OT. The Family Bed. Fellow Moms, I could use some advice!

[chrisn]

Please don't scold me, It's terrible situation. My sweet baby girl slept in her own basinet, then her own crib, then her own bed....for a minute. By the time we finally got her out of our bed, she was 8 (I know, I know). She is now 17 and sleeps in her own beautiful bedroom downstairs.

Enter boo-boo baby number two. My sweet baby boy slept in his own basinet, then his own crib, then his own bed....for a couple minutes. Aaaaaaahhhhh. He's now 7. I can't keep him out of our bed. Every night I personally put him to bed in his own room in his own bed at 9:00. If I'm lucky, he stays there all night about three nights a week. The other four he wakes up in the middle of the night and floats into my bed like a little butterfly to snuggle. He says he has bad dreams. Most of the time we let him fall back to sleep then tote him back to his own bed. Sometimes we do this two or three times. He's a terrible sleeper and so is his dad. Between the two of them, I become a sandwich. I know it's a really horrid situation but I could really use some advice. He likes to play Roller Coaster Tycoon type PC games and so I've been grounding him from the computer. That only works about half the time. I'm at my wits end. Any words of wisdom? Please be kind!

 

[tinaluis]

Is it a problem for you that he drifts into your bed some nights to snuggle? I'm sure I'll probably get flamed for this but I don't see it as a problem. We have three DDs (8, 6 and 3) and they are in and out of our bed at different times and we sometimes wake up with all three of them in bed with us (although that's rare because DH or I usually wake up and simply move to one of their beds to make a little more room). Without divulging too much information, I will say that when we want privacy we lock the door. Otherwise, I don't see a problem with them coming to our bed for a snuggle. It will be interesting to see what others have to say. Good luck to you. Sorry I don't have any suggestions.

 

[chrisn]

Actually, I like to snuggle with him. It makes me feel like he's still a little boy needing his mommy. But the problem is when we let him, he doesn't want to sleep in his bed at all. I tell him it's bedtime and he runs in and climbs in my bed. He could care less about his own room or bed and he has a really comfy pillow top bed. I think the biggest thing is that when there are three of us in the bed, I'm not comfortable and I can't sleep. I have mentioned this to others and most people just gasp. He is a "young" 7 year old, maybe I should hang on and snuggle a little longer?

 

[oogieboogie]

My kids get to sleep in my room on the weekends. Maybe you can use the same incentive with your DS. Tell him if he stays in his own bed on the weekdays, he can sleep in your room on Friday and Saturday nights. Then get him a sleeping bag so he sleeps in your room but on the floor.

My sons are 7 and 4 and yes, sometimes they will sleep with me on the bed and DH will sleep in their room. I don't see anything wrong with it. They're your kids and who cares what other people think.

 

[cbrfan]

Whenever our DD wanted to sleep in our room she could, but it was on the floor at the foot of our bed. That rule came into effect when she kicked me in the eye while we were sleeping and flattened my cornea. Ouch! After a while she discovered that her bed was much more comfortable and just started going there on her own.

 

[ksjayhawkfan]

Our 2 oldest(DD-6 and DS-8) just started sleeping in their own beds this past October. They had always shared a room and we finally were able to buy a bigger house. Now they thinks its the greatest thing in the world to have their own room. They also sleep in our room one night a weekend. And that has worked very well. We have our 4 month olds crib in our room and are planning on keeping him in it lol.

 

[EthansMom]

Don't flame me, but one option would be to install a doorknob with a lock on the outside of tyour son's bedroom door and then lock the door when you go to bed. I did this for a while with DS when we first moved him into a toddler bed -- when he would wake up and get out of bed, he would go to the door, find it locked and put himself back in bed. He cried the first few nights but then got to where he would go back to bed without any fuss.

I was in a bit of turmoil about locking DS in his room (thought it might be a safety problem if there was a fire or something), but my brother who is a cop and used to be a firefighter assured me that as long as the room was baby-proofed it would be the safest place for him in an emergency. Basically, he said, "Do you want your son to be able to wonder around in the house during a fire or do you want to know exactly where he is?"

Don't know if this would work in your situation, but thought I'd offer it up as an option...

 

[cocowum]

Whenever our DD wanted to sleep in our room she could, but it was on the floor at the foot of our bed. That rule came into effect when she kicked me in the eye

Sorry, but that just struck me as hilarious

 

[Bird-Mom]

How about a mattress in your room? Or push a mattress for him up next to your bed? You can get this great pillow called a "snugtuck" pillow (just add the dot com). It is a long pillow that attaches around the mattress, and it would keep him on his side.

Would picking out some cool new sheets keep him in his own room? Maybe some kind of reward system where for X number of nights in his own room he earns something meaningful to him.

I don't have any problems with the family bed. We have one with both DDs in it. Very cozy! The older one starts off the night in her own bed in our room and comes in to our bed a few hours later. I firmly believe that they will end up in their own beds when they are ready. Your ds must need something-extra snuggles are very important! I think forcing a child in his own bed/room is not a good thing, and I most certainly would never lock anyone in a room.

Or you could let him sleep with your dh and take over ds's comfy mattress! LOL When I get to take a nap by myself, I sprawl all over our king bed. I daydream about it.

 

[weregoingtodw]

If it makes you feel better, my DD9 has slept in my room pretty much the entire time my hubby was overseas. While he was home on leave, she went right back to her bed. When he left again, she bounced right back in.

Don't flame me, but one option would be to install a doorknob with a lock on the outside of tyour son's bedroom door and then lock the door when you go to bed.

My DD doesn't feel as secure when he's gone, and quite frankly, I can't imagine locking her in her room at any time, but especially when she's scared. Just reading that someone would do that, not to mention advise others to, makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Please, at least ask your pediatrician regarding that particular practice, and anyone else who's considering it, please reconsider.

 

[crazymomof4]

I think the biggest thing is that when there are three of us in the bed, I'm not comfortable and I can't sleep.

This was my problem too. I don't advise for or against the family bed since it is a personal decision. But for me I can't sleep with a third person in the bed, heck, some nights I can't even sleep with DH

Even when DS8 or DD4 come into our room for the occassional bad dream I usually end up leaving them in there w/ DH and going to sleep in their beds. This works bc. it doesn't happen very often.

Here are three general rules of thumb that I found works with my kids in most situations.

1. Explain things to them. [Try telling your son how difficult it is for you to sleep. I remember telling a friend who favors the family bed that if I had a family bed I know it would affect the quality of my mothering during the day. After a few nights of bad sleep I become grouchy and short tempered. At 7 your DS may be able to understand and want to do what is best for his mommy. Also, if you explain this to him he will know that you are not rejecting his snuggling.]

2. Make changes slowly...no cold turkey. [Maybe allow him to make a bed next to your bed for a 1 month period. After that specify that he is allowed to make a bed in the hall outside your bedrm door but not come in the bedroom. Slowly move him in the direction of his own room. Make sure you hold to the progression though, my friend never did and her 14 yo DS
still occassionally comes to sleep on the floor beside her bed!!]

3. Positive Reinforcement. [Reward him for nights spent in his room. If he stays in his bed all night for a whole week buy a toy, take hime to the movies, go out for ice cream......what ever works. Decide on the reward ahead of time so that he has something to work toward.]


Being a parent is tough sometimes. I sympathize!

 

[adisneymama]

Here is my suggestion for what it is worth. I would make up a reward chart for him. He gets a sticker for each night that he sleeps in his room. He is allowed to come in and snuggle only on the weekends. But he has to earn all of his stickers for the week first. Then since he loves the computer games so much make that his very special Reward. If he gets all of his stickers for 2 wks strait then he gets a new game or a little extra play time. (Of course you know your son, so whatever time frame you feel is appropriate for him) Then as he is doing better, extend the time frame. Instead of 2 wks he has to go 3 wks, also extend the reward but only by a little. For instance if his original reward was an extra 20 mins of game time then extend it to 30 mins. It shouldn't take long before the routine is set in. Also, talk to him to see if there is more than one reason he is coming into your room. He says he is having bad dreams but is he waking up scared of the dark? If so, let him pick out a flash light and make a game of "mashing those monsters". Letting him keep the flashlight with him in the bed should really help. Either way GL!

One thing about locking the door: For a lot of children it is a matter of them just being disobedient rather than actually being scared. This is the reason some people install the locks on the door. I have also heard of others that put the child proof covers on the inside of the door so that they can't get out. This isn't something that I recommend, but don't think someone should be flamed over it either. I do recommend talking to your pediatrician first.

 

[HIHO...HIHO]

I agree with the sleeping bag at the foot of our bed but I will get to that in a minute! My DS7 still has nightmares occasionally, and comes into our room but we just got in the habit of walking him back to his room and putting him to bed. At first they resist, but they get it eventually (maybe after the 50th time!) He has been a strong-willed kid since birth I swear, and he is getting better...we just keep taking him to his room and not letting him lay down with us. Doesn't happen too often anymore.
But for the sleeping bag, sometimes on the weekend only, we let him plop down in his sleeping bag in our room. I figure that this will get uncomfortable after a while! But only on the weekends, and many times he forgets anyway!
My DD5 on the other hand...would not ever think of sleeping with us! Even as a baby she slept better in her crib and would not sleep with us if I wanted her to! She doesn't seem to have the nightmares that my son does,
I guess '1 out of 2 ain't bad'

 

[Mom to Jordan]

Hey I know your story. DS slept in his own craddle, his own crib till he was three and then in his own bed ,ONE night. We tried EVERYTHING. I locked the door once for a couple minutes and it was horrible. He truly freaeked out. We finally gave up and he slept with us till he was about 5. Then it was a combination of his bed our bed and a matress on the floor in our room. He was 8 or 9 before he really stoped sleeping in our bed. My DH is often gone at night and I really kind of liked having him near me so I added to the problem. He STILL has some sleep issues but at least can sleep in his own room though he perfers the floor of my room still. The sleeping thing is his ONLY issue. He is bright, outgoing and well liked by other kids. He is self confident and has no other fears other than he will have a hard time falling asleep. I assure myself he will NOT want me to go along on his honeymoon!!! HE is going to a 7 night camp this summer so that will be a real test!!! Don't make it a bigger deal than it is. The truth is MANY kids sleep with the parents but they just don't tell!!!!

Jordan's mom

 

[laughinplace199]

He likes to play Roller Coaster Tycoon type PC games and so I've been grounding him from the computer. That only works about half the time.

I would recommend rewarding him for staying in his bed instead of grounding him for coming into yours. I don't think you can really ground him for behavior that has been allowed his whole life. If he's been sleeping in your bed for 7 years, it's going to be hard for him to break the habit. Perhaps you could make a reward chart together and allow him to pick a prize or a treat after he spends x number of nights in his bed.

Good luck!

 

[iwannbindisnee]

I can relate--although I do think you have it worse. we have 2 children 2 years apart-up until they were 12 & 10, (they are 18 & 16 now!)we set aside one night that they were allowed to sepnd the night in our room on the floor in sleeping bags--we all fell asleep talking about the day or the show we had just watched on tv. This all started b/c my son wanted to come into the room & sleep w/ us about 4 nights out of 7. So early on we started the sleeping bag....I am like you-cannot sleep in a crowded bed. he always started out in his bed but a nightmare (or a sound or he couldn't sleep, etc)would bring him in ours! As he got older he stopped coming in as frequently, but we always let him know he could if he had a nightmare, just come in & pull out the sleeping bag. Our daughter knew she had the option too. I think once they knew if something woke them up & they needed us, that they merely had to stroll into our room & they would be safe. We told them if they wanted to talk to us, wake us up (as if I wouldn't hear them!) or they could jsut go to sleep. Taking away the fear & stress of having to call out to us & get us to come to them, made things easy. I hope things work out.

 

[wasabi girl]

I've soo been there! My lovely DD, now 17, started out in her crib and was fine, then, as a toddler for whatever reason, bad dreams, couldn't sleep...whatever, nearly every night she'd end up in our bed. She didn't usually start out with us but we'd wake up and there she was. For a while it was okay, then she got bigger, the bed didn't, We tried everything we could think of to get her to stay in her room but no success. We finally figured that if she did anything for 30 days it would become a habit so we tried..bribery...we told her that if she stayed in her room for 30 nights we'd pay her $30 (this was a loong time ago $30 was warth more then!). So she did stay in her room for 1 night and wanted $1. We said, "nope. You have to do it for 30 days in a row, then you will get $30 whole dollars". She said "I'm not doing it then". So she didn't, then. A few months later I slammed my finger in the car door, it hurt, throbbing, everything...I had to sleep with my arm/hand/throbbing painful finger on a pillow. I said, you had better not come jump in bed with me tonight, if you hurt my finger and you are not personally dying or close to it, I will be mad, and I will yell at you. So she didn't come that night and the next morning asked me if "that $30 thing would still work?" We told her sure. So she started staying in her own bed. Finally. through the years when her dad would travel away from home, she would think of it as a treat to come sleep with me...those days are now over BUT we still have our best discussions, perched in my bed late at night...
So I guess my advice would be...when all else fails, try bribing your children, it works!

 

[chobie]

Another co-sleeper here. DD slept with us until age 7. DS is now 7 and comes into our bed about 4 times a week. After the age of 8, DD never came into our room again, though sometimes she asks me to lay down with her for a few minutes in her bed, which I will do. Eventually they all learn to sleep on their own. I've been flamed on another board here for saying I don't see the big deal in co-sleeping, but I'll say it again anyway.

 

[all4fun]

He says he has bad dreams. Most of the time we let him fall back to sleep then tote him back to his own bed. Sometimes we do this two or three times. He's a terrible sleeper and so is his dad.

I really keyed in on the last sentence here. How are they "terrible sleepers"? No one has mentioned this so I will just put it out there...do you think either of them have a sleep disorder of some sort? I have been doing some research on this for my own ds and that is the only reason I thought I would bring it up. If you google "child sleep disorders" you actually come up with quite a bit of info. Here's on site I found about it: American Family Physician: Sleep disorders and sleep problems in childhood . I may totally be off base but I thought I would just throw it out there for you to consider since no one else has mentioned it.

btw, it's nice to see that we're not the only ones allowing our child to sleep with us. My motto has sort of become do whatever works. Of course I don't want my ds sleeping with me at 4,5,6, or beyond, but that's just me.

hth,
Cheryl

 

[Disneyonmymind]

Hi ChrisN
I just wanted to pipe in here that I think kids really mature between 7 and 8. My DD and her classmates started 2nd grade at age 7 as "little kids" and finished that year at age 8 as "big kids". It was a shock to me, really. Even though the growing up process is gradual, there seemed to be a big jump around this time.

I don't know why I felt compelled to say that and how exactly it applies to your situation. Because your son already stays in his bed 3 nights out of 7, maybe he is growing out of that stage gradually. If it were me, I'd keep making him start in his bed and, if he has nightmares and floats over, ah well... Snuggle him now, he'll be a big boy soon.

BTW, I have never had a problem with the family bed. Our DD8 slept with us until age 2 or so but, for years afterwards, we snuggled with her in her queen bed until she fell asleep. Many nights we fell asleep and spent the better part of the night in there so it was really another version of the family bed. She now goes to bed by herself but she'd be glad to rejoin us, given half a chance. Now there's no room for her because DD2 has that spot .

Jackie