OT - Teasing on the bus - long!

[fan_of_small_world]

I'm here to get advice from other parents who've been through this...

Background - On our street is a girl, "B," one grade behind DS7 who is bossy and often mean to certain children she decides she doesn't like, including my kids and another neighbor's child (but only 1 of her 3 kids gets treated this way - the neighbor thinks B is jealous of the one child). She's also at our bus stop. Her older brother is one grade ahead of DS. After school and on weekends they all play together (our kids, B, her brother, and several other kids from the neighborhood), but DH or I are always outside keeping an eye on things. I'd love to say they can't play with her at all anymore, but given the neighborhood that just isn't realistic - they all play together in a big group, and if I pulled mine out the others would probably stay, leaving mine with nobody at all to play with.

B is the kid who does something wrong and blames someone she doesn't like (it happened right in front of me last year), she yells at other kids what to do, orders them around, never seems to have something nice to say, etc. I tried so hard to give her the benefit of the doubt, but after a while you just have to realize that some kids just don't act very nice. (I do feel sorry for her, but my children are my children and I'm going to look out for them.)

Last year on the bus B said unkind things about DS, along the usual lines of what little kids torture each other about (you have a girlfriend, etc.). Luckily, she was only in kindergarten, so he only had to deal with her one-way and her seat (they have assigned seats) eventually get moved because she was causing other problems on the bus (unrelated to my son). So although it still happened once in a while, the frequency was such that he could deal with it. I always told him that I could drive him, but he actually likes taking the bus, despite her.

Still with me? (Sorry, some of this is venting, I guess...)

They all played together OK during the summer, with some incidents but not too many (as least compared to before). Well, we're back on the bus, she's landed in a seat right in front of DS, and the teasing has started up again. We try to coach DS to ignore her (and anyone else that says something mean), but it's tough to do that, even for adults. He doesn't want to change seats, since he has other friends he likes near him.

Does anyone have any suggestions for what one child can say to another kid who teases? I don't want him to get into trouble by saying something way out of line, but sitting there taking it every day is tough. If it keeps up I am going to say something to the driver. I'd like to say something to the parent, but everyone here knows (many from experience) that they turn a blind eye to their children's faults.

Any help out there?

Thanks so much (in advance) for your thoughts. And please, if something doesn't make sense, I'll try to clarify!

 

[disney-super-mom]

Hmmmm - tough situation for sure.

You said that your son doesn't want to change seats because he has other friends sitting close to him. Why don't they (him and his friends) get together and do something to get the point through to her that they don't like her teasing.

For example, the next time she teases your son on the bus, he should turn to his friends and say, "Did you hear something?" and his friends would say, "No, I didn't hear anything." and so on and so forth. She would probably find that very annoying.

Also, have your son take something special that he could share with his friends (stickers, fruit roll-ups, gum, or whatever), and at the bus stop, or on the bus, or when all the neighbor kids are playing together, he could offer some to his "real friends". Now, she may not say anything if he doesn't share with her(she may be embarrassed)...or...she may ask him or tell him that she wants a treat too, which gives your son a great opportunity to tell her, "No way! If you were my friend, you wouldn't tease me all the time!" That might teach her that if she wants others to be nice to her, then she needs to be nice to them.

I would teach your son that the best way to deal with situations like this is to take the offensive position, not meanly, but keenly.

 

[Desnik]

This is a tough one. I have a DD 8 years old and I have taught her to ignore the teasing if it happens to her. She really hasn't had to deal with this kind of thing. But last year she had some issues with some girls on the playground. It blew over in a week and now they're at BFF!! That's why I try not to get involved with kids stuff. It's so hard because you want to protect your kid.

My advice to you would be to first talk to the parents. Even if it gets you no where, I would still do it. I would notify the bus driver and the school. I'm sure they know about this kid already. If your son doesn't want to have his seat moved on the bus then he will just have to keep ignoring her. Eventually she'll find someone else to tease, unfortunately. Also, I would not let my kids play with her. If her parents don't give her consequences for her actions then that's there business. But, I would not let this kid think it is OK to treat my kids like that and still get to play with them. I'm sure your kids will have other playmates besides this kid. Does she tease the other kids or just your DS? Does he do anything else besides ignore her to try and deal with it?
DD has just told me in the past that she has had teasing issues and she told me she'll just walk away from the person, ignore them. If she's on the bus she said she would tell the bus driver, or tell the teacher at school.
Good luck!

 

[bopper]

How about:

"Why do you keep teasing me? Do you like me or something?"

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

I have to agree with the no playing with her thing. It's obvious to her that the teasing is not bothersome, since he still plays with her.

I had a similar situation as a kid. I was a private school kid that had to ride to public school bus, since my school was so small and did not have its own bus system. WELL one little uniformed gal with all these other kids was not fun! i was made fun of, laughed at and the like, but i ignored them (always reading a book) and it eneded after the first 2 weeks of school

I never got my parents involved, i knew i could handle it on my own, so not really sure what they would have done.

 

[fan_of_small_world]

Thanks for all of the suggestions. I knew I could come here for some good advice!

I truly wish I could prevent them from playing in the same group, but the way the kids around here play, everyone is out front riding bikes in a big group, including my children as well as the girl. To keep my kids away would mean keeping them away from the other children as well, several of whom are very nice. Even her older brother and my son get along. I am working with DS to try to limit his direct contact with her as much as possible when they're all out there, for the same reason that Desnik said. I also don't allow them to play with her if she is the only one out.

I have to say that I'm really proud of him for not reacting in an inappropriate way (teasing back, etc). I know he'll get through this! I just wanted some good phrases he could use that could let him "give it back" without going over the line. (I'm not creative enough myself to come up with "good ones" - I've always admired people who have witty comebacks, LOL!) I also don't want to step in too far myself; as long as he can handle it I think it's good for him to learn to deal with all kinds of people, since he'll certainly come across them later in life. And, he tells me a lot about what goes on at school in general, so I'm pretty confident that we'll also know if it starts going too far.

Thanks again, and if anyone else had ideas, I'll keep reading!!

 

[java]

Time to just speak to the bus driver and have her moved again. But I have to say that I love the"why are you teasing me do you like me?" line the best.

 

[mmeb144]

What about talking to the troublemaker herself? I work in a library, it works really well just talking to the kids in a respectful tone. You model the behavior for them. No one likes to be teased. She may really like your DS, but doesn't know how to show it.

My DD suggested that your DS say, "I am rubber and you are glue, it bounces off me and sticks to you!"

Marie

 

[mamato2princesses]

How about:

"Why do you keep teasing me? Do you like me or something?"

Loooooove this one!!! Practice with ds...maybe he can get the "innocent eyes" thing going as he says it !!! BUT.......horrifying thing is it's probably TRUE!!! The little troublemaker has a crush!

 

[fakereadhed]

How about:

"Why do you keep teasing me? Do you like me or something?"

Love that!

My advice is to let your DS work it out himself. Life is full of difficult people- figuring out how to deal with them is one of the challenges we all face.

 

[badblackpug]

It doesn't seem to me that your son is too bothered by the teasing. Just explain to your son that B is a "little girl" (she is younger than him, right?) and not as mature and to just laugh her off.
Believe me, if your son and his friends actually laugh at her antics a few times she will stop. Tell him to just treat her like a pesky little sister, annoying, but harmless.

 

[Deesknee]

This may sound strange but, you may get some interesting input from the teen forum. My ds has been teased on a regular basis since first grade or so. One of the worst was a neighbor. He has been through it all. I mean, truly, even some slight physical stuff. He goes on the teen boards on occasion. I don't want to get into how we handled the situations, because each tormentor seemed to be a different solution. (yet there always seems to be a new "bully" with each year).

Good luck, and God Bless.

ps I beleive my ds to be a remarkably tolerant person. Due, I'm sure, in no small part to this kind of treatment.

 

[Hope73]

This happened to my son on the bus as well. I called and complained and my son was put on the front of the bus. Isn't that punishing my son?

Anyway it was a sixth grader who was harassing my son who was 5 at the time and in kindergarten. So bad that the older boy bammed my kid's head against the metal rail at the bottom of the bus and my son had a goose egg.

We did call school, bus co and parent on this one. I guess my son who was only 5 really wanted to sit at the back of the bus and this was the sixth graders turf. My little guy lost all of his recesses for 6 days and the sixth grader I don't know what happened to him.

Moral of the story the kids will deal wiht it. I was proud of my guy for not complaining through his punishmen that I didn't agree with but I held my tongue. He learned to leave bigger kids alone.

 

[dianemb]

Let your child deal with it first. He is the one who is directly invilved. Let him ask you when he needs help.

The best thing to do is ignore them. Kids are always going thru like/dislikeing each other. My son is 11 and the bully on the street has been his friend sometimes and not others. They usually tend to work it out.

By the way the bullies are usually the biggest babies around. They tend to get really upset when their picked on. We always tell our son somedat somebody bigger is going to pick on him and he'll be the one who's sorry.

 

[norcalmouse]

"Wow, she must really like you"

Is what the beautiful older brunette said to me loud enough
that the girl that was teasing me could hear. Solved that
problem, and it turns out later she DID like me according to
her sister.

I agree, parents should try no to get involved. As a coach
I tell the parents come to me, and then I address it.
One thing I always do with the younger ones is get down
on my knees so we are looking eye to eye when I talk
serious with them. Sometimes I have to coach the
parents about biting their tongues and letting the
the kids resolve some problems on their own. I also
check with the kid being targetted to subtly find out
if it is really bothering them. I had one boy that told
me he felt sorry for the teaser since his mom was in
jail (!) so he let the kid tease him. We don't give kids
enough credit sometimes.

 

[matthew&haleysmom]

Hopefully this will work out for you. My dd, 6, is very spunky. Thank goodness because she wears hearing aides and has had more than her fair share of teasing. Two sisters live a couple of houses down the street and had been downright mean to my dd for months. I tried to explain to my dd that you can be friends with everyone, ignore the girls, etc. One day the girls started teasing my dd. I was walking over to say something. My dd turned around, looked at the girls and said - "I can't believe those ugly words come out of your mouths. You are only teasing me because you have no real friends." I stood still not knowing what to say. The girls have not teased my dd since.

BTW, the girls wanted to come over this summer after they realized that we have a pool, trampoline, swing set, etc. in the back yard. They asked my dd if they could come play in her back yard. She told them, I tried to be your friend for a long time. You were so mean to me, I do not want you to play with my stuff now.

 

[lovethattink]

When I was in elementary school there were 4 kids that most of the kids on the bus picked on.

The one child was due to his name. He was Kalpesh, but his mom nick named him Kalpu that sounded very much like cow poo. He always looked at the kids like they were crazy when they made fun of him. He kept his head held high, shoulders back, and pretty much acted like he really didn't care what they thought. He was very sucessful as an adult. Another child was teased for his name too. His last name was Habecker and the kids called him Haboogie. He also acted like he didn't really care. He too held his head high.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case for another child. She wore a red coat every day and had red hair. The kids called her Red and taunted her endlessly. She held her head low, shoulders shrumped, and everyone knew it bothered her. When she was older, she committed suicide. Those idiots who picked on her felt guilty for taunting her as a child.

The other child wore ugly shoes and only had a couple outfits she wore to school. The kids taunted her endlessly. So much so that the family picked up and moved.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that bullying abounds. What is worse is when others join in against a child. I think posture and reaction to the bullying play a big part. Teach your child to stand proud. Assure your child how special he or she is. If your child is going to use a come back line, practice it. Mental bullying is just as bad as the physical form. Many schools have a 0 tolerance towards bullies, but they can't do anything about it, if they don't know about it.

 

[Mono~rail]

I think the best thing to do is ignore "B." It seems she's looking for a reaction so the best thing to do is not give her one. She'll get bored and stop. It won't stop immediately, but it will lessen with each day until it eventually ends.

My parents are older. When I was a kid, my parents were always at least a decade or more older than my friends' parents. In 7th grade, there were these 2 girls that were teasing me. They would even steal stuff out of the locker room and say they saw me doing it. I kept getting lunch room duty as my punishment for stealing. Eventually the girls got caught stealing and the teachers, principal, and my parents realized it wasn't me. But anyway, my mom would give me these stupid comebacks to say to the two girls. I look back now, and I think "How did my mom think that was good advice?" An example, my mom told me to tell them they had "E.J. Mass." That stood for envy, jealousy, malice, and spite. Using my mom's "comebacks" only made me a bigger laughing stock.

Unfortunately, children like "B" grow up and have the same habits as adults. My first job out of nursing school had a grown up "B." Yes, sad to say but an adult made fun of me and teased me as if we were junior high students. People who knew her growing up said she has been this way since they knew her in elementary school. Whenever she would say her rude remarks I just looked at her straight in the eyes and didn't say a word. I eventually transferred off that unit and someone else came along to take my place and she bullied that nurse. It is very sad that an adult could act like her.

 

[Lizzy2]

In our school system there is absolutely zero tolerance for bullying and that is exactly what this is. Speaking as a former kid who was bullyied and teased throughout school my vote would be for the school and both sets of parents involved in this so the little dear fully understands that this is WRONG
Haven't we learned enough about how kids work things out themselves? They put up with the BS for years and then go nuts and shoot up the school.
It is NEVER ok for one kid to make another feel uncomfortable in anyway. Your son should not feel terrorized riding the school bus. Get busy, Mom, and protect your kid. Let the other parents know that you expect them to keep their kid in line or get a restraining order to keep her away.(then it will be even more their responsibility to control their kid)Conversations like this burn me up!!!!!! Why should your DS be upset about riding the school bus? Its not right and it CAN be fixed.

 

[mom2my3kids]

In our school system we have a no bullying policy. Kids don't have to be bullied like we did as kids. Say something to the bus driver, if that don't work then go to the principal at the school. That should stop it quick..