Parenting Rules and lack of - please help me understand

[rt2dz]

It's called different parenting philosophies. It's not someone else's values (rules) are "bad", or even yours are "better". You are raising a different child than they are.

Watching rated R movies or playing violent video games doesn't mean a child will be a thief or violent anymore than staying up later means that any particular kid will have bad grades.

We have rules in our house too. I don't ban my kids from rated R movies at any age. What I do is evaluate the movie first and decide on a case by case basis (kid-- I have 4 kids with different personalities--and movie) if I find it acceptable or not. Same with video games. I have 2 kids that have early bedtimes because they won't go to sleep, but NEED to. One that has no bedtime because he self regulates. And one that has a later bedtime. Some things my younger kids get to do at a much younger age simply because after the oldest (my guinea pig), I see the big picture more easily. Or maybe they do them at a later age. My "dumb" kid is in all AP classes and on the A honor roll. I have no clue on any given day if he has homework or a test. I don't need to know; he handles it all just fine. Two others have Mensa IQs and I'm constantly needing to ask one about homework and tests and check to make sure it's done (just ask). The other with a very high IQ requires me to actually sit there next to him to make sure he is doing it and doing it correctly. I know three do a great job of picking "good" friends and the fourth requires that I'm involved because otherwise he may pick kids that aren't the best to be friends with. Etc, etc, etc

Life isn't black and white, but shades of gray. It's best to make sure you don't wear your judge-y pants.

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[MinnieLovesMickey12]

My DS12 is allowed to play rated M games. I will let DD13 and DS12 watch an R rated movie as long as it is not rated R for nudity or sexual content.

And some ppl feel differently about that than I do. I don't mind if they see violence in movies just not sex. I don't think a young child should be exposed to watching adults have sex with each other. I have the parental controls on our DirecTv system set up to where they cannot watch anything that is listed with nudity or sexual content. On the cable channels like Cinemax that have basically soft core porn on weekend nights, they can't even see the title of the movie. It gets blocked out and says BLOCKED TITLE. They do have satellite boxes and TV's in their rooms and can watch anything they want since I have the adult stuff blocked. I let them watch MTV.

During the week my kids go to bed at 9:15 and on the weekend I let them stay up as long as they want to. They usually get sleepy and go to bed before 1 am.

Both my youngest kids are good kids and make good grades. They are only allowed to be on their computers with their bedroom door open or in the living room where I am at. No need to let them have that kind of freedom with the internet.

My kids go to the skating rink every Friday night for 4 hours and I drop them off and pick them up and do not stay the 4 hours with them. But nobody around here does. They have 4 adults that work inside the rink and very few parents stay. The ones that do the kids get embarrassed that their parents are there. That is the only socializing my kids do besides school because I do not let the kids have sleepovers at OTHEr ppls house. tHEY CAN AT MY HOUSE BUT i DO NOT LET MINE STAY ANYWHERE ELSE. I know of some really weird perverts that are dad's of some of my kid's school mates. And a few druggies and alcoholics. You never know what you are exposing your kids to unless you really know that family well. And even if you think you know them well you never really know what goes on when nobody else is around.

My kids said their friends do cuss at the skating rink if they are not in ear shot of an adult and I assume my kids probably do too but they do not cuss around me and never will. They have never even slipped out with a cuss word.

I had a friend who never would let her kids listen to rock music, never let them watch scary movies or rated R movies, made them go to church and her kids turned out to be thugs even after all her hard work trying to turn them into good boys. They both ended up in trouble with the law and going through court ordered boot camp before they were 16 yrs old.

My kids are taught how to be nice and treat others with respect. They are taught not to steal or commit crimes and they are warned about the many dangers in life. But we do not shelter them and we give them as much freedom as we are comfortable with. We try to drum it into their heads that we really expect them to go to college even if they don't want to unless they have a different life plan that will enable them to support themselves in a similar manner without a degree.

Everybody's parenting style and rules are different and you shouldn't compare your style to anybody else's because no two will be just the same. You just have to be vigilant and make sure your kids are not exposed to things you don't approve of. I would not actually ask another parent to honor my rules in their home. I would ask the other parent what their rules are regarding things and if they didn't jive for me I would just tell the kid sorry but NO you can't stay over there.

The only times I have let me kids stay over at someone else's house was in a group slumber party setting where I personally knew the family. Otherwise no sleepovers except at my house.

 

[SweetMissy]

I have a master's degree in teaching, taught elementary school for 4 years, and have studied child development extensively. I do not have children of my own, but have worked with children for many years. I believe parenting is the hardest job in the world. However, I also believe that if you have children, you have a responsibility to raise them to be productive members of society.

Parents have a right to raise their children according to their own values. However, if those values are contrary to acceptable societal norms (either more or less permissive than "average"), there will probably be negative consequences at some point during adolescence or adulthood.

Many parents today don't make rules because it is hard work to enforce limits. My own sister falls into this category. She has very few rules for her boys 10, 7, and 5, and she rarely enforces the rules she does have. She is a SAHM, and the boys are involved in lots of activities. However, when the kids are home, she chooses to spend her time on Pinterest or texting friends while her kids run the neighborhood unsupervised. Her kids complain "Mom is always on her phone texting." She constantly complains that their behavior is horrible and they are disrespectful, but she refuses to recognize that her parenting choices directly cause those problems.

My point is, raise your kids however you choose but please remember that your children are part of society now and will be adults someday very soon. So make your parenting decisions wisely.

 

[Jedana]

It's also important to remember that some kids tend to exaggerate when they really want something. "Why can't I play a rated M game? Joey's mom lets him." "Joey stays up until midnight, why can't I?" It may or may not be true. I wouldn't assume other kids are allowed to do things based on reports from kids who are in the heat of negotiation!

DS (10) pulled this about FB. A boy in his den has a FB page, and DS wants one to play the games on their (like Candy Crush). Our response is no. There is no need for discussion or reasoning--we are the parents and when we say no, that is enough.

We are fairly permissive, though, at least according to DiS standards. We allow him to stay up however late he wants on non-school nights. (During the week, it's 9pm, except Tuesdays which is 9:30 due to scouts.)

He plays some M rated games (Diablo 3, for example. DH and I have played all 3, and are ok with what DS sees in the game---GTA is not allowed, though, not even DH likes it). He has seen a couple of rated R movies, that were rated for language or violence.

For now, he follows our wishes on what he plays and sees at friends houses--he doesn't like scary movies and hides his face/gags when people kiss on tv, even on commercials.



I check with the parents of DS's friends (if I don't know their wishes already) on things like video games and movies. If they don't want the kid playing rated M games, they don't play them (or watch DS play them)...they can put on the Lego games instead. There is one family that doesn't want their kid playing video games at all---the boys will play with Legos or go outside instead. I'm ok with following other parents wishes with their kids.

We expect DS to follow the rules at the house he is at--if the parents don't watch superhero movies, then he can't do so there.

Oh, and our response when DS tries to pawn his actions off on someone or something else: "you are responsible for your behavior". Doesn't matter to us what you saw or what someone else did...you are responsible for your own actions and behavior.

 

[Mazel]

Two of my kids are grown adults and I raised them on my own. I got a ton of flack when my son played GTA when it first came out from another parent. She told me how it was going to ruin my son and I was a terrible parent because I worked full time and my kids came home to an empty house. Both my older kids were honor students and good kids.

Fast forward to today, my oldest is a nurse and owns her own home, she's 25. My son who she assured me would be in prison, serves in the Navy and has responsibilities I never dreamed of. Oh her son who she refused to let my son hang with, JUST got out of his court ordered rehab.

The jury is still out on my youngest, but if he messes up I have my husband to blame.

My point is I wouldn't judge other peoples parenting skills or what they allow their kids. It's a brief window into their lives. I may have been busy and stretched thin back then, but I kept lines of communication open. They may have come home to an empty house, but our telephone worked. I had a 45 minute commute, but thank goodness for cell phones.

 

[AndreaDM]

I honestly don't get the mindset that movies with nudity/sex are worse than violence. Sex is a natural thing, your child most likely will have sex someday. Hopefully your child will never steal a car and kill a 'ho. It just boggles my mind that the human body is such a "bad thing", but watching people kill each other is ok?

 

[mjkacmom]

I honestly don't get the mindset that movies with nudity/sex are worse than violence. Sex is a natural thing, your child most likely will have sex someday. Hopefully your child will never steal a car and kill a 'ho. It just boggles my mind that the human body is such a "bad thing", but watching people kill each other is ok?

Most of the sexual situations portrayed in movies and on television aren't accurate representations of sex between two people, especially R rated comedies. That said, I don't police what my teens watch at all (but I might not watch it with them, not that they'd want me to), and my younger kids HATE to see any type of sexual activity on TV.

 

[Poohforyou]

Op and others, how do you know so much about the inner workings of your kids' friends homes? I have no idea whether dd14's friends have bedtimes, play mature video games or watch R rated movies. Are you believing what your kid is telling you, ala "all my friends get to stay up as late as they want"?

I really don't care what others do and if my dd visits a friend and sees something she wouldn't be allowed to at home it isn't the end of the world. I guess with her being in high school my worries are reserved for things that could really harm her like drugs, alcohol and teen driving.

 

[kimj88]

Op and others, how do you know so much about the inner workings of your kids' friends homes? I have no idea whether dd14's friends have bedtimes, play mature video games or watch R rated movies. Are you believing what your kid is telling you, ala "all my friends get to stay up as late as they want"?

I really don't care what others do and if my dd visits a friend and sees something she wouldn't be allowed to at home it isn't the end of the world. I guess with her being in high school my worries are reserved for things that could really harm her like drugs, alcohol and teen driving.

DS is 9.....much different than 14.
I do hear things from my son that he says so and so is allowed this and that, but that method I really only believe maybe 30%. The other way is by talking to the other parents

 

[mom2t]

DS is 9. We have rules, for example, he has a bedtime. He is not allowed to watch R rated movies. He is not allowed to play M (Mature 17+) video games. He is not allowed to sit alone in a room on the internet and do as he pleases. Honestly, I don't think these are wierd or excessive rules for a 9 year old boy. However, many of his friends his age have NONE of these rules, even as guidelines. What is particularly causing me an issue is so many of his 9 year old, even 8 year old friends are allowed to play whatever video games, whatever ratings, however long and often they wish. These games have sex in them, barely dressed women, lots of violence, glorify crimes, etc. There is plenty of time to play these when he is several years older.
Please help me understand, are the parents just lazy, unaware of what the games entail, or am I too strict??

Mine is 11 and we have the same rules. He gets his T rated video game this year. It is Cabela's Big Hunt. He is an only child but sees the games when he visits his older cousins.

 

[Poohforyou]

DS is 9.....much different than 14.
I do hear things from my son that he says so and so is allowed this and that, but that method I really only believe maybe 30%. The other way is by talking to the other parents

Whether 9 or 14, I don't know why anyone would care the bedtime or gaming/movie habits of other people's children. If you're seeing inappropriate behavior in your child that stems from his friendship with another child I understand dealing with it. Other than that I don't get the superior tone. For the record, my 14 yo dd has a bedtime, doesn't play video games (has no interest) and has yet to see an R rated movie(has not asked). She has a great group of friends but I imagine there is a great diversity in how each kid is being raised. I personally think that's a good thing.

 

[GotLabradors]

It's a lot easier to not parent your kids than it is to parent them. I see a lot of parents who want to treat their kids like little adults. You're doing the right thing by establishing limits. Those other parents will reap what they sow.

 

[LilyWDW]

It's a lot easier to not parent your kids than it is to parent them. I see a lot of parents who want to treat their kids like little adults. You're doing the right thing by establishing limits. Those other parents will reap what they sow.

So, are you saying that allowing a child to watch an R rated movie or play a M rated video game is going to make them "bad"?

 

[disfan07]

I honestly don't get the mindset that movies with nudity/sex are worse than violence. Sex is a natural thing, your child most likely will have sex someday. Hopefully your child will never steal a car and kill a 'ho. It just boggles my mind that the human body is such a "bad thing", but watching people kill each other is ok?

My parents had the same thought as you. Y parents would rather me watch an R rated movie with sex/nudity than a PG-13 movie with violence. They think portrayals of violence are worse than the portrayals of nudity/sex. And I agree. I think movies with violence should be rated higher than movies with sex/nudity.

On the whole, I think we have made sex/nudity such a taboo subject in this country and I do believe that it has contributed to a lot of problems that occur in America. But that's just my opinion andi know a lot of people think the opposite of what my family does. And it's not wrong....for them....it's just not what makes sense to us.

My parents raised me with that philosophy as well as other fairly lenient rules and I was babysitting at 11, started working preschool camp at 13, just graduated college with 2 degrees (both with honors) and im currently applying to grad school programs. I always get compliments about how respectful and courteous I am and my employers and advisors have always stood me that it is very unusual to see someone with my maturity in this generation. But I did have to grow up a lot faster than others my age because I've been living in and out of hospitals for the past 10 years.....when you have to juggle hospital stays, school, Work, internships, and social life it definitely teaches you a thing or two about responsibility, maturity, and work ethic. With everything I have had to go through and am currently going through, I believe that my parents did something right because I've managed to stay strong through it and accomplish a lot while sick.

I know kids who have really strict rules at home and are disrespectful, immature and lazy. I know kids who have more lenient rules and are extremely respectful, mature, and successful. Lenient rules does not mean bad kids or lazy parents. And strict rules definitely does not mean respectful kids and good parents. Some of the most obnoxious, disrespectful, and selfish kids I grew up with had strict parents.

 

[GotLabradors]

It's a lot easier to not parent your kids than it is to parent them. I see a lot of parents who want to treat their kids like little adults. You're doing the right thing by establishing limits. Those other parents will reap what they sow.

So, are you saying that allowing a child to watch an R rated movie or play a M rated video game is going to make them "bad"?

I'll just file that under can't see the forest for the trees.

 

[kimj88]

Whether 9 or 14, I don't know why anyone would care the bedtime or gaming/movie habits of other people's children. If you're seeing inappropriate behavior in your child that stems from his friendship with another child I understand dealing with it. Other than that I don't get the superior tone. For the record, my 14 yo dd has a bedtime, doesn't play video games (has no interest) and has yet to see an R rated movie(has not asked). She has a great group of friends but I imagine there is a great diversity in how each kid is being raised. I personally think that's a good thing.

Perhaps you have misunderstood my concern. It is not a matter of me necessarily caring what other parents allow in a general sense, or any 'superior tone' to it. My concern has surfaced BECAUSE it has affected my child lately....meaning other parents permissiveness of my child's classmates and friends is bringing this issue up as a possible problem in our house now. It seems rampant and makes me question if I am being too strict when my son wonders why his rules are different, but I have to say in the long run I am still unconvinced that rules should be loosened very much at this age/point for now. As another poster said, they are only kids for so long and they grow up fast enough as it is

 

[foxxxy83]

So nice to see a thread like this! I always worry I'm the only one and I'm too strict. My 6 yr old DS wants to be like his classmates who are into wrestling and video games I would say are for much older youths. I censor everything same as I have since he was born. If he wants to see a movie, it has to be a U cert (anyone over the age of 4 can watch) and any movies with a higher cert, I watch first and decide if I would want him watching the content of it. I also only buy age appropriate video games for him (up to PEGI 7). He hates it because all his classmates tease him but I hope when he's a little bit older he'll understand and he'll look back on the magic of his youth not the fact he couldn't watch a certain film or play a certain game. Parenting ISN'T easy and kids DON'T come with a manual but THANK YOU for letting me know that I'm not the only one has rules with regards these things

 

[luvmy3]

Perhaps you have misunderstood my concern. It is not a matter of me necessarily caring what other parents allow in a general sense, or any 'superior tone' to it. My concern has surfaced BECAUSE it has affected my child lately....meaning other parents permissiveness of my child's classmates and friends is bringing this issue up as a possible problem in our house now. It seems rampant and makes me question if I am being too strict when my son wonders why his rules are different, but I have to say in the long run I am still unconvinced that rules should be loosened very much at this age/point for now. As another poster said, they are only kids for so long and they grow up fast enough as it is

No, those parents are not bringing this issue up as a possible problem in yur home. That is a ridiculous statement.
If you are questioning your own rules (because of what other parents allow) that is you making it an issue. Don't "blame" them. Stick to your rules in your house, they have nothing to do with what others allow in theirs. If you are worried about yours then you aren't confident in them, and again that is your issue not anyone elses.

 

[Poohforyou]

Perhaps you have misunderstood my concern. It is not a matter of me necessarily caring what other parents allow in a general sense, or any 'superior tone' to it. My concern has surfaced BECAUSE it has affected my child lately....meaning other parents permissiveness of my child's classmates and friends is bringing this issue up as a possible problem in our house now. It seems rampant and makes me question if I am being too strict when my son wonders why his rules are different, but I have to say in the long run I am still unconvinced that rules should be loosened very much at this age/point for now. As another poster said, they are only kids for so long and they grow up fast enough as it is

Is it that your child's behavior has changed because of things he's being exposed to at other kids' houses or is it that he's complaining that you aren't being fair because his friends are being allowed to do things he isn't?

If all you son is doing is saying you aren't fair and you're questioning your parenting, hold on because you're in for a bumpy ride over the next 9 years. If he is having behavior issues hat is something you need to address but it shouldn't be a "I'm a better parent than they are fight".

 

[SweetMissy]

It's a lot easier to not parent your kids than it is to parent them. I see a lot of parents who want to treat their kids like little adults. You're doing the right thing by establishing limits. Those other parents will reap what they sow.

Exactly!! Kids are kids! They should not being seeing violence and sex on tv or video games. There's an appropriate age for everything.