OT: Teaching my toddler manners?

[jpeka65844]

DS is 3 1/2 and is very grumpy with strangers and people he doesn't see often. However, I believe it's progressed beyond "stranger danger" and is now just bad manners. When someone says hello to him he frowns at them and says "No!" and refuses to be a part of the conversation

I want him to be as pleasant to other people as he is to his family. He's a very nice little boy, otherwise.

What are some things you do to teach your toddler manners?

 

[dogodisney]

How often is he around other people outside your home?
He may need to spend more time around others so he can learn social skills. If he is at home with you all the time, he needs to do things were he can interact with other people.

 

[poohfriend77]

My DD4 is very shy around people she doesn't know well (and even a few she has known since birth ). She's never purposefully rude, but she'll hide her head and refuse to answer if they ask her a question. For the record, she is around other kids a lot, and she goes to preschool and talks to her teachers. She just is very quiet when she's not in her "comfort zone."

I've found that it just makes things worse if I try to force her to say something. If we just kind of ignore her and continue with our conversation, sometimes she'll jump in. For example, if someone asks her if she goes to preschool and she won't answer, I'll say, "Yes, she goes to school two days a week, but she doesn't like it at all. Her teacher is really mean." Usually by then she'll giggle and say, "No! I like my school and Mrs. O is really nice!"

It sounds like maybe your DS is turning this into a power struggle. I know it's frustrating because you think he's using bad manners, but maybe you could back down a bit. Tell him it's OK if he doesn't want to talk to someone, but he should try not to hurt their feelings. Good luck!

 

[mom2meiko]

i am a firm believer in manners for children of all ages and have already started working on please and thank you with my dd who is not quite 2. that being said, i'm totally ok with kids not talking to people they don't know - why encourage them to be friendly with strangers when there are so many creepy people in the world? i would say let it go and your lo will come around on his own soon enough.

 

[Karlzmom]

i'll add my two cents....I think you are dealing with 2 issues. First, there is your child's innate personality, which may or may not be outgoing. Second, is how to handle the outward manifestation of that personality.

Our 3 year old is home with DH, so by some people's estimation he is not being "socialized", whatever that means. Yet he is incredibly outgoing - that's just his personality. Its entirely possible that your child is simply reserved, or maybe even shy....and that's not a bad thing in an off itself. Everyone is different, and kids are as entitled to their preferences as anyone else.

I do understand your concerns about "rudeness", and that can be worked on. Try practicing the greetings you'd like you child to use. Explain in basic words that your child is not expected to hug/kiss/talk long/whatever, but that a hello [or what ever is your minimal expectation] is required. Role play with stuffed toys that your child loves...no threat, can be a game. Make sure you model the behavior you want to see. It may seem formal to greet your spouse that way, but children love to ape what they see their parents do. Most important, keep in mind its not a quick fix....as parents we train our children over time, and its an ongoing process. You will both be happier if you can work on the "musts" and then let them be who they are.

 

[bumbershoot]

I too agree that this isn't really "manners". This is his personality, and helping him work towards not saying "no", but perhaps just staying quiet, would be good. DS is really outgoing (unlike his dreadfully shy, hermit, mama) and always has been, but he needs to be things on his terms when it comes to adults (he loves all children). So he'll sometimes burst into a situation being talkative, and other times he needs to hide behind me for a little while before saying anything. He doesn't like it when people are in his face and won't warm up to that, which I totally understand. So if he's in that mode I try to keep the situation from going there before it gets there, and if something kinda rude slips out, I apologize, explain that he's being a little shy that day (which sometimes prompts him to come out of his shell), and just move the conversation along.

 

[aidtrismommy]

Having your child in a play group is a great way for them to learn manners and social skills. My kids aren't in a day care and probably never will be, I take them to playgroup once a week and that's where they learn sooooo much. Not just playing with other children, but structure, transitions, patience, etc. There are many free groups around communities, or even a library story hour once a week. Children need to be around other children to socialize. (I am not assuming the OP doesn't socialize her child, I am just saying in general what can help in that situation.) The earlier you engage your children in groups, the easier it will be on them when it comes time for school, etc.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Our DGS 2 is VERY polite but VERY shy. There is no way he would talk to people he does not know very well. Even people he knows he takes some time to warm up to each time he sees them. I will introduce him to people when we meet up with someone but never expect him to reply.He always says please, thank-you, I'm sorry etc with us but to say that to someone he does not know is just too much for him yet. If someone give him something such as a balloon at the store we say thank-you together and I remind him that one day he will be ready to say it alone.

 

[MrsJD]

My dd is pretty good about these things, she is 3.5 yo. But my first thought was this...after someone says hello and he is '"rude" and says NO!, try simply saying "This is my friend and you don't have to talk to her, but when someone says hello, it is nice to say hello back." Try not to embarrass your son though b/c that can lead to major meltdown!! Hopefully as time goes on he will learn that its just easier to simply say hello back!?!?!

It'd be nice if someone told us how hard parenting was going to be!