantrum, taking away a toy if it's been thrown, etc.) are good to use. Routines (bedtimes, etc.) are good to have.

Most of all, shower your child with love. Being a parent will change your heart and soul. There is nothing like it! Congratulations!

 

[iwrbnd]

Congratulations!

The thing I wish I had done better was letting my children fail so they could learn the consequences. I hovered and rescued too much which just enable my children and did them no favors! Now, if they forget their homework or lunch money or water bottle to a game or whatever I say "I'm so sorry you forgot that!" It may sound mean but when they learn to be self-sufficient and trust themselves it actually builds their self-esteem better than always needing mom!

 

[acename]

This cannot be stressed enough. The "united front" must be kept in order for any discipline/punishment to stick.

One thing that has worked for us, is to use a "look." I know it sounds funny and cliche, but when you are out in public, DD knows if she gets the "look" that she's out of line. This prevents having to raise voices/create a scene in public places. I've read somewhere that this is a technique that is taught to parents of children with behavior issues. DD has been pretty good, so I wouldn't know, but the "look" has certainly worked for us!

I agree. My daughter is 2 and already knows what the look means. She also understands the "tone" when I say her name like she's about to be in trouble. At home as soon as she gets the look she says, "I don't want to go to my bed!" (she has to sit on her bed for timeout)

I'm anxious to see how things go with my son. My daughter is pretty well behaved, but I was too as a child. My husband on the other hand, not so much. I've heard horror stories. I'm afraid my son may not be so easy. We may have to pay for my husband's raising.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh yea and work out IL's and the holiday's & birthday's celebrations beforehand. With some families it is a real issue and snowballs into a BIG DEAL.

Not sure how your family handles the IL issues now but if you have any it becomes bigger when there is a grandchild in the world. Which follows my logic of being on the same page as your DH.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

Congrats, mama. Basically, whatever you swore you'd do before you had the baby, 50% of that will change once you've had him/her. Everything you thought you had to have-- half of that is going to collect dust, meanwhile that thing you had to run out and buy at 9:30 at Walmart because your little one won't stop crying, is going to be the best thing you've ever spent money on.

Babies are born with a personality. I know that sounds really funny-- but they are. Who they are at birth is who they are. It's actually pretty cool.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad about your choices. Whether you breastfeed, formula feed or supplement with formula, start solids a little early, a little late, cloth diaper or use disposables-- you're doing what's right for you, your baby, and your family. It's no one else's business. You're going to encounter a LOT of other moms with very strong opinions on this, and they are giong to let you know. Some moms will berate you and try to make you feel like a monster. Don't let them.

 

[MrsPete]

Be consistant. That's the #1 thing. Kids need to live in a world that's predictable and understandable. If turning the garbage can over = punishment today, it should = punishment tomorrow. If today it brings punishment and tomorrow it's just ignored, that's confusing to the child.

I agree with the person who said, "Give limited choices". Choices are empowering, but small children can't deal with too many options. Giving them the choice of two things (both of which are acceptable to you) allows them to feel that they are capable of making good decisions.

And I'll add this to it: Don't present something as a choice when it really isn't. (Moms are the worst about this.) For example, don't say, "Are you ready for your nap now?" No kid is ready for a nap! Instead, say, "It's time for your nap. Do you want teddy bear or lambie to nap with you?" (Note that no real choice was involved there, but it gives the child a small bit of control over his world.

I also agree with the concept of allowing them to fail. Natural consequences. Do not protect a child from age-appropriate natural consequences. They need experience with disappointment in small things so they can later deal with adult life. Let him get a zero for not doing his project in 3rd grade . . . so that by the time he's in high school he'll have learned that planning his time matters. Over-coddling does no one any favors.

Talk and sing to the child from the very first day. Read to him or her from an early age. With a small child, it's better not to actually READ so much as share the little cardboard board books together: "I see a bunny. Can you point to him? Which color is red? Yes! That IS red. What does this duck say?" When the not-yet verbal child begins to point to the right answers and begins to help you "read", you'll know you've been successful.

Be very clear with your expectations. Do not assume that a small child knows how you want him to behave, even if you've been in that situation many times before: "We are going to have our dinner in a restaurant. You are going to sit in a nice high chair and eat a good dinner. You will use your quiet voice. Do you want to bring your crayons or your cars?" When the child does well, praise him: "I was so proud of how well you behaved at dinner. I'm so glad I can take my big boy out to nice places! It's so much fun for me and Daddy." When my kids misbehaved in public places, it was almost always on a day when I'd been in a hurry and hadn't made my expectations clear.

On that same topic, don't push a child beyond his age-ability. Don't expect that a one-year old will enjoy a long drive to an outlet mall and then hours in a stroller while you shop. Instead, make plans to do that marathon shopping while he's home with Daddy, or drive somewhere close-by and plan a nice long lunch at a McDonald's with a playground.

And enjoy your baby! Congrats!

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Always follow through. Never make a threat unless you intend to go through with it. Even if you've always followed through, the one time you don't actually leave after saying you will, that's the time they will remember and it will take a long, long time for them to re-learn that you mean what you say.

I like natural consequences, too. If they are being mean to other kids on the playground, they have to go home. If they throw their food, they're done with the meal. (don't worry about them starving, it's not that long till the next meal and if they're really hungry, they'll remember not to throw food again! )

For some actions where there aren't really natural consequences, find what works for your child. My older dd's favorite thing in the world when she was little was her bedtime stories, and the threat of no stories that night worked like a charm. My younger dd has never enjoyed reading or being read to, so that would have never worked for her, but not being allowed to play with friends is a fate worse than death.

Oh, and one of my favorite for the newborn stage. "Babies cry. Don't let it get to you." It's easy to get stressed when they are crying practically non-stop, and those nightly wake-up calls seem like they will never end, but they will. Just go with the flow, love and cherish your baby.

 

[harleyquinn]

Never take another parent's advice as gospel.

There are a ton of parenting styles and you'll find some parents are VERY passionate about their style, but I think most of us are a mix.

So with that said, I would suggest:
Take this time to read some books about being a parent. Forget the labor stuff and focus on what you'll be doing once the baby is here.
I liked Dr. Sears Baby Book, though it's ginormous. I got it at a used book store for $1 so I could refer back if I needed to. It was especially helpful for breastfeeding and sleep.

There is so much to learn about that first year or two that has nothing (or very little) to do with disipline. SO don't freak yourself out watching supernanny, when it's possible you'll be blessed with a easy going kid. You'll have time to worry about that later...I hope.

And you probably should read a baby sleep book or two. I suggest reading both ends of the spectrum, so Pantly's No Cry Sleep Solution and Ferber's Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems. That way you are prepared for whichever road you choose to take and will hopefully be blessed with a wonderful sleeper. Over the last 8 months, sleep has definitely been our toughest hurdle.

Best of luck and join the Moms to Be thread!! They are awesome!