Parents-do you explain to kids why you say no to something

[MushyMushy]

How else is a kid going to learn to reason through a decision if an adult doesn't explain it?

Also, it's kind of disrespectful to expect a kid to accept a "no" just because it comes from an adult. Unless the kid is obviously being whiny or annoying ("But whhhhhhyyyyy" after you've already explained) I think a kid is entitled to a simple explanation in most cases. Not an hour-long PowerPoint, but a simple "That's not in the budget right now" or "I'm tired and would prefer to relax instead of hosting guests tonight".

I agree -- I'm not going to get into every thought process that went into my decision making. Especially with my oldest. I swear he should have been an attorney because he could wear you down with the logic and questioning. I feel that if I've given the true reason then that's enough, they get no more.

If they ask why, then yes, I will tell them why. I don't get into lengthy discussions about it but I do respect that they have the right to know why. If they ask to go to Dairy Queen and I say no, they don't usually ask why. If they ask to have a sleepover and I say no they usually ask why and I will tell them "you have to get up early for Church" or "we are going to Grandma and Grandpa's in the morning" or "you are tired and crabby now, you don't need a sleepover" and that is about it.

I had a friend when the kids were little that would 'reason' with her kids over EVERYTHING . It got to the point that I couldn't go over to their house any more because I didn't want to listed to a 1/2 hour discussion on why you can't have a bowl of ice cream 10 minutes before dinner.

I had a friend like that too. I would give my kids the answer and they'd go on their way while my friend was still reasoning with hers.

 

[wilma-bride]

If I have a particular reason for saying 'no' to something then I will give that reason, e.g.

'Can I have an ice-cream'
'No'
'Why'
'Because we are eating dinner in half an hour'

However, if I am saying no because I can't be bothered or am tired etc. then they get the 'Because I said so' or, if they persist in asking why 'Don't question my authority' Usually this is when I've said no to playing a game or taking the youngest to the park etc.

I usually find that if I am able to give a valid reason, for the most part, the kids will give up bugging me about it. More often than not, the 'beacuse I said so' option promotes more whining than when an explanation is provided.

 

[kristilew]

My rule on most things that have to do with activity or friend requests is "if you need an answer right away, then it's no." I hate to be put on the spot like OP is talking about with DD's friend - can she come over, stay for dinner, etc. So the underlying reason is "I don't like to be rushed or pressured into making a decision without time to consider all aspects of it," and that is the lesson I want my DD to learn in her own decision making as she grows up.

She's learned to give me lead time if there's something that is important to her, and to have pros and cons already considered. When I've reached a decision, I usually discuss my thinking with her.

On simpler decisions, we already have a structure in place: you can have one sweet a day, your choice when and where. If it's outside the house, the money for it comes from your own wallet. So "can I have a slurpee" never has to be asked.

 

[Nancyg56]

How else is a kid going to learn to reason through a decision if an adult doesn't explain it?

Also, it's kind of disrespectful to expect a kid to accept a "no" just because it comes from an adult. Unless the kid is obviously being whiny or annoying ("But whhhhhhyyyyy" after you've already explained) I think a kid is entitled to a simple explanation in most cases. Not an hour-long PowerPoint, but a simple "That's not in the budget right now" or "I'm tired and would prefer to relax instead of hosting guests tonight".

I think that there are times when a simple "no" should suffice. Also I think that if a parent assigns a task there are times when an explanation shoud not need to accompany that taks before the child follows through.

I know that kids need to understand why they must or must not do certain things but honestly, if you dealt with the young adults I was stuck with for five years! I was a QA analyst for a large call center. We took work from outside companies and were assigned with certain tasks we needed to complete. This was how we generated our paycheck from the companies....why we were hired. I cannot tell you how tired I got of trying to justify why we asked the agent to aske the question, complete the sheet, etc. There are times when one needs to accept that while there is a reason you are not always entitled to know the entire process behind it. "Because I asked you to." should suffice.

If a child is taught that he must always know the reason why there will be a very difficult learning curve when he enters the work force.

 

[Bunnyfeather]

Ok, of your boss says no and you say may I ask why and the boss says because we can't or they don't want to do it that certain way ,are you then going to keep on about it because you didn't like the answer or because you didn't get your way?
Or imagine that a person is pouty and acts less then stellar when told no and the boss says no we won't be doing that not enough funds-that should be enough explanation-but pouty demands more, is that going to go over well in the adult work sector? I don't think so. I also have a boss that at a meeting said we could ask questions and someone spoke up and asked a question, it wasn't bad or disrespectful, but boss was not happy and fired him on the spot.

If I tell the friend she can't spend the night because dd is having another girl over who they don't get along, and i tell her it is such and such and such and such and dd haven't seen in each other in awhile and dd needs time with other friends, wouldn't you agree that should be enough explanation?

There is a huge difference between saying adults shouldn't have to give explanations to kids or kids shouldn't expect them and saying kids shouldn't whine and complain and second-guess their parents. Same with bosses. I absolutely can and will request an explanation for anything I don't understand at work. But if I just don't like a decision, whining and complaining and second-guessing my boss is probably a bad plan. Same for my kids.

Now, as for "should be enough" explanation, it depends. If there is not time or place available to discuss at the moment, I might well tell my child "we can talk more later, but your choices for now are child A spend the night and you start acting nice or no kids spend the night and we go home if you can't control your behavior." But in the right time and place, the right amount of explanation is as much or as little as my child wants and needs. We may spend 10 minutes discussing some trivial offhand question and only seconds on much more complex stuff. It serves little purpose to refuse her answers when she has questions or to push a drawn-out talk when she is not ready to listen.

 

[taximomfor4]

My rule on most things that have to do with activity or friend requests is "if you need an answer right away, then it's no." I hate to be put on the spot like OP is talking about with DD's friend - can she come over, stay for dinner, etc. So the underlying reason is "I don't like to be rushed or pressured into making a decision without time to consider all aspects of it," and that is the lesson I want my DD to learn in her own decision making as she grows up.

She's learned to give me lead time if there's something that is important to her, and to have pros and cons already considered. When I've reached a decision, I usually discuss my thinking with her.

On simpler decisions, we already have a structure in place: you can have one sweet a day, your choice when and where. If it's outside the house, the money for it comes from your own wallet. So "can I have a slurpee" never has to be asked.

I am like this as well. Some things are an obvious NO, and some things I just might jump at saying NO but don't have a good reason. So for friend-related things (can so-and-so sleep over) I say let me think about it, ask again in an hour. Honestly, that also worked when oldest dd was invited to a bonfire. I knew I was going to say NO, but just saying ask me again on Thursday (it was Monday) got HER thinking. On Thursday, she said "You aren't going to let me go to the bonfire, are you?" I asked her why she thought I wouldn't let her, and she DID already know the problems I would have with it. She also had already accepted not going, and seemed just a touch disappointed but also a bit relieved.

 

[Bunnyfeather]

If a child is taught that he must always know the reason why there will be a very difficult learning curve when he enters the work force.

Absolutely. But if a child is taught to never question anything or look for an explanation to anything, that will play out very poorly in their adult lives in and out of work! The most fulfilling jobs and hobbies and friendships require critical thinking and the people most likely to be taken advantage of are those who do not question.

 

[Nancyg56]

Absolutely. But if a child is taught to never question anything or look for an explanation to anything, that will play out very poorly in their adult lives in and out of work! The most fulfilling jobs and hobbies and friendships require critical thinking and the people most likely to be taken advantage of are those who do not question.

Oh, I absolutely agree that parents need to teach their children how to think things through. I was just trying to point out that there are times when children need to accept that the reason is because the parent has determined that it is so. I raised three independant adults who excel at their jobs because they have learned critical thinking. I very seldom expected any of them to follow blindly, I provided explanations why I came to the decision. I also taught them to participate in the decision making process. They also know that there are times when they are required to follow their employer's instructiuons because they are not always entitled to know the business plan that the direction stemmed from. I believe that teaching them that there were times I was not going to provide the explanation for my decision. Those times were rare but they did occur.

 

[EnchantedTales]

I haven't read the entire thread so forgive me if it's been said. I look at it from this point of view. If I ask my boss for a day of vacation and he says no and tells me that it's because he's the boss and he can say so. I personally would be angry. However, if he tells me it's because there is too much work, or because I'm behind on my work then he has a reason and I know why I have been denied. I learned that if I want a day off I need to be on top of my work to be able to take the day off.

The same can be said for children. When I have said no to my kids I give them a reason and often they understands and accept my decision. I constantly tell my kids to treat others the way they like to be treated and I do my most effort to walk the walk to make a point. If *I* would not like that sort of treatment, or answer, then I don't do it to others which include my children and family.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

This is one of my favorite parts of parenting.

I've always given explanations to my kids because I want them to be able to think critically for themselves. They often ask me to talk more about something if it's an interesting subject - we enjoy looking at things from all different angles. Sometimes I'll even ask them to explain it back to me to make sure they've got it. Hopefully it will serve them well when they're at an age that they have to make critical decisions themselves.

OTOH, if I'm sensing that there's an attempted manipulation in progress, then I end it. "You've got my answer already, and I'm not going to change it."

This is one of those subjects where everyone's probably a little different.

 

[Becky2005]

Can I do a flip on this question since everyone wants reasonings...what if your child tells you no, do you make them tell you why or do you just accept that maybe they just don't want to?

I'm not talking big things but using my DD as an example. I tend to ask her if she wants to go shopping with me. Sometimes her answer is no. I don't then turn around and expect her to tell me WHY she said no. I just figured no = no and she didn't feel like it for whatever reason.

I keep reading this and it sounds to me that just saying no is not acceptable to some and an explanation must always be given.

The workplace examples that have been given -- what if your boss knows something is coming down the line, say a huge project, lay-offs, new DVC plans, a surprise of some sort happening that day -- you name it but they are not at liberty to disclose any of it. If you ask something that is going to be in conflict with it do the bosses need to explain it to you and lose their jobs? Usually when a boss says no to something I assume they might be privy to information I'm unaware of. Let's say it's Thursday, you are caught up with your work and things are dead -- you ask to go home and the boss says no because they know a contract meeting is going on that may or may not be signed. If the deal gets sealed, work is going to have to kick into high gear for things instantly. If the deal does NOT go through, then nothing changes. For whatever reason, they can't tell you about the possibility of the deal due to some disclosure rules.

I suppose the answer to "why" would be "we need you here" which sounds to me begs another "why? my work is done!" question.

 

[Aisling]

I've always explained why I say no to my kids, that's just the way I am. It has worked out well. My kids are older now and they have no problem not getting explanations from other authority figures, they just know they'll always get an explanation from me. I feel by explaining, it has helped them make proper decisions in life.

One thing, though. When they were small and I said no and explained, I didn't take any backtalk from them trying to explain back to me why I shouldn't say no.

 

[EnchantedTales]

Can I do a flip on this question since everyone wants reasonings...what if your child tells you no, do you make them tell you why or do you just accept that maybe they just don't want to?

Yes, at least I want a why. Just the other day I asked my daughter why she had not volunteer for an activity in school that I thought she wanted too. Initially she said she didn't but when I insisted on a why, the real reason came out. The assigned teacher of the activity tends to be a little harsh in the way she treats the students. My DD decided she didn't want to be around her when she's usually so abrasive towards students. Instead she decided to give another teacher a chance and sign up for her activity instead.

 

[pearlieq]

Can I do a flip on this question since everyone wants reasonings...what if your child tells you no, do you make them tell you why or do you just accept that maybe they just don't want to?

I'm not talking big things but using my DD as an example. I tend to ask her if she wants to go shopping with me. Sometimes her answer is no. I don't then turn around and expect her to tell me WHY she said no. I just figured no = no and she didn't feel like it for whatever reason.

There's a difference between personal preferences and permission/information.

I wouldn't expect her to explain why she doesn't want to go shopping since it's no skin off my back whether she does or not.

Likewise, if she asks whether I want a sandwich and I say "no", no explanation needed. I'm not denying her anything and the answer doesn't really affect her.

 

[stashbin]

I always said I would never do what my parents did to me...which was "Because I said so!" But alas...I am human and I have done this several times to my child.

I do TRY to give reasons when warranted, but sometimes I am too tired to explain. So that's when I resort to being like my mother.

 

[bluesaturn]

Ok, of your boss says no and you say may I ask why and the boss says because we can't or they don't want to do it that certain way ,are you then going to keep on about it because you didn't like the answer or because you didn't get your way?
Or imagine that a person is pouty and acts less then stellar when told no and the boss says no we won't be doing that not enough funds-that should be enough explanation-but pouty demands more, is that going to go over well in the adult work sector? I don't think so. I also have a boss that at a meeting said we could ask questions and someone spoke up and asked a question, it wasn't bad or disrespectful, but boss was not happy and fired him on the spot.

If I tell the friend she can't spend the night because dd is having another girl over who they don't get along, and i tell her it is such and such and such and such and dd haven't seen in each other in awhile and dd needs time with other friends, wouldn't you agree that should be enough explanation?

You are confusing explanations with arguments. A parent can provide a concise explanation without getting into an elaborate back and forth argument.

 

[tasha99]

Yes, I almost always explain if I think an explanation is needed or if one is asked for. I am not a fan of "because I said so" because I think it implies that the child who is wondering why isn't worthy of an answer. I will give the reason (we can't afford it, you already spent your allowance, I don't have time for that today, you already promised to go to the symphony with grandma and that was a commitment--whatever it is) but I won't get into a big debate about it.

 

[SandrA9810]

i did read all the pages. And in the case of the OP, i do not feel she needs to give a reason why. Children should be able to respect another adults wishes. And not go to their own parent to find out the reason why.
In the case of friend asking: can i sleep over?
daughter says: let me ask my mom.
-: can friend sleep over?
Mom: no
friend to mom: why???
The mom should not have to give a reason.

Whatever you do in your household should be able to explain to children, but not others. Unless you feel that child is close enough to the family to understand. Maybe the daughter wets the bed, and uses my mom said no to get out of being embarrased. How many times as a kid/teen did you use the excuse because my mom said no to get ouit of doing something. Even if there was no reason for mom to say no. Some times as a kid gets older, they should be able to reason themselves why without asking it.

 

[Liberty Belle]

*Thinking*....yeah, I pretty much do explain the majority of the time. I think it's kind of common courtesy. That said, I have said no and given the old "because I said so," but that's usually when I'm busy, stressed, or tired. I do try to explain usually.

 

[Tiger926]

Absolutely. But if a child is taught to never question anything or look for an explanation to anything, that will play out very poorly in their adult lives in and out of work! The most fulfilling jobs and hobbies and friendships require critical thinking and the people most likely to be taken advantage of are those who do not question.

ITA! I teach at-risk kids who mostly have horrible parents, and besides beatings, they were constantly told, "No!" without any direction, guidance or explanation.

I'm not sure why parents think that just because you are explaining a reason, it means that you are not in charge or that it indicates an argument will ensue? One is not determinate on the other. We always explain the reasons and feel it's important, as sometimes the kids got confused by something that should have been plain and simple. It gives us the chance to make sure they understand the situation, but at the same time, they know that most of the time, our answer is final. Every so often, they discover that we were wrong, and we then re-negotiate a new solution. Many times, we also let them give us the reasons and this provides great teachable moments. And I can honestly say, that with an almost 7 and 3 year old, I have never once said, "Because I said so!"

Discipline means guidance and education, so telling kids no without any explanation just teaches them to not think for themselves. No teaching here...As a highschool teacher, kids struggle greatly with making connections and critical thinking. By providing reasons, allowing for discussions, negotiating if appropriate, and working out solutions, you will teach your children life long lessons.

Tiger