Parenting Rules and lack of - please help me understand

[kimj88]

DS is 9. We have rules, for example, he has a bedtime. He is not allowed to watch R rated movies. He is not allowed to play M (Mature 17+) video games. He is not allowed to sit alone in a room on the internet and do as he pleases. Honestly, I don't think these are wierd or excessive rules for a 9 year old boy. However, many of his friends his age have NONE of these rules, even as guidelines. What is particularly causing me an issue is so many of his 9 year old, even 8 year old friends are allowed to play whatever video games, whatever ratings, however long and often they wish. These games have sex in them, barely dressed women, lots of violence, glorify crimes, etc. There is plenty of time to play these when he is several years older.
Please help me understand, are the parents just lazy, unaware of what the games entail, or am I too strict??

 

[SweetMissy]

I don't think you're being strict since we live by the same rules here. I believe this is why our youth society has so many problems. Parents just don't care.

 

[mjkacmom]

Do these boys have older siblings? When ds15 was little, I was a little shocked at what some of his friends got to watch (horror movies), and what video games they played (and ds played at their homes).

Fast forward to ds10, who loves playing his brother's COD and GTA, and watching The Walking Dead with mom and dad. And he gets alone time on the computer, because it's in the basement (only spot for it), and he has to use it for homework.

On the positive flip side, ds10 is an amazing athlete, in part because he has an older brother involved in sports, who plays soccer/baseball/football/basketball with him all of the time. Some of ds15's friends were the same way - you could tell who had the older brothers.

 

[kimj88]

Do these boys have older siblings? When ds15 was little, I was a little shocked at what some of his friends got to watch (horror movies), and what video games they played (and ds played at their homes).

Fast forward to ds10, who loves playing his brother's COD and GTA, and watching The Walking Dead with mom and dad. And he gets alone time on the computer, because it's in the basement (only spot for it), and he has to use it for homework.

On the positive flip side, ds10 is an amazing athlete, in part because he has an older brother involved in sports, who plays soccer/baseball/football/basketball with him all of the time. Some of ds15's friends were the same way - you could tell who had the older brothers.

I would say about half do have the older brothers and half don't. I do get what you are saying though, because I find myself being more permissive with my 4 year old DS due to him wanting to do what DS9 can do. I never dreamed of letting DS9 play Playstation games when he was 4, but I let DS4 do it now, so I am guilty of that situation myself.

 

[angelmom27]

Some parents I think just don't care. When I worked at walmart we would have kids come in with their allowance to buy A or M rated games. Of course we couldn't sell it to them til the parent said its ok and everytime they would say yeah its ok. The tone in their voice was more like I don't care.

I have kids who range in age from 15 to 2 and having an older sibling is not a pass to let a younger one get away with it. Still at 15 those games would not be allowed.

 

[RDawn]

We have the same rules for our 2nd & 4th graders. It doesn't make us popular as parents, but we think it is important to set healthy limits. And yes, I see the same progression of our oldest child teaching electronic games to our younger child. Parenting is a daily challenge.

 

[ArwenMarie]

Yep, I've seen this too. Sometimes the hardest part of parenting is other people's kids

 

[crisi]

Because everyone has different values. I have a friend who never lets her children eat meat or refined sugar. Another that allows no TV in the house. One that requires two hours of math practice every night. One that HATES Disney for its portrayal of women and families and rampant commericialsim and forbids any Disney product in the house. Some people do not see violence in video games as a problem, just as you probably don't see eating meat or watching Disney movies a problem.

 

[crisi]

By the way, the question isn't "why don't they raise their kids the way I raise mine" the question is really "how am I going to manage that fact?" You have a few choices. You can say that playdates all need to be at your home. You can call parents before a playdate and ask that they enforce your rules for the term of the playdate (although, in my experience, they don't and frankly, I'm not sure its a reasonable request to ask the household rules to change for your kid). You can limit playdate times to, say, your video game limit - two hours and you come home. You can teach your kids how rules are different, and let them be exposed to violent games outside your house, while teaching them that you don't agree with those values -especially at their age. You can teach your kids to say "my mom wouldn't want me to" and have them ask to stop and if it doesn't, have them call you to get picked up. You can give in. I will tell you from the parent of a fifteen year old boy, that this is one of those that if they aren't all doing it at nine, they will very likely all be doing it at twelve and that if you forbid it, his friend circle will get much smaller. Which may not be a bad thing. Just a consequence you should be aware of.

 

[wiigirl]

Yep, I've seen this too. Sometimes the hardest part of parenting is other people's kids

lol...so true!

 

[mm1971]

DS is 9. We have rules, for example, he has a bedtime. He is not allowed to watch R rated movies. He is not allowed to play M (Mature 17+) video games. He is not allowed to sit alone in a room on the internet and do as he pleases. Honestly, I don't think these are wierd or excessive rules for a 9 year old boy. However, many of his friends his age have NONE of these rules, even as guidelines. What is particularly causing me an issue is so many of his 9 year old, even 8 year old friends are allowed to play whatever video games, whatever ratings, however long and often they wish. These games have sex in them, barely dressed women, lots of violence, glorify crimes, etc. There is plenty of time to play these when he is several years older.
Please help me understand, are the parents just lazy, unaware of what the games entail, or am I too strict??

Welcome to the "mean parents" club. Pull up a chair and enjoy some support.

DS is 13. We have similar beliefs and rules in our home. His friends all play the newest Black Ops games, swear openly with adults around, stay up all night, some don't even stop to say hello and such. We always taught both kids manners and have restrictions. Even at 13, bed time is 9:30 (unless there is a special event or something occasionally). I hear all the time that everyone else gets to stay up until midnight.

DS is on the honor roll every quarter, plays sports and is caring and respectful. When he becomes an adult, he'll look back and appreciate the restrictions (and does understand they are important now, but doesn't really see long term) and values he was given. Hopefully he'll pass those along to my future grandchildren!

Keep to your guns and continue doing a great job raising those kids!

 

[mjkacmom]

Welcome to the "mean parents" club. Pull up a chair and enjoy some support.

DS is 13. We have similar beliefs and rules in our home. His friends all play the newest Black Ops games, swear openly with adults around, stay up all night, some don't even stop to say hello and such. We always taught both kids manners and have restrictions. Even at 13, bed time is 9:30 (unless there is a special event or something occasionally). I hear all the time that everyone else gets to stay up until midnight.

DS is on the honor roll every quarter, plays sports and is caring and respectful. When he becomes an adult, he'll look back and appreciate the restrictions (and does understand they are important now, but doesn't really see long term) and values he was given. Hopefully he'll pass those along to my future grandchildren!

Keep to your guns and continue doing a great job raising those kids!

I don't think playing violent video games makes kids bad. Ds15 is very respectful, I've never heard him curse once, he's never talked back, he's in all honors classes (always has been - GT program when younger), and plays varsity soccer (before HS, played baseball and basketball, as well).

As for bedtimes, we tried to let him police himself (dd17 hasn't had a bedtime in years, has a 4.3 GPA, and has never been in a bit of trouble). However, he has learned that he needs us to police him more, so he now has an 11 pm bedtime. I find all children have different needs. He has soccer practice Saturday mornings (unless he is reffing soccer games), and teaches CCD 9 am on Sundays, so staying up too late makes for a bad weekend.

My younger kids go to bed at 10. My girls don't even get home from dance until 9:30/9:45, and ds10 has soccer practice 4 nights a week. Fortunately, they are at straight A students (GT program as well), and don't need to get up until 7:30.

So, I don't think staying up late and playing video games turns kids into monsters. Back in the day, my kids had an 8 pm bedtime, but with all of the extracurricular activities, that is impossible. What works for one family might not work for another.

 

[crisi]

I don't think playing violent video games makes kids bad. Ds15 is very respectful, I've never heard him curse once, he's never talked back, he's in all honors classes (always has been - GT program when younger), and plays varsity soccer (before HS, played baseball and basketball, as well).

As for bedtimes, we tried to let him police himself (dd17 hasn't had a bedtime in years, has a 4.3 GPA, and has never been in a bit of trouble). However, he has learned that he needs us to police him more, so he now has an 11 pm bedtime. I find all children have different needs. He has soccer practice Saturday mornings (unless he is reffing soccer games), and teaches CCD 9 am on Sundays, so staying up too late makes for a bad weekend.

My younger kids go to bed at 10. My girls don't even get home from dance until 9:30/9:45, and ds10 has soccer practice 4 nights a week. Fortunately, they are at straight A students (GT program as well), and don't need to get up until 7:30.

So, I don't think staying up late and playing video games turns kids into monsters. Back in the day, my kids had an 8 pm bedtime, but with all of the extracurricular activities, that is impossible. What works for one family might not work for another.

I agree. My son's friends all play the Black Ops game and none of them swear. Several of them (not my kid) are on the A honor roll and get excellent grades. Most of them are very respectful. There are kids I wish I'd have kept mine from so I wasn't homeschooling him now, but it had nothing to do with violent video games or R rated movies. Those kids have turned out fine and I wish my kid were spending more time with them!

 

[3Gsandme]

I really don't think it's appropriate for younger kids to play violent games or watch violent or sexual movies. While it may not make them violent, it just don't feel that it's an age appropriate activity.

With all girls and no gamers in the house, we have no violent video games,so it's moot. Dd, 13, has a loose bedtime that will be more tightly enforced if her grades or behavior slip. She's watching PG-13 movies now with no real supervision. Computer time is supervised for all three kids.

 

[henry72]

DS is 9. We have rules, for example, he has a bedtime. He is not allowed to watch R rated movies. He is not allowed to play M (Mature 17+) video games. He is not allowed to sit alone in a room on the internet and do as he pleases. Honestly, I don't think these are wierd or excessive rules for a 9 year old boy. However, many of his friends his age have NONE of these rules, even as guidelines. What is particularly causing me an issue is so many of his 9 year old, even 8 year old friends are allowed to play whatever video games, whatever ratings, however long and often they wish. These games have sex in them, barely dressed women, lots of violence, glorify crimes, etc. There is plenty of time to play these when he is several years older.
Please help me understand, are the parents just lazy, unaware of what the games entail, or am I too strict??

Because everyone has different values. I have a friend who never lets her children eat meat or refined sugar. Another that allows no TV in the house. One that requires two hours of math practice every night. One that HATES Disney for its portrayal of women and families and rampant commericialsim and forbids any Disney product in the house. Some people do not see violence in video games as a problem, just as you probably don't see eating meat or watching Disney movies a problem.

I think Crisi pretty much nailed it - everyone doesn't see the issues the same as you do. Just because you have certain rules doesn't mean everyone should.

My kids have a set bedtime and we do not let them watch PG13 or R rated movies though really our movie choices is based on what we are comfortable with and what they can handle.

They do play on the internet without me glued to their side. The computer is in our office and I am usually in and out of the room as they play. I know the sites they go to play games (Nick Jr., HUB, Lego) and my DS knows how to use Amazon to look up items he wants to buy. Neither of them "surf" the web.

As for video games, DS does play Halo with his dad. The game they started with was rated Teen but the newer version is rated M. DS only plays it with his dad. We don't even let him watch DH play the other M rated games. DS plays many other shooting games that many might consider too graphic for someone his age. But we sit down and talk to him about the game, the violence and how none of this is REAL.

I don't think playing the video games has affected DS. He is the most considerate boy and not at all violent. And it really is MY decision on what he can do at our house. I will not let him play these games when his friends are over because I know their parents may have different rules.

 

[Happyjen27]

I don't think you truly want to understand.

As with all things in life, it would do you well to remember this:

You way is best for you but that is no sign it is the best for another.

Just keep doing you, and try and keep from judging those who do things differently.

 

[jensen]

x

 

[jensen]

x

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

DS is 9. We have rules, for example, he has a bedtime. He is not allowed to watch R rated movies. He is not allowed to play M (Mature 17+) video games. He is not allowed to sit alone in a room on the internet and do as he pleases. Honestly, I don't think these are wierd or excessive rules for a 9 year old boy. However, many of his friends his age have NONE of these rules, even as guidelines. What is particularly causing me an issue is so many of his 9 year old, even 8 year old friends are allowed to play whatever video games, whatever ratings, however long and often they wish. These games have sex in them, barely dressed women, lots of violence, glorify crimes, etc. There is plenty of time to play these when he is several years older.
Please help me understand, are the parents just lazy, unaware of what the games entail, or am I too strict??

I agree with you about the movies and M video games being inappropriate for a 9 year old, but how other parents chose to raise their children is really none of your business. If you are concerned as to what your child will be exposed to at his friend's houses, you can talk to the other parents or only let him play with these friends at your home.

 

[disneymommagic]

Both my children DS8 and DD13 are polite and respectful , they also watch and play video games such as COD halo and GTA ect. Both of my children have their own computers DD has a smartphone and DS has an iPod touch. My children do not cuss at people or act in a harmful way they just enjoy the games their dad and uncle enjoy. I think that as long as you teach your children respect for them selfs and others a video game or TV show is not going to turn them into disrespectful kids who get into trouble. It is not the video games computer or TV showers that do this it is parents not spending time and teaching their children.