Overweight children -- a vent (and yes, I know I'm going to get flamed)

[Mickey'snewestfan]

This is such an emotionally loaded issue that I thought about creating a new user name and doing this anonymously, but I decided that that's just contributing to the problem I'm venting about, so I'm going to go ahead and do it. I know I'm going to get flamed, but I feel like I have to say what I'm going to say.

I'm sick and tired of the level of judgement that is becoming so prevalent in society against overweight children and their families, and I'm hoping that maybe by venting a little here, people can see another perspective.

My 11 year old is overweight -- not, technically obese as his BMI isn't quite that high, but well into the "overweight" range. You can tell by looking at him, that he could stand to lose some weight. When we go out in public it breaks my heart when I can tell people are looking at him and judging him by this one feature, and not seeing the bright, funny, kind, creative person that he is. I also feel like they judge me, like they look at my child and assume that I let him sit on the couch in front of the TV and eat potato chips all day. I've read some forums or places that are supposed to offer support and people feel entitled to jump in and post horrible things to parents who are looking for help for their children. I've even seen posts where people have tickers saying that they weigh 300 plus pounds, and have only lost a few, and yet they are incredibly judgemental of parents. You'd think

The thing I wish is that people would get that this is a complicated issue. My son's a good example of this phenomena. He's had a history of medical issues when he was younger that have likely made it harder for him to know when he's hungry and when he's full, plus he's taken some medications that can impact a child's appetite and growth. He's also got asthma and allergies, that slow him down at certain times of the year.

But even beyond that, the messages that society gives parents about weight loss is very confusing. I get the message that I'm responsible for everything he eats, but in reality, like most kids his age, he eats about 1/2 his meals and snacks away from home -- at school, or camp, or on the sidelines of a sports practice, or at a friend's house or grandma's. There's also a lot of consensus in the literature you read about childhood weightloss that you shouldn't forbid foods, or be controlling, or talk to your child about their weight -- but it's challenging to control what your child eats in their absence without doing those things. I get the message that physical exercise is crucial and screen time is bad, but also that pushing your child too hard is bad, and that kids need downtime. Self-esteem is also important, and sometimes I'm choosing between something that he loves (like going to a friends house, even though I know he'll be playing video games there, or letting him be involved in the school play, even though the practices conflict with Tae Kwon Do). When people criticize parents of overweight kids, they make it seem like it's just "follow the yellow brick road" or "love your child enough to do the right thing" but that doesn't reflect the fact that sometimes the road isn't bright yellow, it covered with brambles and hard to see, and sometimes loving your child isn't enough to see the way. All of these issues would be present even if we didn't have the medical issues that we do.

I've been worried enough about this issue, that today I went to an appointment with a therapist/nutritionist who specializes in this issue. I brought his weight chart, but didn't bring him. Her basic message was that we're actually doing great. Kids with his history often end up morbidly obese, and he isn't. His BMI has been stable for several years at an age when many kid's weight gain is accelerating. He eats a wide variety of food including at least 5 servings of different fruit and veggies a day. We never have food battles, I put healthy food on the table and he chooses what and how much he wants and ends up with a healthy mix of foods. He's physically active with sports camps in the summer, PE and recreational sports leagues during the school year, plus he walks the dog daily and we do things like hiking, biking, ice skating, and swimming. She says all of that is way more important than a number on the scale, and other than scheduling a snack each afternoon (so he doesn't end up starving and binging) we should just continue as we're doing. Anyway, it was really good to hear this because I feel like usually the message I get is that I must be dong wrong.

 

[Wishing on a star]

No flames here!
I can understand where you are coming from as you describe your specific situation.....

Unfortunately, however, we live in a day and time where we have a bona-fide health/obesity problem - 200lb. obese children go around with their ever present doritos and Mountain Dew... courtesy of their parents.... So, Given this situation, I think that no matter how painful, there are going to be a lot of people who see this and might be a little quick to pass judgment.

You have my understanding and my best wishes for your child's health!

 

[tonilea]

I am overweight (and working on myself - I have lost about 30lbs in the past year) and I am very concerned about DS. I don't want his weight to be an issue for him down the road.

Right now, he isn't overweight, but he has gained 8 or 9 pounds since January. He has also grown several inches taller. Hopefully it is just a big growth spurt.

 

[Rora]

Very well written, OP. No flames from me. Just and well wishes for your son and your family.

 

[missypie]

Hugs to you and your son.

My college roommate and I lived together for 3 years. We ate the same dorm food, in approximately the same quantities. Neither of us kept food in the room because we couldn't afford it. We got roughly the same amount of exercise (neither of us "worked out" but we walked a lot across the large campus.) Yet I weighed 98 lbs and she was a size 20. I was doing nothing to stay skinny and she was doing nothing to stay large, yet there it was.

That experience was an early lesson that there's so much more to weight than what you eat.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I am sorry it must be hard but it sounds like you are doing a good job
We have a niece that is 9 that is over weight and in her case it is the parents/grandparents letting her eat junk and drink soda after soda and never make her do anything physical. It sounds like your son will though grow up to make good decesions about what he eats becasue of what you are teaching him at home and most likely will grow out of it as he grows more.

 

[Christine]

OP, I guess I'm a little confused by your post. Just the other day, you made a big post about cooking and how you've been too busy and you are trying to rectify that. Good thread. But you did say this:

One thing that's really suffered is our diet. I buy healthy food and then end up leaving it in the fridge while we go out to eat, hit the drive through, order in, or eat something from a can. Of course this is bad for both the waistline and the budget.

So, I'm thinking that your past history, admittedly, has contributed somewhat to your son's weight problem. I'm not blaming or flaming. This recent post suggests that you've been doing everything right, dietwise, for awhile but you other post indicates otherwise.

The thing I wish is that people would get that this is a complicated issue. My son's a good example of this phenomena. He's had a history of medical issues when he was younger that have likely made it harder for him to know when he's hungry and when he's full, plus he's taken some medications that can impact a child's appetite and growth. He's also got asthma and allergies, that slow him down at certain times of the year.

Weight often is a complicated issue and I too wish people would "get" things. I think one way to start is, on threads like these, why not tell us what some of the medical issues are that your son has faced/faces. It can be quite educational for some of us who may be unknowingly struggling with the same issues. My son has terrible asthma and allergies and I know that some of the asthma meds are known to have weight gaining side effects. Education is the first step in getting people to be more sympathetic, so I do wish people would explain these medical conditions on these threads. We really only hear about them in the abstract.

I've seen a lot of young boys who are "chunky" at that pre-puberty stage absolutely thin out when they hit the growth spurt at 13/14. I would have always thought these boys would struggle with weight but it's amazing how much they change. Doesn't seem to hit girls in that manner, of course!!

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

Parenting is hard work. Cooking is a pain in the butt. Ultimately as the parent it is your responsibility to make sure your child is eating/doing what is best for him. As a parent of two children who had asthma/allergies, tons of meds etc. I can say it is possible to keep them fit and within normal weight guidelines. It comes done to making the choices that are best fit for your child, even if it makes your life harder. Eating out is a huge problem with children in today's society.

Good luck, , I hope you figure out what is best for you and your child.

 

[LisaR]

As a parent, you need to be responsible for what your son eats. If your son has a health problem (and I do think being overweight is a health issue) it is up to you to help him. You need to send him to school, practices, grandma's house, etc with his own food and snacks. My son has life threatening allergies to many foods so he goes everywhere with his own foods. Certain foods could kill my son. I do not see any difference with your son. He is already overweight. His chances have already increased for heart disease and diabetes. I wouldn't risk sending my son someplace without his own food and I question why you would take that risk with your son.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

As a parent, you need to be responsible for what your son eats. If your son has a health problem (and I do think being overweight is a health issue) it is up to you to help him. You need to send him to school, practices, grandma's house, etc with his own food and snacks. My son has life threatening allergies to many foods so he goes everywhere with his own foods. Certain foods could kill my son. I do not see any difference with your son. He is already overweight. His chances have already increased for heart disease and diabetes. I wouldn't risk sending my son someplace without his own food and I question why you would take that risk with your son.

Very good post (your's too Christine). I couldn't get it posted without it sounding mean. I totally agree with this.

 

[disykat]

Hugs to you and your son.

My college roommate and I lived together for 3 years. We ate the same dorm food, in approximately the same quantities. Neither of us kept food in the room because we couldn't afford it. We got roughly the same amount of exercise (neither of us "worked out" but we walked a lot across the large campus.) Yet I weighed 98 lbs and she was a size 20. I was doing nothing to stay skinny and she was doing nothing to stay large, yet there it was.

That experience was an early lesson that there's so much more to weight than what you eat.

I think this is a very good point! I've known many families where one child out of three or four has a weight issue. Obviously not totally a parenting issue.

I come from a family with weight issues, yet you'd never know it from the food my family ate growing up. I laugh at magazine articles that say "lose 20 pounds by switching to nonfat milk" etc. I've never used any other kind! DH on the other hand, is underweight but grew up in a family that either frys everything or tops it with creamed soup, sour cream, and cheese and bakes it! Dessert every night at thier house!

Obviously it comes down to calories in/ calories expended, but there's a lot more to it than that!

I'm so thankful my kids take after their Dad and have no weight issues.

 

[si-am]

Hugs to you and your son.

My college roommate and I lived together for 3 years. We ate the same dorm food, in approximately the same quantities. Neither of us kept food in the room because we couldn't afford it. We got roughly the same amount of exercise (neither of us "worked out" but we walked a lot across the large campus.) Yet I weighed 98 lbs and she was a size 20. I was doing nothing to stay skinny and she was doing nothing to stay large, yet there it was.

That experience was an early lesson that there's so much more to weight than what you eat.

But what size were you both when you started? If you started the same size, I can see your point. But if she was already quite larger, then probably she was maintaining her weight (as were you) but not cutting enough calories to lose.

 

[wvjules]

I think this is a very good point! I've known many families where one child out of three or four has a weight issue. Obviously not totally a parenting issue.

I come from a family with weight issues, yet you'd never know it from the food my family ate growing up. I laugh at magazine articles that say "lose 20 pounds by switching to nonfat milk" etc. I've never used any other kind! DH on the other hand, is underweight but grew up in a family that either frys everything or tops it with creamed soup, sour cream, and cheese and bakes it! Dessert every night at thier house!

Obviously it comes down to calories in/ calories expended, but there's a lot more to it than that!

I'm so thankful my kids take after their Dad and have no weight issues.

Then that wouldn't be less calories for your family however it would be less calories for the family that does use whole milk and they would be the ones that lose the weight. You can't lose weight or benefit from switching from one fatty product to a non-fatty product if you already use the non-fatty product. It is geared towards the family that does use whole milk. Make sense?

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

As a parent, you need to be responsible for what your son eats. If your son has a health problem (and I do think being overweight is a health issue) it is up to you to help him. You need to send him to school, practices, grandma's house, etc with his own food and snacks. My son has life threatening allergies to many foods so he goes everywhere with his own foods. Certain foods could kill my son. I do not see any difference with your son. He is already overweight. His chances have already increased for heart disease and diabetes. I wouldn't risk sending my son someplace without his own food and I question why you would take that risk with your son.

Because every thing I read, everything specialist I talk to says the most important thing for children who struggle with this issue, is to make sure they feel like they have control, to help them learn to make choices by not making them feel singled out, or doing things that draw their attention or other people's attention to their weight. Sending him to a birthday party with a lunch box of carrot sticks and grilled chicken breast isn't in line with that philosophy. There are very few things were there seems to be consensus in the literature when it comes to overweight children, but this is one area in which everyone seems to agree.

 

[wvjules]

Because every thing I read, everything specialist I talk to says the most important thing for children who struggle with this issue, is to make sure they feel like they have control, to help them learn to make choices by not making them feel singled out, or doing things that draw their attention or other people's attention to their weight. Sending him to a birthday party with a lunch box of carrot sticks and grilled chicken breast isn't in line with that philosophy. There are very few things were there seems to be consensus in the literature when it comes to overweight children, but this is one area in which everyone seems to agree.

So then you are going to ignore the issue and let him continue to have bad eating habit? Which is it? You are helping him or you aren't? You can't say you feed him all the right things then say that its bad for you to give him healthy foods since that would be singling him out? I'm confused.

 

[Northstar]

As a parent, you need to be responsible for what your son eats. If your son has a health problem (and I do think being overweight is a health issue) it is up to you to help him. You need to send him to school, practices, grandma's house, etc with his own food and snacks. My son has life threatening allergies to many foods so he goes everywhere with his own foods. Certain foods could kill my son. I do not see any difference with your son. He is already overweight. His chances have already increased for heart disease and diabetes. I wouldn't risk sending my son someplace without his own food and I question why you would take that risk with your son.

I don't see why you are assuming the OP doesn't send her son with food. She said he eats away from home, so she doesn't get to monitor what actually goes into his mouth. Believe me, if you saw what goes on in school lunchrooms and wherever kids eat together, and how much of the carefully-chosen healthy food sent by moms goes into the trash, and how much junk gets purchased or traded for in its place, you'd know what she means.

I understand exactly what the OP means. She knows there's a problem, she worries about the problem, she worries about the best way to guide her son through the problem. But the problem she's venting about isn't the difficulty of the road they're travelling... it's the lack of respect people show towards total strangers because of their weight.

It is simply rude to offer dirty looks, annoyed comments about "Some people...", free unsought advice, or any other kind of treatment that is less respectful than you would give to someone who is not overweight, especially if you do not even see the unsavory behavior you're attributing to them (stuffing their faces with unhealthy food and not exercising).

 

[STLDisney_Freak]

No Flames from OP. I can understand your situation. I have an overweight 7 year old. I have discussed the problem with her pedi. He referred me to an endo dr for a check to make sure their were no underlying issues to her weight gain. We found one issue that may be part of it, but not the total cause of it. I try to get her to remain active and fix healthy food for her. I also have an skinny healthy 5 year so I know I am not doing a totally bad job at parenting. But yes it is a difficult issue.

 

[princessmom29]

Hugs to you and your son.

My college roommate and I lived together for 3 years. We ate the same dorm food, in approximately the same quantities. Neither of us kept food in the room because we couldn't afford it. We got roughly the same amount of exercise (neither of us "worked out" but we walked a lot across the large campus.) Yet I weighed 98 lbs and she was a size 20. I was doing nothing to stay skinny and she was doing nothing to stay large, yet there it was.

That experience was an early lesson that there's so much more to weight than what you eat.

I had a college roomate that was a size 3 when I was 16. We ate well exercised, ect all together. We walked 4 miles 3 times a week. We were eating exactly the same things and doing the same amount of exercise. She was donig it to help me get fit. She was there for support.She lost weight ot the point that she had to start eating more. I didn't lose anything. Not one pound. There are many more complicted issues at work that calories in versus exercise. Everyone's body chemistry and metabolism are different.

Parenting is hard work. Cooking is a pain in the butt. Ultimately as the parent it is your responsibility to make sure your child is eating/doing what is best for him. As a parent of two children who had asthma/allergies, tons of meds etc. I can say it is possible to keep them fit and within normal weight guidelines. It comes done to making the choices that are best fit for your child, even if it makes your life harder. Eating out is a huge problem with children in today's society.

Good luck, , I hope you figure out what is best for you and your child.

It may be possible for YOUR child, but not for everyone. MY sister's best friend was on massive doses of steroids as a child for an immune condition. There was nothing to be done to keep her at a normal weight. The doctors finally told the parents vthat it simply wasn't possible. There are many children out there on steroid treatment for asthma among other things who CANNOT maintian a normal weight, no matter how good thier nutrition. They must consume enough calories to survive and will always bwe heavy unti lthey can stop steroids.

Because every thing I read, everything specialist I talk to says the most important thing for children who struggle with this issue, is to make sure they feel like they have control, to help them learn to make choices by not making them feel singled out, or doing things that draw their attention or other people's attention to their weight. Sending him to a birthday party with a lunch box of carrot sticks and grilled chicken breast isn't in line with that philosophy. There are very few things were there seems to be consensus in the literature when it comes to overweight children, but this is one area in which everyone seems to agree.

Exactly. You cannot take away all thier control or it will totally backfire. Kids will become pasive aggressive and find junk anywhere they can just to prove they have some control. Passing judgment and beingthe "food police" does no good.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

OP, I guess I'm a little confused by your post. Just the other day, you made a big post about cooking and how you've been too busy and you are trying to rectify that. Good thread. But you did say this:



So, I'm thinking that your past history, admittedly, has contributed somewhat to your son's weight problem. I'm not blaming or flaming. This recent post suggests that you've been doing everything right, dietwise, for awhile but you other post indicates otherwise.

First of all, I'm not saying that I've done everything perfect -- if I gave that impression, I gave it wrongly. Yes, what I described above is a pattern we fell into for a period. It wasn't what caused the problem, in that that period was actually after he became overweight and during the time when his weight was holding pretty steady, but it certainly didn't help. And like I said in that same post I found some solutions that seem to be working for us. So, yes, I've made mistakes, and yes, I've contributed. But I also see other families who make the same choices, who feed their kids chicken nuggets or the occaisional fast food, whose kids look different -- because they burn calories differently, or know when to stop eating, or? I'm not saying I'm blameless, just that it isn't as one dimensional as people seem to think.

Weight often is a complicated issue and I too wish people would "get" things. I think one way to start is, on threads like these, why not tell us what some of the medical issues are that your son has faced/faces. It can be quite educational for some of us who may be unknowingly struggling with the same issues. My son has terrible asthma and allergies and I know that some of the asthma meds are known to have weight gaining side effects. Education is the first step in getting people to be more sympathetic, so I do wish people would explain these medical conditions on these threads. We really only hear about them in the abstract.

The biggest issue is that as an infant he had a structural problem with his airway and was fed by feeding tube. Because he had a tendency to reflux and then pull the stomach acid into his lungs he was actually fed very slowly over many hours a day, so at an age when other kids are figuring out "when I'm hungry I ask for food by crying, or later on with words, and I eat until my stomach feels full", he was learning something entirely different. When he was small it was actually kind of freaky. A few times when we were weaning off the tube we'd be late for a meal and he'd be so hungry that he'd be whiny and irrational (not his usual self, he's always been very mild mannered), and if I tried to feed him he'd get upset -- it seemed that he was thinking "but my stomach is uncomfortable, why would I put something in it when it feels bad?"

He's come a long way since then, and definitely gets that a certain feeling in his stomach gets better when he eats. But he also seems to really need to slow down and pay attention. If he's caught up in something like a birthday party he'll eat and eat and eat and not pay attention to his cues at all. On the other hand there have been days when, for example, he's at my house and I drop him off at my mom's thinking she's feeding him lunch, but she somehow thought I fed him -- and he'll end up going 10 hours without eating and won't think to ask because he doesn't notice the hunger until it's really bad. The nutritionist we saw today made it seem like he's doing really well comparted to other kids with his history, that many kids don't get it at all, and the fact that he sort of gets it (and is overweight, not obese) is great. She says he should continue to develop these skills into adulthood, so that's great.

On top of that he's taken a lot of steroids for both allergies, and due to the lung damage from when he was little before we figured out the issue. He's average height, but I think would probably be taller if it weren't for the meds, judging from how he grows if we take a break from them. He's adopted and so I can't say genetically what height he should be. My gut tells me he'd be a pretty tall kid. I don't think it's that the meds cause appetite, as much as they suppress his growth, so that he's eating for the amount he should be growing, but since he's growing more slowly it results in a higher BMI. I know that other children do have increased appetite from the steroids, but I don't notice a change in his eating when he comes off them so I don't think it has that effect on him.

I've seen a lot of young boys who are "chunky" at that pre-puberty stage absolutely thin out when they hit the growth spurt at 13/14. I would have always thought these boys would struggle with weight but it's amazing how much they change. Doesn't seem to hit girls in that manner, of course!!

I hope that's our case, since he's been about the same percentage wise since 7 or 8, I don't think it's him plumping up before puberty, but I think puberty will help. I do notice that he doesn't stand out to the degree that he did a year or two ago, because other boys his age are putting on more weight.

 

[LisaR]

Because every thing I read, everything specialist I talk to says the most important thing for children who struggle with this issue, is to make sure they feel like they have control, to help them learn to make choices by not making them feel singled out, or doing things that draw their attention or other people's attention to their weight. Sending him to a birthday party with a lunch box of carrot sticks and grilled chicken breast isn't in line with that philosophy. There are very few things were there seems to be consensus in the literature when it comes to overweight children, but this is one area in which everyone seems to agree.

No, you do not need to send carrot sticks and a chicken breast to a birthday party. What you need to do is talk to your son about making the right choices before the party. Tell him WHY cake would not be good for him at this point and time. He is 11 not 2. He can live without having a piece of cake and not end up having a meltdown like a toddler. Feed him BEFORE the party so he isn't hungry there. Or, what I always did is find out what they were having at the party and send the safe version for my son when he was little. If they are having pizza (the favorite of most parties) make him a whole wheat pizza, sans cheese or just a sprinkle and some veggies. Now that my son is 13, he could care less about the food. He eats ahead of time and is fine. The only problem he has is when the party is at a restaurant and all they are doing is eating (they aren't bowling, playing video games, etc). That seems to be the common theme now. He just doesn't go. He will survive. He can hang out another day. It really isn't the end of the world.