Parenting

[disykat]

Just because misbehavior isn't malicious, or done with full intention, does not mean they are not responsible for it or that it can't rightly incur punishment. Losing your temper isn't a defense for an adult, and in my opinion 10 (let alone 13) is high time and past time for them to start bearing responsibility for it.

I don't disagree with you about being responsible for their behavior while tantruming. I never said otherwise. I was stating that I don't feel punishment is a "cure" for this type of tantruming. Of course they are responsible for their behavior during a tantrum!

For those of you that have not dealt with temperment issues (again, I'm not talking about throwing a fit because you're not getting your way) may not realize that storming in to give a kid in the middle of this kind a tantrum a spanking would escalate the behaivor, not stop it. You help the kid calm down, debrief, make a plan, and set up appropriate discipline to keep it from happening again.

I would say the same thing at any age. Diffuse the situation first. Get appropriate help. Don't assume you can fix temperment issues with a quick fix punishment.

 

[lw49033]

I don't disagree with you about being responsible for their behavior while tantruming. I never said otherwise. I was stating that I don't feel punishment is a "cure" for this type of tantruming. Of course they are responsible for their behavior during a tantrum!

For those of you that have not dealt with temperment issues (again, I'm not talking about throwing a fit because you're not getting your way) may not realize that storming in to give a kid in the middle of this kind a tantrum a spanking would escalate the behaivor, not stop it. You help the kid calm down, debrief, make a plan, and set up appropriate discipline to keep it from happening again.

I would say the same thing at any age. Diffuse the situation first. Get appropriate help. Don't assume you can fix temperment issues with a quick fix punishment.

OK. I agree with you that punishment isn't a quick fix. But I think it is a part, perhaps an essential part, of the whole process.

 

[disykat]

I do agree that a kid shouldn't be spanked in the middle of a tantrum, (unless it is absolutely the only way to control a kid who is endangering himself, etc.) A spanking only does good if the kid is thinking objectively enough to understand why he earned it. But it can be a consequence after they are calm enough to reflect on what they did.

And a spanking is only effective if, the next time they are about to do the behavior, they are objective enough to remember what those consequences were. Quick fix punishments won't work for this kind of issue IMO because during a tantrum they won't be rational enough to consider the consequences. You need to work on ways to de-escalate the behavior and deal with the issues to keep the tantrums from happening in the first place.

I think your response to my post was based on you thinking that I'm a parent who doesn't think my child ever does anything wrong and refuses to discipline him rather than realizing I'm a parent who has experience dealing with extreme temperment issues. I think it's hard for people who've never had the experience of dealing with a child who has this difficulty to "get" .

 

[lw49033]

And a spanking is only effective if, the next time they are about to do the bahavior, they are objective enough to remember what those consequences were. Quick fix punishments won't work for this kind of issue IMO because during a tantrum they won't be rational enough to consider the consequences. You need to work on ways to de-escalate the behavior and deal with the issues to keep the tantrums from happening in the first place.

I know what you are saying, but sometimes lack of a sufficient negative incentive IS one of the issues you speak of.

Ultimately--unless you are content to use drugs to control them--there is only one way they can get out of irrational behavior and that is by their own rational choice to change, when they are being rational. Irrationality isn't going to evolve into rationality of its own accord.

 

[SpecialK]

He's 10. This is ,effectively, the start of puberty. I would address the threat with him and let him know that that type of language is unacceptable. I would also completely ignore his next meltdown. Talk to him afterwards. IMO this is fairly common in 10 year old boys. He can learn self-control with your help.

Physical punishment would only serve to humiliate him and further frustrate him.

 

[lw49033]

There is a time and a place for everything, including "humiliation."

 

[SpecialK]

There is a time and a place for everything, including "humiliation."

I could not disagree with you more.

 

[lw49033]

I could not disagree with you more.

So do most parents, which is one of the main reasons the country's gone to hell in a bucket and we have a proliferation of new diseases that didn't exist 50 years ago-- ADHD, ODD, OCD, SOB, etc.

 

[disykat]

I know what you are saying, but sometimes lack of a sufficient negative incentive IS one of the issues you speak of.

.

For manipulative temper tantrums, yes. For temperment issues, no.

 

[CEDmom]

So do most parents, which is one of the main reasons the country's gone to hell in a bucket and we have a proliferation of new diseases that didn't exist 50 years ago-- ADHD, ODD, OCD, SOB, etc.

I have to jump back in here. Humilation, physical punishment, intimation have never been effective methods to deal with behavior issues. Yes, they're quick fixes but they don't solve the underlying problem - in fact they really just add to it. The OP's son has serious self control issues and he needs to be taught ways to cope. Some children catch onto to this quickly and easily at a young age. Others need continual guidance and ongoing ways to cope.

BTW, behavioral issues like ADHD, OCD etc. existed long before they were given names. 50 years ago such a child was just labeled "incorrigible". While I don't disagree that many children today are way over indulged and not taught to respect people that has nothing to do with the issue the OP is dealing with.