OT: WWYD Re:DD8 Friend

[cari12]

In the past, my DD8 has always hung out with nice kids. We have always taught our kids to be nice and to be a good friend and they both have preferred the nicer kids at school. Well, lately DD has been hanging around with a girl at school that is very bossy and not very nice. She never used to like this girl (for those reasons) and now they are hanging out and she bullied my DD into telling one of her best friends since Kindergarten that she does not want to be her friend anymore.
How do I help DD with this? I do not want to see her alienate all of her other friends as a result of this girl but I also know I cannot tell her who to be friends with.

 

[kirstenb1]

We dealt with this when our dd was about that age. I told her nobody tells her who she can be friends with.

 

[KibbyCat]

Can you arrange a playdate for your daughter and her friend-since-Kindergarten? That way, your daughter can hang out with her friend without the pressures of the mean/bossy girl. (My daughter has struggled with this issue in the past, and the best way to nip it in the bud is to isolate the situation by getting her alone with her true friends so she can't be influenced by the troublemaker.) And I'd even go one step further and send the friend a written invitation to the playdate (and have your daughter write a sincere note of apology on it to the effect of, "sorry if I hurt your feelings; I am glad you're my friend, let's get together").

 

[mjkacmom]

And this won't be the first time. I'm glad dd went through it when she was 8 (I'm not your friend if you are friends with so and so, then telling my dd she wasn't her friend, and then say she was sorry the next day, then pulling the same cr@p the next day - this went on for over a year! Dd learned a lot from this "friendship" (which finally ended), and when it happened again with another friend going into middle school, she knew how to handle it, and has been friends with a large group of lovely NICE girls for years now.

You can't break up the friendship, but definitely let her know her friend is a bully, and she's not going to change. She'll figure it out - trust me.

 

[daisyduck123]

but I also know I cannot tell her who to be friends with.

Sure you can. I don't see why that would be a problem. She's 8 years old. You just tell her that this girl is not the kind of girl you want her hanging around with.

 

[DVCBELLE]

I find teaching my kids about friendship is the hardest thing about being a parent. I don't tell them they can't be friends but I do talk about the things their friends do and ask if that is how a TRUE friend acts.

My DS7 is friends with the troublemaker at school. When they are together the potty mouth words pick up and it drives me crazy (not bad potty mouth - just 7 year old boy crude humor). Recently he told me that he wasn't sure he wanted to be friends with him anymore b/c he tells lies to my son and his best friend about each other to try to tear them apart. I am so glad at 7 they have learned to talk and stick together and thankfully they handled this kid properly. I struggle with the whole situation b/c dad is currently deployed and I know things must be so hard for all of them. So we talk about being nice to him and when he does stuff that is upsetting to let him know that is not how friends treat each other. I think it is working b/c they all seem to be getting along better now.

The trick is helping your kids see how to model behavior and then hope they have the courage to do it. My DD9 does not...and she comes home with new drama all the time!

 

[DVCBELLE]

Sure you can. I don't see why that would be a problem. She's 8 years old. You just tell her that this girl is not the kind of girl you want her hanging around with.

You can stop playdates but you can't stop the interaction at school...I find it is better not to forbid friendships but better to help them make smart friend choices!

 

[daisyduck123]

You can stop playdates but you can't stop the interaction at school...I find it is better not to forbid friendships but better to help them make smart friend choices!

Well clearly, the OPs DD is not making smart friend choices. She even knew this kid was bad news long before becoming friendly with her. Enough has happened that I would tell my DD that she not hang around with this girl anymore during the "social" times at school (lunch & recess). This has to be the times when "bullying" and other not nice behavior has been occurring.

 

[Disneyrsh]

sure

 

[DVCBELLE]

Just be a total jerk to the other kids mother. That should solve it.

Actually - a conversation with the other girl's mother would be a good start. My DD has had trouble with a little girl for a while - I finally went to the mom. They run in too many of the same circles for me to tell my DD to ignore her (trust me - I tried it) or to forbid contact - same class, same friends, same Brownie troop...it took a while and her mom staying on top of it but I finally see things improving between them.

 

[N&B'smom]

Oh gosh, this sort of thing really irks me...especially since my DD7 was told last year (in 1st grade) by two little DARLINGS on the same day that they didn't want to be friends with her anymore. Thankfully, my DD is pretty good at handling these situations for herself. It was a Friday, I told her to watch and see, Monday they would be all nice and chatty with her.

Sure enough, the little ring leader came up to her and started talking like nothing ever happened. My DD said to her 'I'm sorry, I thought you said you didn't want to be my friend anymore???'. Then Little Lucy Lies A Lot told her she didn't mean to say that to her, she meant to say it to someone else. Seriously, you can't make this stuff up! What a moronic thing to say.

My DD is cordial, she will play with everyone but those two girls are not kids she trusts. I'm glad that she already knows how to handle that sort of thing. There are plenty of nice kids out there, she doesn't need to waste her time with kids that want to play games.

 

[robinb]

OP, I hope that you can give your DD the strength to stand up to the little Queen Bee, although it is bound to be difficult.

My DD was the victim of one like her in 1st grade. She gathered a little group of girls around her and when my DD wouldn't dance to her tune she was excluded. Girls were told you are my friend or you are her friend and my DD spent much of the year shunned by the Queen and her posse. I requested that the girl not be in my DD's class the next year and things were much better.

Queenie was in her class again in 4th grade and the SAME crap started up again. No one had reined that girl in the previous two years. It finally came to a head in the spring when almost all the girls in my DD's 4th grade class had a giant melt down. Queenie and her posse were pulled aside and it was FINALLY explained to them that they were bullying the other girls. There were tears all around and things were much better the rest of the year.

Imagine my "pleasure" when I found out that Queenie is in my DD's 6th grade class. HOWEVER, our middle school is made up of 3 elementary schools and Queenie's influence is less with the influx of other girls. AFAIK, there is no longer any issues between my DD and Queenie. I think some other girl currently holds the crown of being the class witch. I'm keeping my fingers crossed because so far middle school is not as bad as 1st and 4th grade *knock wood*.

I guess what I'm trying to suggest is that your DD's Queenie be shut down ASAP. The girls who were turned against my DD in 1st grade were never her friends again. It's very sad because they were good girls under the thrall of a strong personality.