Parenting Question: Behavior During Structured Activities vs. Free Play?

[becka]

My DS will be 4 in May and while he is good most of the time we do have some trouble with him from time to time. One thing that has become clear at preschool for him is that during the structured activities at school (story time, circle time, art, etc..) he listens well and is behaved but during the more "free time" activities (outside play, free play, etc.) he seems to get himself into trouble. I don't know if it is just because he is bored during free play or maybe more likely that he just never really learned how to play well independently at an earlier age because he was our first until he was over 2 1/2.

I guess if we are going to have issues it is better that he loves the structured activities and does well for them but I really would love to teach him to listen and behave better during those free play times.

Anyone have any ideas?

Thanks!

 

[Miss Inga Depointe]

Can I ask how verbal he is?

 

[LBAK]

Don't make yourself crazy over this. He sounds like all 15 4 year olds in my classroom. He will Learn how to play better as time goes on. Free play is a time where they explore, test, learn how to socialize and the classroom is always a flurry of activity. The teacher should be guiding him through the ins and outs of learning how to socialize the right way, teaching him his classroom limits and helping him make the right decisions. Very often her tone will set the childrens tone. What is she saying about his behavior? As long as he's not physically hurting other children I wouldn't worry.

 

[MAKmom]

What trouble is he getting in? Short of setting fires I would not worry about it. He's 4.

 

[In a hurry]

I always thought the 4's were worse than the 2's! He sounds typical, although that doesn't help your situation!

Good luck!

 

[mickeyboat]

I would say he's typical, too. DD's are in K, and every week the guidance counselor comes in to teach them ways to deal with interpersonal situations, most of which would occur during free play. Here are some examples: what do you do when someone won't share, when someone won't let you play with them, when you get very angry, etc. I think even in K schools know that kids need work in those areas.

I think it's great that your son does well in more structured activities. That will serve him well when he starts K.

Maybe an idea for him is to get involved in free play activities /games that have precise, but easy rules that all the other kids know - like hopskotch, taking turns on the slide, etc. Maybe even practice it at home playing with you and DH.

I also find that once the weather improves, and my kids get more outside time, they behave a lot better.

Denae

 

[mtemm]

Lets see, so far Daniel, who turned 4 in feb and is in his first year of preschool, has bit a child once, has hit a child, and has shoved a child (but mommy, they said no biting or hiting, they didn't say anything about shoving). I swear I feel like the worst parent ever when I get that look from his teacher that says they have something to tell me. sigh. and until last week he would not participate in group time (aka singing and dancing). I was so upset, until we went to a kid from his class's birthday party and we moms got to talking.

I'm not alone! And neither are you, or your son. This is what preschool is all about...learning to play with others and learning to listen to teachers and all of that stuff that prepares them for "real" school some day.

 

[Nancy]

My now 13 year old sweet heart of a daughter got suspended from pre school for being mean to another little girl, she pushed her and the girl hit her head.

Luckily for me the teachers knew me very well since my 2 other kids went there and I spent a lot of time helping out. The first time she pushed her they told me about it and how they had her sit in a time out for a bit..the second time they called me and I took her home. It was a one day suspension.

Kids do all kinds of things to get in trouble at that age....I'd rather have them be well behaved during structured time then free time, since once in "real" school (as opposed to pre-school) there will be much more of the sructure and way less of the free.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I also wouldn't worry too much about it since there won't be too much free play when he goes to kindergarten. Make sure that he plays for short periods of time on his own during the weekends at home. If you are going to be playing wtih him, try telling him that you'll play the game (go to the playground, etc--whatever it is) after he's played for a set amount of time (15 minutes, maybe?).

Some kids are great at entertaining themselves and others struggle with this. I'm betting that your son will do fine as he gets older so just encourage him at home and let the school deal with him there. Yes, I would also prefer that he's having problems with the unstructured play rather than the structured time.

 

[skooniebird]

My DS will be 4 in May and while he is good most of the time we do have some trouble with him from time to time. One thing that has become clear at preschool for him is that during the structured activities at school (story time, circle time, art, etc..) he listens well and is behaved but during the more "free time" activities (outside play, free play, etc.) he seems to get himself into trouble. I don't know if it is just because he is bored during free play or maybe more likely that he just never really learned how to play well independently at an earlier age because he was our first until he was over 2 1/2.

I guess if we are going to have issues it is better that he loves the structured activities and does well for them but I really would love to teach him to listen and behave better during those free play times.

Anyone have any ideas?

Thanks! [/QUOTE

For a start, I would just talk to him about it and what is expected of him. One technique after a good talk is using like one of those rubber bracelet things or something and teaching him to touch it or rub it when he is feeling a little "out of control" to remind himself what he should be doing. Tell him it's ok to go play something byy yourself for a little while if you feel like you are getting a little wound up or someone says you are. My oldest was the same and could only take being with other children in free play situations for short periods of time before he would just get too wound up and start losing it, either with loud, naughty stuff or belligerence and arguuing. He learned at 3 or 4 to kind of time himself out after a few weeks of us helping him and keeping a close eye to help him recognize when those feelings are starting. He has been tested at a near genius IQ and will be 15 in May, but he still has to isolate once in awhile if there is a party with a large group or something. Just for a few minutes to breathe. He now has the words to tell us that all the noise and different things just get his mind racing and makes him irritable and he just needs a break once in awhile to relax so he doesn't get caught up and get irritable with someone when he really doesn't mean to.

 

[Beth76]

I have the exact opposite problem. My son loves free play, but doesn't do so well with circle time. This is a problem we are working on since he'll start K in the fall. I've been doing a lot of research because his pre-k teacher told me he's not ready for K yet because of this. What I've found out is that this is typical boy behavior. I've determined that this is not a problem that he will necessarily outgrow in a year, so we are not holding him back. Really, at age four, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Maybe give him times at home where he needs to play by himself for a set amount of time. What we are doing is having DS work on worksheets and practice his letters. Just to give him 5-10 minutes of sitting down and working on something that itsn't playing.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

By getting into trouble do you mean he isn't very good at taking turns on the slide, takes toys away from the other kids, is self-centered and only out for his own pleasure and woe to any other being who gets in his way?

If so, I agree that it sounds like very typical Preschool boy behavior.

I hate to get all sexist about it, but young boys are incredibly immature and are not usually very good at interacting well with others. I really wouldn't obsess over it Becka, it isn't good to expect 4 year old boys to act like they are 6. These skills come with time.

Beth76 - Have you considered a Kindergarten program such as a Montessori? They are really good at allowing kids to develop at their own rates.

 

[becka]

My oldest was the same and could only take being with other children in free play situations for short periods of time before he would just get too wound up and start losing it, either with loud, naughty stuff or belligerence and arguuing.

This sounds a lot like my DS. I am not overly worried about him because I expect some of this behavior from a boy his age but I guess I am just looking for ways to help him learn to cope better in an unstructured environment. He sometimes just gets too excited and occassionally one of his classmates get hurt when he flings himself across the room playing Power Rangers. But mostly he turns more argumentative and gets very loud and does not seem to want to listen. It just seems strange because during a more structured activity it is almost exactly the opposite. He is one of the better listeners during those times and is not any louder than you would expect from a 3 year old boy.

I do try to guide him to play by himself at home more often and we have had a few light discussions on the subject. We do not punish him for this behavior (except for any physical issues like hitting which are fairly rare) because he is not doing anything really "bad" but we just know that over the next few years especially at he gets closer to K he really needs to develop better skills in this area. I do agree that if you have to pick which one your child has any issue with doing better in the structured environments is the one to choose. I am sure it will help him as he enters school.

Also, to the one who asked (sorry can't remember who) yes he is vERY verbal. It is almost maddening at times just how much he can talk.

 

[Beth76]

Beth76 - Have you considered a Kindergarten program such as a Montessori? They are really good at allowing kids to develop at their own rates.

No because we really can't afford it. His K program has an full-day option in which the second half is kind of geared toward the Montessori philosophy-child led learning. I actually think he would really like that part of the day, but we're not sure we want to shell out the extra money for it. This will probably be debated until he actually has to start. I keep going back and forth.