OT- Totally awkward moment- WWYD?

[ireland_nicole]

SO, it's Christmas Eve, everythings ok; incredibly busy and stressful, but ok; get everything done that needs to be, get to church, etc.

On the way home, I realize there are two gifts for friends I've forgotten to deliver. I stop at the first house, no one's home, no problem, I leave it on the porch.

Then I get to the second friends house. Although I started working two months ago, we've been pretty close historically, worked out together, attended bible study together, etc. Still email or talk once a week or so. I pull up and there's quite a few cars, so I figure I'll try the door and quickly deliver the gift and head home; another friend that I considered close answers the door and asks me in, without thinking I tell her I'm just delivering the gift but step in the door to put it on the hall table. I look up and pretty much everyone I know from our neighborhood is there. All the girls we have girls night out with, etc. The girls we've had playgroup with, and hung out with; I'd say there have always been 10 couples or so. Well, they're all there. Except I wasn't invited.

So I'm not sure how to handle this. Obviously, I'm hurt. But I don't know what, if anything, I should say to the person throwing the party later. I really would have considered her a close friend until tonight. She never mentioned the party to me at all. And I feel very awkward about interacting with the other women who were there, too. Obviously, they know I wasn't invited or I wouldn't have shown up with the gift.

I feel like it shouldn't hurt my feelings so much, it seems so juvenile for it to bother me, but to be honest, it does.

So I'm wondering, WWYD?

 

[Mrs D]

I'm so sorry you are carrying this burden tonight. Do what you can to shrug it off.
The only thing I can think that I would say is I'm sorry I stopped by without calling; I was making a few stops on the way home from church and wanted to drop the gift off. Then I'd say nothing else.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas with your family - they are what's important!

 

[jmartinez1895]

I guess I'm juvinille as well because that would have hurt my feelings as well. I don't blame you one bit for being hurt and upset. I would give it till afte the holidays and if she hasn't said anythign to you then maybe call her ( for me it's easier if I don't have to look at the person) and then just tell her that you consider her a friend and that her friendship is very important to you and ask if you have done anything that may have offended her or upset her and then if she says no then tell her that you could not help but to notice that it seemed to you ( she should talk more if you make it seem like a thing with you and that your not rolling her under the bus) that many people in your circle of freinds was at her party, but you knew nothing of it. Maybe she will be honest and tell you and it will be somethign the two of you can work through, if she blows you off or doesn't tell you why then you don't need a person in your life that disregaurds your feelings like that . I hope taht you have a Merry Christmas anyway.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

SO, it's Christmas Eve, everythings ok; incredibly busy and stressful, but ok; get everything done that needs to be, get to church, etc.

On the way home, I realize there are two gifts for friends I've forgotten to deliver. I stop at the first house, no one's home, no problem, I leave it on the porch.

Then I get to the second friends house. Although I started working two months ago, we've been pretty close historically, worked out together, attended bible study together, etc. Still email or talk once a week or so. I pull up and there's quite a few cars, so I figure I'll try the door and quickly deliver the gift and head home; another friend that I considered close answers the door and asks me in, without thinking I tell her I'm just delivering the gift but step in the door to put it on the hall table. I look up and pretty much everyone I know from our neighborhood is there. All the girls we have girls night out with, etc. The girls we've had playgroup with, and hung out with; I'd say there have always been 10 couples or so. Well, they're all there. Except I wasn't invited.

So I'm not sure how to handle this. Obviously, I'm hurt. But I don't know what, if anything, I should say to the person throwing the party later. I really would have considered her a close friend until tonight. She never mentioned the party to me at all. And I feel very awkward about interacting with the other women who were there, too. Obviously, they know I wasn't invited or I wouldn't have shown up with the gift.

I feel like it shouldn't hurt my feelings so much, it seems so juvenile for it to bother me, but to be honest, it does.

So I'm wondering, WWYD?

I would be hurt, upset and angry, and I wouldn't apologize for feeling that way. I'd give myself some time to be upset, vent to my DH and BFF's and then I would likely just strike the person off my list of friends and move on. I suspect that you going back to work is the reason for your lack of invitation to the party.

I wouldn't make a Deal of it, especially socially, though. It isn't worth that. Let it go.

 

[ireland_nicole]

Thanks y'all, I'm just so stunned. Honestly, I thought she was one of my BFF's; I handmade 5 gifts for my 5 closest friends, and she was one of them. We could call each other, any time, day or night; I've watched her kids when she was sick, she's watched mine when one of them was in the hospital. Another "friend" of ours who in my estimation would have been more on the periphery as we don't share a faith, etc. and who started working over a year ago was there.

The only difference between me and the group there was that I have kids with special needs. And I can't help but wonder if that is the reason we weren't invited, which in a way would make it even worse. None of the others in that social circle have kids with needs. And I just saw her last week when she brought a gift to our house, and she didn't say anything, or seem different. I'm just confused and stunned, and angry at myself that I'm letting it affect my family's Christmas.

 

[disykat]

I'd be upset too. My advice is to say nothing. It'll be interesting to see if she says anything.

 

[AllyBri]

Don't say a word. Let it go.
I'm just wondering what she will say to you and I bet she will say something.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Thanks y'all, I'm just so stunned. Honestly, I thought she was one of my BFF's; I handmade 5 gifts for my 5 closest friends, and she was one of them. We could call each other, any time, day or night; I've watched her kids when she was sick, she's watched mine when one of them was in the hospital. Another "friend" of ours who in my estimation would have been more on the periphery as we don't share a faith, etc. and who started working over a year ago was there.

The only difference between me and the group there was that I have kids with special needs. And I can't help but wonder if that is the reason we weren't invited, which in a way would make it even worse. None of the others in that social circle have kids with needs. And I just saw her last week when she brought a gift to our house, and she didn't say anything, or seem different. I'm just confused and stunned, and angry at myself that I'm letting it affect my family's Christmas.

Were any of the other 4 BFF's there?

 

[ireland_nicole]

Were any of the other 4 BFF's there?

Yep, at least the two of them who are in that circle of my life. One answered the door, and one was on the sofa. I had lunch with one of them last week, and spoke to her a couple of days ago, and my family is having dinner at the others house on Saturday. Both smiled and said hi and spoke normally to me as I gave my excuses (so sorry, have to run, kids in the car, just on our way home from church, etc.) Obviously I'm short at least one individual I considered a close friend. Now I can't help but wonder about the other two, except that I'm pretty sure they were just guests, and probably weren't even aware of the situation until I was.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I wouldn't say a word. I would just distance myself from them.
I too would have been very hurt.

 

[dollarmite]

I'm sorry this happened to you; it must have been extremley awkward.

I'd feel hurt, angry and upset. I'd be also striking this person off my list of friends.

My paranoia would be running rampant and I'd wonder why no one else had said anything to me beforehand. Does your group of friends normally discuss (party) invitations beforehand? Was it unusual for nobody involved to have not mentioned this party?

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Wow. That's a tough thing to have happen. Apparently they didn't think you would stop by or even become aware of the party. They must know you were hurt or confused at the very least when you saw everyone there. I don't think I would mention it. Let them explain, or not.

 

[susykt4]

You certainly should allow yourself to feel angry/hurt/embarrassed. I'm with the previous poster who said they'd feel paranoid, wondering what they did. BUT, do you really want to end (potentially several) friendship(s) over a missed party? Give yourself a few days to get over the initial shock. Talk to your friend when you've gotten over most of the anger. I agree with someone else's suggestion of apologizing for stopping by unexpectedly and see where the conversation goes. Maybe there is not actually some sinister reason you weren't invited. Don't dump a friendship over speculation!

 

[McDuck]

I would have been very hurt by that also. You are not being juvenile to be hurt by it.

I would not, however, be the one to bring it up. The cat is already out of the bag, so to speak, and your friend would have to be totally and completely dense to not know you are hurt. I wonder if the other friends just assumed you were invited as well. Since the woman who answered the door told you to come on in, that somewhat implies she may have thought you were invited.

Try to set it aside (hard I know, it would be for me) and focus on your wonderful family this Christmas. I hope you have a blessed one.

 

[tlh0726]

Did your friend know that you had other plans for the evening?
If so, maybe she did not want you to alter your plans.

You need to let her know your feelings. Do not just cross her off your list, get it out in the open. If you all hang in the same circle, you do not want your other friends being put in an akward situation when it comes time for another get together, who do they invite.

 

[BelleWDW]

I am curious about one thing
Its christmas Eve-so all these friends had their children with them?
I cant imagine leaving my kids with a sitter on Christmas eve?
Do your kids interact with their kids......maybe these people's kids are more friendly with each other?

Maybe you mentioned Church and she thought you'd be involved with that?

Most people have family events XMass eve and she only invited people with no relatives nearby?

 

[hsmamato2]

I disagree w/all the pp's...sorry,but I personally feel that just b/c someone is friends with you doesn't automatically entitle you to every invite to every party. There are times when room runs out, the other friend is looking to widen out a circle of friends for one night,etc etc. There could be many diff reasons for this, and imagine a world in which you're OBLIGATED to invite each an every person you know to EVERY party you host,even if it's inconvenient for you ,for whatever reason.
I'm not saying this doesn't take some mature thinking on the matter to behave like a good friend does,but you don;t necessarily have to feel unloved and hated.
I also don't know that it's a wise idea to 'let her know your feelings'- why? Aren't people entitled to decide for themselves who among their friends they want to invite?
Think of your own self, there are probably people in your life who feel differently about you than you do about them. Maybe some person you know considers themselves your BEST friend,but you merely consider them an acqaintance. How would you feel if you were obligated to invite every person you ever spent time with? That's no longer friendship,that becomes forced,and uncomfortable.
I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive,and move on with your life. Not trying to sound mean,but not everything is a conspiracy-

 

[ireland_nicole]

I am curious about one thing
Its christmas Eve-so all these friends had their children with them?
I cant imagine leaving my kids with a sitter on Christmas eve?
Do your kids interact with their kids......maybe these people's kids are more friendly with each other?

Maybe you mentioned Church and she thought you'd be involved with that?

Most people have family events XMass eve and she only invited people with no relatives nearby?

nope, everyone had their kids with them

I disagree w/all the pp's...sorry,but I personally feel that just b/c someone is friends with you doesn't automatically entitle you to every invite to every party. There are times when room runs out, the other friend is looking to widen out a circle of friends for one night,etc etc. There could be many diff reasons for this, and imagine a world in which you're OBLIGATED to invite each an every person you know to EVERY party you host,even if it's inconvenient for you ,for whatever reason.
I'm not saying this doesn't take some mature thinking on the matter to behave like a good friend does,but you don;t necessarily have to feel unloved and hated.
I also don't know that it's a wise idea to 'let her know your feelings'- why? Aren't people entitled to decide for themselves who among their friends they want to invite?
Think of your own self, there are probably people in your life who feel differently about you than you do about them. Maybe some person you know considers themselves your BEST friend,but you merely consider them an acqaintance. How would you feel if you were obligated to invite every person you ever spent time with? That's no longer friendship,that becomes forced,and uncomfortable.
I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive,and move on with your life. Not trying to sound mean,but not everything is a conspiracy-

Fair enough. I don't think it's a big "conspiracy", but this is a friend that we celebrate a lot of occasions together- all the kids b-days, our anniversaries, we spent last thanksgiving together; I admit I haven't seen her as much (we would see each other at least twice a week before I started working) but I have a lot of acquaintances, and I wouldn't have had her on the list. Most of our "girls nights" have maybe 3-6 women invited; I have always been one of them, and all the others were at the party.

I suppose I shouldn't have gone over without calling first, but she did the same earlier in the week when she brought over my gift, and all my other neighborhood friends have done the same too. I don't think I would have felt "left out" except that literally everyone in that circle was there except for me. So it's hard not to feel like you're singled out to some degree. I'm not going to bad mouth her, or talk about it with the others, because I don't think it's appropriate; at the same time, though I don't expect to have the same level of trust with her. I'm be going to one of the girls houses on Saturday, and my plan is to just act like it's nothing. Otherwise, like PP's have said, it could cause a rift with other friends who I really don't think had anything to do with it. Emotionally though, I think I'm going to be a lot more circumspect.

 

[kacaju]

Is it all possible that your invitation got lost in the mail?
Last year I had a neighbor who threw a party. I never got an invitation. I had one other neighbor who asked me *are you going to Nancy's party?* I said I never got an invitation. Then the night of the party another neighbor called me while she was at the party...where are you? Aren't you coming down? I said, I was not invited. it turns out I was invited, but I never received the invitation
Nancy had never mailed the invites, she just put them in our mailboxes, I have no idea what happened to mine.

 

[natashag76]

I have to agree with hsmama. I also would suggest that if, over the course of time you feel the need to sever ties, and I certainly hope it doesn't, don't cut ties with all your friends who were there. They certainly had no control over the invitation list.
Also, if you feel the need to broach the subject, perhaps begin with "sorry for crashing your party...." Did she even see you come in?
Good luck and happy holidays.