Ouch, I guess I am an unknowing influence..has to do with socializing

[FINFAN]

DD was explaining an assignment in psych class, they had to draw on a personal experience, if possible. DD selected how your parents social interaction can affect your own social acceptance by peers.
Yep, you kow where this is headed and it isn't very flattering for me or DH
I guess since I was not a Bunco regular, PTA guru, or start my kids in utero in sports and schoool related activities, my kids were/are on the loser list as I am not a popular parent. I did not hang with the popular parents and expose my kids to the kids of said popular parents..we did not have endless funds to go to lunches with the mom's or ladies night out, DH is not a golfer, we do not own dirt bikes or have the taj mahal finished basement for rightous parties.We did some park district sports when we could, but no private sports lessons...so our kids are not the "best" at anything. So, apparently we( and mostly me as the mom, I get more blame than DH) the reason the kids were on the outside "fringe" of groups and never really in the in crowd. I asked DD if she is permanently scarred for life...she was laughing and said no, she was not into the "prep" club anyway ( she is in art school, finally amongst her "kind" of misfit people- her words)but she knew it would be a decent topic and that given her college peers it would indeed strike a chord and be discussed, as it was and she did get an A.
However, it did get me thinking, I imagine I made life much harder for my kids than it had/has to be without even knowing it. We live in a HIGHLY competitive town, we used to say the motto at our grade school was "kill or be killed". I have never been compfortable with a lot of the phony one upsmanship here and have not joined in on many social situations due to money but also due to the fact that it was so depressing. I tried Bunco for a year or 2, but all the conversations were about who coud outdecorate who, outjewelry who, how successful their DH was, who had the best maid service, just not my world. But now I am worried that my choices hurt theirs. Anyone else know this all along and play the game? Seriously, I feel terrible!

 

[OzFan]

You are not to blame. I swear, I think people make up crap to make us parents feel like we are to blame for everything from slouched shoulders to global warming. I have played both sides of this game. When my oldest 2 daughters were in grade school, I did it all. PTA President, Fundraising, Softball Coach, BUNCO and every other little thing that came around. Was I happy? NO. I felt overwhelmed and underappreciated. My daughters formed friendships that have stood longer than most of the marriages of their friends parents.

When we moved from our tight knit community, I decided enough was enough. I started fresh. No PTA, No Softball, No BUNCO, No nothing. It's ME, ME, ME! And guess what? I AM HAPPY! My other 2 daughters are just fine. They have great friends, they participate in what they want to, and if the teacher needs paper plates for a party, heck I'll send anything she wants.

I guess what I'm saying is, your kids will make their way in this world reguardless of what you do or don't do socially. You are confident in what you are and that will believe it or not rub off on your children. As my grandma always said to my husband, "If mommy isn't happy, then NOBODY's happy!"
Best advice he said he has ever gotten. I hope this helps!

 

[TheZue]

DD was explaining an assignment in psych class, they had to draw on a personal experience, if possible. DD selected how your parents social interaction can affect your own social acceptance by peers.
Yep, you kow where this is headed and it isn't very flattering for me or DH
I guess since I was not a Bunco regular, PTA guru, or start my kids in utero in sports and schoool related activities, my kids were/are on the loser list as I am not a popular parent. I did not hang with the popular parents and expose my kids to the kids of said popular parents..we did not have endless funds to go to lunches with the mom's or ladies night out, DH is not a golfer, we do not own dirt bikes or have the taj mahal finished basement for rightous parties.We did some park district sports when we could, but no private sports lessons...so our kids are not the "best" at anything. So, apparently we( and mostly me as the mom, I get more blame than DH) the reason the kids were on the outside "fringe" of groups and never really in the in crowd. I asked DD if she is permanently scarred for life...she was laughing and said no, she was not into the "prep" club anyway ( she is in art school, finally amongst her "kind" of misfit people- her words)but she knew it would be a decent topic and that given her college peers it would indeed strike a chord and be discussed, as it was and she did get an A.
However, it did get me thinking, I imagine I made life much harder for my kids than it had/has to be without even knowing it. We live in a HIGHLY competitive town, we used to say the motto at our grade school was "kill or be killed". I have never been compfortable with a lot of the phony one upsmanship here and have not joined in on many social situations due to money but also due to the fact that it was so depressing. I tried Bunco for a year or 2, but all the conversations were about who coud outdecorate who, outjewelry who, how successful their DH was, who had the best maid service, just not my world. But now I am worried that my choices hurt theirs. Anyone else know this all along and play the game? Seriously, I feel terrible!

Don't feel badly. Those kids are big fish in tiny ponds, if they ever plan on leaving it would be tough for a few reasons. They are going to encounter people who are better off then they are, if their self worth is tied to what they can afford it's going to be tough on them. And they will also be trying to live up to that life style, they may not have gotten great lessons on how to live within your means. Besides, when I went to school the "In" crowd was comprised of about 10% of the kids, so really you have to ask which kids are REALLY the outsiders?

 

[marlynnp]

bah!

I dare say your kids are ahead of the game. I bet they are bettered prepared for the 'real world' than their spoiled, 'popular' peers.

 

[minkydog]

I guess since I was not a Bunco regular, PTA guru, or start my kids in utero in sports and schoool related activities, my kids were/are on the loser list as I am not a popular parent. I did not hang with the popular parents and expose my kids to the kids of said popular parents..we did not have endless funds to go to lunches with the mom's or ladies night out, DH is not a golfer, we do not own dirt bikes or have the taj mahal finished basement for rightous parties.We did some park district sports when we could, but no private sports lessons...so our kids are not the "best" at anything. So, apparently we( and mostly me as the mom, I get more blame than DH) the reason the kids were on the outside "fringe" of groups and never really in the in crowd. I asked DD if she is permanently scarred for life...she was laughing and said no, she was not into the "prep" club anyway ( she is in art school, finally amongst her "kind" of misfit people- her words)but she knew it would be a decent topic and that given her college peers it would indeed strike a chord and be discussed, as it was and she did get an A.
However, it did get me thinking, I imagine I made life much harder for my kids than it had/has to be without even knowing it. We live in a HIGHLY competitive town, we used to say the motto at our grade school was "kill or be killed". I have never been compfortable with a lot of the phony one upsmanship here and have not joined in on many social situations due to money but also due to the fact that it was so depressing. I tried Bunco for a year or 2, but all the conversations were about who coud outdecorate who, outjewelry who, how successful their DH was, who had the best maid service, just not my world. But now I am worried that my choices hurt theirs. Anyone else know this all along and play the game? Seriously, I feel terrible!

You know, my motto is "If my kids don't have anything to tell their therapist, I must be doing it wrong." I don't play Bunco, lunch with ladies,or shop for clothes and shoes. My DH is permanently disabled, as is my youngest son ( I mean, how much more different can you get?) I'm not a perfect parent either and I don't have perfect kids. Our children(especially our 1st & 2nd year college students ) have a different way of looking at life. I swear you couldh ask both of my older kids to describe the same event in their lives and you would hear two completely different stories.

Just because your college age daughter is telling you that you did things wrong, doesnt mean that *she* is right. You two have different perspectives. As parents we make the best decisions with the information and resourses that are available at the time. Sometimes that works out great and sometimes not. But we are who we are because of alllllll those experiences. I suspect that when she has children of her own, she will have a whole new outlook on things.

 

[FINFAN]

no....my DD isn't telling me I did things wrong at all!....she used that as a topic for her assignment, human behavior topic...she is not blaming us for anything on her social life, but in the info she had used for the paper, the following debate/discussions in class..she called to fill me in on what had transpired. I am now thinking my self about it all and wondering if my lack of fitting in" actually DID affect her and my DS social lives, without even knowing it. I had never thought about how my social life would impact theirs directly until now..and I know that makes ne a "duh" parent...I mean, my actions as in did I not make the right connections for them etc. No, my DD is not judging or blaming here...sorry I did not communicate that very well I guess.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Awwww....dont' feel terrible.

It doesn't doom the next generation. Your dd is wise beyond her years.



We do model behaviors and our children will pick that which is useful and hopefully discard the rest. It is a struggle that I do with what I have learned from my mother.

But part of my social upheavel was being a military brat. For your dd's discussion group, it would be hard to blame how I was socially--exlusively on my mom's social pattern.

 

[Tink888]

OP, I'm going to try not to turn my post into a novel but I can totally relate to everything you wrote. I have always been a bit of an introvert. I did get involved with the PTO and my kids tried different sports when they were smaller but I never worked very hard at trying to befriend the parents and push friendships for my kids. We've never been a family to throw (or attend) neighborhood get togethers. I find all that social stuff exhausting. I don't know why, I just do.

Sometimes I look at my kid's peers (and their parents) who DO all of that and I wish I had tried harder to be more social for the sake of my kids. It's just not me though. My kids do have friends, and they are social but sometimes I wonder what they'll be like when they're grown. Will they be people who are "in" or will they be more on the fringe like me, with just a few close friends?

I hope I didn't do them a huge dis-service. We're a close family and we spend a lot of time together so in that way I think we're better off than a lot of families. I think I'm a pretty good parent in a lot of other ways. They are pretty happy kids. They're smart too so I hope that whatever I didn't give them socially growing up, in their lifetime, if they feel something is lacking then I hope they are able to find ways to do things different than me and fulfill themselves with what they need to be happy.

As parents I think we all do the best we can. It's an unreasonable and impossible expectation to put ourselves to be able to change WHO we are for the sake of giving our kids a better social life. I don't think I ever would have been very happy trying to be someone I'm not so maybe by being myself and true to who I am, and being happy with who I am, I'm giving my kids something just as valuable.

And my post turned into a novel anyway......

 

[pearlieq]

But it doesn't sound like your DD even wants the "connections" that you may have been able to schmooze or purchase for her. What would have have even gotten her anyway? The chance to play Bunco herself in 15 years?

Is she healthy and happy? Does she have friends or is she at least open to new friends? Does she have goals and dreams?

Obviously she has time in college to sit around pondering how her parents social choices have affected her life. I think that puts her life situation ahead of 99.5% of the world.

I guess my overall take on this is why borrow trouble? If she's not hurting or unhappy, why make yourself feel that way?

 

[FINFAN]

thanks all, I just never thought about how my not "playing the game" could affect how my kids were loooked upon, etc. DD has great friendships at college, had a regular group in HS, but said she found "real" friends in college. I did ask what gave her that topic idea, she said there were some general ideas thrown out by the teacher, and along the lines of now that you are older do you understand family choices better than you did in the past. She said the class started brainstorming and one kid said he wished he wasn't stuck hanging out at the neighbors all the time because now it's awkward as the parents no longer get along, or something like that...and DD came up with the concept of how your parents socializing may affect/direct the outcome of your teen social life. They were to focus on teen years I guess.Even tho DD is telling me she is fine, was fine, see no reason she won't continue to be fine, I suddenly felt this dooming feeling of guilt, that the OTHER parents were playing the game for their kids right in front of my eyes, and I didn't do the same of r my kids..I was more concerned with myself not enjoying it, not concerned with laying the groundwork for their social success. DS is 15 and not really in solid group...pretty social at school I guess, on the tennis team...goofball actually, but now that I have this theory in my head, I am stressing that I dropped the ball for him too...now that kid would love to be part of a popular crowd, or at least a crowd that has regular hang out spots, parties, whatever the case may be,but then again he would be happy playing paintball 24/7 too with a bunch of stangers all doing the same thing. Oh well, I guess as a parent we never quite know if we made all the right choices...I'm learning as I go!

 

[EllaM]

That reminds me of Auntie Mame when the nephew goes off to some snotty school and befriends the "right sort of people" to his more openminded aunt's horror. Sometimes the "right people" are actually the "wrong people" to teach you about values and individuality.

 

[disneyaddicted]

I get what you're saying OP. I tried to be the room mother and join the PTO, it just wasn't my thing. In our town it's really who you are, and I'm a nobody here considering I wasn't born and raised it, but married into this place and my DH's family were not very social people and do not come from money.

I grew up military, it always seemed equal in all my schools, the officers kids hung out with the NCO's kids at what not. I didn't believe my in laws when they told me my kids would be able to play sports but mostly as a bench warmer.

My DD was a competition cheerleader before she tried out for the school squad, she was a flyer and tumbler on her comp squad, on her school squad she was always a back back spot. I thought it would take time for the coach's to learn her talent, I mean surely they would let all the girls try something new, mix and match ya know. It never happened. I attended all the cheer mom meets, I volunteered for everything, mostly I would get the designated clean up after the parties or fundraisers spot. But I did it with a smile, after all I was earning my way, or so I thought. I tried to join in with the other moms, but I was always left sitting at the games by myself. then one day a cheer coach position opened up in the school, I was already coaching a comp squad, (not my daughters) I was certified and insured by ACCAA. I applied and got the job, and you wouldn't you know it, all of a sudden I was mis popular, and so was my DD, parents wanted to be my friend now, and DD's cheer coeach all of a sudden discovered what a good flyer my DD was and that she was actually capable of of basing stunts as well, not just standing in the back.

I enjoyed my coaching job at the school, I was fair, I let each girl try things, I showcased their talents based on their ability to do it safe and right, each girl got to shine.

It's a shame how things are, my DD finally quit cheering, she's never been happier. I don't want to say it was small town behavior because I have lived in small towns before and never experienced that. I just remember growing up and it not being so hard as it is now.

But it seems your DD has turned out great, and really that was a good study. I'm glad she got an A.

 

[dollarmite]

That reminds me of Auntie Mame when the nephew goes off to some snotty school and befriends the "right sort of people" to his more openminded aunt's horror. Sometimes the "right people" are actually the "wrong people" to teach you about values and individuality.

When I was about 12 my grandmother urged me to learn/play tennis so that I would meet the 'right' people. (I wasn't aware I was socialising with the 'wrong' people).

I was partnered for a couple of years with a nice enough girl. We got on well, she was polite etc.

A few years later I moved away from the area. I later learned that my ex tennis partner had been jailed for murder. Also learned her home life was less than stellar, despite outward appearances.

So much for meeting/mixing with the 'right' people.

 

[Acklander]

I'd look at it the other way. By not playing the game you saved your child from a life of misguided values, pettiness, and from becoming the mean girl that secretly everyone hates.
I think your daughter picked a GREAT topic!!!

 

[goofyernmost]

Parenting cannot be forced. You are what you are. Making believe that the other stuff (terminal socializing) is more important than love and caring is about the dumbest thing a parent can do.

I wasn't a highly social parent. I attended all my kids shows, concerts and activities but never forced them to do them. Their life was theirs, socially, and I couldn't have begun to know what was best for their individual selves. (qualified by saying that bad influences were addressed) I always went to the teacher/parent conferences but I also thought that the PTA was a group of pretentious know it all ladder climbers, that were only there for the attention. I don't recall a single useful thing that they ever really accomplished accept for the ability to say that they "cared so much for their children that they were willing to sacrifice their valuable time to 'help' the kids."

We are a product of our upbringing and I bristle at the thought that some outside grouping can say that any different life style is wrong. Just can't handle that type of judgmental ego.

 

[Patricia]

Having one college graduate and one half way through, I have been in your shoes. As our children leave our little bubble, they are bound to look back to analyze the world in which they were raised with some scrutiny. Kudos to your daughter for using it to complete course work. That being said, every single thing we do as parents is going to affect our children, that is what a parent is about. Every choice we make, everything we expose them to, every sight they see, it's all going to make an imprint on their personality and their future. That is what makes being a parent so important! Of course you made choices that she is now looking at and seeing how they made her who she is. That is what is supposed to happen. It is the time for you ( and me!) to look back and see how we did. We are being graded so to speak.
I remember when my first daughter was born. I was an idealistic young mother, out to show the world ( and my parents) that I could do it better. I was going to make her the most talented, most beautiful, most intelligent.... blah blah blah. As I got a little older, I realized that I wanted a productive and caring member of society. She has met that goal and is out making her own path, with all the imprints of our choices permanently on her heart and mind. We did the best we could, kept her safe, fed her, educated her, and did what we thought was right. Those choices have produced an adult and are part of who she is. I know I can look in the mirror and say every single thing I did was out of love. THat is as simple as it gets. I am sure you can do the same and simply by her telling you what she wrote, it tells me she feels it too! Hard being a parent of older kids isn't it? Hugs to you!

 

[OceanAnnie]

DD was explaining an assignment in psych class, they had to draw on a personal experience, if possible. DD selected how your parents social interaction can affect your own social acceptance by peers.
Yep, you kow where this is headed and it isn't very flattering for me or DH
I guess since I was not a Bunco regular, PTA guru, or start my kids in utero in sports and schoool related activities, my kids were/are on the loser list as I am not a popular parent. I did not hang with the popular parents and expose my kids to the kids of said popular parents..we did not have endless funds to go to lunches with the mom's or ladies night out, DH is not a golfer, we do not own dirt bikes or have the taj mahal finished basement for rightous parties.We did some park district sports when we could, but no private sports lessons...so our kids are not the "best" at anything. So, apparently we( and mostly me as the mom, I get more blame than DH) the reason the kids were on the outside "fringe" of groups and never really in the in crowd. I asked DD if she is permanently scarred for life...she was laughing and said no, she was not into the "prep" club anyway ( she is in art school, finally amongst her "kind" of misfit people- her words)but she knew it would be a decent topic and that given her college peers it would indeed strike a chord and be discussed, as it was and she did get an A.
However, it did get me thinking, I imagine I made life much harder for my kids than it had/has to be without even knowing it. We live in a HIGHLY competitive town, we used to say the motto at our grade school was "kill or be killed". I have never been compfortable with a lot of the phony one upsmanship here and have not joined in on many social situations due to money but also due to the fact that it was so depressing. I tried Bunco for a year or 2, but all the conversations were about who coud outdecorate who, outjewelry who, how successful their DH was, who had the best maid service, just not my world. But now I am worried that my choices hurt theirs. Anyone else know this all along and play the game? Seriously, I feel terrible!

I used to be more social. I'm just not into it now. Somehow being social comes with a lot of expectations. I don't need the extra expectations/pressure. Also, I have found the more I volunteer at the school the more is expected. So I'm pretty careful about how much and what I chose to do.

We kind of do our own thing. I sign the kids up sports and activities they like (which so far hasn't been offered by the school). We rarely run into kids from their school, even when we are out and about in the immediate area. They have friends in class. The up side is the kids are making friends with kids from all over. I don't know if there is a down side.

 

[PatsGirl]

I'd look at it the other way. By not playing the game you saved your child from a life of misguided values, pettiness, and from becoming the mean girl that secretly everyone hates.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

But now I am worried that my choices hurt theirs. Anyone else know this all along and play the game? Seriously, I feel terrible!

You are who you are.

It is a lot of "work" to be in the popular crowd and my girls have/had no desire to put the effort into being in that group. You have to "be" a certain way to hang with them. Case in point, my 7th grader refuses to wear "in" clothes, make up, etc...just to fit in with a group. She prefers her "nerdy group" as she puts it.

Me and my girls talked about this topic frequently and they assured me that they could care less about the "popular group". They consider themselves individuals.

And yes, we talk a lot of psychology here.

 

[gregokdisney]

I don't think the parents' choices really have all that much to do with how their kids turned out. I think a kids' popularity depends on their own personality and some kind of random karma or luck.

When I was a kid, I wasn't one of the popular kids. My parents did none of those things. I was an introvert and didn't fit in. I wasn't disliked, but didn't run with the popular crowd. However, I got along with everyone and had my own set of friends. The popular crowd, though, had several members whose parents were downright dysfunctional and did LESS to help their child's status than mine did. One girls' mom was completely mentally ill. I realize now she really had it tough, but she was a pom pom girl, a singer, and very popular.

I tried to do more for my kids to get them involved, such as sports and organizations, but I really dislike all that, so I've let it slide. DD still plays basketball and is very good at it and has played every year since KG with the same girls, so we've formed some bonds there. She is also a girl scout, but our troop is not that active. I don't go to bunco nights or meet anyone for lunch. I rarely talk to other moms since I work full time and my mom does school pick up and drop off. However, my husband and I are watching my daughter turn into one of the popular girls right before our eyes. We are both stunned, having neither been a popular kid. She is best friends with the girl whose mom is the PTO lady, the bunco lady, the school volunteer lady, etc. I get along great with that mom, even though I do NONE of those things. DD runs with a group of about 6-8 girls that have that vibe of being well liked, successful, and the ones that others want to hang out with. I don't understand it. These girls are very sweet though, and there's no mean girl vibe like there can be in that situation, so as long as that continues, I guess I will let this unfold!