OT. The Family Bed. Fellow Moms, I could use some advice!

[rt2dz]

I haven't read the whole thread, but do what makes you feel comfortable. If you're feeling pressured to get him out of your bed, don't. DS#1 slept in his own bassinet until 3m, his own crib until 7m, then started climbing out of the crib. Our crib didn't fit a crib tent, so I moved him into our bed. At 15m, he was big time into trains, we bought him a Thomas pillow case, and all on his own he moved into a toddler bed. That lasted about 4m, and he was back into our bed. At 2.5, we bought him a big boy bed, and he again moved out of our room for about 1-1.5 years. Lately, he's been back. He complains of bad dreams, and from the look on his face, I'm pretty sure he's having them. It makes him feel safe to be with us, and I really don't mind. It's nice to get that cuddle time I don't get during the day. DH is gone 3 nights of the week working on his MBA, and on those nights I put both boys to bed with me--just too tired being pregnant to have a proper bed time routine. I figure he'll move out again when he's ready.

 

[juliesue]

My first answer is that you need to decide what is right for your child and not worry about what anyone else has to say about it. You are the MOM and you and dad are in charge of your family.

When we had this issue, we tried a lot of things. I would also suggest easing into it. Let him sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag at first. It gives him the sense of security he needs, but also some independence. Then, after a while, you could start walking him back to his room and staying for little while until he falls asleep (this requires some sleep loss on your part. I became good at sleeping while sitting up and patting his back. LOL) After a while, he won't need you to stay. Then one magical night, he will stay there all by himself.

Kids grow up too quickly as it is. There will be a time in the very near future when he won't need you as much anymore. It sounds like he is in a habit and just needs some loving help to change.

 

[va32h]

I'm sorry if I sounded defensive. But posters here have said "do what works for your family", and OP is saying that the family bed is not working for her family, and yet other posters are saying "let him sleep with you, enjoy the cuddle time, etc".

That's a pretty conflicting message, IMO.

Speaking of conflicting messages, maybe that is part of the trouble in keeping the child out of the parents' bed. If the parent says "you need to stay in your own bed" but they feel guilty about saying that, the child can probably sense that you are not firm in your conviction. And all the replies here saying "oh they are only little for so long, just let him stay with you" probably aren't doing much to alleviate that guilt.

 

[DianeV]

I guess we are in the minority here..we have not allowed our kids to sleep in our beds and guess what? They have turned out just fine! They are 8 and 11 and I believe having them sleep in their own beds in their own rooms gives them independence from us. They do need that.

I didnt want our kids to be one of those who are so dependent on us that going to school would be a problem etc.

 

[crazymomof4]

At 2.5, we bought him a big boy bed, and he again moved out of our room for about 1-1.5 years. Lately, he's been back. He complains of bad dreams, and from the look on his face, I'm pretty sure he's having them. It makes him feel safe to be with us, and I really don't mind.

If I did the math correctly, your DS is about 4 yo? Last week DS4 had her first nightmare and was in our bed. I said to my friend, "What is it about 4 yr olds and bad dreams?" All of my kids started them at 4 yrs of age! Funny, that common age for that! Must have something to do w/ the development of their imagination. Not too funny, when you get woke up 3-4 nights a week, though.

A word of encouragement to all moms of firstborn 4 yr olds who start with the 3am nightmares: It has a begining and an end. If I recall correctly, by age 5-6 they get less frequent and by age 7-8 they learn to deal w/ the dreams on their own, roll over and go back to sleep w/o waking you.

 

[chobie]

I guess we are in the minority here..we have not allowed our kids to sleep in our beds and guess what? They have turned out just fine! They are 8 and 11 and I believe having them sleep in their own beds in their own rooms gives them independence from us. They do need that.

I didnt want our kids to be one of those who are so dependent on us that going to school would be a problem etc.

Well you are in the minority when you are being snide about a parenting choice other people have made. Especially when none of the posters who said they co-slept have even insinuated that to not co-sleep would mean your children would not turn out just fine.

I don't know of any co-sleepers personally, including myself whose children were to dependent to go to school or do any other normal childhood thing.

Do you have any studies that say that co-sleeping causes this to occur?

 

[weregoingtodw]

Well you are in the minority when you are being snide about a parenting choice other people have made. Especially when none of the posters who said they co-slept have even insinuated that to not co-sleep would mean your children would not turn out just fine.

I don't know of any co-sleepers personally, including myself whose children were to dependent to go to school or do any other normal childhood thing.

Do you have any studies that say that co-sleeping causes this to occur?

I couldn't agree more! That sounds more than just a tad defensive IMO.

DianeV, if you read through this thread, you'll see lots of school-aged children still like to cuddle up with mom and dad... you'll also see that quite a few of us have said, "to each their own."

Ever heard that phrase, "Walk a mile in my shoes?" Try it some time... you'll be amazed at what you'll learn.

 

[paslea_pooh]

Hi there...
Is it a problem for you and DH? If not than don't worry about it BUT if it's becoming a situation that you want to change than I would suggest making a bed for him on your floor, sleeping bag or just a comforter and pillow. That way when your son has a nightmare and at that age sometimes it's often then he can just come in and lay down and not disturb you. We did this for a while with our children and for the most part they all sleep in their bedtimes full time now.

Alida
Mom to 4 girls
16.5 yrs., 13.5 years, 8 and 4

 

[Memaw2Wm]

Didn't read all the replies, but my "live-in" grandson climbed into my bed just about every night until this past year (he's 9) ... now he only climbs in occasionally ... if he's had a really bad dream or is feeling sick.

If he or his sister (8) want to sleep in my bed and I'm not in a "sharing" mood, I make them a "nest" on the floor next to my bed.

Funny thing is I NEVER let my kids sleep in my bed, but I've realized that kids grow up so darn fast and I won't be sharing my bed forever ... and honestly, I was sad when Wm stopped climbing in every night ... my little guy is growing up.

 

[weregoingtodw]

If he or his sister (8) want to sleep in my bed and I'm not in a "sharing" mood, I make them a "nest" on the floor next to my bed.

Oh, that's just too funny LOL. When my DH is home, if DD wants to sleep in our room, we call the pallet on the floor a "nest" as well!

You're a great grandmother for opening your heart & your home to your grandchildren!

 

[rcpae]

My girls had this problem also...I think most children have. When my girls come in now and have had a bad dream, I walk them into their rooms and lay down with them for a short period of time. Usually until their back to sleep, or if I've dozed off, when I wake up.

I didn't mind them laying down in our bed, however, 1 little girl usually turned into 2 or 3 real quick.

We do make an exception for thunderstorms!!

I hope you find what works best for you.

 

[DianeV]

I think many of YOU are taking me wrong. I was sure getting the impression that doing it leads to better adjusted kids etc and that those who dont are missing out on something or doing their kids wrong! NO no one came out and said that but the implications were there that this seems to be a very common and good thing

I do have a niece who has been sleeping with her mother since she was born and she is 5 now. She crys whenever she is away from her mom for too long and even her mom is now worried about how she will be when she starts school. YES I do believe it can affect that by not giving them their own independence and space away from their parent or parents. Kids need to have that

Havent any of you watched Nanny 911??? haha BEING FUNNY HERE!

 

[4greatboys]

I dont think its just the sleeping with mom that has the little girl clingy. Some kids are more clingy than other. Of all 4 boys that slept with us as little ones 2 have been very independent and 2 not so independent.
If we are reading things into other posts then your post sounded as if the only way my kids could be independent is by them not sleeping with me and that they would having a hard time going to school. But since this is all black and white and we cant hear each others tones its easy to assume what someone else has meant.
What I have learned is that each one must do what is right for their family. When my oldest was little we did try to put him back in his own bed because everyone said they need to "sleep in their own beds" but it didnt feel right to him or to me so we did our way. I hope that is what each family does, whats best for them.
I think the OP can make some good progress with her child by offering rewards for sleeping in their own bed and maybe a reward night of sleeping with mom and dad occasionally.

 

[Bird-Mom]

that those who dont are missing out on something

Actually, I do feel people who don't have a family bed are missing out on something, but that's your own choice.

I do have a niece who has been sleeping with her mother since she was born and she is 5 now. She crys whenever she is away from her mom for too long and even her mom is now worried about how she will be when she starts school. YES I do believe it can affect that by not giving them their own independence and space away from their parent or parents. Kids need to have that

My 3 year old dd has never been away from me or dh. Not overnight, not for the day-ever. We have left her with my cousin once and my doula once for about 1 1/2 hours each time. Fast forward to now. She has been diagnosed with many special needs, and one of the therapies offered was developmental preschool. The thought of sending her to school terrified me, but she asked to go and off she went. Never a tear! I walk her into the classroom and she runs off to start her work. I have to ask (sometimes twice or more) for a kiss goodbye. She loves it, and most days will throw a tantrum when I try to get her in the car. She wants to stay all day. School is so fun that your neice may surprise you.

The idea behind attachment parenting including the family bed is to foster a secure sense of self for the child, so that when it is time to separate, the child does so easily. My dd is a perfect example of that. She is so firmly attached that I didn't think she would separate easily or even at all. My mom, who thought I was crazy, offered to buy me a crib and pay for a babysitter (so that I could have time away that I needed, according to her), was shocked and offered up a white flag. They grow up so fast that there will be plenty of time alone for both parent and child.

There are studies that show children and infants who are left to cry alone to sleep have higher levels of cortisol in their blood. Cortisol is a stress hormone so not a good thing. Not saying that anyone here is doing so... Anyways, it is a benefit in reverse to the family bed because you can attend to your child immediately.

Edited to add that the family bed is quite common in many cultures around the world. The idea of the children sleeping away from the parents because the children need independance is an idea put forth by Western culture with no scientific basis. I'm sure there are very few children who don't find independace when they are ready and it is appropriate.

 

[crazymomof4]

Actually, I do feel people who don't have a family bed are missing out on something, but that's your own choice.

I believe that this is the kind of remark that puts other parents on the defensive.

I'm not for or against the "family bed", it's an individual parenting choice. But for me, I really had no choice. I CANNOT sleep with a child in my bed! I am an extremely light sleeper. I was as a child and it only got worse when the kids came along. (my mom used to say that I slept like a cat). DH and I have twin beds pushed together (I use king sheets) bc when we share the same mattress I wake every time he rolls over. If I would have a child in bed with me even 3 or 4 nights a week I would be sleep deprived. As I said in an earlier post, you can be a much better mom during waking hours if you have decent sleep. If we had a family bed my kids would be "missing out" on having a patient, attentive, well-rested mom every day.

I homeschool, but I don't tell parents that they are "missing something" when they don't homeschool. Homeschooling is not for everyone.

I breastfeed, but I don't tell bottle feeding moms that they aren't doing what is best for their babies. Some moms truly can't breastfeed, just like I cannot family bed. What do I gain by making them feel inferior?

Parenting is tough. We should support one another.

 

[Nik's Mom]

I think it's a personal choice to let your children share a bed. We lay down with our kids until they fall asleep (me with one son and dh with the other). It gives us quiet time with the kids to sing a song and say prayers. I really couldn't sleep with the kids all night though. The kids and I are both wild sleepers. Poor DH would end up on the floor.
Anyway, my point is, as long as it doesn't cause a problem in your marriage, and your children are well-adjusted, don't worry about it.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I think the biggest thing is that when there are three of us in the bed, I'm not comfortable and I can't sleep.

I understand this perfectly. From the time my son was 22 months until he was 4 years old he was in and out of the hospital and he got very used to me sleeping in the bed with him (they had beds for me, but when they woke him up for vitals I always ended up in his bed for comfort) so when we got through all that he still needed to sleep with me, but I got pregnant and there was just no way that I could sleep comfortably with him and dh in bed so I just told him very gently that it was too difficult for us to fit with my "fat belly" and he said "okay, but can I still sleep with you if I have a bad dream?" and I told him that was okay so he sleeps with us maybe once a month now. I think at 7 you should be able to explain your discomfort to him, basically tell him you're squished!

My oldest two never want to sleep with us unless they're sick (and sometimes not even then), but my 3 year old gets in our bed 4 out of 7 nights. I have no idea why, when we're travelling and he sleeps with one of his brothers he will stay in bed with them, I think he just likes to snuggle, or maybe gets cold at night. One thing I've found is that if he gets worn out during the day from playing, just gets alot of exercise, he sleeps more soundly and doesn't get in my bed.

I love to snuggle my kids, but I need a decent night's sleep, too and I'm not going to get it if I'm uncomfortable. Adults need sleep just like kids do.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

She is so firmly attached that I didn't think she would separate easily or even at all.

What are you going to do when it's time for her to start school??

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I believe that this is the kind of remark that puts other parents on the defensive.

I'm not for or against the "family bed", it's an individual parenting choice. But for me, I really had no choice. I CANNOT sleep with a child in my bed! I am an extremely light sleeper. I was as a child and it only got worse when the kids came along. (my mom used to say that I slept like a cat). DH and I have twin beds pushed together (I use king sheets) bc when we share the same mattress I wake every time he rolls over. If I would have a child in bed with me even 3 or 4 nights a week I would be sleep deprived. As I said in an earlier post, you can be a much better mom during waking hours if you have decent sleep. If we had a family bed my kids would be "missing out" on having a patient, attentive, well-rested mom every day.

I homeschool, but I don't tell parents that they are "missing something" when they don't homeschool. Homeschooling is not for everyone.

I breastfeed, but I don't tell bottle feeding moms that they aren't doing what is best for their babies. Some moms truly can't breastfeed, just like I cannot family bed. What do I gain by making them feel inferior?

Parenting is tough. We should support one another.

CrazyMom, you go!! Great post!!

 

[sanctus]

I've got 2 boys, 9 and 5, who are nighttime nomads, but my girl, 8, sleeps faithfully in her own bed.

When it started to get too much for us, we just committed ourselves to walking them back to bed everytime they came in. Not easy, because we had gotten used to them, so they'd slip in without waking us!

My 9 year old is now - only within the last 3 months - mostly staying in his own bed. My 5 year old is still roaming maybe 4 nights out of 7, but I haven't the heart to stop him yet. It goes so fast!

On my only helpful note: the boys tend to sleep cuddled together in the bottome bunk in their room instead of their own beds. When we separate them they don't come in as often. I think they were waking each other by tossing and turning. Maybe your child has something waking him? If he sleeps better, maybe he'll stay put. Worth a try.