Parents and speaker phones

[nw6675]

So...in the past year my 75 year old mother has started routinely putting her phone on speaker so my Dad can listen in. Does it to me (non local) and my sis (local).

We never are 100% sure if we are on it or if he is listening. I know we could just ask or say take me off speaker if we need a more private conversation, but then it feels weird if we are obviously excluding him.

It is just weird that this started and we can never have a private conversation. And she doesn't like it if we get a chance to privately talk to Dad which is usually only if she's in the shower.

Tonight she wanted to know EVERYTHING about a female related surgery I'm having, the gory details, recovery, etc. I said, "Mom, I would prefer not to discuss on speaker!".

It is just weird to me and my sister and yes, I know I can just have the conversation to politely ask not to/let me know.. I just needed to vent because there have been so many odd changes lately and this just adds to it.

Thanks for listening! And FWIW, we would LOVE to get to chat with my Dad more!

 

[tvguy]

Well, I'm only 10 years younger than your mom, and I can tell you my wife and I find it easier to do speaker calls.......in reality they are video chats. Just never been an issue.
I never had an issue with my mom since she lived alone, but for her, she needed to use the handset to hear. Actually, when it came to her siblings, she MUCH preferred a letter to a phone call. Her siblings preferred to call.
No advice, we just all have our preferences.

 

[kdonnel]

Old people can’t hear.

My in laws only use the speaker phone. They would use a speaker phone on public transit. They would use a speaker phone in a library.

 

[mamamary]

My mother only uses speakerphone. The worst is when we’re visiting her and she’s on with someone and wants us to join in the conversation.

 

[kymom99]

My uncle who is in a nursing home uses speaker phone. He was on with his daughter who lives in another state when we stopped to visit. It was nice that we were able to say hello to her and hear her voice but then he kind of forgot she was on there and started having a conversation with us. She finally said well dad, I’m going to hang up now. He said oh I forgot you were on here.

 

[AppleDumpling]

So...in the past year my 75 year old mother has started routinely putting her phone on speaker so my Dad can listen in. Does it to me (non local) and my sis (local).

We never are 100% sure if we are on it or if he is listening. I know we could just ask or say take me off speaker if we need a more private conversation, but then it feels weird if we are obviously excluding him.

It is just weird that this started and we can never have a private conversation. And she doesn't like it if we get a chance to privately talk to Dad which is usually only if she's in the shower.

Tonight she wanted to know EVERYTHING about a female related surgery I'm having, the gory details, recovery, etc. I said, "Mom, I would prefer not to discuss on speaker!".

It is just weird to me and my sister and yes, I know I can just have the conversation to politely ask not to/let me know.. I just needed to vent because there have been so many odd changes lately and this just adds to it.

Thanks for listening! And FWIW, we would LOVE to get to chat with my Dad more!

Agree with pp, it is likely she can hear better and finds it more convenient to use speaker. Does your Dad do any activities without your Mom, so you might be able to call her at a time when he is not home?

 

[nw6675]

Hearing is definitely not the issue in her case. She can hear a pin drop on the moon. That's a whole other story

We are starting to worry that it is a memory issue. That she wants Dad to hear because she can't remember what we talked about to share with him.

It is so hard to see them getting older. They are young 75 year olds and definitely not implying that is old age. Just still think of them as my 50 year old parents...forgetting I'm now them lol.

 

[nw6675]

Agree with pp, it is likely she can hear better and finds it more convenient to use speaker. Does your Dad do any activities without your Mom, so you might be able to call her at a time when he is not home?

They do EVERYTHING together except when she plays Shanghai rummy once a month. But then he's at Lowes. Lol!! I'm going to have to start purposely calling at shower time.

 

[georgina]

Well I am a 60 year old parent who uses speaker often, but only while at home. It is easier than holding the darn phone up to my ear as I am doing other things. Plus my youngest tends to call me while she is walking on busy San Francisco streets and it is often noisy with sirens and horns and people walking by playing music. It is easier to hear. I don’t discuss things with my kids that my DH couldn’t hear if he was around.

 

[TippyThomas]

I'm usually listening to a podcast through my bluetooth earbuds whenever I use my phone. I find it much easier to hear that way with mine. I have never used the actual speaker itself but the earbuds are pretty darn convenient and I have no trouble hearing the other end of the conversation with them when a call takes place.

 

[auntfrannie]

Why don't you just tell her there's too much background noise and you can't hear her very well on speakerphone.

 

[kdonnel]

I'm usually listening to a podcast through my bluetooth earbuds whenever I use my phone.

My in laws each have Bluetooth capable hearing aids that are paired to their phones.

I don’t know why earbuds and hearing aids are different but I can clearly hear what they are hearing when they are watching a video or on a call.

 

[_19disnA]

Elderly relatives may lose their ability to 'filter' and not realize that some topics they want to discuss aren't appropriate. I agree with someone who said you can tell the person you prefer they NOT use the speakerphone since it tends to jumble/amplify all of the various background noised together. Poor quality speaker phones tend to have terrible sound quality and make listening a challege no matter who is on the phone. When using a speaker phone you should always let the person know who else is there who can hear what you are discussing.

Regardless of being on the phone or talking in person, no one has to discuss topics that makes them uncomfortable. Either tell the person you rather not discuss it or change the subject to something else.

 

[lovesmurfs]

My dad just turned 81, and my mom is almost 79. Dad's been ill (cancer) and mom always puts me on speaker phone. He's getting a little paranoid that people are talking around him, rather than to him, and so mom puts him on most of the calls (I generally try to call 5-6 times a week) so that he knows what's going on.

 

[GoingSince1990]

After the opening pleasantries with your mom, a “Hi Dad! Are you there too? How are you doing?”
should nail down whether or not he is there and listening in.

 

[nw6675]

After the opening pleasantries with your mom, a “Hi Dad! Are you there too? How are you doing?”
should nail down whether or not he is there and listening in.

I like that! It won't help if we talk long, but he is hard of hearing so this may be moot. Although he pipes up when he doesn't like what is said lol

 

[mom2rtk]

Get her AirPods on the next gift giving occasion.

 

[georgina]

Perhaps. She may not want to use airpods. I don't.

 

[RogueX]

My stepmother does that but only because my father is so moody since he suffered a brain injury, on any given day he'll curse out his children and hang up if we try to call him. This way she gets to talk to us and he can hear if he's interested or zone out if not.

Occasionally he's actually shown interest or pipe up to converse about something random (usually Thundercats or Godzilla related).

It's sad, but he survived a fall that in actuality should have killed him, so I'm just happy to have even listening in the background.