OT-Sorry, I need to vent-sisters wedding

[coloradodaisy]

I haven't read all the way to the end but as a mom who has had c-sections, there's no way in hell I'd be planning a trip 5 weeks after birth. I don't even care about the money stuff! With one of my sections I was still a horrible wreck at 5 weeks, the recovery was long and hard. I honestly don't understand why they would think you could make it!

Don't feel bad. You can't go, it is what it is.

 

[EclecticWAHM]

Has it occurred to anyone else that maybe the sister wasn't the one who planned better? The OP has never answered how long she knew about her sister's plans to marry or when the approximate date of the wedding was set. She may have known the time frame (late summer, early fall) before she and her husband started trying for a third child. Or, I might be totally off base .

She also said that there were unexpected medical expenses she was facing. That's pretty hard to plan for. And quite frankly, I wouldn't attempt to plan or delay a pregnancy based on a vague time frame for someone's wedding. A person has to try to plan for having children based on what works for their family, not everyone else's plans. Then again...it could have been a "surprise" pregnancy too!

 

[robinb]

I think the OP said she just found out the date of the wedding a couple weeks ago. I don't think anyone's required to plan their life -whether it be getting married or having a baby - around someone else's. It's situations like this that empathy and compassion on both sides go a long way.

She said she found out the date a couple weeks ago. That is different than the time frame. Many people announce their engagement saying approximately when they will be getting married before they set a definite date. You're totally correct about empathy and compassion going both ways.

 

[Hannathy]

Has it occurred to anyone else that maybe the sister wasn't the one who planned better? The OP has never answered how long she knew about her sister's plans to marry or when the approximate date of the wedding was set. She may have known the time frame (late summer, early fall) before she and her husband started trying for a third child. Or, I might be totally off base .

I agree and I hardly think over 5 months is short notice to get your plans made to travel to a wedding. That is a long time compared to the notice some people get.

Be an adult and just say you don't want to go, quit making up excuses. BUT like I said don't expect the relationship to ever be the same between you and your sister and possibly your Mother.
Also remember as your kids grow up don't get angry if they don't show for graduations, weddings etc.

 

[EclecticWAHM]

I agree and I hardly think over 5 months is short notice to get your plans made to travel to a wedding. That is a long time compared to the notice some people get.

Be an adult and just say you don't want to go, quit making up excuses. BUT like I said don't expect the relationship to ever be the same between you and your sister and possibly your Mother.
Also remember as your kids grow up don't get angry if they don't show for graduations, weddings etc.

I honestly don't see that she's "making up excuses." A c-section shortly before the trip combined with unexpected financial challenges are good REASONS to not take a trip. I don't get the impression that she just doesn't feel like going.

People just need to chill and realize that our loved ones will not always be able to be there for events that are important to us - that's just the way life goes sometimes. To have these things make or break a relationship between family just seems nuts to me. I would never in a million years expect a family member to put themselves in a precarious financial or medical condition to come to an event that's important to me. Sure, I would be sad if they couldn't make it, but it's not the end of the world and certainly not the end of the relationship.

 

[Hannathy]

I honestly don't see that she's "making up excuses." A c-section shortly before the trip combined with unexpected financial challenges are good REASONS to not take a trip. I don't get the impression that she just doesn't feel like going.

People just need to chill and realize that our loved ones will not always be able to be there for events that are important to us - that's just the way life goes sometimes. To have these things make or break a relationship between family just seems nuts to me. I would never in a million years expect a family member to put themselves in a precarious financial or medical condition to come to an event that's important to me. Sure, I would be sad if they couldn't make it, but it's not the end of the world and certainly not the end of the relationship.

sounds good on paper but in real life it will effect the relationship. I've seen it happen for years and over smaller things.

5 weeks after a c is a pretty long time. A lot of women go back to work after 6 weeks, and heck on here people are always telling women oh you can go to Disney a month after a c! Why is Disney any different?

 

[EclecticWAHM]

sounds good on paper but in real life it will effect the relationship. I've seen it happen for years and over smaller things.

5 weeks after a c is a pretty long time. A lot of women go back to work after 6 weeks, and heck on here people are always telling women oh you can go to Disney a month after a c! Why is Disney any different?

Based on my personal experience with C/S I'd never recommend someone planning on travel or strenuous activity that soon afterward. It's great that so many people are able to do those things, but I don't think it's a given.

And you're right - I've seen relationships go sour over smaller things too...but then again I've always thought it was just ridiculous. When someone's planning a big event it's easy to get wrapped up in your own emotional stuff and not consider what others might be going through. I find that really sad and selfish. I think she does need to be prepared that things may change with her sister - but that doesn't mean her sister is being reasonable if she flips out over the issue. I find it sad when people create relationship friction over selfish issues. I don't think those people are "big picture" thinkers at all.

 

[Inigo]

What does health have to do with it. People have c-sections all the time and recover and return to their lives everyday. Same goes for infants. People have been having babies for ages and eventually you have to take them out in public. Each parent has to make that decision when to take their baby out. My guess though is within the first six weeks most babies go to the grocery store, church, restaurant or other place where there are other people.

You are really comparing a flight cross country with going out in your own neighborhood to the grocery store, church, restaurant, or other place? Seriously?

 

[Ashley Kees]

sounds good on paper but in real life it will effect the relationship. I've seen it happen for years and over smaller things.

5 weeks after a c is a pretty long time. A lot of women go back to work after 6 weeks, and heck on here people are always telling women oh you can go to Disney a month after a c! Why is Disney any different?

You have clearly never had a c-section. I've had three, let me clear some things up for you.

1. The first C-section usually heals quickly. The exception to this is if there are complications, which she said she had.

2. Every subsequent C-section takes longer to heal. Every one of them. After my third I couldn't walk for a full 10 days. I was forbidden to drive for a full 6 weeks. And the post-partum is much harder due to the pain meds. And you bleed for over a month, which is lovely when you are going to a formal occasion.

3. There is a BIG difference between going back to your (usual) job, near your home, where people know and support you, and traveling to a high stress family event. I can honestly say that I have never been able to feel normal at any long-distance family event.

Not to mention the fact that she might be breastfeeding at 5 weeks and may not feel much like sitting through a formal wedding either lactating or minding a poopy/napping/screaming newborn.

Under no circumstances should the OP go to this wedding if she doesn't want to just because she's being bullied. Especially if she hasn't even gotten an invitation. If her family does not consider the birth of her child an important event in their lives, then she is under no obligation to consider her sister's legally joining with someone an important event in her own life.

Nicely tell them you can't make it, wish them the best, send a few hundred bucks and keep in touch. Time heals all wounds, whether from C-sections or from hurt feelings.

 

[HunnyPots]

I stand by my statement that kindergarten is not a big deal. Missing the first week of kindergarten is not going to keep your kid out of college or change their life in a way that is irreversible.

My personal opinion is that, unless you are the bride or groom, a wedding is not that big of a deal. But these days, it seems that couples (ok mostly brides) get so caught up in the whole "it's my day and it's all about me" theme, that they completely forget that other people have lives and sometimes it just does not work out to attend their wedding. I cannot imagine ending a relationship over the idea that someone did not make it to my party. Sounds very "Bridezilla-ish" to me!

 

[Hannathy]

You have clearly never had a c-section. I've had three, let me clear some things up for you.



Time heals all wounds, whether from C-sections or from hurt feelings.

Don't want to get into this but you are wrong I have had a c section and wasn't a young mother and had complications in the hosp from the anesthesia and cardiac comps, so I do have some basis to say things.

I DID fly half way across the country less than 4 weeks after with a newborn and a 5 yr old to handle a very stressful family situation Involving many long stressful nights in the ICU, hardly a happy time like a wedding, so it can be done if it has to be.

I'm only saying on this board if people want to go to Disney they are advised it is fine quickly after C's and the heck with school go ahead and take them out. And I don't know about you but my Sister's wedding is more important than Disney.

Lastly Family disputes are THE one thing that Time does not heal. I have seen personally a family dispute last all my life and started years before so it went on roughly 60 years and over something much less than snubbing a sister's wedding. Family problems take on a life of their own and this was between siblings.

 

[mickeymaker2003]

But to REALLY get you off the hook, tell them you discussed the trip with your doctor and the doc advised that due to your c-section, chance at clotting/complications with sitting through a 4+ hour plane flight, plus hauling all the stuff, that he has denied you medical clearance to attend

This looks like a great plan to me. My OB would definitely have squashed it and I'm sure yours will be inclined to as well, especially given your previous history of complications. Less than six weeks post c-section is no time to be traveling alone with an infant and my pediatrician didn't want my DD in crowds until she was at least two months old and had started her vaccinations. Between the health issues and expense (mostly the health issues), I think it is quite reasonable to say I'm sorry, but I can't make it. The possibility of the baby upstaging the bride or crying during the ceremony or reception may also work in your favor since it sounds like she is an "all about me" kind of bride.

The attending by internet idea sounds like something that may work as an option. Even if the bride refuses, at least you tried to be part of the day for her since you are unable to travel.

 

[DisneyAndRedSox]

I posted earlier... but I have one more thing to mention, specifically about the bride. I am an anut, I have 1 nephew and 2 nieces. I would NEVER, EVER expect them to miss the first day of school or a milestone like starting kindergarten because of me!

Also, sounds like she just announced the date. I would never choose a date when my sister has a 1 month old to bring! Watch, if you end up going... next she will say you can't bring the baby to the wedding and you will end up sitting in a hotel room!

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Does he start on Friday or earlier in the week? If it is earlier why does he have to miss all week? couldn't you fly in Wed or Thursday? I can see not wanting to miss the first day but after that would be ok.

Why don't just you go to the wedding? The baby would fly for free. Is there no way someone could pick you up at the airport? do you need a $500 car(that seems very high)
Is this a destination wedding? you mention hotel. Is there no one you could stay with?

I guess I would look for compromises and ways to save money rather than miss my sisters wedding. If it was my sister I would be there and be pretty upset if my sister didn't come to mine. You have a long time to work out the kinks but I really think you should make all efforts to get there, because I don't see any that couldn't be over come.

I agree. I wouldn't miss my sister's wedding for anything.

As far a weddings being a big deal, I'd say making a lifelong committment to someone is a big deal. If this were a trip to Disney, I suspect that people would be giving totally opposite advice...pathetic.

 

[RachaelA]

I just got married last May. Before we picked a date we checked with all the major people in our lives to make sure the date was convenient for everyone because they were important to us and we wanted them there. Seems like the OP's sister didn't which means she can't complain about people not being able to come.

 

[luvmy3]

I just got married last May. Before we picked a date we checked with all the major people in our lives to make sure the date was convenient for everyone because they were important to us and we wanted them there. Seems like the OP's sister didn't which means she can't complain about people not being able to come.

The bride and groom are not obligated to check with everyone before they set a date, just like the OP wasn't obligated to ask anyone if they would have any major plans in the next year so she could get pregnant and have a baby. However you are correct that the sister shouldn't be too upset when she is told that life's circumstances prevent someone, even her sister from being at her wedding.

OP, I think that to avoid any animosity your best advice here is to tell them your OB/GYN advises you not to go. I hope it all works out for you and that your mom and sister can get past this.

 

[minnie1928]

To the OP, I wouldn't go...for all the reasons you've posted. Pick one. They are all valid.

But, it makes me wonder if part of the reason that your mom & sister are so upset is because they wonder "how it will look" if you aren't there. They will have to explain to people your absence. Your sister probably doesn't want to tell people that she threw a wedding together that was so close to her sister's due date that she couldn't come? Or, tell people that your sister/daughter couldn't come due to finances? I think they are wrapped up more in the appearances at the wedding than they are anything else. If they REALLY wanted you there...the date would be different and mom would kick in some $ to cover the expenses.

I'm sorry you have to go through this...I too have a difficult family and phone calls are VERY stressful, even the ones I let the machine answer.

 

[NemoMOm]

Wow, I can just say wow. And for your information no one has come to anything else including the birth of my children, I doubt they would show for graduation, not that I would expect them to, talk about a lot of expense for a graduation.

To everyone else thank you for your support you have made me feel a lot better.

And I have not yet received an invitation which is why I was surprised to get the email.

we were really looking forward to going even more so as a family and had made lots of plans to see things with my sister, newphew and mom. It was to be our vacation. We had traveled there 3 yrs ago to see everyone and had a blast so we were really excited.

Be an adult and just say you don't want to go, quit making up excuses. BUT like I said don't expect the relationship to ever be the same between you and your sister and possibly your Mother.
Also remember as your kids grow up don't get angry if they don't show for graduations, weddings etc.

 

[Debbie Jean]

You are really comparing a flight cross country with going out in your own neighborhood to the grocery store, church, restaurant, or other place? Seriously?

Thank you!

And for those who have had c-sections without complications, count your blessings... I had a post-op infection that had me in the doctor's office every other day for 2 months after my daughter was born... it happens...

OP, I wouldn't even get into the financial info with either DMom or DSis....I would simply say that you are so sorry that you won't be able to attend her wedding due to the birth of your child and leave it at that... if they object, then repeat it again...

You have nothing to feel guilty about! Contrary to what others have said, neither of them is dying of cancer... they are just completely wrapped up in themselves!

 

[auralia]

this is tough, we bought plane tickets (Non refundable) for brother in laws wedding and then they moved the date to one month later!!! we still had to use the tickets/vacation to go home and then hubby made mey buy more tickets (they changed the date 3 weeks before the wedding about) to the tune of an extra 800$ plus using all vacation... and then at the wedding there wasn't even any place for us to sit! we got sent out to buy the bride and groom booze (never offered money to cover the expense) and then they got mad when we didn't buy them a presant even though we had just spent an extra 800$ just to go to the wedding because they put such a guilt trip on my husband... now we don't even speak to them... last time she was pregant she told everyone but us because we would be jealous and mad ... um... i don't think so i don't have any problem having babies or anything like that? where do crazy people get these crazy ideas from?