Other people "parenting" my kids...

[Jambo82]

OMG!!! This totally reminded me of our last trip to Disney just his past May. My DS2 had fallen asleep in his stroller. My DH and DD7 had gone into Mickey's Philharmagic. I was walking around the front of the theatre outside so he would continue to sleep. Anyway, this woman walked by and gave me a dirty look. She then came back and told me his head needed to be moved because it was up agains the plastic bar and looked painful. I was very nice and thanked her but said that it was not bothering him since he was sound asleep and he would move if it was uncomfortable. She left in a huff, then turned around and came back and moved his head. Wouldn't you know that he woke up screaming because she woke him. She didn't say anything about it. I was shocked. I would NEVER lay my hand on another child. Especially, a sleeping baby. I was so mad.

Someone would be knocked unconscious if they touched my child.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't think it is a good thing to go around challenging what are considered by most to be reasonable rules/laws....
And, clearly, complete and total subjection to any and all adults is very very problematic as well.

But, NO WAY is my child instructed to blindly respect or be subject to anyone. That kind of 'obey me' respect, IMHO, has to be earned... Either this respect is given and required thru ones actual job position... or it must be earned..... There is a real risk for children here... A real 'slippery slope'.

Just by virtue of being an adult gives nobody else any free reign over my child.
Especially if I am anywhere in the vicinity.

Just because there are 'those parents' out there, some of who arguably should not have kids.... I am in NO way prepared to hand over my parental rights.

It is not either black or white here....
It is not total subjection to any and every adult, or total chaos.....
Anybody who is using that kind of argument to say that they have the right to discipline my child, would be very, very, wrong.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Noooo...No touchie! That is a punchable offense....or at the very least, one that would have had me screaming for security.

I thought the same thing. If she went to touch my child I would have grabbed her myself and I can assure you it would hurt.

 

[Jambo82]

But, NO WAY is my child instructed to blindly respect or be subject to anyone. That kind of 'obey me' respect, IMHO, has to be earned... Either this respect is given and required thru ones actual job position... or it must be earned..... There is a real risk for children here... A real 'slippery slope'.

Just by virtue of being an adult gives nobody else any free reign over my child.
Especially if I am anywhere in the vicinity.

Agree with this.

 

[ccgirl]

I don't think it is a good thing to go around challenging what are considered by most to be reasonable rules/laws....
And, clearly, complete and total subjection to any and all adults is very very problematic as well.

But, NO WAY is my child instructed to blindly respect or be subject to anyone. That kind of 'obey me' respect, IMHO, has to be earned... Either this respect is given and required thru ones actual job position... or it must be earned..... There is a real risk for children here... A real 'slippery slope'.

Just by virtue of being an adult gives nobody else any free reign over my child.
Especially if I am anywhere in the vicinity.

Just because there are 'those parents' out there, some of who arguably should not have kids.... I am in NO way prepared to hand over my parental rights.

It is not either black or white here....
It is not total subjection to any and every adult, or total chaos.....
Anybody who is using that kind of argument to say that they have the right to discipline my child, would be very, very, wrong.

I do agree with this to a certain point but who is to decide what is "reasonable?" If my child is in the care of another adult, IMHO they have every night to discipline my child as long as they do not touch them or verbally abuse them. What job positions are considered ones who have earned respect? As you stated, it is not black or white here as there can be many different scenarios.

 

[Jambo82]

I do agree with this to a certain point but who is to decide what is "reasonable?" If my child is in the care of another adult, IMHO they have every night to discipline my child as long as they do not touch them or verbally abuse them. What job positions are considered ones who have earned respect? As you stated, it is not black or white here as there can be many different scenarios.

Example: Your child is at a house playing with friends (let's say there are 4 kids in total including your child). The adult in charge says to the other 3 that they can go swim. That adult says to your daughter that she can't swim, she has to read a book instead. Is that acceptable? Shouldn't your child stand up for herself and challenge that. I sure would let my kids challenge that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If my child is in the care of another adult, .....

If you make a decision to leave your child under the care of another adult... whether it is the parent hosting a birthday party... The educators at school, etc... etc.... (situations are known to have 'house rules'), that is completely and totally different than various adults that you and/or may be around believing they have the right to discipline other people's children. So, I don't really find your argument to be valid.

If one determines that the 'house rules' in any given situation are not acceptable... don't leave your child there.

Again, one can paint with more and more shades of gray, or quote obvious extremes... to try to justify their 'adult right'... but simply put... IMHO, nobody has an inherent right to discipline another person's child. And, anyone who feels the need to take that on as a personal obligation might possibly have some issues.

 

[ENSOCK]

Well my issue is DS11 has his assistant coach from football who makes a point to correct my son constantly. If DS does not react the way he wants then he will "tattle" to me or DH. I finally had enough and told DH if he approached me again to tattle, he will leave with a tail. example the team of 21 boys went to eat at a mexican resturant after the game. My DS was cutting up as was the other 20 boys but he only corrected my son. Then he came to the table where DH and I was sitting to tell DH that DS was not listening to him. I was watching DS the whole time and he was not doing anything that the other 20 boys were not doing. I dared DH to correct him and after that decided that I was done with this father.

Both of my boys are good kids. They know what is expected of them and right from wrong. I normally don't have a problem with others correcting them if they see them doing something wrong but I expect them to correct their on kids too.

 

[Magpie]

Example: Your child is at a house playing with friends (let's say there are 4 kids in total including your child). The adult in charge says to the other 3 that they can go swim. That adult says to your daughter that she can't swim, she has to read a book instead. Is that acceptable? Shouldn't your child stand up for herself and challenge that. I sure would let my kids challenge that.

Actually, no... I do not think that's a situation my child should challenge.

First off, it's not my child's pool. The pool belongs to someone else, and fair or unfair my child has no right to use their pool without permission.

Secondly, WHY did this adult single my child out? Most people are not arbitrary and unfair. Perhaps my child has behaved dangerously in her pool in the past and is now "banned". Perhaps my child is the only non-swimmer and the adult doesn't want to have to get into the water with her. Perhaps my child was being naughty a moment earlier and this is her "time out".

Her house, her pool, her rules.

My children are allowed to say, "I don't think this is fair." They're allowed to call me and complain. But they are NOT allowed to directly challenge the owner of the pool and demand to be allowed to swim.

Now, I do think there are times when for safety reasons children should not be obedient. My children know that their bodies belong to them. They do not have to go anywhere or do anything just because an adult says so. I've taught them to be suspicious and talked to them openly about dangerous situations. They are always allowed to contact me, if a situation is upsetting them. I'm the rude mommy who says her kids don't have to kiss a relative, if they don't want to.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

Actually, no... I do not think that's a situation my child should challenge.

First off, it's not my child's pool. The pool belongs to someone else, and fair or unfair my child has no right to use their pool without permission.

Secondly, WHY did this adult single my child out? Most people are not arbitrary and unfair. Perhaps my child has behaved dangerously in her pool in the past and is now "banned". Perhaps my child is the only non-swimmer and the adult doesn't want to have to get into the water with her. Perhaps my child was being naughty a moment earlier and this is her "time out".

Her house, her pool, her rules.

My children are allowed to say, "I don't think this is fair." They're allowed to call me and complain. But they are NOT allowed to directly challenge the owner of the pool and demand to be allowed to swim.

Now, I do think there are times when for safety reasons children should not be obedient. My children know that their bodies belong to them. They do not have to go anywhere or do anything just because an adult says so. I've taught them to be suspicious. They are always allowed to contact me, if a situation is upsetting them. I'm the rude mommy who says her kids don't have to kiss a relative, if they don't want to.

I agree with all of this one hundred percent. And, I can only speak from my experience, the kids that think it is fine to challenge all authority and tell you that their parents are the only ones that can correct/direct them are some of the main ones having issues with authority (teachers/coaches, BOSSES) later -- and the ones for whom I will not take the responsibility of having at my house. My house, my rules. And that goes for my car, my lake house, my pool, if I have them at a store, restaurant or wherever. If I am taking on the responsibility as the adult in charge of someone else's children, I expect to be listened to and given the same respect they should give their parents. Just as my kids know to listen to whomever is the parent in charge of them.

 

[C.Ann]

Actually, no... I do not think that's a situation my child should challenge.

First off, it's not my child's pool. The pool belongs to someone else, and fair or unfair my child has no right to use their pool without permission.

Secondly, WHY did this adult single my child out? Most people are not arbitrary and unfair. Perhaps my child has behaved dangerously in her pool in the past and is now "banned". Perhaps my child is the only non-swimmer and the adult doesn't want to have to get into the water with her. Perhaps my child was being naughty a moment earlier and this is her "time out".

Her house, her pool, her rules.

My children are allowed to say, "I don't think this is fair." They're allowed to call me and complain. But they are NOT allowed to directly challenge the owner of the pool and demand to be allowed to swim.

Now, I do think there are times when for safety reasons children should not be obedient. My children know that their bodies belong to them. They do not have to go anywhere or do anything just because an adult says so. I've taught them to be suspicious and talked to them openly about dangerous situations. They are always allowed to contact me, if a situation is upsetting them. I'm the rude mommy who says her kids don't have to kiss a relative, if they don't want to.

I agree with all of this one hundred percent. And, I can only speak from my experience, the kids that think it is fine to challenge all authority and tell you that their parents are the only ones that can correct/direct them are some of the main ones having issues with authority (teachers/coaches, BOSSES) later -- and the ones for whom I will not take the responsibility of having at my house. My house, my rules. And that goes for my car, my lake house, my pool, if I have them at a store, restaurant or wherever. If I am taking on the responsibility as the adult in charge of someone else's children, I expect to be listened to and given the same respect they should give their parents. Just as my kids know to listen to whomever is the parent in charge of them.

Both of you make excellent points - which I agree with..

 

[almburr]

I know the feeling. DS10 was around 4 or so, we were at a Jr.High bball game. DD was done so I decided that we were going to go on home and not stay for the boys game. Im trying to gather up kids (5 of them) Well son throws a fit clings to the back rests, I feel totally ashamed as a parent that I couldint control my own kid or pry him off. We are a small town and every one knows each other (really we do). So a friend of mine came walking across the gym picks up son and carries him out to my car. One older lady says as I pass by 'Dont worry every parent has a moment like this you will look bck and laugh, but right now put the fear of God into that child' I laughed. DS has never done that again.

 

[Jambo82]

Actually, no... I do not think that's a situation my child should challenge.

First off, it's not my child's pool. The pool belongs to someone else, and fair or unfair my child has no right to use their pool without permission.

Secondly, WHY did this adult single my child out? Most people are not arbitrary and unfair. Perhaps my child has behaved dangerously in her pool in the past and is now "banned". Perhaps my child is the only non-swimmer and the adult doesn't want to have to get into the water with her. Perhaps my child was being naughty a moment earlier and this is her "time out".

Her house, her pool, her rules.

My children are allowed to say, "I don't think this is fair." They're allowed to call me and complain. But they are NOT allowed to directly challenge the owner of the pool and demand to be allowed to swim.

Now, I do think there are times when for safety reasons children should not be obedient. My children know that their bodies belong to them. They do not have to go anywhere or do anything just because an adult says so. I've taught them to be suspicious and talked to them openly about dangerous situations. They are always allowed to contact me, if a situation is upsetting them. I'm the rude mommy who says her kids don't have to kiss a relative, if they don't want to.

I'll respectfully disagree. My kids are smart kids and they know when something is wrong and I've taught them to stand up and fight it. Kind of like if a teacher is unfairly picking on a student.. they will stand up for that kid. This happened once before and I told the school not to bother me with this again.. I back my kids 100% unless they're committing a crime.

 

[hambirg]

Ok. . I haven't read all the posts. . .but kind of what Magpie was saying. I have taught my kids that they don't have to blindly follow authority. .. that includes me. They are free to think for themselves. . .in fact, I want them too. I want them to be able to assess a situation and come to their own conclusions. So far they have all done a good job at this. They know very well when and where and what they should be doing. I am just sooo not ok with telling them they need to obey all adults at all times. No way, no how! To me, obedience is not a virtue. It's a victim waiting to happen and I would never put my kids in that position.

 

[becpee]

I had an incident with my DS who couldn't find his kinder library book, I told him that when he got to kinder he had to tell the teacher that he couldn't find it and that when he got home he would be finding it.
We got to kinder and I said to the teacher "DS has something he has to tell you".
He said "I can't find my library book because I threw it somewhere"
Her response "oh thats ok, you can bring it in when you find it".

Not really what I was looking for, I expected him to be scolded, not to be told it's ok to lose a library book, I had to tell him that it's not ok to lose things, especially things that belong to other people.

I do expect other people to parent my children, to a point.
My DS stays at my sisters house, where the house rules extend to him, whatever they are.

 

[Magpie]

I'll respectfully disagree. My kids are smart kids and they know when something is wrong and I've taught them to stand up and fight it. Kind of like if a teacher is unfairly picking on a student.. they will stand up for that kid. This happened once before and I told the school not to bother me with this again.. I back my kids 100% unless they're committing a crime.

How would you have them "fight" the pool scenario? "I'm swimming in your pool, whether you like it or not!"

 

[kirstenb1]

How would you have them "fight" the pool scenario? "I'm swimming in your pool, whether you like it or not!"

Yeah, I was kind of wondering that too. If I can't trust a fellow parent to make a safety-based decision, no problem....my kid wouldn't be there in the first place.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

Yeah, I was kind of wondering that too. If I can't trust a fellow parent to make a safety-based decision, no problem....my kid wouldn't be there in the first place.

And on the flip side, if I know certain kids won't follow the rules of my house, and I know their parents don't encourage them to respect house rules, those kids will not be hanging out at my house.

 

[kirstenb1]

And on the flip side, if I know certain kids won't follow the rules of my house, and I know their parents don't encourage them to respect house rules, those kids will not be hanging out at my house.

Exactly!

 

[Jambo82]

Secondly, WHY did this adult single my child out? Most people are not arbitrary and unfair. Perhaps my child has behaved dangerously in her pool in the past and is now "banned". Perhaps my child is the only non-swimmer and the adult doesn't want to have to get into the water with her. Perhaps my child was being naughty a moment earlier and this is her "time out".

Where in my scenario did I mention that the child couldn't swim or was misbehaving earlier? I simply said the adult singled out your kid and told them they couldn't go in the pool with the other kids. Sounds like an adult just not liking 1 particular kid. So assuming that is the case: Yes I will allow my child to directly challenge the adult.

How would they fight it? Umm go jump in the pool.