OT- Totally awkward moment- WWYD?

[ireland_nicole]

most of our invites are actually Evites, but I'm sure it could have happened that way, or something like that. I think I'm going to wait and see if there is some innocent explanation. I appreciate you giving me some perspective, it was just so shocking and hurtful last night; I appreciate all of y'alls comments and suggestions. I figure I have 5 options
1. stick my head in the sand and never talk to any of them again.
2. Go and confront her
3. do the whole badmouth gossip thing
4. pretend it didn't happen, don't let it change anything
5. continue relationships with other friends, and remain cordial to this friend. If she does speak to me about it, allow her to say what's on her heart, and then decide whether that's compatible with us continuing our previous level of friendship.

So far, I've progressed through thinking option 1 is a good idea, and am thinking I'm probably going to go with 5.

 

[dfchelbay]

In addition to wanting to know why you weren't invited, I'd want to know why/how all the other people kept it from you as well. Nobody in your group of friends asked you if you were going, asked what time you were going, what you're wearing to her party. Why did everyone else keep it from you too??? I find it very hard to believe that ten couple just forgot to mention a word about it, or discuss her party with you ahead of time for most likely several weeks that it was in the planning and invitation stage.

 

[busyshrew]

I read your post last night and I wanted to send hugs and sympathy. Your situation stayed on MY mind, so I can only imagine how YOU are feeling.

I wasn't there, but I would have to ask what your friend's reaction was when you walked in the door and saw the get-together? Was she at all embarrassed? acting a bit ashamed or nervous? Because it would be really really hard for any decent, kind-hearted person to pull off that situation with complete cool, I'd say.

And if she was completely normal in behaviour, then is there ANY possible reason that might explain the other women getting together without you? You mention your children being special needs - do they attend a different school, and perhaps this was a school-based thing? Do you attend a different church from the other people at the party? There could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for the entire situation.

If it was me, I would wait, let myself cool off, and then bring it up very casually - "I saw you had a get-together, sorry I interrupted...." and see what your friend has to say. But I would not blow off a good friendship on "circumstantial evidence" so to speak.

That being said, if she DID exclude you on purpose, with malice, so to speak, then I'd give her the gears in whatever form you want!

 

[krcit]

You certainly should allow yourself to feel angry/hurt/embarrassed. I'm with the previous poster who said they'd feel paranoid, wondering what they did. BUT, do you really want to end (potentially several) friendship(s) over a missed party? Give yourself a few days to get over the initial shock. Talk to your friend when you've gotten over most of the anger. I agree with someone else's suggestion of apologizing for stopping by unexpectedly and see where the conversation goes. Maybe there is not actually some sinister reason you weren't invited. Don't dump a friendship over speculation![/QUO

I agree with this. I had a similiar situation a few years ago except I was the friend who didn't invite another friend to my ds's son. It wasn't done to hurt anyone-I only had family and then my 2 close friends, one of whom is my son's Godmother. My other friend heard about the party and cut me off. A girl who had been my friend for over 10 years, stpped talking to me without even giving me a chance to explain and apologize. She didn't speak to me for 3 years I was so hurt that she didn't approach me and explain why she was mad. I only heard through the grapevine after about 3 months of the silent treatment. At that point, I was hurt that she would cut me off without talking to me that I didn't call her either. Soooooo, long story long, we wasted 3 years over something so trivial. We speak now and she has since apologized for not giving me a chance to explain and it's all good now. I totally get that you are hurt and I would be to but give her a chance to explain and apologize before cutting off a friendship. Life is too short. Merry Chriatmas!

 

[dburg30]

SO, it's Christmas Eve, everythings ok; incredibly busy and stressful, but ok; get everything done that needs to be, get to church, etc.

On the way home, I realize there are two gifts for friends I've forgotten to deliver. I stop at the first house, no one's home, no problem, I leave it on the porch.

Then I get to the second friends house. Although I started working two months ago, we've been pretty close historically, worked out together, attended bible study together, etc. Still email or talk once a week or so. I pull up and there's quite a few cars, so I figure I'll try the door and quickly deliver the gift and head home; another friend that I considered close answers the door and asks me in, without thinking I tell her I'm just delivering the gift but step in the door to put it on the hall table. I look up and pretty much everyone I know from our neighborhood is there. All the girls we have girls night out with, etc. The girls we've had playgroup with, and hung out with; I'd say there have always been 10 couples or so. Well, they're all there. Except I wasn't invited.

So I'm not sure how to handle this. Obviously, I'm hurt. But I don't know what, if anything, I should say to the person throwing the party later. I really would have considered her a close friend until tonight. She never mentioned the party to me at all. And I feel very awkward about interacting with the other women who were there, too. Obviously, they know I wasn't invited or I wouldn't have shown up with the gift.

I feel like it shouldn't hurt my feelings so much, it seems so juvenile for it to bother me, but to be honest, it does.

So I'm wondering, WWYD?

Did she know that you had all this other stuff going on? I mean, reading it from just face value, would you have even gone? Honestly? It sounds like you had quite a lot on your plate already..

 

[emma'smom]

I wonder if you just didn't get the evite? Those can get lost in SPAM folders so easily and/or if she typed your email address wrong, etc. We had a party last week and literally only 5 of the 15 people invited using evite got the invitation cause they ended up in SPAM folders. We ended up calling everyone. It was a work thing, so most people knew about it anyway---but still, my point is evites do get lost. Maybe you really had been invited.

Anyway, I would totally be hurt. Yes, of course everyone has a right to invite (or not invite) whomever to their parties---but that doesn't mean its fun to be snubbed.

How should you handle it?
I would go with option 5---with the caveat that if it is really burning you, you might say "How was your party? I'm sorry I stopped over unannounced. I hadn't intended to interrupt your evening." This brings the issue out in the open....but allows you to save face and actually look gracious.

 

[diz8297]

Your post really struck a chord with me. It was a hurtful experience and I am so sorry you had to go through it. I'll be honest-you have an extraordinary relationship with these friends-I only share this kind of closeness with relatives-I'm funny like that I guess. But I think I would give it until after the holidays and then ask her why the (intentional/unintentional) slight. But just remember-if she did this deliberately, she is the one with a problem. And if it pertains to your employment status or your child's needs, then she is shallow and truly, not a friend. God bless you and hang in there.

 

[ktlm]

I would probably mention it to one of your close mutual friends that was at her house on Christmas Eve. Nothing accusatory or angry- just feeling her out to see what she knows. I would probably say, I was surprised when I dropped by and she was having a party. I didn't know about it. Did she happen to mention why I didn't get invited? Even if the friend you talk to doesn't know, I'm sure by doing that it would get back to the friend who threw the party and then she would know that she needs to talk to you.

All sorts of situations can happen. The E-mail could have gone to your spam. She could have thought she hit your E-mail address and missed it. If they mailed the invitations, yours could have slipped between the seats of the car (this happened to us-DH's sister wanted to know why she didn't get an invitation to her niece's birthday party when everyone else did. She even had DH's parents call and check, which was silly because she shouldn't have even had to question whether she was invited. We thought it probably got lost in the mail, but one day we randomly found it between the seats of the car. When DH picked up the stack of invitations to mail them, one must have fallen between the cracks). Who knows, your friend might have thought you dropped by to leave the gift during the party because you were invited, but that you were busy and just couldn't stay. I would try not be too angry or hurt until you figure out what the situtation is. If it was intentional, I would be hurt too, but it might have just been a mistake.

 

[DawnM]

I am sorry. That would have hurt me too. I hope it can be resolved.

I learned that a cousin's daughter got married and I wasn't invited. Then she had a baby shower and I again wasn't invited. There wre two of us cousins who never got invited. I just don't get it.....

And as for the entitlement post.....I disagree.....if you want to have over a couple of people privately that is fine, but when you invite everyone in the social group BUT one or two, that is purposeful.

Dawn

 

[Hillbeans]

In addition to wanting to know why you weren't invited, I'd want to know why/how all the other people kept it from you as well. Nobody in your group of friends asked you if you were going, asked what time you were going, what you're wearing to her party. Why did everyone else keep it from you too??? I find it very hard to believe that ten couple just forgot to mention a word about it, or discuss her party with you ahead of time for most likely several weeks that it was in the planning and invitation stage.

I agree with this - since it was for Christmas Eve I would imagine plans would have been made well in advance, not something that was thrown together at the last minute. It does seem "odd" that no one mentioned it to you in your group of friends because most people, especially friends, know what their friends are doing for Christmas Eve. Does your friend do a Christmas Eve party every year? Did your friend see you there?

I would definitely confront her about it in a few days, but yes, i'd be hurt. When I was younger, I used to juggle friends and try not to let others know I was doing things with other friends and not them, but as I got older, I realized that lying or trying to hide stuff from friends always backfires in the end and the amount of lying and excuses you need to cover your tracks just isn't worth it.

 

[cam&phoebsmom]

When you have her the gift what did she say/how did she act?

You said that you saw other friends there-but I would never think to be mad at them for attending a party. When accepting an invitation i never ask who else will be there so it is doubtful that they even knew who else was invited, kwim?

And you mentioned special needs children-if she has watched your kids previously it does not seem like she would have any issues with your kids. I think the only way to know why you weren't invited would be to ask her point blank. If not you may be getting upset for reasons that are not correct.

I really am curious as to what her reaction was when presented with a gift.

 

[QVCshopper]

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. It might just be the fact that you went back to work. After one of my friends went back to work full-time, she didn't have as much time for her SAHM friends. Not meaning that negatively; it was just a fact--we used to see each other mostly during weekdays. She was busier, so I couldn't see her as much as I used to, and I missed her a lot. I still do miss her, but we see each other and talk 3 years later. I, myself, walk a fine line between working and staying home (I work 25 hours at night and watch my kids full-time during the day), so I see these things from both sides.

Good luck! I hope you had a nice holiday and wish you the best.

 

[BelleWDW]

I like the idea someone said....apologize -casually-for interuping her party-and see what she says..

 

[ireland_nicole]

OP here, I actually gave a friend the gift to give to her since she wasn't donwnstairs at the time.

Well, she called me this morning, apologised, and aid that she focused on inviting people who weren't Christians and didn't have family in town so that they could casually hear the Christmas story. Her kids put on a mini Christmas pageant, etc. Only one other Christian friend was there, helping plan the party. She said she purposely didn't tell me about it because She knew I was already overwhelmed with all the things I had to do for Christmas, and because my dad had just moved in and she didn't want us to leave family at home to come to the party. Plus, she knew I had church for multiple hours Christmas eve (I'm a worship leader, so it was a 5 hour time commitment for me total). She said if she had told me I would have felt obligated to come and help, and she didn't want to put more on a full plate.

Honestly, from her, it rings very true. She was truly sorry that what she had meant to help had hurt me, and we've worked it all out.

I really appreciate all of your comments, because it helped give me some needed perspective. I really am blessed to have friends who are more like sisters, even though we all get it wrong sometimes.

 

[Kat77]

How wonderful! I love a good ending!

I just read through the thread and was getting worked up for you...
I'm so happy it was a misunderstanding.

 

[sparklynails23]

See, everything worked out.

To be honest, I wouldn't be too crazy about being invited to a party only to find out later it was an attempt to save my soul. That's dishonest, IMO.

 

[diz8297]

So happy that all is well!! That is awesome!!

 

[jodifla]

OP here, I actually gave a friend the gift to give to her since she wasn't donwnstairs at the time.

Well, she called me this morning, apologised, and aid that the reason she had had the party was mostly as a "missions" opportunity. She focused on inviting people who weren't Christians and didn't have family in town so that they could casually hear the Christmas story. Her kids put on a mini Christmas pageant, etc. Only one other Christian friend was there, helping plan the party. She said she purposely didn't tell me about it because She knew I was already overwhelmed with all the things I had to do for Christmas, and because my dad had just moved in and she didn't want us to leave family at home to come to the party. Plus, she knew I had church for multiple hours Christmas eve (I'm a worship leader, so it was a 5 hour time commitment for me total). She said if she had told me I would have felt obligated to come and help, and she didn't want to put more on a full plate.

Honestly, from her, it rings very true. She was truly sorry that what she had meant to help had hurt me, and we've worked it all out.

I really appreciate all of your comments, because it helped give me some needed perspective. I really am blessed to have friends who are more like sisters, even though we all get it wrong sometimes.

Oh, yikes! In that case, I would have been mad if I'd BEEN invited to the party.

But I'm glad it worked out between you two.

 

[crashbb]

I would have been so angry to have been invited to such a party. It actually, really disturbs me (and I am a Christian).

 

[ireland_nicole]

I felt obliated to share the resolution of the issue and to be honest. We all enjoy freedom of speech, and I wouldn't want to curtail that for others. It was not my idea to have the party, nor was I aware of it. I will not share my personal opinion of it. I will no longer be reading this thread as I already shared my thanks of everyone's varying perspective and opinion.