Ouch, I guess I am an unknowing influence..has to do with socializing

[Silent1CB]

Where is this so called "blame" coming from? Was this the result after turning in her homework? Is daughter blaming you? Teacher? Or yourself?

People live differently. Not everyone can be in the "in" group. So, she's in a different group. So what?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Where is this so called "blame" coming from? Was this the result after turning in her homework? Is daughter blaming you? Teacher? Or yourself?

People live differently. Not everyone can be in the "in" group. So, she's in a different group. So what?

There is no "blame" except for the OP beating herself up.

Her dd is dissecting peers/groups and how they shape you from a psychological standpoint growing up.

 

[mjkacmom]

Just want to give some information from the other side. I live in a nice town, and even my dad grew up here. There are a lot of long-timers. My parents were pretty well off (better off than us ), and I had a lot of opportunities. i belong to 3 bunco groups. I am on a few PTO committees. My kids are involved in a lot of activities (their choice), and we do have a couple of privates each week. When the kids were little, I had a few playgroups each year. Because of all this, I have many groups of friends, just like I did in HS. I am pretty much clueless who doesn't like who - I just like other people!

I have no agenda at all. DH has coached many teams, because he likes kids, and likes sports. The only issue some parents seem to have with him is that he's not competitive enough, especially with travel.

My parents are the same way (they had meetings several times a week), as is my sister. I don't know if it's inherited or learned, but some people are just people people, and some like to keep to themselves. Not all social women are vultures.

 

[Christine]

Socialness is part of the genetic makeup of a person's personality. Certainly the parents can contribute to that baseline trait by helping a less social child be a bit more comfortable in social situations; however, the parent's "socialness" isn't really going to change what is in the child. The biggest indicator in your post is that since you are not very social, more than likely, that is the reason that your daughter is not. It wasn't merely your actions, but the genetic hand you passed down to her.

I have met a few parents who were true introverts and "on the sidelines" people who had kids who were born wanting to do it all (sports, activities, etc). Their lack of socialness did not thwart the child--the child was quite driven to do those things despite the fact that their dad wasn't the soccer coach, their mom wasn't the PTA treasurer, etc.

 

[iwrbnd]

Socialness is part of the genetic makeup of a person's personality. Certainly the parents can contribute to that baseline trait by helping a less social child be a bit more comfortable in social situations; however, the parent's "socialness" isn't really going to change what is in the child. The biggest indicator in your post is that since you are not very social, more than likely, that is the reason that your daughter is not. It wasn't merely your actions, but the genetic hand you passed down to her.

I have met a few parents who were true introverts and "on the sidelines" people who had kids who were born wanting to do it all (sports, activities, etc). Their lack of socialness did not thwart the child--the child was quite driven to do those things despite the fact that their dad wasn't the soccer coach, their mom wasn't the PTA treasurer, etc.

I agree with this! I think I'm the same way in my town as I was in high school. I'm friends with a lot of people but don't like to do a lot of social gatherings. It is who I am no matter what town I'm in. I'm happy that way.

 

[agnes!]

I think this thread might be one of my favorite ones I have *ever* read here on the DIS, lots of interesting and deep concepts, honest assessments, generosity...I'm going to bookmark it so I don't somehow 'lose' it.

agnes!

 

[iwrbnd]

You know, I've been thinking about this a lot this morning while I'm spring cleaning and I have some new thoughts about it. I wonder if it isn't the other way around...popular kids make popular parents.

When my kids were younger I was super involved and knew everybody. As my kids got older and have had some issues (mildly on autism spectrum) they began to drop out of many activities. The other moms are still very nice to me and we're still friends but I'm not with them anymore. They get together after sports games or cheer meetings and their kids are playing at each others homes. We aren't there anymore and it's awkward and inconvenient to invite me now. I'm not a popular mom anymore on committees and going to people's houses. If they were on the teams or doing super well in school I guess I would be more inclined to be more supportive of those groups and organizations. Instead I'm putting my energy into helping them succeed in everyday life.

I'm much more to myself now. It's okay. I understand why and I don't mind. I'm too tired to keep up anyway. It's less stress this way!

 

[Planogirl]

I am also not a social person and to be honest I only participate in those school functions that I have to. I tried at first but I always felt like a fish out of water and my discomfort got old after a while. I think that it's better to have a happy mother than a unhappy mother who tries to be involved.

DS is also not sociable now though so I hope that I didn't cause that. He's quiet and a little shy and not much of a joiner. I'm clueless on how to help him move beyond that because that's exactly how I am too!

 

[Buckalew11]

But see, you are the type of person/friend that I am *attracted* to. I just don't climb social ladders. Those are not the type of people I tend to feel a "realness" from.

Back when DH and I were dating 25 yrs. ago I told him that if he was looking for that type of girl to marry, I was the wrong one. I knew from the job I had that the social circles of my town were not for me. There is a competitiveness and fakeness that I just don't tolerate well. Give me real, down to earth people. lol

So often the people who are very social and doing everything and are the who's who, are unfulfilled and unhappy and don't even enjoy it themselves but feel they have to. I know because I do their hair and it comes up often, lol. they are expected to do this, be there, drive this, live here etc. etc. I avoid it all like the plague!

But 9x out of 10, those same people are really nice and I enjoy them one on one. When they are with me, I think they do not feel the need to compete, quote prices etc. Others will call the ladies "*****es" which is very sad because most of these people are great, just under a lot of pressure to pretend and perform.

 

[bgirldeb]

bah!

I dare say your kids are ahead of the game. I bet they are bettered prepared for the 'real world' than their spoiled, 'popular' peers.

 

[FINFAN]

wow! Tons of great replies, lot's of points of view..thanks everyone! I think I am gong ot print this out and give to DD when I get her from school in a few weeks.I think she will like reading "real life" comments on her topic.
I also think I can replace the word "blame" in my title, lol...maybe use "influence" instead.

 

[dldwmom]

Love reading the responses to this! I have found that although I consider myself friendly, I am not the queen bee or social butterfly in groups, and have wondered if I have hindered the family because of it. They have repeatedly told me no way, but it's nice to see this sentiment is not exclusive to me. Thanks to all the comments and thoughtful remarks.

 

[MoonFaerie]

What's Bunco?

My kids are pretty screwed, I guess. I'm the "weird" parent, and I NEVER fit in with the other moms.

But then again, my mom was never involved and we didn't have tons of money, and I still made it in to the popular groups without trying.

 

[Bluestars]

I'd look at it the other way. By not playing the game you saved your child from a life of misguided values, pettiness, and from becoming the mean girl that secretly everyone hates.
I think your daughter picked a GREAT topic!!!

That's how I see it too. If the "in" crowd is a group of kids who think they are better than others, then it's probably a good thing that she wasn't included in that group. Better to have real friends who value you as a person and not friends who associate with you because of superficial reasons.

My dd is a very creative person and was never one to follow the crowd. I am proud of the young lady that she has become and that she always treated others with kindness while growing up. Popularity means nothing once you graduate from high school.

My younger brother was a nerdy kid. But now he makes a very nice salary, is married to a lovely person, and they have a beautiful family and many friends.

 

[Disney Doll]

When I was growing up, my mother was a bit "older" than a lot of the other mothers of my peers. She got married at the age of 28, had my brother at the age of 32 and me at the age of 37. We're talking the 50's and 60's, when many people got married right out of high school and had kids, so getting married at age 28 was NOT the norm back then.

Because she was a bit older than a lot of my peers' moms, she had a very different way of looking at things. She was a SAHM, so she did do PTA, school library mother, hot dog mom, football mom, volleyball mom and so on and so on....But she was not one to coddle, she did not suffer fools at all. I recall being about 13 and having one of my friend's mom talk baout how my friend was her "best friend" and my mother looked right at her and said "You mean at your age you can't do better than a 13 year old friend?". I was not super popular, but I was the kind of kid who got along with everyone...I could flow between all the "cliques" in school, pretty much no one had a problem with me. I also learned early on from my mother that it was OK as a woman to have opinions and speak them. I learned how to cope with life.