OT-Sorry, I need to vent-sisters wedding

[robinb]

And I have not yet received an invitation which is why I was surprised to get the email.

It's been a long time ... but don't invitations go out 6 weeks before the wedding? I know some people do formal "save the date!" cards but I assume most of them are still quite informal via phone or email.

 

[luvmy3]

It's been a long time ... but don't invitations go out 6 weeks before the wedding? I know some people do formal "save the date!" cards but I assume most of them are still quite informal via phone or email.

Yes, this is way too early to get an invitation for a September wedding. We have one that month and we recieved a save the date card, but I don't expect the actual invitation until sometime between the end of June beginning of July.
I'm thinking that since its the OP's sister she was just making a general inquiry about who was going to be able to come. If the OP got back to her and said nobody then maybe she won't bother sending the invitation to them, and then they could add others to their guest list.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

It's been a long time ... but don't invitations go out 6 weeks before the wedding? I know some people do formal "save the date!" cards but I assume most of them are still quite informal via phone or email.

This is still the way it works.

I tend to think in terms of what I want for the next generation. I think it would be terribly sad if one of my children didn't want to attend a siblings wedding. I'd never be that kind of example.

 

[NemoMOm]

For my wedding I knew I had people coming from out of state and the books told me to mail them 6 mos in advance.

Im not sure why you keep harping on the date, how should I come up with the money? My DH works 2 jobs and is stressed about the extra medical bills. I guess I should make him work a 3rd

It's been a long time ... but don't invitations go out 6 weeks before the wedding? I know some people do formal "save the date!" cards but I assume most of them are still quite informal via phone or email.

 

[Debbie Jean]

For my wedding I knew I had people coming from out of state and the books told me to mail them 6 mos in advance.

Im not sure why you keep harping on the date, how should I come up with the money? My DH works 2 jobs and is stressed about the extra medical bills. I guess I should make him work a 3rd

I totally understand about the money and that you have a financial responsibility to your family... there are some people, however, who think they have the right to tell you how to spend what money you do have
That's why I wouldn't even raise the issue of finances with the family... I'd tell them the new baby makes it impossible to attend... but you will be thinking of them on the day and sending all good wishes their way

 

[micheleq]

Hugs again!

I forgot to mention that when DH and I were planning our wedding, we picked a date with the church and checked with our parents and siblings about the date before booking the reception. DH's older brother had his best friend's wedding the same day! We changed our date to the week after without hesitation.

Your sister should have some level of understanding about your situation. Of course I'm not implying that she change her wedding to a later date, but perhaps she and your mother need to be a little more sympathetic to your situation (both financial and health-wise) if you cannot attend.

And in defense of the OP -- why are people telling her that she's a horrible sister for not attending? We don't know if these sisters are close or not. If my brother was 10k in debt with medical bills there is no way I would expect him to incur even more debt to attend my wedding. I would accomodate him. Pay for him to come, change the date or the location, so anything I could to help him out. Or I would understand if he could not come.

Her sister won't invite her to the rehersal dinner, but expects her to cook for the girls night out? Her sister hasn't included her in the wedding party at all. All relationships are about give and take. It's hurtful when one sibling is expected to always be the giver, and the other does nothing but take.

 

[luvmy3]

For my wedding I knew I had people coming from out of state and the books told me to mail them 6 mos in advance.

Im not sure why you keep harping on the date, how should I come up with the money? My DH works 2 jobs and is stressed about the extra medical bills. I guess I should make him work a 3rd

I don't want to speak for robinb but I think she was just making a point that its a little early to get the invitation and that your sister was just asking or making you aware of the date by email.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

sounds good on paper but in real life it will effect the relationship. I've seen it happen for years and over smaller things.

5 weeks after a c is a pretty long time. A lot of women go back to work after 6 weeks, and heck on here people are always telling women oh you can go to Disney a month after a c! Why is Disney any different?

A lot of women bounce back form a c-section and a lot of women don't.

While you will catch me saying it is okay to travel with a child that young--I will also say to save the cash and only make the actual plans AFTER the birth and one can personally evaluate their own recovery.

While 5 weeks is a pretty long time--it may not be long enough given the wrong twist of fate.


It's pretty disgusting though when a family member holds it against another over a pregnancy that can interfere with their ideal perfect plans.

The lack of compassion by the family is--so very telling. Control freaks.

 

[gatormommy07]

My personal opinion is that, unless you are the bride or groom, a wedding is not that big of a deal. But these days, it seems that couples (ok mostly brides) get so caught up in the whole "it's my day and it's all about me" theme, that they completely forget that other people have lives and sometimes it just does not work out to attend their wedding. I cannot imagine ending a relationship over the idea that someone did not make it to my party. Sounds very "Bridezilla-ish" to me!

TOTALLY AGREE!!! That person needs to get off her high horse!!! I am not sure what flew up her rear, but she needs to get over it!! She claims to have had children, but that must have been a long time ago!! Kindergarten was not the main reason for the OP to stay, it was the BABY!! Kindergarten was another VERY VALID reason for staying home!!

Sorry, DallasBridezilla made me slightly annoyed!!

 

[robinb]

For my wedding I knew I had people coming from out of state and the books told me to mail them 6 mos in advance.

Ah! That explains it. I always thought it was 6 weeks with a "save the date" notification.

Im not sure why you keep harping on the date, how should I come up with the money? My DH works 2 jobs and is stressed about the extra medical bills. I guess I should make him work a 3rd

No, of course not. It is clear that you cannot afford to pay to go for the wedding after your recent ER visit and you can't get blood from a stone.

I have given you the answer twice: Ask your mom to pay for it. If only you and the baby goes you will spend a lot less because you only have one airfare instead of 4, you can rent a smaller/cheaper car and you can crash with your friend easier than if the whole family was with you. If the main problem is the money, figure out how much it will cost you and then you lay the cards on the table with your mom. If she refuses to pay for you to go to the wedding the onus is not ON HER instead of YOU. You can then call your sister and tell her that you can't afford to go and that your mom wouldn't help you out. You are no longer the "bad guy".

FWIW, I am appalled that your medical bills are so high for something that I consider a basic human right .

 

[mickeymaker2003]

This is still the way it works.

I tend to think in terms of what I want for the next generation. I think it would be terribly sad if one of my children didn't want to attend a siblings wedding. I'd never be that kind of example.

Not wanting to attend the wedding isn't really the problem here. It seems to me like the OP would like to attend, but has concerns about going 5 weeks after a c-section (and since her last one resulted in complications, she is even more aprehensive). Also, their family has a bunch of medical bills that need(ed) to be paid, so the expense of traveling cross country is rather high as well.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do OP.

 

[arihillfarm]

If this were a trip to Disney, I suspect that people would be giving totally opposite advice...pathetic.

Even if they did, a trip to Disney or anywhere else on vacation is not comparable. First of all, her DH would be there to help and on vacation, there are no expections placed on you by other people as to where you will be when and how well dressed or happy you should be about it. If she were on vacation and felt horrible, I'm sure her DH (unlike her sister) would understand and head back to the hotel for a break. I went with my best friend to Disney at 11 weeks post partum after her second c-section and it certainly wasn't a walk in the park for her and between us there were three adults (her, me and her DH, my DH was deployed) to oversee three children including the newborn. There were plenty of days that we cut the day short or changed our plans based on how she was feeling. I don't get the idea that the OP's sister is as understanding.

If her sister never talks to her again over such a thing, IMO, she's better off without her in her life. I always told my mother that at least I get to choose my friends. Relatives are not automatically granted a free pass to receive your love and devotion simply because you are related by blood. Ask my DH who has not spoken to his mother in almost 10 years. She acts as if he doesn't exist and it was over something totally stupid and very minor. He definitely feels that he and our kids are better off without her in our lives, although I do feel very badly for him as being rejected by your mother must hurt terribly, especially considering the wonderful person, husband and father he is. At least he knows he was not the one at fault since she has done this to other relatives too.

-Astrid

 

[EMom]

This is still the way it works.

I tend to think in terms of what I want for the next generation. I think it would be terribly sad if one of my children didn't want to attend a siblings wedding. I'd never be that kind of example.

Let me tell you what kind of example I'd hate to set for the next generation. I'd hate for them to think it was perfectly fine for a person to be so self-absorbed that in order to save a pitiful $500 on their wedding expenses, they scheduled a wedding at a time that forced their sister to travel 5 weeks after giving birth by repeat c-section when she was already at least $10,000 in debt for medical bills and had to make the choice of leaving her DH and at least 2 children at home (meaning one had to go to their very first day of school without Mommy) OR the entire family had to come, leaving them many more thousands of dollars in debt. Some example.

For those who keep harping on how not attending will damage/change the relationship forever......Does it sound that peachy to begin with? Really? I get the feeling that if the OP knocks herself out, goes in debt, attends and works like a dog doing all the expected chores, etc., it still won't be appreciated. After all, they EXPECT her to do it. Why bother? If someone can't understand a $10,000 debt hanging over your head that your DH is working 2 jobs to pay off, a 5 week old newborn, a c-section that is still healing, not wanting to choose between missing your child's first day of school (Hell would freeze over before I'd miss my DD's first day of K.) or having that child miss the first week of kindergarten.......then they have pretty much ZERO empathy and who gives a rat's hiney about their feelings anyway? Because they clearly do not give a rat's hiney about YOURS!

Your have to prioritize "family." In this case, DH and children trump diva bride sister and demanding mother. That much is plain to me.

BTW, if someone wanted to head to WDW 5 weeks after a c-section when they were $10,000 in debt and struggling to pay it off, I'd tell them they were nuttier than a fruitcake.

 

[Brer Shay]

First off, LOTS of hugs to you for help in the major stress you're in right now. I 'm sorry that you're facing all of this wedding/family drama while your pregnant.

I don't know which came first, her choice of wedding date or your pregancy announcement, but only one of them can't be moved. If it is important to your sister that you (and your family) be at her wedding, she is the only one who has the option of making that possible by changing the date. Baby (and your doctor) will dictate when your pregnancy ends.

As for you and the newborn traveling at five weeks out, consult your physicians. Whether attending the wedding is what you want or not, health and safety needs to be priority. I had three C-section deliveries, and my doctor specifically said that I couldn't drive for four weeks or fly for twelve after each one. He recommended not flying for six months after the last one because, let's face it, everything gets weaker internally after being cut so many times. Cabin pressure also influences your internal organs. As for the newborn, our pediatrician said no to flying until they were three months due to general germ transmisison on the plan and ear development. Check with yours. Unless your mother or sister are physicians, I don't see where they can argue.

My youngest started Kindergarten this year as well. I wouldn't have wanted her to miss anything those first several weeks, not from an academic standpoint, but from a comfort, knowledge and routine standpoint. I think others have covered that though.

EMom said "For those who keep harping on how not attending will damage/change the relationship forever......Does it sound that peachy to begin with? Really? I get the feeling that if the OP knocks herself out, goes in debt, attends and works like a dog doing all the expected chores, etc., it still won't be appreciated. After all, they EXPECT her to do it. Why bother? If someone can't understand a $10,000 debt hanging over your head that your DH is working 2 jobs to pay off, a 5 week old newborn, a c-section that is still healing, not wanting to choose between missing your child's first day of school (Hell would freeze over before I'd miss my DD's first day of K.) or having that child miss the first week of kindergarten.......then they have pretty much ZERO empathy and who gives a rat's hiney about their feelings anyway? Because they clearly do not give a rat's hiney about YOURS!" Hear, hear!

I'm so sorry that your family is putting you through this. It sounds like you, your DH and kids are your own family unit though. Make the decisions that are best for you overall!

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

What does health have to do with it. People have c-sections all the time and recover and return to their lives everyday. Same goes for infants. People have been having babies for ages and eventually you have to take them out in public. Each parent has to make that decision when to take their baby out. My guess though is within the first six weeks most babies go to the grocery store, church, restaurant or other place where there are other people.

5 weeks after a c is a pretty long time. A lot of women go back to work after 6 weeks, and heck on here people are always telling women oh you can go to Disney a month after a c! Why is Disney any different?

Health has everything to do with it. Hopefully, the OP will have an uncomplicated delivery and will go home with her baby in 48 hours. Doesn't always happen that way. I was discharged 48 hours after my C-section, but DD was not. She spent 3 weeks in the NICU and came home on a heart monitor (with a two hour battery, so flying across country wouldn't be an option even if I thought it was a good idea). Even if everything is uneventful, the OP would be traveling by herself with a baby, luggage and car seat before she or the baby had a 6-week check-up. Chances are, it would be hard but everything would be OK. But if she delivers late, or God forbid there are complications, it doesn't sound like she has the money to buy a plane ticket and cancel the trip if she can't go, and her mom doesn't seem willing to pay unless everyone comes.

I wouldn't go to Disney 5 weeks after a C-section either. I probably would have been OK with taking a short local trip with the whole family if not for the heart situation, but at least then there would have been another adult in case something went wrong. By the time my DD came home from the hospital, we were all exhausted and overwhelmed and just wanted to finally be home together as a family.

If the OP has any issues on the trip, she is alone with a newborn. That's assuming everything goes well with the delivery, which I hope it does. Her doctor might not give her or the baby permission to travel - that would solve everything.

By the way, one of my brothers didn't come to my wedding - he had just started a new job and didn't have any time off. I still love him.

 

[robinb]

Let me tell you what kind of example I'd hate to set for the next generation. I'd hate for them to think it was perfectly fine for a person to be so self-absorbed that in order to save a pitiful $500 on their wedding expenses, they scheduled a wedding at a time that forced their sister to travel 5 weeks after giving birth by repeat c-section when she was already at least $10,000 in debt for medical bills and had to make the choice of leaving her DH and at least 2 children at home (meaning one had to go to their very first day of school without Mommy) OR the entire family had to come, leaving them many more thousands of dollars in debt. Some example.

I may be wrong, but I thought that $500 savings wasn't because of the choice of weekend, but that the wedding was on a Friday instead of a Saturday. I could also be wrong on this, but I thought that the OP had plans to go to the wedding 5-weeks postpartum with her MIL until the expensive ER visit.

 

[luvmy3]

Did anyone consider that the bride and groom chose their date for a reason because it was important to them for a good reason? Maybe there are circumstances in the grooms family that made them choose the date. I have been to 2 that were planned because a parent was not expected to live for longer than a years time and in one the bride wanted to make sure her father was there to walk down the aisle and another was the groom's grandmother. Just food for thought. I don't think that not scheduling you wedding around everyone elses life, or being upset that your own sibling isn't going to make it makes one a selfish bridezilla. In this situation it sounds more like a momzilla problem and less like a bridezilla problem. (Sorry OP, it just seems like your mom has issues)

 

[NemoMOm]

No, the date was selected because after labor day they save 500. My son starts that wed at school which is why I said he could not go. My nephew also starts that week and is not being pulled from school. Which mom is also unhappy about.

Our fight was because I'm not bringing my boys. She will not pay for my trip because she says now she has to pay and come out here to see my boys. Our fight was because she thought we should fly out on a red eye Thurs. and leave Sun. Which I told her I would not do because that is not fair to the boys. Its 2 hrs to my airport, 6hrs in flight, they are 3 hrs behind, and 3 hrs to get a rental and get out of the airport area. My boys would be really jet lagged by the time he started school on Mon. Sis and mom think that is no big deal, but Im not putting my kids thru that. Thats when the drama and fights began. I usually avoid all of it by just doing what my mom wants, but not at my kids expense.

Did anyone consider that the bride and groom chose their date for a reason because it was important to them for a good reason? Maybe there are circumstances in the grooms family that made them choose the date. I have been to 2 that were planned because a parent was not expected to live for longer than a years time and in one the bride wanted to make sure her father was there to walk down the aisle and another was the groom's grandmother. Just food for thought. I don't think that not scheduling you wedding around everyone elses life, or being upset that your own sibling isn't going to make it makes one a selfish bridezilla. In this situation it sounds more like a momzilla problem and less like a bridezilla problem. (Sorry OP, it just seems like your mom has issues)

 

[buckler]

Your mother sounds like my MIL. When my oldest was a newborn (less than 1 month old) we had gone over to my MIL's home on Christmas Eve. Both my SIL and niece had bad colds yet kept insisting on touching my DD. Then at home that evening my DD either had the biggest spit up I've ever seen or she threw up. I called the pediatrician and she advised I keep my DD home on Christmas Day. My MIL was livid. She said I had ruined her Christmas because she wanted a baby to be there. She wasn't even concerned that her granddaughter might be sick or that being around people with colds could put her at risk for RSV.

 

[bethy]

Most people fail to understand that their wedding is not the be-all end-all event of a lifetime to others that it is to them. No way would I be flying 3000 miles with a newborn and two other children in tow. Send a nice card.

Amen to that! The whole crazed wedding "It's all about MEEEE and MY day" trend just makes me roll my eyes emphatically.

Your sister should be channeling all this energy into her relationship and marriage instead.