OT. The Family Bed. Fellow Moms, I could use some advice!

[va32h]

Edited to add that the family bed is quite common in many cultures around the world.

True, but we don't live in any of those cultures.

I guess what is bothering me about some comments is not that some people let or want their children to sleep with them, but the fact that even when OP says she cannot sleep with the child in her bed, she does not want the child in her bed, folks are insisting that the child should be allowed to sleep in the parents bed.

Advice was asked as to how to keep the child from coming into the bed. And for the most part, that advice was given. But finger wagging and chiding "oh you are missing out" is not what was asked for.

 

[Bird-Mom]

What are you going to do when it's time for her to start school??

I had planned to homeschool, but she asked to go to school. She goes to preschool 4 mornings/week and separates with no problem. She was more ready for it than I was!

 

[txgirl]

I think this thread has offered lots of great advice that could be applied to several different parenting issues, when encouragement towards a new behavior is necessary.

That said, I have often advised younger mommy friends of mine that I feel it is always a personal choice but the longer you allow bed sharing, pacifiers, bottles or anything that give your little one comfort the harder it may be to wean them off. Again, a totally personal preference as far as when or even IF these things must be taken away. Sometimes our little ones do it on their own , but when we allow something like bed sharing until our children get 3 or 4 and then ask them to leave, don't you all think it should be as gentle as possible? We are the ones who created this need for them by allowing it to begin with. We then should be there as the transition is made.

I know that I breastfed my children only until age 1, because after that I couldn't bear the thought of them "needing" that sort of comfort, asking for it, and me refusing it. I have friends who went further and had no problems but I had knew of more cases where weaning became more and more emotional for mom and baby. I want the things that bring them comfort to be okay as long as they need them (a blankie, nightlight, prayers before bed). I know that I could never boot mine out of my bed, therefore I never allowed them to sleep there to begin with. We do have special nights when one of the older girls sleeps over somewhere else and the other sister gets to "sleep over" with mom and dad.

I just think if it doesn't bother you OR your husband then there is absolutely no harm. I feel the problem is when parents do it when it "was" convenient and then when it becomes an issue they place that burden on the child by making them leave the only sleeping spot they know . I know that if someone booted me out of my bed, I would be one hot momma

OP-if you follow some of the loving advice listed in this thread I don't think you will have a problem encouraging your child back to their bed. I totally relate to the "snuggle" factor and it has been difficult for me at times to keep mine in their beds, I just knew I couldn't keep it up for them and that would hurt both of us. Good Luck!

 

[Mom2RinJen]

Both of my daughters (7 1/2 and almost 5) sleep in my room with me. I do put them to bed in their own rooms and they go to sleep fine, but when they wake up in the middle of the night they come into my room. I don't usually even hear them come in. I wake to see one of them beside me. I love to snuggle with them too. My 7 1/2 yr old doesn't come in as much anymore but my 5 yr old most nights is snoozing with me. I'm not concerned at all. I don't feel it is unhealthy at all. I feel it is a bonding thing. They reach over and feel me there and know that I will always be there for them. My mom thinks its HORRIBLE, but I don't and will continue to let them come in. Like I said, my oldest has almost grown out of it. She mostly comes in if she has a bad dream or if she is sick. But my 5 yr old is there every night and I'm sure as she gets older she won't be there either. But until them, I will continue to hold them close and cherish those moments while I still have them.

 

[MommytoMJM]

Well....I am a huge proponent of co-sleeping....so my advice would be if he needs to sleeep with you there is probably a reason. We still sleep with our four year old daughter and that won't chnage anytime soon.

Personally I don't understand the whole crib thing. If your child likes their crib, then great! But we spend our whole lives waiting to grow up so we can get married and sleep with someone....why is that need any less in kids? We humans are social critters!

If it doesn't bother you, then let him!

 

[TinkerbellMama]

I guess we are in the minority here..we have not allowed our kids to sleep in our beds and guess what? They have turned out just fine! They are 8 and 11 and I believe having them sleep in their own beds in their own rooms gives them independence from us. They do need that.

I didnt want our kids to be one of those who are so dependent on us that going to school would be a problem etc.

I guess it's a good thing our ds will be homeschooled, since he co-sleeps and will therefore be too scared to go to school!

Sorry but that connection is a crock IMO! And now I will be in trouble with the moderators again, just like I was on a previous thread about homeschooling/pulling your kids out of school for WDW!

 

[chrisn]

I love my DS to sleep with me for for both our "emotional comfort" but it's the "physical comfort" that is the problem. I do feel a little guilty trying to coerce him into his own bed but when he is there I sleep ever so much better. I guess as a mom, it's just another sacrifice I have to make. He is very close to me and maybe he still just needs his mommy. BTW, he did sleep and stay in his own bed last night. When I said it was bedtime, he raced to my bedroom and I told him he needed to sleep in his own bed. He said "why?" and I told him because it was his own special bed in his own special room and that mommy would be more comfortable and I was......There is a guilty twinge because my heart does want to snuggle but my body says "Oh yes, that feels good!"

 

[tigeress2474]

I am happy to see that I am not the only one with the family bed. DH started it with our first son at 14 months now hes 5years and still with us. My seconed now 1years has always sleep with me. DH works nights so 5 days a week its just me and 2 kids in bed. I was told that my oldest would get laughed at if he tells people he sleeps in mommy & daddys bed. But would this topic ever really come up at school. I use to have to stay with our oldes in my bed untill he feel asleep. Now I am getting him to the point were he goes in by himself and watches tv until he falls asleep. I feel this is a good start. He has bad dreams everynight and wakes up. He will be starting school this year and I'm hopeing soon he will move to his own bed in his own room. But I do like him being with me cause at least I know what hes doing and when he gets up.

Jennifer

 

[SleepyatDVC]

Enjoy it while you can...they grow up way too fast!

In other words, you won't have to suffer a uncomfortable squished bed much longer! Lol!

On the other hand, kids do grow up soooo fast. Pretty soon, we won't be sleeping too well either wondering where they are and what they are doing!!!!

OT - I still remember my dad staying up "watching tv" waiting for me to get home. He never said a word just turned off the tv and went to bed after I walked in the door! I was in college at the time. When I was away at school, I ALWAYS called my mom to let her know when I would be out late so that she wouldn't worry and call every hour wondering where I was. She always called me at 8 or 9 in the morning to make sure I got home safely the night before! She probably finally got to sleep after that call!

 

[SleepyatDVC]

I love my DS to sleep with me for for both our "emotional comfort" but it's the "physical comfort" that is the problem. I do feel a little guilty trying to coerce him into his own bed but when he is there I sleep ever so much better. I guess as a mom, it's just another sacrifice I have to make. He is very close to me and maybe he still just needs his mommy. BTW, he did sleep and stay in his own bed last night. When I said it was bedtime, he raced to my bedroom and I told him he needed to sleep in his own bed. He said "why?" and I told him because it was his own special bed in his own special room and that mommy would be more comfortable and I was......There is a guilty twinge because my heart does want to snuggle but my body says "Oh yes, that feels good!"

I totally understand. I think both our kids are at an age now that they can understand the "whys" when we give them a real explanation.

They may not totally understand why they must suddenly sleep in their own beds or rooms. They know that they have THEIR BED AND ROOM and you have YOURS. But exceptions to the "rule" have been made in the past, so why not now? Why the sudden need to enforce it?

BUT when we tell them that they are getting bigger and mommy and daddy are getting squished with everyone in the bed, they seem to understand the "why" now and what has changed. Kids are so smart nowadays!

I think sometimes it's a matter of kids understanding why the rules have changed for them without feeling like it is something they did, or like some sort of personal rejection.

In my case, the kids know they can sleep in our bed when they are sick or when they have a very bad dream but that mommy and daddy have to go to work in the morning and they need to sleep and daddy especially can't sleep well with the kids in the bed.

It seems to be working so far. But it could be that they are just growing out of it too.

Maybe this helped - Our DD4 is the only one that sleeps with us occassionally now. DD6 leaves for school first, then DH leaves for work. I go to work later. So, if DD4 wakes up, I let her climb in bed with me to either sleep some more or watch tv in our room while I doze. Lately though, she prefers to watch tv in the LR because we don't get Disney or Nick Jr. in the bedroom only PBS.

We only have a queen bed and it cost us a pretty penny when we bought it after we got married. There were a few years when I desperately wanted to ditch it and buy a king bed so that there was room to get comfortable! DH put his foot down and said no.

Good luck!

 

[DianeV]

I think you would be surprised the things kids talk about at school.

I am happy to see that I am not the only one with the family bed. DH started it with our first son at 14 months now hes 5years and still with us. My seconed now 1years has always sleep with me. DH works nights so 5 days a week its just me and 2 kids in bed. I was told that my oldest would get laughed at if he tells people he sleeps in mommy & daddys bed. But would this topic ever really come up at school. I use to have to stay with our oldes in my bed untill he feel asleep. Now I am getting him to the point were he goes in by himself and watches tv until he falls asleep. I feel this is a good start. He has bad dreams everynight and wakes up. He will be starting school this year and I'm hopeing soon he will move to his own bed in his own room. But I do like him being with me cause at least I know what hes doing and when he gets up.

Jennifer

 

[kdtwiss]

well,I am a mom of 4 - now 11, 6, 5, and 2.We have always shared a family bed - love that California King bed! We have at times had three little ones in bed with us. I am an extremely light sleeper and don't think I have slept more than two hours at a stretch for at least 11 years. (could that account for my general state of confusion? JK) We now have our youngest still with us and the others as needed.We have just kind of let what happens happen. We made beds available to our children and when we felt they were ready we would let them fall asleep in our beds and carry them to theirs. If they woke up an came back we would let them climb in if it was almost morning, or if early let them fall back asleep and carry them again back in their room. We would not talk or anything, or fuss if they fussed and wanted to stay with us as I know how scary night can be sometimes.I think what made the transition easier is we never made an issue out of it.It is funny, untill your post I never thought of my ds as a 7 year old (which he nearly is) who still needed to revisit the family bed, I just never considered his age at all. I just thought - well he still needs the fb once in a while. I really think the more you make an issue of it,the harder he may resist. He may even get more tense about sleep as result and need to come to the bed more.
I know you need your sleep, but have you talked to him about WHY he needs to come to your bed? Maybe it would be good enough for him if you would lie down with him in his bed untill he is asleep. If he does have nightmares have you asked about what? He may have some legitimate scary thought running through his head.maybe if you can talk him through his dreams and help him to learn how to think "happy thoughts" before bed he will have fewer nightmares.
If he is a book lover I recommend a book called "Dr. Zeez I believe it is. We got that not to get our ds out of bed - but to help him sleep more in general. His sleep habits were to sleep only about 7 - 8 hours a night when he needed more like at least 9. The book explains what happens to your body when you sleep and why you need sleep in a very kid friendly way.
We have not needed that book in a while so I don't remember the exact title or author sorry!
Another suggestion is something we have just started here. Not because ds has trouble sleeping but because he is just a very stressed out OCD type child in general.(my oldest ds is autistic and younger ds has always been very anxious, ocd etc.) I got a cd called Indigo Dreams which has 5 little stories to listen to. They are kind of a guided meditation type relaxation exercise cd for kids. I also got the books to go along with it, which you don't have to. Anyway one of the stories is called Goodnight Caterpillar and we have started listening/reading to that every night. It is a bit annoying I have to say as an adult, but it is really helping him learn how to relax himself. We will move on to the other stories when I think he is ready. Maybe a bedtime ritual like that would help your ds. I just lie down with my ds, pop in the cd, dim the lights and hold the book so he can see the pictures sometimes. Sometimes we do just the cd. It is less than 10 minutes but it really is helpful.He requests it now every night.
I also use a sound machine as my oldest has never been able to sleep very well w/o it. He can do w/o if need be, but sleeps better with it.Perhaps that would also halp your son as it appears he wakens easily also.
A little drop of Lavendar oil on his pillow or sheet will help too.
IN the past I also had a teddy bear filled with herbs that you could microwave so it was warm and my oldest ds always seemed to enjoy it.
Also - the old standby, a bit of warm milk or bath before bed may help. Though baths make my little ones bounce off the walls! LOL.
I know you need some sleep , hang on!! I imagine this time where your little one needs some help in the night will be over soon and you will be missing it!

 

[rumrunnergirl]

That said, I have often advised younger mommy friends of mine that I feel it is always a personal choice but the longer you allow bed sharing, pacifiers, bottles or anything that give your little one comfort the harder it may be to wean them off.

It's only really hard to "wean them off" when they are not ready. If they are ready, then there's no problem, IME. I don't know why you (general you) would want to take away things that give your little ones comfort. I like to comfort my kids, and I like them to be comfortable.

We are the ones who created this need for them by allowing it to begin with.

I think babies are born with the need to be close to their mothers, it's kinda a survival thing.

I know that I breastfed my children only until age 1, because after that I couldn't bear the thought of them "needing" that sort of comfort, asking for it, and me refusing it. <snip> I want the things that bring them comfort to be okay as long as they need them (a blankie, nightlight, prayers before bed). [\quote]
Except if it's something *you* don't want them to have, then they can't have it. Not trying to be picky, you're just a little contradictory here.

Anyway, back to the OP - my kids are 4 and 5 and still like to come to bed with us. I skipped the bassinet, crib and toddler bed and saved my money and got them a regular bed, LOL, so they went from co-sleeping to their own bed. My oldest transitioned to a mattress on the floor by our bed, then to her own room. My youngest went from our bed to sleeping with his sister to his own bed. I don't know about using the reward system - because you might have to keep upping the reward. Barbara Coloroso's book "Kids Are Worth It" has a lot of great advice - don't reward for something you wouldn't want to be rewarded for doing. And I wouldn't ground from the computer, as sleeping issues and computers are not related. You say your DH is a terrible sleeper too, so I can't see punishing (I wince to even use that word) your DS for something that may be an inherited trait and he can't help. It will only make him feel worse.
My 5yo sometimes has bad dreams, so we got her a dreamcatcher and a little "dream fairy" doll to take the bad dreams away. If she comes into our bed, I get up and walk or carry her back to her bed. We have a king size, but DD either splays out or gets so close to me or DH she's on top of us.
I would just keep walking your DS back to his bed, and help him to learn to soothe himself back to sleep while staying in his bed (since you can't sleep with him in your bed, and he is a poor sleeper like his dad). Maybe keep a favorite book and a snack by his bed, and he can do that for a few minutes while getting himself back to sleep (and staying put, LOL). Or set up a sleeping bag on the floor in your room.

Good luck!

 

[crazymomof4]

Oh, I just thought of something that we have always done to lessen bad dreams (and therefore, lessen trips to mommy's bed)
When my kids are at that "Bad Dream Age" I talk to them about things that can cause bad dreams, like video games, TV, etc., especially right before bed. They add their thoughts on this, like my ds8 insists that having his blinds open causes him have bad dreams, so I always make sure they are drawn before he goes to bed.
I tell them that often bad dreams are caused by what you did or thought of just before falling to sleep. So I tell them to think of only good things as they drift off. We talk about a trip to the beach or good memories from a vacation (WDW), things like that. My kids have all said that this works!

One thing I learned in child psychology (college) that I have always stuck to is this: Don't say that this or that will chase the "monsters" away. While your intentions are good, you are reinforcing, in your child's mind, the existence of monsters. While aknowleging their fears, I have always told the kids that monsters are imaginary, not real.

 

[matdamom]

Oh, I just thought of something that we have always done to lessen bad dreams (and therefore, lessen trips to mommy's bed)
When my kids are at that "Bad Dream Age" I talk to them about things that can cause bad dreams, like video games, TV, etc., especially right before bed. One thing I learned in child psychology (college) that I have always stuck to is this: Don't say that this or that will chase the "monsters" away. While your intentions are good, you are reinforcing, in your child's mind, the existence of monsters. While aknowleging their fears, I have always told the kids that monsters are imaginary, not real.

I was also glad to see I'm not the only one co-sleeping. My DS (19m) sleeps with DH and I, and I actually sleep better when he is there. My oldest DD has always slept better on her own, and DS3 transitioned easily to a crib then a big girl bed. The reason we moved her to a crib was because she moved so much in her sleep - the child was all over the bed (and DH and I). Once she realized she could take up the whole bed by herself, she liked sleeping in her own bed. Of course, both my DDs still occasionally come into our bed, especially on weekend mornings when mom sleeps "in". (Yeah, I call 7 am sleeping late - LOL)

I also agree with the above poster about discussing what can cause bad dreams or the possibility of monsters. Both DH and I have insisted there are no such thing as monsters - we show the girls that there is nothing in the closet, or under the beds, etc. And certain TV shows and movies are off-limits, especially close to bed time.

For the OP - I'm not much help, but I think that if you are consistent with your son, and reward him for those nights he does spend in his own bed, eventually he will grow to feel more comfortable sleeping on his own. In the meantime, enjoy those 5 am cuddles.

 

[kakiegirl]

Our dd who is six now has slept with most of the time since she was born. She just turned 6 and dh finally said it was her or him we have a queen size bed and he says he can't sleep. We have put a futon beside my side of the bed and all he asks is that she goes to sleep on that she can get with us anytime during the night she wants to. My questions since we are on the subject is that I am having a harder time with it than she is, she is normally a heavy sleeper, and I wondered if anyone else had that problem and how they got through it. I sleep all night when she is with us but when she is on the Futon I know I wake up at least once an hour and have to reach down and check on her. Our house has split bedrooms her's is on the other side of the house and I can't even imagine her sleeping in her room. Any advice?

 

[Toria1897]

Hard habit to break. My advice to you is to set some ground rules and stick to them. I know easier said than done. Instead of grounding him try to reward him for staying in his bed all night. Another suggestion is to bring him back into his bedroom and stay with him for a few minutes all the while reassuring him that it is okay for him to be alone in his room, that we all need some alone time. Another suggestion is to stay in his room until he falls back asleep, not looking him in they eyes put kindly placing him back into bed, and each night moving closer and closer to the door until you are no longer in the room. Each of these requires some sleep deprevation on your part but well worth it in the long run. Just remember to be firm no matter how hard it is on you or how much it hurts you to do it. Just remember that it is in his best interest as well as yours. Good luck.

 

[rumrunnergirl]

when she is on the Futon I know I wake up at least once an hour and have to reach down and check on her. Our house has split bedrooms her's is on the other side of the house and I can't even imagine her sleeping in her room. Any advice?

Ahhh, it starts when they are born. I check on my kids during the night and I know lots of other Moms do too. If they were on the floor next to me, I probably *wouldn't* wake up though.

I tell ya, with all the kids getting snatched out of bedroom windows during the night, I don't mind too terribly when my kids crawl in with me, as then I know for sure they are safe. Any little noise I hear during the night (and I haven't slept deeply since I became a Mom - such is life, LOL!) must be investigated, because if I didn't check on them, and it was actually someone breaking in to snatch them, I would never forgive myself.

Melanie

 

[pbharris4]

About 2 months ago, my 9 yo DD FINALLY started sleeping in her room by herself. SInce she was 1 1/2 she had been sleeping with us (until she started kicking us) and then we'd rotate who sleep with her. We tried everything and I mean everything..including a dog, a new room in a new house (well we moved into a new, bigger home), toys she really wanted, yada, yada, yada.Nothing worked. Every year we'd try for 4-6 weeks straight and we were all exhausted. We now have a almost 2 yo DD who sleeps like a champ and itsn't afraid of the dark. I guess it made my older DD feel bad or something. Now, she has a TV in her room. DH said he'd sleep in the next bedroom (which isn't any closer than the master bedroom) and said if she woke up that she could turn on the tv, but not to wake me or the baby up and she could only get him if it was real bad. She woke him up a few times the 1st week, but since then it's been smooth sailing. I was the same way growing up except I was 12 when I finally started sleeping in my own room alone. They'll grow out of it for one reson or another, but I certainly wouldn't put a small child to sleep with me again. Only to fall asleep when they are 5 or older or something. My DH and I have been married 10 years and we've slept in the same bed for maybe the 1st year. Now, I sleep better having the bed to myself!