OT. The Family Bed. Fellow Moms, I could use some advice!

[Nicks2Angels]

This board continues to surpise me-in good ways.

We slept with our dd until our son was a few months old (they are 23 months apart). She wasn't sleeping well witha newborn in the room (neither was i ), so she moved into her newly made big girl room. My dh slept with her for awhile. I am lucky with her-she is so easy going about most things. My son slept in our room (mostly in his crib) until he turned one-he actually sleeps better alone I discovered. Now they both sleep in their own rooms at 1 1/2 & 3. I loved the closeness & still crawl into bed with my dd or she drifts into our bed sometimes. My kids are fabulous sleepers.

I actually found it very beneficial for night time nursing-I barely even woke up. I say, "Let them be little!" I also follow the "do what works" philosophy.

I think the rewards for sleeping in his own bed is a good idea. Specifically, letting him sleep in your bed on the weekends if he stays in his bed during the week. Love that one!

I am not a fan of the locking the door idea-I think that could really frighten a child-heck-it might scare me. But, hey to each their own.
Goodluck!

 

[SleepyatDVC]

My DDs now 4 and 6 have been in and out of our bed since birth. They have had stretches where they slept in their own beds and then with us. Older daughter slept in our bed/room until younger daughter usurped her place. Took us forever to wean them into their own beds/rooms. Changes all the time. Relapses happen the most when one of the kids get sick.

This is our longest stretch where we have gotten our beds to ourselves. It's been about 2-3 months. Our DD6 has always been a good sleeper and is pretty good now about sleeping in her own bed. She hardly comes over and when she does, I walk her back to bed and I stay with her until she is asleep again.

DD4 has never been a good sleeper until recently. She had a lot of dreams/nightmares where she cries or yells in her sleep and sometimes wakes up crying. Her "favorite" dream is her yelling "stupid Emma!" Her sister is always eating her food or doing something in her dreams! Sometimes, when she was a lot younger, she couldn't calm down, any little movement would set her off and she could literally cry in her sleep for over 30 minutes. I usually carry out to the living room and sit with her on the sofa. So, for about 2-3 years she was waking up and waking ME up at least 4 nights a week - sometimes in her bed, sometimes in ours. It was easier for me to calm her down in our bed at first but as she got bigger (and as someone said, the bed did not), it was easier to drag myself out of bed and calm her down in her bed. I probably slept a 1/3 of last year in her bed at least part of the night.

DD4 would sleep in her bed for a while but relapsed quite often after getting sick and even after she is better. She finally has been sleeping better at night. Now when one of the girls wakes up in the middle of the night, I would rather sleep with them in their beds rather than have them sleep in ours. Sometimes, I'm too tired to move and let them stay with us but that doesn't happen too often. When one of them is sick, we let them stay in our bed if they are good about taking their medicine with the understanding that when they get all better, it's back to their own beds.

I totally understand about not sleeping well when the kids are in the bed with you. My DH hates it because the kids always kick him or crowd him until he's hanging on the edge of the mattress! Lol! He refuses to move and sleep in their beds. Their nighttime moments didn't seem to bother me the first few years. But lately, I just don't sleep well when they are in the bed. When they are sick and get to sleep in our bed, I usually sneak into their beds sometime during the night in order to get some sleep.

Sorry, no real advice. They do seem to out grow it eventually. Those 3 nights where they do sleep on their own are gold! Maybe get him a bigger bed and sleep with him ocassionally instead of allowing him to keep coming into your bed. It's easier to leave his bed then to carry him back.

LOL! This reminds me that I slept with my Mom until the 6th grade when we moved from a house into an apartment! My dad had to sleep in my canopy bed for about 7 years! Mom and I had a king bed - 2 twins mattresses together. I never let my dad in the bed because it was MY bed! I was always scared to sleep by myself in that old house. There were a lot of "noises" in the house. The only times I remember sleeping in my own room was in the summer. But everytime I did something bad seemed to happen. I still remember vividly one night when I slept in my own room, the next morning my mom told me that a relative had died. Once we moved to the apartment, I had no trouble sleeping by myself.

Now I laugh about it with my parents. I always say " NOW I know why I'm an only child!!!!"

 

[jimmysmommy]

One thing you might want to think about...Is he coming into your room truly awake, or is he sleepwalking....My 6 year old sleepwalks....I find him in my bed 2 or 3 nights a week, and putting him back doesn't work. He just comes back. At first, I tried rewards, threats, you name it....Then I realized that, he doesn't even know he's doing it. So none of that will help. The one thing that does help some, is to make sure when he goes to bed, he is not overtired. He tends to do it more when he gets to bed too late. I have found he has a "magic hour". If I get him to bed by 7:20, he'll probably stay put, but any later or earlier, and he's up and down like a yo yo. When he is overtired, he also has Night Terrors. These are different from Nightmares. He seems like he is awake, he is panicky and sweaty, but he is actually asleep. All you can do is wait for it to pass. He can't hear you trying to comfort him. If I get to him before he really starts crying, it doesn't usually last too long, just a couple of minutes. But there is definetly something to be said for our parents theory of getting kids to bed early!!

 

[MickeyMonstersMom]

I have no issues at all with the family bed, except that it deprives me of sleep. DD 10 and DS 7 have been in my room in sleeping bags for a few months now, throughout the winter in our new house. At one time DD did very well in her own room until her dad and I divorced when she was 4. She refused to sleep anywhere but my bed for almost 2 years, at which point her brother was old enough to observe her behavior and feel like he was missing something in his room. As a result, it has been an uphill battle for several years to get a decent night's sleep. We'd made progress until buying the house, and now DD feels isolated in her loft bedroom - she was so excited to have the entire upstairs to entertain her friends, but now feels lonely up there - and I figured if she didn't want to sleep up there I could save money on heat by keeping her down with me. Of course, DS needs to be in mom's room if his sister is, so here we are. At first I let them have mattresses, but as the weather warmed and I tried to get them back into their own rooms, I told them they'd have to use sleeping bags on the floor to stay with me - and they said that would be fine! Both kids know that everyone is going to start sleeping in their own rooms after we get back from Florida in a few weeks. That said, even I will miss the company to some extent. I like the idea of letting them stay in my room on weekends - sounds like a good compromise.

 

[crisi]

Sleeping bags in your room are good. Another idea is to go back to his room with him and cuddle him back to sleep - you might even want to throw an aerobed on his floor, you walk him back and sleep on his floor. Did this with my son when he was very little (2) and it worked great.

You can try to make his room a cool place for him - buy an indoor tent and let him sleep in that. My kids have bunkbeds and I've velcro'd material to the bottom of the top bunk - turning the bottom bunk into a cozy place.

 

[va32h]

My kids have always been expected to sleep in and stay in their own beds. However, when my husband was deployed, my 2 oldest (then 7 and 3) started wanting to sleep with me. I let them at first, but they are both very restless sleepers and would kick me or each other, in the face, the stomach or any other part they could reach. They really thrash around.

My bed is not very big, and I absolutely hated having two thrashing little bodies in it. This does not make me a bad or unloving mother! It just means that at the end of the day - a day in which I couldn't even pee without an audience, and these children are the only other human beings I had spoken to all day - I wanted a little privacy.

So I told them they would have to take turns. That sort-of solved the problem, but when my husband came home, we simply didn't want either one of them in our bed. After not seeing my spouse for 18 months - I wanted to be able to snuggle up to DH, not the kids. Again, that does not mean I don't love my children! It means I love my husband too - and he is as entitled to snuggling and affection as the children are.

By this time, the kids were almost 9 and almost 5. The 9 year old was easy; we simply said "you are too big to fit in our bed anymore". And she had reached the age where she wanted privacy too.

The 5 year old has been a little tougher. At first I would just return him to his bed no matter how many times he came into ours. When he was particularly stubborn, I set up a baby gate in front of his door. It only took a few nights of that, then he realized we were serious about him staying in his bed.

I realize that I am in the minority here, but I don't think that parents should have to sacrifice their own beds, or peaceful nights sleep, just because a child wants to sleep with them. My kids also want to stop going to school and eat ice cream for breakfast and for me to buy them every toy they see on TV.

My kids are showered with attention and affection all day long. They will not feel unloved or unwanted if they are expected to sleep in their own beds.

 

[CharmedLife]

We never did a family bed, and my 4 1/2 DD never wanted to sleep with us until her little brother was born 2 years ago. Then it was just occasionally, not a big deal. Over the last year, though, she has decided that she LOVES to sleep in bed with me and would come in every night. We were always too tired to take her back to her bed or say no and have an argument, so she wound up sleeping in bed with us. It was a big problem for a while - we have a queen with and with DH, myself and DD it was too crowded - I'm a light sleeper, so I never got any sleep with all three of us there. So, DH wound up sleeping on the couch or in her bed. Grumpy husband makes grumpy wife...

So, her preschool teacher suggested that we use the sleeping bag trick - she can come to sleep in our room, but has to sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag. She was happy with this, and it only took one night of her complaining before she was used to it. This cut down on her coming in from about 5 nights a week to 2 - 3.

Then we instituted "Friday Night Family Nights". We make our own pizza, watch a kids movie that she picks out (although we usually end up watching whatever is on Disney Channel!!) and then she gets to sleep in our bed. Knowing that there is a day of the week that she can sleep in our bed has almost eliminated her coming into our room the rest of the week. She barely even uses the sleeping bag anymore. She is constantly asking "is it Friday??" but is okay with waiting until it actually is.

The only exceptions we make are when she's sick or there's a storm - who doesn't need a cuddle then??

 

[slenderella]

When we went to Disney World in 2002, My DH and I had 2 DD 9 and 3 sleeping in our bed. When we finally got to the room at AKL, the girls were so tired that they didn't even try to sleep in our bed. The slept in their own bed and slept all night. Whew. That was it. No more sleeping with us. YEAH!!!

 

[chrisn]

First off, thanks to everyone for the great ideas! My DS does not lay in one spot. He is all over the bed. He lays across my legs, knees me in the kidneys, elbows me in the eyeball, thrashes around, slaps his arm across my face, his heel in my stomache etc, etc etc. Also about the sleepwalking. I haven't caught him sleep walking but he has sleep wakened to where he will just sit up and stare into space and not be aware really of anything but is kind of upset. I think he's got my number and started using the bad dream expanation as his favorite excuse. I LOVE the rewards ideas!

 

[Chris]

Please don't scold me, It's terrible situation. My sweet baby girl slept in her own basinet, then her own crib, then her own bed....for a minute. By the time we finally got her out of our bed, she was 8 (I know, I know). She is now 17 and sleeps in her own beautiful bedroom downstairs.

Enter boo-boo baby number two. My sweet baby boy slept in his own basinet, then his own crib, then his own bed....for a couple minutes. Aaaaaaahhhhh. He's now 7. I can't keep him out of our bed. Every night I personally put him to bed in his own room in his own bed at 9:00. If I'm lucky, he stays there all night about three nights a week. The other four he wakes up in the middle of the night and floats into my bed like a little butterfly to snuggle. He says he has bad dreams. Most of the time we let him fall back to sleep then tote him back to his own bed. Sometimes we do this two or three times. He's a terrible sleeper and so is his dad. Between the two of them, I become a sandwich. I know it's a really horrid situation but I could really use some advice. He likes to play Roller Coaster Tycoon type PC games and so I've been grounding him from the computer. That only works about half the time. I'm at my wits end. Any words of wisdom? Please be kind!

I"ll be too kind! My oldest <10> slept w/us til he was about 6, then he would go in his own room, one of us would lay down w/him etc., he'd end up back in our room w/in a few hours! Now it's down to a few times a week that he ends up w/us. Neither my husband or I mind though.
My 3 <almost 4> year old has slept w/us since day one.
My other kids never really did, but once in a while I"ll wake up and one of them will be in the bed too!

Since it's bothering you, what about setting up a sleeping bag on the floor BESIDE your bed and then move it closer & closer to the door during the week, <obviously he's not in it while you're moving it >

sorry, that's the best I can come up with!

 

[4greatboys]

I think reward would be your best bet getting him to sleep in his own bed. Maybe he gets a good mark for every night he stays there and at the end of the week he gets something special like a trip to the movies or a game rental or something like that.
I have always been a co-sleeper. Personally I hate sleeping alone, always have. When my 2 oldest were little they slept with me then as they got bigger they slept in the same room together. My oldest stopped wanting to get into bed with me pretty much when they moved into their own room but ds #2 took longer which was fine with me. Now the years have flown by and oldest is going to be 18 and ds 2 is going to be 15. I do miss those snuggley days with them.
We do have 2 little ones that sleep with us 5 and 2--we have a king bed and yes I do get a little squished sometimes but I love having them there. As they get older they will move to their own room and grow up quickly and I plan to enjoy every cuddley, snuggley moment until then.

No flames here but I would never lock my child in their room to keep them in there and out of mine. Again no flaming but it does seem a little cruel to me. What if they are really scared or hear a noise or whatever.

 

[HIHO...HIHO]

I agree that we should take advantage of the years when they actually want to be near us! Some day soon, they won't want to cuddle and boy will I miss that! It'll all work out in time, as for now...enjoy them while they are little!

 

[RichNKatHolly]

So glad to hear we're not the only family bed in town. I must say though that I don't mind a bit. I love opening my eyes and seeing those little sleeping faces. I know it will be all too soon when they will want nothing to do with me. Mine are 5 and 2 this week so DS, DD and I sleep in the bed and poor DH switches between DD's bed, DSs bed and the firehouse (when he's working, not for a bed LOL)!

When DS falls asleep on the couch we can put him in his bed and most nights he won't end up with me until close to 5am.

Since it bothers you though and keeps you from sleeping, try a toddler mattress in your room or the sleeping bag. Tell them they can come into bed with you as soon as it's light out for a little snuggle time.

Second I would try the rewards but I think punishing or locking a child in their room over sleeping issues would do more harm than good. You want sleeping in their bed to be thought of as a nice thing not a punishment. I would also never say as a punishment, go to bed or to your room, that's a negative on the bedroom, it would be thought of as a bad place. Maybe take them to the store for some nice sheets or something that they pick out.

Good luck and please let us know how you make out! Most importantly, do whatever it takes so that you get a good night's sleep!

 

[Jenn]

To keep our daughter in her own bed around age 4 we had the "night-night fairy" pay a visit. Each night she went to bed, and stayed in her own bed, when she woke up there was a little something left for her by the night night fairy. We did this for 4 or 5 nights, leaving little things like bubbles, play dough, crayons, etc. After that, she stayed in her bed every night without a problem. The only time she comes in my bed now is if she has a nightmare or is sick. This is the also the method we used for the binkies. No tears, for them or me, and problem solved.

 

[mommic32]

If you figuire out a way to keep him in his room will you let me know?
My daughter who is 9! Has had sleeping problems all her life when she was an infant we had to run the "kirby sweeper" to get her to sleep! Then the next couple of years she shared a room with her sister and things seems fine, then older sisietr wanted her own room, it took my younger one the one who slept with the Kirby a month to adjust to sleeping in her own room, you know we did the "pick your paint, bedding etc" and the she was fine, We thought! Now since this past Christmas she has been coming in to our room and sleeping with us! She claims that her mind wont stop thinking and she cant sleep!! Now my hubby has been sleeping with her in her room in a twin bed since I have lost all patience with her and I am in a queen size all by myself,, (forgot my dog is also with me)but would love to have hubby back in our room again!
It is hard when you think things are going well one minute and the next it seems that you are back where you started! But it is the cutest thing to check on them both and kiss those cute faces!

 

[weregoingtodw]

I realize that I am in the minority here, but I don't think that parents should have to sacrifice their own beds, or peaceful nights sleep, just because a child wants to sleep with them. My kids also want to stop going to school and eat ice cream for breakfast and for me to buy them every toy they see on TV.

Please don't feel that you're in the minority! I think most of us here are of the "whatever works best for your family" mindset. Sounds like you've found what works best for your family & stuck with it - good for you!

I also like the baby gate idea. The door isn't locked shut, so your son can hear you and vice versa, but he's not able to freely wonder. In an emergency, you could easily swoop him out. You can also have visual contact if necessary. I think that's an excellent compromise for those who can't keep their munchkins in their own beds, but aren't huge fans of the family bed.

 

[weregoingtodw]

My motto has sort of become do whatever works. Of course I don't want my ds sleeping with me at 4,5,6, or beyond, but that's just me.

hth,
Cheryl

We have the same motto!

Cheryl, I've seen your son's picture in various thread around the Dis. I've been meaning to tell you - he's absolutely adorable! Sounds like he's quite a miracle as well!

 

[chobie]

I realize that I am in the minority here, but I don't think that parents should have to sacrifice their own beds, or peaceful nights sleep, just because a child wants to sleep with them. My kids also want to stop going to school and eat ice cream for breakfast and for me to buy them every toy they see on TV.

My kids are showered with attention and affection all day long. They will not feel unloved or unwanted if they are expected to sleep in their own beds.

No need to be defensive. No one here had implied that not letting your kids co-sleep is akin to neglecting them. Like the other posters have said, you found what worked for your family, we found what worked for us.

There have been studies that show good things about co-sleeping and those that show good things about not co-sleeping. It's a choice each family has to make and there is no right or wrong here.

 

[BrinxFam]

Enjoy it while you can...they grow up way too fast!

 

[KimWDW]

Maybe you can offer him a compromise. If he stays in his bed 6 nights a week, then one night a week he can sleep the whole night with you. Like Saturday night. It can be a fun family night with a movie, popcorn, and then he gets to sleep in your bed that one night.

He'll grow out of it eventually, but I can understand that you want your bed back.