OT -- Vent -- What do you think?

[MiniGirl]

I'm sorry all.... I just got back from the bus stop and need to vent a little. Since ya'll are the only ones here, I hope you don't mind.

First a little background info....

My oldest (2nd grade) has become very good friends with this little girl in the neighborhood. I like this little girl a lot, but her parents drive me crazy. Her mom suffers from extremely low self-esteem. Honestly, I have never heard anyone talk about themselves the way this woman does. She has no friends and has decided that I am her best friend. Truth is I am friendly with her ONLY because our girls are friends. However, she is very kind to both my girls, so I try to be friendly and kind as well.

This woman's husband hasn't worked in years. He "works" from home as a day trader. Since he is alays home, he keeps very close tabs on his wife. She seems to be constantly cleaning or doing something for him or one of their 4 children. They have 3 sons -- 2 are away at college, the 3rd is in jr. high -- and a dd -- in 2nd grade like my dd. He keeps very tight reigns on the family finances. This woman has sat in my living room and cried because she was worried about what she would do in an emergency. He gives her NO cash and took away the cc. She has her cell phone and is to call him if she needs anything while she was out. He also told her she was spending too much on groceries and started going shopping with her. All fresh fruits and veggies are out. He insisted they use frozen, and he started having her buy lots of frozen pizzas and processed foods. She was heartbroken because she knows this isn't what is best for them to eat. He has since backed off some because they do now have fruit in their house. She also contributes the bulk of the family income. Before she was married, she built and operated a successful dance studio. They long ago sold the business but kept the building. The live, primarily, off the rent of that building -- and the $$ he makes day trading.

So, $$ is tight, but he wanted a big flat screen tv just before Christmas, so they got that, and this past month they bought 2 new leather sofas that he wanted; and he and his sons have gone on lots of paint ball outings over the last few months -- esp. when the older 2 were home from college.

Well, their dd's birthday is in less than 2 weeks. Several months ago the girl was all excited because she was going to have a luau themed slumber party. This girl and her mom were making all these plans, etc. Well, dad decided that this girl is too spoiled and has too many things already and doesn't need to have a party, She's turning 8.) so they plan on a small family dinner with cake and ice cream. I know the dd was upset but she was told she could still have a sleep over at a later date, so that helped her feel a litle better.

This morning, after the kids get on the bus, this woman tells me that her dd had a dental appt yesterday and has a cavity. It is going to cost over $200 to get it filled, and her dh threw a fit. He started yelling that that was it. This woman was now to cut out ALL sugar from this child's diet. No soda, no candy, no cake, no ice cream, etc. Yep, that means even for her birthday. She said her dd heard the entire argument and is devestated. She was trying to make it better by saying that they will carve up some fruit to make it look really pretty, but her dd ws having no part of it.

Personally, I think the party and cake were cut out because he didn't want to spend the $$ for it. Also, I know that when money is tight, you have to cut things out, but the things he wants and his boys want, never seem to get cut out. He is also very controlling. I wanted to take them to WDW for a day (at my expense) to say thank you for all the kindness thay have shown us, and he said no. That he wanted to be with his dd the first time she experienced it. We live 90 miles from WDW, and he had never taken her. He finally agreed to let them go, but only when he realized it wasn't going to cost anything.

I know there isn't really anything I can do. When she was crying in my living room because he didn't give her cash, I told her I'd give her some cash if she wanted to help me clean my house. Her dh didn't even have to know about it, and she would then have some mad money. She didn't think that was a good idea. She didn't think she could spend that much time over here without an explanation and she was worried about him finding the cash.

Here's the thing, and I don't say this lightly..... I think this man is abusive. I don't think he is physically harming his wife, but he is definitely emotionally abusive. She has told me about how this man has said how stupid she is, and her response was, "Well, he's right. I shouldn't have done that. I am jut stupid most of the time." or she'll say that, "He's right because I know I'm not at all smart." Also everything is put on her. He cancelled the birthday party because she spoils the dd. He cancelled the cake because she wasn't diligent enough to make sure their dd cared for her teeth properly, AND the woman says he's right. It is her fault.

Anyway, that's it. I just don't know if there is anything I can do. She sees his faults but seems to think it is her fault that he acts the way he does. She even told me once that it is her fault that he won't get a job. He wants to, but he has put on too much weight because of the foods she cooks; and of course, he's right. She needs to try to cook healthier because that's what's best for all of them. (I should add that this man in not terribly over weight. He looks like he could stand to lose 20 pounds -- maybe. He is also very tall, so it doesn't show much at all.)

Thanks for letting me vent. I just feel so bad for this woman. Her sons speak to her the same way her dh does, and he says nothing. I feel bad for the women they marry because they will think this is normal behavior. I feel bad for their dd, too. She's a smart little girl and hopefully, she will just know that she shouldn't stand for being treated so disrespectfully.

Oh well..... I just hate this, but what can I do?

 

[ellenmiele]

Sounds like your friend needs serious professional help - living with someone like that can destroy a person and a family. Find out where the local resources are in your area for counseling/spouse abuse - many communities have free services - and then give her the numbers. Let her call from your house if necessary. She needs to speak with an experienced professional. Don't be surprised if at first she is reluctant - people like her often become convinced that they are the problem. Go online and search "emotional abuse of spouse" - have her read the descriptions/definitions - maybe she'll recognize her own situation. But it may take a long time before she can realize what this man has done to her - hopefully she'll find the strength somehow.

 

[janey99]

This man sounds profoundly emotionally and verbally abusive. He may also be on the way to physically abusing her, after he totally destroys her self esteem, cuts her off from friend and family support, and makes sure she has no money. It must be terrible watching that first hand, but it is difficult to help people in those situations who won't take the first step to help themselves.

I think the best you can do is continue to offer her safe harbor - a ear to listen, a place to come to, even if she can't stay that long, and maybe some gentle comments that you would be ready to help her out in some way (if you actually are) if she ever decided to take steps to stand up to him or break away from him.

I wonder - are the older boys from a different relationship and the young DD is your friend's? The difference in treatment of all the kids seems pretty dramatic.

Jane

 

[carissanboys]

I wonder - are the older boys from a different relationship and the young DD is your friend's? The difference in treatment of all the kids seems pretty dramatic.

Jane

I think it could also be because she's a girl. Obviously this man thinks women are idiots and deserve to be treated horribly. Why would he think any differently of his own daughter?

OP - this is such a sad situation It sounds like this woman really needs a friend and I'm glad that you're able to be there for her. I'm sure it's very difficult to see what's going on and know that there isn't really anything you can do until she (or he, although I doubt that's going to happen) decides to change things.

 

[luvdiz2]

I lived through almost the same set of circumstances.

The only thing that will help is when she learns to stand up for herself. No one can do it for her and she will have to come to the realization for herself. Either her marriage will be stronger/better for it (like mine), or it will destroy it (like my brother in laws).

My heart hurts for her - been there, done that, NEVER GOING BACK! lol

 

[SplashMountainMama]

That sounds like a terrible situation. It's very generous of you to offer to have her clean the house so she can have some pocket $$, but my only concern with that would be what would he do if he finds out she's been hiding money from him???

 

[GothTink]

That man sounds like my ex-husband! She needs to get away from him, and quick.

 

[Aliceacc]

Can you find her the contact info for a counselor or hotline for abused women?

Whether he's hitting her or not, this is abuse.

 

[DevilDuckie]

Your best move is not necessarily to say, "no he's wrong, you're not stupid!" when she tells you but to tell her spontaneously at other moments how smart/pretty/kind/wonderful she is. Hearing it in a separate context makes it easier for her to believe.

Yes, this is textbook emotional abuse and it can be every bit as damaging as physical abuse. Try to give her an emotional safe place- even if that just means a couple conversations a week in which she is not cut down.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

He sounds like my parents! I'm 27, grown with my own home, husband and children, but to them I'm stupid, and everything I think is wrong. The only thing I can say that has made any difference is that I've emotionally totally cut them off. I think its the only answer for myself with my parents, and its the only answer for your friend. Say but true.

 

[mousebymarriage]

I wish your friend had enough courage to kick his fat, lazy @$$ to the curb and then change the locks!

 

[MiniGirl]

Okay, first off..... wow!!! I din't realize how long my post was until I just went back and looked at it, so a huge thank you to all of you that took the time to read it. I think I win the longest single post without quotes/multi quotes in DIS history.

This couple has been married about 25 years and all the children are from this marriage. He is also tough on his sons -- just not as tough.

Thanks, too, for affirming my thoughts that this behavior is, indeed, abusive. Although, I wish it was just me over-reacting. I have spent the day doing a little research on the subject and it is just heartbreaking. It is so hard to think that right now, even as I type, there could easily be a woman in this neighborhood being physically abused by her nsdh -- not-so-dear husband. Also, this woman is probably not the only one being emotionally or verbally abused either. It is just heart-breaking.

I also spoke to a friend of mine from church. This woman knows a ton of people and is a great resource of who's who in our community. She told me there are 2 women's shelters in our area that she is aware of, but she doesn't know where they are. The actual location is a closely guarded secret -- to help protect the women and children living there. She would give me the numbers for them though, so I could have them on hand if needed. She also told me that one of the older ladies in our congregation used to work for Health Services counseling battered women. She's on vacation now, but I will definitely be getting in touch with her upon her return. I know I couldn't get this woman to speak with her, but I'm hoping she could help me know what to look for. Signs that this abuse may be physical or what openings I could look for to gently show this woman this is not a healhy relationship. It may be that all she can do is show me how to counteract the abuse the nsdh is doling out.

Bottom line though .... I can only do so much. I can support and offer her a place free from ridicule and condemnation and I will certainly pray for her, but more than that, she has to do on her own. Right now she doesn't even realize what he's doing is wrong. When she does though, I'll be ready with phone numbers and other resources to help her.

To those of you that have gone through this, I admire you greatly. I can't imagine how scary it must have been to either walk out or stand up for yourself when you had been convinced (falsly) that you were not worthy of love or anything else. How strong you must be.

And to those who may be going through this right now.... may you be strong, too, and know that you are a person of great worth -- no matter what anyone else says.

ETA: Sorry for another novel. This is just obviously weighing heavy on my heart today.

 

[runwad]

Geez that is so sad and I feel I have a neighbor, next door actually, that is in a similar though not as bad situation. Her DH is such a spoiled brat she has to be right by his side on every project he's doing...he always needs all the attention and puts her down all the time. Anyway a comment on the kids they have 2 boys too and the one son is a carbon copy of the dad. Once they told us they'd like to see their son end up with our daughter, over our dead bodies, i pity that kids wife she's in for a tough toe. But like you realized if your neighbor doesn't ask for help all you can do is be there for her. We've had to cut ourself off from our neighbors just because we couldn't stand to be around him and watch how he treats his family.

 

[SmallWorld71]

I agree with the advice you've been given so far, so I won't state it again. Just wanted to add that not only is the wife a victim of abuse, the poor little girl is too. I hope she is able to get the help she needs too. My prayers are with them.

 

[GraysMom]

It sounds like your DDs go to the same school. Does your school have a tipline number for suspected abuse? Is there any way you could talk to the guidance counselor about what you've seen so she can talk to the daughter? If the counselor suspects abuse, she is mandated to report it to authorities (at least I think that's the law in all states) which may help your neighbor see the light.