Over son living at home

[Gail T AGAIN]

My son is 20, he does nothing around here. Like a fool I put his name on the deed thinking he would get more respocibility to get motivated to do things around here. Well yesterday took the cake, I had to yell and flip out (which should not be happeing with my MS). through this all I said to him maybe I should call his GF mom to make sure it is ok for him and her to go to the Vineyard alone, O think that was resonable on my part, well he flipped out and said do notcall her mother, sje just had heart surgery a week ago and cant have stress. I guess it is OK for me to have stress, I think it is time for him to move on, at this point in my life I dont know what tomorrow is going to bring and I dont need this aggravation at all to spark off any more episodes of my MS. Thanks for reading this and leating me vent.
PS he keeps saying he is moving but he is always here, rents are high and he knows he cant do it

 

[Tony-NJ]

I think he's at an age where he know's he's of age, but would also be very tough to live on his own. I'm doing this from memory!! We did however throw my brother out of the house ( he was in his late 20's at the time), and would make my mother sick to see him sit around all day and go out all night. Divorced, drugs etc. We figured it would either make him or break him. If he has a job, perhaps tell him that he has to take responsibility and get his own place.

 

[meeshi]

Does he have a job? Does he pay room and board? In our house my parents had a rule that once you graduated high school you paid room and board. It wasn't much at all, just a little so we wouldn't be sponges and would contribute something. KWIM?

 

[Lucky4me]

You poor thing, I know what you're going through.

I have a 20 yo son at home too. After struggling with this kid for several years, this is what we've demanded of him :

Work full time or

school full time and work part time

No drinking or smoking in house

Keep the music off when we are home

That's it. If he doesn't bide by the rules, he's out. Simple as that.

He's been working 60 hours a week all summer and just quit so he could go to school full time starting next week. He's paying his own tuition with the money he saved and will also work part time.

He has many habits that bother me like wet towels on the floor, leaving the tub with hair in it, cap off the toothpaste types of things, but I pick my battles. I'm tired of yelling like a banshee when it does no good. I now ask myself how important these things are in the scheme of his life and how he is as a person. I always come up with the answer: not very.

I figure he'll be here another year and will then go to State college and room with his brother. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

I sound like an uncaring Mom but that couldn't be further from the truth. I love this kid with all my heart and I've died a thousand deaths over his past behavior. It's just time for him to grow up.

I also have a chronic illness but try very hard not to make that part of the equation when dealing with him. He knows when I'm having a bad day and will do what I ask of him. I think my illness is just as hard on the family as it is on me. They try to understand but they never will totally.

You'll get through this time with him but you gotta get tough and mean what you say!

Good luck and IM if you need to chat!

 

[Gail T AGAIN]

he doesn't pay room and board but he does pay the cable bill each is $89.00 a month. he doesn't help doing anything, I am on my own wether is it cleaning and cooking, cleaning or painted the ceiling. I wish I could live somewhere for $89.00 a month and not have any respocibilities whatsoever. the funny thing is his dad( who I am divorced from and lives 55 minutes away) doesn't think what I am going through is a bad thing. Like I said to him, you have no worries, you send a child support check each week (cause the boy is in college) and that doesn't even go close to my expences in the house with a 20 yr ols. He doesn't have the extra work of picking up after him or worrying when he is out till 2am. some times I look back and wished I could have done my life all over. Last night when I went to bed I prayed to God to let me just die in my sleep, I'm taking up air that is valuable to others. I would be lost without all you Disers, you have been my support through my good times and bad.

 

[glo]

Gail....hugs

You are going through some rough times. Please never think that way about yourself. You are important. Please come here and vent, we will listen. If you need someone I will talk to you anytime.

Sometimes tough love is what is needed. Maybe it is time your DS learns to take care of himself. It has to happen sometime, and even though it is difficult to let go, it has to happen.


Hugs sweetie.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Your last post worried me. I would guess that the stress is a bit more then your son. Can you get into some counseling. You don't need to feel this way. Also, a family meeting is definitely in order. Maybe ask your son to list what he thinks he should be responsible for, and you list what you think. Together hammer out a compromise. Let him know that if he doesn't pitch in he will need to find his own place. I would guess that it his lack of help and lounging around attitute that bothers you more then the money. I have an eighteen year old dd who will be living at home while attending the state college in two weeks. I encouraged her to do this, but after this summer I wonder. It is tough to treat her like an adult when she hasn't yet figured out how to be responsible in the house. I don't want to yell at her and I can't really ground her. She has one room or house area that she is responsible for. She must straighten up this room every day and before she goes to bed, and on Saturday she has to give it a good cleaning. An example is living room and bathroom, or dining room and hallway, or bathroom. As long as she is in school full time I do not charge her rent, but I expect her to cover all of her own expenses, such as cell phone, lunches, clothing, etc.
By giving the one room, I don't have to tell her what to do on a daily basis. This seems to have improved things since she argued with me about everything she had to do.
If he has the extra income maybe charge him and extra $50-60 bucks a month and use it to go to the movies or out to dinner by yourself.
If you are still having a tough time have your son attend a counseling session or two with you. They can help you negotiate some household rules, and act as a neutral party to settle the differences.

 

[nativetxn]

Gail you are worrying me. I'm not going to offer advice just {{{HUGS}}}.

Remember we are always here if you need to talk and that we care <b>a lot</b>.

I hope you are feeling better about things very soon.

Katholyn

 

[Gail T AGAIN]

I got in from work tonight and there was a note from my son before he left for Marthas Vineyard. it said " Sorry, I said things out of anger. If you try harder not to get on my nerves I won't get on your nerves. Love your only son you have, Dan. Was I suppose to get on a guilt trip . I am going to lay down the rules and they have to be abided by, this is my house, I am the mother, the adult and that is how it is going to have to be or I kick him out. . Boys will always be boys no matter how old they are.