OT...sisterly responsibilty

[disykat]

i tried the whole I will pay for you to go thing with my Mom.She then tld me I have a bad neck/back and can't be on a plane for that amount of time( she is East Coast too),I can't be taking care of him it is too much on me( she is a nurse too), I am too old( shes 51).I am totally at a loss.i swear sometimes i wish i was raised by wolves.

Wow. I still think everytime she calls you selfish, etc. you toss it right back at HER. Just keep repeating, "It's not my job mom. He's an adult, but if you think he needs a mom, that's your job." Really, I can't believe the nerve she has. While I don't think it's EITHER of your responsibilities to take care of your brother, I can't believe she's pulling the "It's all YOUR fault" thing on you.

 

[RMulieri]

UPDATE**** WELL WWIII has officially erupted.My Mom decided to hit below the belt further and told me I had No buisness going to Disney in Sept when my brother may be dying .I told her I was going to WDW and that if we don't go, she can kindly be the one to break the news(the truth)to my 4 y/o daughter.I told her that he is not my responsibility .She told me I should postpone my trip ,till he is better and then we can all go.no sorry, already postponed the trip once for a family trip that never happened.My Dad took my side and now him and my Mom are at each others throats.So who knows where this will end up.I thinkI will screen my phone calls for a few days till this calms down.I did find my brother a Oncologist referral, but he is adamant about not having Chemo or surgery and already missed one oncology appt ( with his original dr)because he did not "feel well".I don't know many Cancer pts that do feel well.

 

[disneynewbee]

Well I'm glad your dad is backing you up even if the poor guy is probably suffering for it. I would do just like you say and screen the calls you don't need to be disrespected like that.

 

[sk!mom]

UPDATE**** WELL WWIII has officially erupted.My Mom decided to hit below the belt further and told me I had No buisness going to Disney in Sept when my brother may be dying .I told her I was going to WDW and that if we don't go, she can kindly be the one to break the news(the truth)to my 4 y/o daughter.I told her that he is not my responsibility .She told me I should postpone my trip ,till he is better and then we can all go.no sorry, already postponed the trip once for a family trip that never happened.My Dad took my side and now him and my Mom are at each others throats.So who knows where this will end up.I thinkI will screen my phone calls for a few days till this calms down.I did find my brother a Oncologist referral, but he is adamant about not having Chemo or surgery and already missed one oncology appt ( with his original dr)because he did not "feel well".I don't know many Cancer pts that do feel well.

Good for you- screening calls is a very good idea. Take care of your own family as they are your responsibility. Like you, I would take the vacation. By September, you will most likely really need a respite from all of the family drama.

My DH recently went through something very similar in his own family. He finally had to tell his mom that he was comfortable with how he was handling his sister's illness and if she wasn't then SHE needed to do whatever would make her feel less upset but that he would no longer be discussing the subject with her. She called a few more times and brought the subject up but he would immediatly say something like, "remember mom we disagree on this and the subject is closed. Did you have something else you wanted to talk about?"

My DH and I spent time discussing what he needed to do in the situation so that he would have no regrets and that was what he did. He did not let his mom bully him into doing things that would ease her guilt.

 

[Aristomommy]

I have always tried to do what I can for family, but also when it doesn't make sense for us, I will say no. My MIL will put similar guilt trip on us to be with extended family because they may die any day now. We visit as often as possible and I have no regrets about it.

Your brother is responsible for his health and his life. If he is of sound mind, he can make his own decisions and refuse treatment. If you want to spend time with him and it fits in your budget and life, go and visit him. But don't risk your family and your finances to try and "save" him. That is not your responsibility. If your parents are so concerned, they will go regardless of age or health.

 

[Frankiesmom]

So sorry to hear about your brother. But, you are not his mom- maybe since your mom can't afford the trip to see him- instead of you going maybe you and your siblings could chip in and send her out to the west coast? So sorry you're in the middle!

 

[mom2aredhead]

Your mother has it all wrong- your brother is HER responsiblity - you are the sister- not his mother - you have done what you can & you have done plenty - it is sad that this is happening to him but he also has to take responsiblity for his own life especially since he has a child depending upon him. Do NOT forfeit your life for his - that is not fair to you.

Actually, the 29 year old adult father of a child should be responsible for HIMSELF. But I agree with everything else you said.

UPDATE**** WELL WWIII has officially erupted.My Mom decided to hit below the belt further and told me I had No buisness going to Disney in Sept when my brother may be dying .I told her I was going to WDW and that if we don't go, she can kindly be the one to break the news(the truth)to my 4 y/o daughter.I told her that he is not my responsibility .She told me I should postpone my trip ,till he is better and then we can all go.no sorry, already postponed the trip once for a family trip that never happened.My Dad took my side and now him and my Mom are at each others throats.So who knows where this will end up.I thinkI will screen my phone calls for a few days till this calms down.I did find my brother a Oncologist referral, but he is adamant about not having Chemo or surgery and already missed one oncology appt ( with his original dr)because he did not "feel well".I don't know many Cancer pts that do feel well.

First of all, my prayers for your brother's health and recovery.

It sucks being the oldest. I'm the oldest of 3 also - my brother is the baby and we have another sister. He was coddled his entire life because he was the baby and the only boy. As an adult he's had a million different jobs because he quits as soon as something gets a little difficult or he has to work a little harder because he's used to having things handed to him by my mother. My dad wasn't as bad, but he caves whenever my mom has to bail out "the baby" again. My brother's married to another youngest of three, and she was the only girl, so she's as bad as he is.
I think being the oldest, you're just expected to be the one that takes care of everyone and everything. My brother can treat my parents like crap, not visit them for months even though he lives close, not call them for weeks (unless he needs something) and that's fine. I don't return my mom's call for 48 hours and she's like a lunatic.
Your mother was probably the one that "created the monster" so to speak, and it's completely unfair to expect you to have to keep it going. If your brother isn't mature and responsible enough to take care of his own health, there's nothing you'll be able to do for him by physically being out west versus being here and taking care of your own family, which is where you should be.
And please don't let her talk you into cancelling your trip. Obviously should the worst happen to your brother while you're away, you'll come home. But you can't perpetually put your life on hold because your mother tells you "your brother may die". Obviously as an oncology RN, you know that every cancer is different, some slow, some more agressive and I won't pretend to know what type your brother has. But in the mean time the rest of the family can't be held hostage by it either. My mom was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer last year. She's doing extremely well right now, but at some point in the future she is going to die from her cancer. She does not expect us to cancel our vacations or (in my sisters case) job relocation because she has cancer. We do what she needs us to do, but we continue to live our lives.
If you want to go out for a week, check up on him, talk to his doctors, try to get him on the right path, that's more than enough. Any further coddling needs to be done by his mother.

 

[rt2dz]

I was sorry to read the update. It is a shame that he is refusing treatment, or even professional advice, but that is his right. Deep down, he may feel he has found "an easy" way out that leaves him blameless. I hope not.

Your mother needs t understand that none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. Take your trip and enjoy it. Maybe send your mother a letter? Sometimes, when people see it writing and can't argue in the moment, they see things clearer.

You’re doing your best with a rotten situation. I hope it gets better. Screening your calls is a great idea until everyone cools down a bit.

 

[Pumbaa_]

Repeat after me - I am sorry you feel that way

Now, every time Mom throws another one at you, say I am sorry you feel that way

Screen, evade, ignore, whatever you have to do to keep your sanity and set some boundaries.

I have 2 brothers, 1 older, 1 younger and it is the same thing, I am the one that they go to I drew that line a couple years ago and am done being the one that is expected to be responsible for everyone getting along etc. I have to say, I have done a few semi-dramatic moves to reinforce my stand and have distanced mtself in some respects, but I am alot happier this way.

Dr. Phil says you teach people how to treat you. Start now. SO glad you are planning your vacation, your family is your responsibility, your siblings, not so much. You have offered many practical solutions to aid your brother, he wants none of it. Go forth guilt free!

 

[cheshireqt]

So sorry about your brother and about all the stress your Mom has added on top of that. It sounds like you are firmly standing your ground and that is good, it also sounds like you have your Dad's support which is great!
My MIL gets things in her head sometimes that she won't let go of and gets very nasty about. My DH has learned to say "that subject is now off limits. I am not going to discuss it any further with you. I will be happy to talk about anything else but if you insist on bringing it up again I am hanging up." He has had to hang up, more than once after reminding her "I am hanging up now...." Slowly she has learned that he will not be bullied, cajoled, guilted or tricked into meeting her whims, and yes she has tried all of those tricks, sometimes in one conversation even . I know it is a hard thing to do but maybe it would work for you?
One last thing that I hope helps you, your relationship with your brother is defined by only you and him, not anyone else. Stay in touch with him, support him emotionally and even with time and $, but always and only at the level that you are comfortable with. The other posters' advice about being responsible first to your own family (DH and DS) are spot on.
I am sending you big hugs and hope that your Mom sees the light soon.

 

[vcgirl925]

Why doesn't he move in with your mother? She should be the one responsible for him. I don't think you are being harsh at all. You have your own responsibilities. Don't let your family make you feel bad about this, you have to do whats right for you and your family. You can't be expected to drop everthing and go to CA.

For some reason it seems like the siblings that are favored and baby'd turn out the least responsible. I know that the case with my younger brother.

 

[Cytotech]

Sorry to disagree, but your brother is an adult- so he is responsible for himself! If he needs help then anyone who can is kind to offer help but no one is responsible to.

I'm very sorry for his troubles and you are very kind to offer to help. I wouldn't be discussing this with my mom. Tell your mom that she needs to worry about what she can do to help and leave you alone! I would let my brother know what help I could offer and work out the details with him.

This is absolutely right on! Sadly, very few want to take responsibility for themselves(or their children, when they actually ARE children it seems!).
To the O.P.,
You and your family are in my prayers!

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

I'm so sorry your getting the major guilt trip from your mom. As everyone else has said, you can't abandon your own life to take care of your brother-he's a grown man capable of taking care of himself...now whether or not he does that, its on him. Yes, I totally agree with the call screening...I may be best to dodge the emotional bullets from your mom for a time.

 

[minkydog]

Well, I might be harsh, but it’s true: It’s past time for little brother to grow up—and for your mother to wake up. Your brother is no one’s responsibility but his own. If his therapy fails because he does not do it, that’s on him and him alone.

OP, if your brother refuses to take responsibility for himself, that is his choice to make. There are consequences for every choice in life. You are under no obligation to "fix" your brother. That is his work to do. Certainly you have valuable nursing expertise to share and it would be reasonable to think that you might help him find appropriate treatment. But to expect you to give up your life to coddle your brother? Not necessary. I think you need to explain to your mother what you can do to help your brother, but stand firm on her pleas to take him in,etc.

 

[Octoberbabiesrus]

your brother is NOT your responsibility. Unless I missed something, his mother is living.

I am sorry for his illness.
But if he's ill, drinks/parties like no tomorrow, then what makes anyone think he is going to be deemed a fit parent? Whom is going to take care of the child if he falls to ill to care for himself let alone the child. If he's partying then he's not up to parenting.

I hope the situation works itself out.