OT-Sorry, I need to vent-sisters wedding

[Jenny in MN]

Now is the time to put your caller ID to work. You know that phone conversations with your mother are not going to end well right now, so don't engage. Let the answering machine pick up for a bit.

You are making the right choice by not going. It would not be a good thing for your family, for you or for the new baby. It does not sound like your mother or your sister are making it work for you to be there either.

 

[cm8]

hi,, I think that no matter what you decide, you will have he double hockey sticks on your hand. It seems to be a lose-lose situation. I think that you should just let it go. AS a mother and a wife, you already have a huge weight on your shoulder to carry. Having a c - section is major abdominal surgery and no matter who says what, It is your GOD giving right to decide whether or not it is convenient for you and your family to travel during that time. Since your Mom is so "concerned" about not seeing your son, then maybe she should take the opportunity to come see him. I think that you should ask your Mom if she will cover your "birthing expenses" and the whole entire trip for your sister's wedding. If she says that is not her responsibility or problem, then you should tell her that YOUR FAMILY is your PRIORITY and responsibility and you are the one who has to make the sacrifices to make sure that all the bills are paid and if THEY can not deal with it, so be it. Making someone feel guilty in order to get their way is not healthy and they don't seem to care about your health or that of your child since they are causing both of you undue stress. Just let it go and let God.

 

[micheleq]

Hugs to you OP!

Do what is best for you and your family. If this wedding will cause more of a financial burden for you (on top of the medical bills), do not go.

It sounds that your sister has not taken you into consideration at all in this process -- you are not in the wedding party, not invited to the rehersal (even though you are flying in from another state!), and no one has considered that you will be five weeks post partum from a c-section. I think that your dr and DH won't want you flying. Simply tell your mom and sister that your dr will not clear you for air travel at that point.

Our niece is getting married the same day LOL. She actually got married in January at City Hall, moved out of state to be with her husband, and will have the "Wedding" in September. Great. Yet, my DD will also be in her first week of kindergarten! The wedding will be in Massachussetts, which is easy from CT where we are now. However, we are waiting to hear if DH gets a promotion and we will most likely be relocating to the midwest. And our niece asked my sister in law if we bring our kids to the wedding, can't they leave the reception early? Hmm, so how can I stay at the reception? Should my five and three year olds watch themselves in a hotel?

Brides have their day on their minds, and sometimes forget about the people attending. It happens. But, in your case, you are being bullied by your mom and sister who seem to not go out of their way to be kind to you, but expect you to be at their beck and call. Don't.

Hugs and good luck.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I would not go no matter what anyone said. If your sister really wanted you there she would have planned better. It's not like she just found out you were pregnant. I am usually a person who will go and do especially for my sibling but if they were that rude to me I would tell them where to go.

 

[Minnie]

I'd send my regrets

No way would I be doing that type of traveling 5wks after a c-section and with a newborn

Your mother and sister should be more concerned about your health and that of your baby than a wedding....

 

[frtchr]

My BIL got married in October of 2008 in Buffalo, NY. We live in Lexington, KY I had DS (C-section) in September 2008. We didn't go to the wedding. My husband was sad to miss his brother's wedding, but he also wasn't about to go and leave me alone with a newborn and DD who was 20 months old at the time. I think my MIL was annoyed that we didn't go, but BIL and his fiancee had a short engagement and planned the wedding knowing I was going to have a baby less than a month before. BIL totally understood and there were no hard feelings. So, I feel your pain, OP. Do what is best for you and your family.

 

[dallastxcpa]

WOW, little harsh don't you think? Do you have any kids? Do you know what it is like to have a 5 week old and a kid (or 2) in school? Kindergarten IS a big deal, it is not all coloring, snacks and naps anymore! If it were MY sister, and I was having a wedding so far away from her, with the family circumstances(kids, money, etc.) I would be a little understanding of the situation. Sure, it would make me sad to not have her by my side for such a big day, but I would love her enough to understand!! Unless you are in that situation, you should not be so rude to the OP about it!

No I don't think it was harsh. I was stating my opinion. When people plan weddings they need to know whether certain people will be there or not. I simply noted that the OP needed to let her sister know.

As I stated prior, yes I have five kids. I have had a c-section and know what it is like to have staples in my stomach and recover while breast feeding a new born.

I stand by my statement that kindergarten is not a big deal. Missing the first week of kindergarten is not going to keep your kid out of college or change their life in a way that is irreversible.

 

[Leajess99]

I'm sorry I just need to vent.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

[dallastxcpa]

Wow. You really think your wedding would be more important than a family member's health, her newborn infant, and her family?

Just wow.

What does health have to do with it. People have c-sections all the time and recover and return to their lives everyday. Same goes for infants. People have been having babies for ages and eventually you have to take them out in public. Each parent has to make that decision when to take their baby out. My guess though is within the first six weeks most babies go to the grocery store, church, restaurant or other place where there are other people.

 

[EclecticWAHM]

What does health have to do with it. People have c-sections all the time and recover and return to their lives everyday. Same goes for infants. People have been having babies for ages and eventually you have to take them out in public. Each parent has to make that decision when to take their baby out. My guess though is within the first six weeks most babies go to the grocery store, church, restaurant or other place where there are other people.

Health can have a lot to do with it, especially with a c-section. Unexpected things can happen. After my C-S I couldn't lift anything or walk up and down stairs for almost 2 months. Complications can happen. Between the C-S and her financial situation, I think her sis is being unreasonable. Life will not come to a screeching halt if she misses the wedding. It's no reason for major drama - life happens. People don't always get what they want, even on their wedding day. To make a federal case of it is silly and childish.

 

[nena]

Sorry I didnt have a chance to read all the other posts but here is something to think about: I have been a Kinder teacher for 13 years and I am also involved with Kinder registration. If a child does not show up on the first day(s) they could be dropped from the class. If you requested am/pm or a specific teacher they could loose their spot. And worst of all, if they are dropped, you will have to re-inroll him and if the class gets too big, he could be one of the first students to get moved to another class.
I hope that your family can understand your situation. Good luck!!

 

[Minnie]

What does health have to do with it. People have c-sections all the time and recover and return to their lives everyday. Same goes for infants. People have been having babies for ages and eventually you have to take them out in public. Each parent has to make that decision when to take their baby out. My guess though is within the first six weeks most babies go to the grocery store, church, restaurant or other place where there are other people.

Health has a lot to do with it... Often there are restrictions placed on the new mother by the doctor - driving, lifting, ect - 6hrs one way travel is too much to expect.

OP - I'd expect your mother and sister them to care more about you and your newborn than about a wedding.....

 

[EclecticWAHM]

OP - I'd expect your mother and sister them to care more about you and your newborn than about a wedding.....

True, that. Honestly, a lot of people seem to put more thought, concern and effort into a one-day event than they do for the actually marriage...but that's a whole other discussion.

 

[fatuhiva]

Regardless you will have to live with the consequences. If it were me and my sister didn't show up I think that would be the end of our relationship.

Wow. It's the marriage that matters, not the ceremony. If my sister felt the need to end our relationship because I wasn't at her wedding it would only mean that we're not as close as I thought we were.

 

[tinkabella627]

I would not go no matter what anyone said. If your sister really wanted you there she would have planned better. It's not like she just found out you were pregnant. I am usually a person who will go and do especially for my sibling but if they were that rude to me I would tell them where to go.

I'm sorry but while I see why the OP can't/shouldn't go, I see no reason that the sister should have planned her wedding date better. That would be like me telling my best friend (practically my sister)... "change your wedding date, I teach in Oct and can't get off to travel for your Friday wedding." As much as it is hard for me, I am getting there, paying the airfare, and missing 3 or 4 days of work for it. But again, I knew that I needed to plan for this and I have.

Wow. It's the marriage that matters, not the ceremony. If my sister felt the need to end our relationship because I wasn't at her wedding it would only mean that we're not as close as I thought we were.

Have you ever had a sibling not show up to your wedding? A wedding, for most people, is something that you want to share with those closest to you and you want those people there for you. When a sibling doesn't show up, it is a horrible feeling. Like I said, my husband's brother didn't show up to ours. We found out a month before he couldn't be in it and then a week before he said he wasn't coming. It hurts. I know our situation was different because his brother was just irresponsible as opposed to having good reason to not come, but it does change the relationship. Because if you were as close as you thought you were, you would do everything you could to get to her wedding. (Unless of course, serious circumstances come up)

 

[winesis]

If it was that important to your sister that you be at her wedding, she would have asked you to be in it! If you decide to go (by going into debt, disregarding doctor's orders, exposing your newborn to germs), the baby would definately upstage the bride. Since this is HER time you would just be thinking of her by not going I agree with the previous poster...Tell her you would love to be there but she would need to move the date to at least 12 weeks after your delivery date!!! As for your mother tell her you need help and ask her and your sister to be with you for your delivery!! You can get married any day but you can't reschedule the birth of your child.

 

[sk!mom]

. A month before our wedding his brother told us he couldn't be in the wedding and probably couldn't come... He didn't come and we haven't spoken to him since. .

Your Dh hasn't spoken to his brother since!? That is really a shame unless he was ready to cut his brother out of his life for other reasons. Just because you gave people lots of time to save and plan doesn't mean that your wedding was their first budgeting priority. It astounds me that anyone thinks their wedding is so important that everyone should drop everything and attend.

OP, you sound as if all of the stress and hassle has taken any desire that you might have had to go. Take care of your family, sincerely apoplogize for being unable to attend, and send a gift.

It's also time to use the physical distance to establish some emotional distance. Tell your mom and sis one more time that you are very disappointed to miss the wedding- one more time and then refuse to be browbeaten. Delete rude emails and put a stop to the calls. Many years ago, DH had to do this with his mom. There were many things that he was no longer going to get into or discuss with his mom. When she brought them up, he would politely remind her that the subject was off limits and say, "was there something else?" After a few times she learned and rarely brought up family drama with him. Try it!

 

[fatuhiva]

Have you ever had a sibling not show up to your wedding? A wedding, for most people, is something that you want to share with those closest to you and you want those people there for you.QUOTE]

I agree with that. Growing up my closest relatives lived half-way across the country. My parents made every effort to go to important events. As an adult I tried to go to my cousin's weddings if at all possible.

Because if you were as close as you thought you were, you would do everything you could to get to her wedding. (Unless of course, serious circumstances come up)

Yes I agree, but life happens - I can't make a blanked statement that it would end a relationship if someone couldn't come to my wedding. Being close to my sister I would be disappointed, but I would understand if she couldn't come for some reason. Of course if it was simply "I don't want to" I'd be upset - but in this case the OP does have valid reasons for not going. Also if we were that close & it was that important to me that she be there, I would also try to plan the date so that she could be there. It's a two way street.

 

[robinb]

I would not go no matter what anyone said. If your sister really wanted you there she would have planned better. It's not like she just found out you were pregnant. I am usually a person who will go and do especially for my sibling but if they were that rude to me I would tell them where to go.

Has it occurred to anyone else that maybe the sister wasn't the one who planned better? The OP has never answered how long she knew about her sister's plans to marry or when the approximate date of the wedding was set. She may have known the time frame (late summer, early fall) before she and her husband started trying for a third child. Or, I might be totally off base .

 

[fatuhiva]

Has it occurred to anyone else that maybe the sister wasn't the one who planned better? The OP has never answered how long she knew about her sister's plans to marry or when the approximate date of the wedding was set. She may have known the time frame (late summer, early fall) before she and her husband started trying for a third child. Or, I might be totally off base

I think the OP said she just found out the date of the wedding a couple weeks ago. I don't think anyone's required to plan their life -whether it be getting married or having a baby - around someone else's. It's situations like this that empathy and compassion on both sides go a long way.