Out of fake cheer

[lovemygoofy]

One of my oldest friends in the entire world is pregnant. She told me several weeks ago. It was an unplanned blessing. I listened as long as I could and made an excuse to hang up. I haven't called back since. I don't want to hear the celebration details and the baby stuff and all the planning. I don't want to imagine having to fly home for a shower and seeing her pregnant.

The other night I was told my 17 year old nephew is going to be a daddy. I just rolled my eyes and said something ugly about it. I don't want to buy something or celebrate this either.

I'm feeling completely rotten about my friend though. She does know about my situation to an extent with some of testing and things going on. I don't want to ignore her. I have to get into a better mind set. A baby is always a blessing and she will be a great mom.

The other thing weighing on my mind is we are going to my inlaws this weekend for an entire week. I will hear over and over again baby questions. I wonder if it's just time to come clean with them. My husband really doesn't want to because he doesn't want advice and suggestions. I kind of think they should know considering we are about 75% sure we are going to meet with an adoption agency next year. I just don't want to smile and deflect baby questions for the next week. I think I'm out of fake cheer and grace. Help me find it again. I will really really need it next week.

 

[Jennasis]

I gather you are having trouble conceiving? Hugs to you. It truly must be hard to find joy in others news when you are struggling so hard. I don't know how you "get over it". Maybe trying to think about how happy you'll be and how happy others will be for you when you annonce your adoption plans? Focus on the positive. Robbing people of their "thunder" now may come back to bite you later, and certainly it's not their fault. They don't know your situation.

Be strong. Live (for now) vicariously through the joys of others, until you can find your own joy.

 

[mookie]

One of my oldest friends in the entire world is pregnant. She told me several weeks ago. It was an unplanned blessing. I listened as long as I could and made an excuse to hang up. I haven't called back since. I don't want to hear the celebration details and the baby stuff and all the planning. I don't want to imagine having to fly home for a shower and seeing her pregnant.

The other night I was told my 17 year old nephew is going to be a daddy. I just rolled my eyes and said something ugly about it. I don't want to buy something or celebrate this either.

I'm feeling completely rotten about my friend though. She does know about my situation to an extent with some of testing and things going on. I don't want to ignore her. I have to get into a better mind set. A baby is always a blessing and she will be a great mom.

The other thing weighing on my mind is we are going to my inlaws this weekend for an entire week. I will hear over and over again baby questions. I wonder if it's just time to come clean with them. My husband really doesn't want to because he doesn't want advice and suggestions. I kind of think they should know considering we are about 75% sure we are going to meet with an adoption agency next year. I just don't want to smile and deflect baby questions for the next week. I think I'm out of fake cheer and grace. Help me find it again. I will really really need it next week.

BTDT. Twice. It's hard, and I wish I had advice from you. Just know that this is probably in the back of their minds too...they do know how hard it is for you to celebrate, but at the same time, you can't take that joy away from them, either. Hopefully they will understand when you are a bit withdrawn from the situation. I know it was so hard for me too. Hugs to you, and hang in there!

 

[akhenaten]

Ohh.... (((((((Tina)))))))
I have not experienced what you are going through... but I know you do not want to go through life being bitter about others having what you do not.... that is not your personality at all!!

You are allowed to have ups and downs... Life is like a rollercoaster....
I know you will have a child one way or another and you will be the best mom!!!

You should just tell family that you are trying and they will be first to know any good news!!!

 

[I loveStitchnippyjon]

Oh, Tina
As for the relatives, I believe in never sharing any more personal information than they really need. I treasure my privacy too much.
I know it is hard to deflect all the questions and comments, but try to be civil when you say "I don't care to discuss that right now!"

 

[marybet]

First thing is you really don't have to fly home for a baby shower, I am sure there are many reasons you could come up with for not going. If she is one of your oldest friends you should be able to be honest with her, tell her you are happy for her but because of your situation you really need to distance yourself for awhile.

I have no idea what you are going through but you should be able to tell his parents what is going on and your husband should be able to say, in the nicest way, that you don't need advice.

It will not help you at all to have to dodge baby questions for a week. Perhaps you could discuss the situation and then tell them you don't want to talk about it until you have something new to discuss.

Good luck.

 

[RitaZ.]

No advice to offer, just

 

[jenm2878]

I'm so sorry! We're in the same situation. DH and I have been trying for almost 2 years without any luck. My best friend stopped taking the pill and was pregnant in two months. They told us while we were out to dinner with them, and it was so hard to be excited. I cried for two days after that. I really am so happy for them, but I'm sad for us too.

It's so hard, but keep your chin up and know that you are not alone in feeling this way.

 

[Squirrel!!!]

I am so sorry for the pain you are in -----how hard for you, and being surrounded all the time (or seeming to be) with happy news and blessed events has to sometimes seem like a pebble in you shoe.....exhausting.

But, be strong. You know. I am a complete stranger...and I wish I could just do something to help---give you some power and strength and more than just the cyber hugs than I can offer.

Suck it up, smile, smile again. Smile and nod if that is all you have in you for the day. That is enough. It really is. Because, you care for your friend, and are happy for her, really, it is just hard/painful and well, HARD!!! Later when it is easier for you without the exhaustion and constant fielding of "well meaning" questions and all, (and that icky hard knot of cold in your stomach is gone) you can gush.

So, this holiday, deep breaths!! Smile and nod, and nod some more. Oh, and smile.

Good luck.

I wish you the best. For reals.

Oh, and I think if you decide on the adoption route, much joy with that too!!!

 

[Pooh Crew]

I have walked a mile in your shoes. I thought my secretary was going to have to call the police to drag me off the office tramp who was pg and kept saying all she really wanted was a beer and how she couldn't wait to dump this "load" and go get drunk. I don't know why some people have such and easy time conceiving and others struggle for years. I never really had an issue with people who I felt "deserved" to be pregnant (I know that I should not have been judgemental, but I was), but it seemed like every time I turned around someone else was having a baby that was unplanned and/or unwanted.

I know there's nothing I can say to make this easier on you, but know that the path you are on has been walked before by many and we do understand how hard it is to be happy for someone who seems to effortlessly get what you are having so much trouble obtaining.

Personally, I would tell the family, but that's just me. You never know when someone's connections might bring a baby your way.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

One of my oldest friends in the entire world is pregnant. She told me several weeks ago. It was an unplanned blessing. I listened as long as I could and made an excuse to hang up. I haven't called back since. I don't want to hear the celebration details and the baby stuff and all the planning. I don't want to imagine having to fly home for a shower and seeing her pregnant.

The other night I was told my 17 year old nephew is going to be a daddy. I just rolled my eyes and said something ugly about it. I don't want to buy something or celebrate this either.

I'm feeling completely rotten about my friend though. She does know about my situation to an extent with some of testing and things going on. I don't want to ignore her. I have to get into a better mind set. A baby is always a blessing and she will be a great mom.

The other thing weighing on my mind is we are going to my inlaws this weekend for an entire week. I will hear over and over again baby questions. I wonder if it's just time to come clean with them. My husband really doesn't want to because he doesn't want advice and suggestions. I kind of think they should know considering we are about 75% sure we are going to meet with an adoption agency next year. I just don't want to smile and deflect baby questions for the next week. I think I'm out of fake cheer and grace. Help me find it again. I will really really need it next week.

Huge hugs, but also time for some tough love. As hard as your situation is, it is just not good friendship to begrudge your friend her celebration and happiness. Your difficulties are not her fault, and she deserves the full force of your friendship and love. Sure, it is hard when you are struggling so mightily, but do you really want to be one of those people that people have to tiptoe around and not share their tremendous news because it might hurt you? At some point you have to separate and compartmentalize your own sadness and frustration from the rest of your life. There can be a happy medium where it doesn't have to be fake cheer. You will hopefully be able to find a place where you can realize how truly happy you are for your friend while realizing that her happiness isn't meant as a negative to you, rather a positive with which you can share and enjoy.

As for family, that is the toughest. We were TTC for four years and the pointed questions and comments can be overwhelming. What I found worked the best for me was to constantly keep in my head that as annoying as these people could be, they were coming from a place of love, not nastiness. And, if you haven't shared what is going on, they can not be expected to read your mind.

 

[JerseyJanice]

Aww.

I wish I could give you some helpful advice, and I should be able to, because I've been down the same road, but I can't think of anything.

I suffered with secondary infertility, and it took me years to get over the emotional pain of it. In fact, the one thing that did "help" me was the realization after a great family tragedy that it wasn't the worst thing that could happen.

I went through years of feeling pain and jealousy every time someone I knew got pregnant or had a baby. More than once I said spiteful things that I wished I could take back. You just have to keep a stiff upper lip, I suppose.

 

[tlbwriter]

I'm sorry. I've been there and it really stinks.

First, don't worry about your friend. You will be happy for her when you can, but you also have to leave room to be sad for yourself. Don't listen to those who tell you you're being selfish and bitter or "begrudging her happiness." You're not wishing she didn't have a baby, so those statements are unfounded. You're simply wishing YOU could have a baby as well, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Her situation is a painful reminder of your own situation, so of course it's going to be hard to deal with. Since she knows what's going on, I'd tell her (email if it's easier) that you're very happy for her, but your sadness over your own lack of success makes it difficult for you to participate in baby talk. If she's really a friend, she will understand. And if she says "But you should be happy for meeeeeeee" (as if her feelings and life events should have more of an impact on you than your own) then blame it on hormones and avoid her for the next several months.

As for the ILs... that's hard. Sometimes they keep bringing it up because they're afraid you're waiting and they always seem to think you have no idea that your fertility is declining. This is what happened with my mom... when I finally told her "Actually, we've been trying, it's not working, and we're seeing a specialist," she stopped asking. My MIL, on the other hand, was the one with advice. "I did this and I got pregnant!" Yes, but you weren't infertile. I'd ask your husband if the questions and suggestions are likely to be more painful or irritating than the questions and comments you're already getting.

Anyway. Many hugs to you, and I hope you see success soon.

 

[diznygirl]

I'm no help. I once told my MIL that she should adopt if she wanted babies so badly.

But I second the poster who said don't share too much personal info with your family. Your situation is a roller coaster as you described, and they will take anything you say as gospel truth. If you say "We think" they will turn it around to "they will be adopting next year."

Take a break - you'll find the good grace to feel happy for your friend. It really is a blessing, and hopefully you will have yours soon as well.

 

[AKL_Megs]

One of my oldest friends in the entire world is pregnant. She told me several weeks ago. It was an unplanned blessing. I listened as long as I could and made an excuse to hang up. I haven't called back since. I don't want to hear the celebration details and the baby stuff and all the planning. I don't want to imagine having to fly home for a shower and seeing her pregnant.

The other night I was told my 17 year old nephew is going to be a daddy. I just rolled my eyes and said something ugly about it. I don't want to buy something or celebrate this either.

I'm feeling completely rotten about my friend though. She does know about my situation to an extent with some of testing and things going on. I don't want to ignore her. I have to get into a better mind set. A baby is always a blessing and she will be a great mom.

The other thing weighing on my mind is we are going to my inlaws this weekend for an entire week. I will hear over and over again baby questions. I wonder if it's just time to come clean with them. My husband really doesn't want to because he doesn't want advice and suggestions. I kind of think they should know considering we are about 75% sure we are going to meet with an adoption agency next year. I just don't want to smile and deflect baby questions for the next week. I think I'm out of fake cheer and grace. Help me find it again. I will really really need it next week.

So real suggestions, just thoughts.

I am so sorry you are going through these things. I know deep down, you are happy for your friend, but just so frustrated for yourself. It just isn't FAIR! You want this so badly, and it came so easily (and without ANY planning) to your friend, and now she has to "rub it in your face". I'm sure that is not her intent, but I am sure it feels that way. Of course she is happy, but it hurts you.

I hope you find some peace. Life just isn't fair, but I know that when it happens... however it happens... it will be just so wonderful, and you will be blessed.

 

[RitaE]

Sorry Tina

Maybe you could just write up a State of the Uterus Fact Sheet and hand it out whenever anybody starts in with the rudeness.

 

[NotUrsula]

I've BT, and my take on it is that IF you have the sort of friends or family who are likely to pry, then you need to make them aware of the situation BUT set limits on how much discussion there will be. In regard to your inlaws, the best course is likely to be having your DH take them aside and tell them that there are medical issues, that he will announce when there is something to announce and not before, and that they should not pester you about it because the whole situation is stressful enough without having to talk it to death. Sex is private, and you have the right not to want to discuss details with anyone other than your physicians.

In regard to your friends, I'm with the PP who recommended tough love. Much as it seems that every announcement is a reproach, it really isn't. You can't let this situation devour the rest of your life. I know this from experience, too -- I withdrew for the same reason, and people got very resentful toward me for what they saw as inexplicable avoidance. The infertility was overcome, but the resulting loneliness is still very much a part of my life, as people are very reluctant to forgive me for the way I withdrew over the course of several years. If you get a little emotional around babies, most people will just chalk it up to being a softie. but if you avoid babies, I find that people will take it personally.

 

[tlbwriter]

I know this from experience, too -- I withdrew for the same reason, and people got very resentful toward me for what they saw as inexplicable avoidance. The infertility was overcome, but the resulting loneliness is still very much a part of my life, as people are very reluctant to forgive me for the way I withdrew over the course of several years.

But in this case, it wouldn't be an inexplicable withdrawal - the friend knows what she's going through.

 

[cabanafrau]

Especially in light of such an old friendship just communicate w/ your friend via whatever means works best for you. Simply lay it on the line with her -- I'm overjoyed with your happy news & I know you'll make a great mom. I hope you understand if I'm not able to join in on your happy baby planning right now because we've been struggling so hard for our own baby & it's not working out right now, etc.

As for the in-laws I would tell them it's an issue that you've been working on for some time, no news yet and you're really not ready to discuss it beyond that, period.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Another tough love message - you need to focus on all of the great things going on in your life, not on this. If this is causing you so much grief that it is creating resentment, then you need to talk to someone.

Do not allow this one issue to define you, or to come between you and friends/family.

Good luck!