OT: What would you do?

[LuvOrlando]

One thing I do not see mentioned here is what your other children have to say about this behavior. Do they notice it? How do they feel about it? If they don't notice it ask them how they would feel if they were the only one left out... kids have a hard time putting themselves in someone elses position but often a nudge puts things in perspective IMO.

I mention this because in my family both of my kids DS11 & DD10 are fine, but my MIL just doesn't like boys much. She's not outwardly abusive, just neglectful of them and this has been an issue here forever because they live right next door. From the beginning I've spoken with my kids how wrong it was to treat them both this way and how hurtful it is to me as their mother. I told them it's wrong because not only is it just unfair but wrong because the behavior would make her brother angry with her because that's how kids deal with this sort of thing. MIL has been forever picking up little trinkets for my DD while leaving out my DS and saying "Oh they didn't have anything he would like." to which I replied one year, "That's OK DD can wait to get her gift for you to find something for her brother" as I put it on the counter un-opened, and my DD was nodding right next to me - she was 6. At this point my DD asks, "SO what did my bother get"? before even opening her present, and if it's nothing she takes whatever it is she has, even if it's candy, splits it down the middle and shares it with her brother. In my case my MIL has been shamed into giving to my DS too. I'm personally not interested in the sentiments behind her gifts, I'm interested in how my DS feels about it KWIM.

So if nothing you say is getting the point across then maybe you should include the rest of your family in a plan. For example, if all your other kids declare their intention of sharing their gifts with their little brother the extended family will squirm and eventually give in. No way can an adult not feel embarrassed when being taught about morality by a child.

Here is what I would do. Discuss the way things will probably play out with the rest of your kids and then have a plan for dealing with it everyone knows about. Go to the Dollar store and pick up a bunch of little toys your DS would like, 6 yr olds are not hard to please. Wrap them up and IF your family 'FORGETS" your DS you can drop a bunch of little presents in front of him. Before you go ask your own immediate family to remember to fuss over their little brother. Your extended family will be so uncomfortable with their gross behavior it will get your own families point across better than any words you could possibly say.... and you don't even have to raise your voice.

Don't give these people the power to hurt your kids when its so easy for you to take the power back, and believe me they are hurting your entire family not just the little one they are neglecting.

Good luck!

 

[YontzFamily]

This may be unpopular but I would not go. Once I saw that one of my children was being treated differently that would have been the end and I would not have let it go silently.
OP- Your kids don't want to go to be with family. They want to go to get their gifts. I think it is high time you sat them down and let them know that their own brother comes before ANY other relative. THEY are a family and they should not be so willing to tolerate anyone treating ANY of them badly. I can tell you that my children are much younger than yours and there is no way they would want to be around anyone that treated one of their siblings badly. That is what they need to learn. You are not punishing them because they won't get the gifts from the family. Your family is punishing them. You are way too nice. I would have told them to F off a long time ago. Be mean to me all you want but do not treat my kids poorly.
Good luck and I hope you have a great Christmas.

She said it better than I could. I would explain the situation to your daughters, they may not see what is going on in all the excitement that is Christmas. The lesson that they learn, that family is more important than any gifts, is far greater than any gift card. It won't be easy for you or them, but I bet you have it in you to get through it. I work in an elementary school and I see first hand what it is like to have a special needs child, those that teach those kids have a gift, as I am sure those that adopt special needs kids do as well too. God's grace to you and your kids in this holiday season.

 

[sparklynails23]

First of all, I think you have every right to be angry with the cousin. They should have been shocked at their child's behavior, but he was probably just echoing the adult's conversation.

Second, I don't think you should be angry at your mom, necessarily. You haven't explained your son's disabilities, but your mom may not know how to handle them or feel comfortable with them yet.

As for the other relatives, I would give them another chance. Maybe your mom can pass the word that will be watching them. You could go, but leave if there is even a hint that your son is not being treated kindly-- at Christmas, no less.

Good luck. I know how much my kids love their cousins and enjoy seeing them at Christmas. I wish your family could feel the same- not just your girls, but you son, too.

 

[sl_underwood]

OP here- We have just started talking about this with our girls and they truly didnt see it until we pointed it out. They still dont think family is being mean, my 16 year old pointed out that they are just ignorant, and shouldnt be faulted for what they dont understand. She thinks we should take ds so he can teach them because she truly believes he has taught her to have tollerance and respect for people with disabiliities. My belief is that is family should accept him. It is true he will always deal with predjudice and ignorance but it shouldnt be at home or with family. As for our sons disabilities, he has hearing loss and a traumatic brain injury, was exposed to drugs and alcohol in the womb and during early infancy, and has physical disabilities due to abuse that placed him in a full body cast at 3 years of age. He is developmentally around the age of 4-5 though due to his hearing loss his speech is closer to 2. The strange thing is though at family gatherings, he is the best behaved kid. And I am not just saying that because I am his mother, he truly is well behaved. The other kids get into stuff, fight with one another, break toys, and at our last gathering killed my fathers fish and my son was sitting quietly playing with his creature creator manipulatives. As for the person who said my mom just doesnt know how to relate to him, you are probably right.

 

[luvsJack]

This won't help for Christmas this year, but is it possible for your mom to come spend a day with your family at home here and there? Maybe she needs to see how you interact with your child so that she can learn. It would also give her a chance to bond with him without feeling like she is responsible for his care.

This would, of course, be dependent on her willingness. And if she is not willing, sadly there just isn't anything you can do to change that.

 

[kathie859]

WOW! What a powerful thought process that girl has. I find myself agreeing with her point about ignorance and how to fight it.

 

[sl_underwood]

Kathie she is a very smart girl and I am extremely proud of her. She might be right about them being ignorant but it breaks my heart to see my son have to deal with this. He has been through so much already that I want to protect him from everything and unfortunately, she is right about one thing, I wont always be there to protect him from ignorant hurtful people. We still havent decided what we are going to do. He wants to go because he loves the food and genuinely loves our extended family. He wants to see his grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. I appreciate all of your input, you guys are the best!

 

[adoptionmomma4]

I have 4 adopted children also. They are not treated the same by my in-laws as my SIL DS. It is unfair and I do not tolorate it. We have Christmas at our house and if they want to visit us they can. Period!

Your sons feelings are more important than seeing people who will treat him poorly. Stay home and spend the holidays as a family. Buy a new board game and play together. Just spend quality time together as a family. As hard as it would be on the older girls to not get the gift they need to stay home as well. Christmas is time for family and is not about getting gifts. They will eventually understand and will not remember the $100 gift the missed out on. Christmas is for spending time with family and anyone who would not treat your son equally is not family.

 

[klacey1]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. I tried talking with my mom today and she told me I was being overly sensitive and assures me no one treats him differently. This is only our third Christmas with our son and it wasnt until last Christmas that I began to see something was wrong. The first Christmas he had just come to live with us the month before so when people forgot to bring him gifts and said they were sorry, they forgot we had him, I thought well most of them hadnt met him so it wasnt like they were being malicious or anything, they just forgot we had a new child. We didnt encourage family to spend time with him as we were bonding and didnt want him to confuse other relatives with parents. Last Christmas, my mom asked me to shop for him for her and wrap his gifts (as though he wasnt worth her time) and that was the first time I really started to wonder. The other members once again said they forgot we had him. One family member acted embarrassed and gave him money but I still cant help but think they were choosing not to buy for him. We also had an incident this past thanksgiving with a cousin who told him that we only took him because he was a retard and we felt sorry for him. When I confronted the parents, they chose to ignore it, saying boys will be boys. These kids are not allowed to curse, not even allowed to say shut up as it is considered a bad word but calling their cousin a retard is okay in their parents book. We left immediately and other relatives were mad at us for leaving. On top of this, my mom invites our daughters regularly to lunch or over for a visit but thwarts nearly all my efforts in encouraging her to bond with her grandson. When asked to sit for him, usually she says no unless it is an emergency, like dh being hospitalized and then she chucks him in front of an xbox. Am I being overly sensitive or are they just not being honest?

I think your mom said you were being sensative because she's embarassed. I think actions clearly speak louding than words here. I also read your other response about your daughter speaking about tolerance/acceptance, and while I think it's great that you are raising clearly smart, compassionate daughters, I think she's giving your family too much credit. People don't need to learn to "tolert" a poor young boy who had a way too difficult start to life-- I don't understand what the issue is. They should recognize and admire your compassion with adopting a special-needs child and welcome him with open arms into the family. DBF works with the disabled and I don't understand how anyone can be intolerant of such people...especially in your case, where your son is FAMILY! I just don't get it...I think you made an excellent stance at Thanksgiving and think that doing so again at Christmas will make your extended family realize your family does not stand for intolerance!

 

[disneybound31]

While not as obvious and disgraceful as what you are dealing with, we have our problem with this as well. Boys, in my extended in-law family, are prized more than females. It rears it's ugly head with my children's generation and is confirmed by the generation before them...my husbands siblings (3) have agreed that girls are just not treated well in that family. So now, I get to be the warrior mother in defense of my daughter- the lone granddaughter of the family. She is repeatedly ignored, not listened to and 'shorted' when it comes to equal treatment, whether with gifts or affection. I do not stand for it. It might make them uncomfortable, but so be it. It used to make my husband uncomfortable too, but he has long since learned to support OUR children. Not HIS old family. WE are a family now- YOU are a family now and deserve to be treated EQUALLY with respect.

Prayers and peace to you this Christmas.

 

[starsweeper]

My children were adopted as infants, and are of a different race. We have been fortunate that nearly everyone has treated them fairly, but were prepared to stand up for them if need be. We had some difficulties the first year because we had to bond with them, which included being the only ones to feed, diaper, and cuddle them 99% of the time. Many relatives had a hard time with that and didn't feel close to them right away. Once that period was over, we saw huge growth in our families' love for the kids.

I think your family is being very unkind to your son, but I also wonder if they have had opportunities to bond with your son. Perhaps if they had more time with him, away from the holidays, they would become closer to him and more accepting, but then again they may not. Personally, I would probably skip Christmas. I would explain unemotionally that all the children in your house are deserving of love from your family, and it hurts them, as well as you, when they are obviously ignored. I would also extend the invitation for family members to seek your family out to get to know your son, in the hopes they can see all that is wonderful about him that you see in him.

 

[mom2faith]

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[J'aime Paris]

Op, you said that extended family members "forgot" you adopted a child for 2 Christmases, and didn't buy him presents?

That is a load of ^@*&!!!!!

They are sending a very clear message of how they view your DS.

I feel sorry for your situation, but you need to protect your son from that.

KICK THEM TO THE CURB!!


Enjoy Christmas in the company of those who truly love your entire family.

 

[sl_underwood]

OP here...
We decided to give them one more chance after talking with my mom once again. She told my uncle and my cousins not to come if they couldnt treat our son respectfully, they chose not to come. It is sad that they would rather stay away than be nice to a child but that is their choice. I think she must have said something to my siblings as well because they had a complete change of attitude during our Christmas Eve gift exchange. Previously, my sister has been one of those people who didnt buy our son a gift but bought nice presents for the rest of us. This year, she bought our son two very wonderful presents (one of which was an item he wanted for Christmas but we could not afford to buy) and made a real effort to spend time with him but she told me she was sorry she couldnt afford to buy my husband and I anything because she bought the kids expensive gifts. Totally fine with me as I just want my kids happy. I nearly cried when I saw she had purchased the gift he asked me for but I couldnt afford to buy. All of my family members had gifts for him and they each made an effort to interact with him. It was a nice evening. Hopefully, their newfound attitudes will continue and they will work to make an effort to get to know my amazing little boy. Thanks again to everyone who offered advice and support. Merry Christmas!

 

[maxiesmom]

OP here...
We decided to give them one more chance after talking with my mom once again. She told my uncle and my cousins not to come if they couldnt treat our son respectfully, they chose not to come. It is sad that they would rather stay away than be nice to a child but that is their choice. I think she must have said something to my siblings as well because they had a complete change of attitude during our Christmas Eve gift exchange. Previously, my sister has been one of those people who didnt buy our son a gift but bought nice presents for the rest of us. This year, she bought our son two very wonderful presents (one of which was an item he wanted for Christmas but we could not afford to buy) and made a real effort to spend time with him but she told me she was sorry she couldnt afford to buy my husband and I anything because she bought the kids expensive gifts. Totally fine with me as I just want my kids happy. I nearly cried when I saw she had purchased the gift he asked me for but I couldnt afford to buy. All of my family members had gifts for him and they each made an effort to interact with him. It was a nice evening. Hopefully, their newfound attitudes will continue and they will work to make an effort to get to know my amazing little boy. Thanks again to everyone who offered advice and support. Merry Christmas!

I am so happy for you! Hopefully your other relatives will come around in time. Merry Christmas!

 

[mom2grace]

I am so happy you had such a great outcome! And bless you for being such a great mom!

I had a nowhere-close-to-yours situation with my mom, she prefers girls, only had girls herself. My DD was the first grandchild, she loves her and spends a lot of time with her from day 1. My DS is the 2nd grandchild, my mom refused to spend time with him, her excuse was that he was too young, etc. I finally said you take both kids or neither and she has come around & things are much better.

My gut was confirmed when my sister had her first, a girl and my mom has her all of the time and she is still an infant!

 

[Kat77]

Yippee! That is wonderful.

 

[hedgehog2owl]

nice update, OP

I read on another board about a mother whose 2 children are treated differently by relatives. Her daughter gets money and gift cards for birthdays and Christmas and her son (from another marriage maybe, I can't remember) got none.
She had a rule that all the money in her daughter's birthday card would be split in half and they each got half. IF the boy ever got any money on his birthday it would be split in half as well.

Course these kids were little, grade school and under so I would think with older kids, you'd have to talk to them and have them agree....

Not sure if it is a good solution or not, but I thought I'd mention it.