OT: SAHM blues...

[MineeBaby]

Hi everyone!
I just need a place to sort of vent my disappointment or frustration or whatever it is. Jealousy maybe? I have been a SAHM with my just turned 3 year old and 16 month old for about a year and a half. Prior to staying at home, I was in the Air Force and while I enjoyed the content of my work, I wanted nothing more then to be with my daughter and my son by the time he was born. I would spend my lunches going to daycare to spend with my daughter--my whole focus shifted towards her with career as a clear second. So, I have been at home for about a year and a half now. As I look through places like facebook and myspace to catch up with my friends from highschool and college (all spread out now around the world) I feel like they are all doing either great things (my one friend does nothing but missionary work around the world) or just really fun thing (another friend is also in the Air Force as a pilot and he travels the world. His webpage is overflowing with pictures of him with backdrops from Egypt to Australia and everywhere in between.) They have pictures of them meeting up with other friends from college because they too are in the Air Force and happen to be in the same place at the same time as they are passing through.

While I am very excited for all them, I feel like I am not accomplishing nearly as much or doing anything with my life. I love being home with my children and the thought of putting them in daycare or going into a mundane day in and day out job is not at all desirable. I just feel like life is passing me by, though, and I don't know what I can do to fix that. We do playgroups, go to the children's museum, and spend most of our time playing. Anyway, I don't know where I am going with this other than to have an outlet I guess.

Heidi

 

[ajk912]

I understand what you are saying. It's hard being a mom. I quit my full time job last year, even though I LOVED it, but it was just too hard while being a mom. I was missing too many moments with my kids, and those are moments I will never get back. Do I want to do more with my life? You bet I do! Do I stil have time? You bet. In ten years, I wil be 40 and my kids will be 18, 17, and 14. I figure I can start living when I am 40, till then..I am the football mom/basketball mom/preschool mom! Sometimes, I would love to trade it, but other times..I think of how much I was missing..and I know I still have time!

 

[peytonsmomie]

Take your kids with you to do fun volunteer work. That can help you feel as though you are "doing something" while you really do something. because honestly (and you don't need me to tell you this) what you're doing, raising kids, is the noblest thing you can do. No matter what anybody says, parenting *is* the oldest profession. Whether you're a working mom or a sahm.

My other suggestion would be, if you can swing it financially, enroll in more classes. You can take anything from fun photog classes (better disney pics!) to getting a graduate degree. A lot of the classes can even be done at home while you care and play with your kids.

It's really hard to be a sahm. I was one for a little more than 3 years, off and on getting a small job when I needed more interaction. I finally decided to go to school for an upper level degree. Now I've got full time school, an internship, and externship, and a part time job. I'm missing my sahm days more than I can say (not my kids though, they think I'm a 'funner' mom now b/c we really make our family time count!).

 

[mumom95]

I know how you feel. I know in my case, being a SAHM really did a number on my self-esteem. Some days it seemed like my only purpose in life was to scrub toilets and change diapers. Don't get me wrong, I loved having the time with my kids, but sometimes living life in a toddlers world can be rough on an adult.

My kids are now going into 2nd and 3rd grade. I've started substitute teaching some, and just really enjoying my off days. It is finally time for me to be able to concentrate on things that make me feel good about myself.

And if I had to do it all over again, I would do it the same. Where it may not always have been the best for me, I know it was the best for my kids. While they may not be perfect, I get complaiments from lots of people, even complete strangers on how well behaved and polite my kids are. And I know that's because of me (and dh )and the sacrafices we made for them.

It doesn't last forever (although, somedays it seems like it) and in the long run, I think most of time SAHM's look back and agree it was worth it. Someday they will be grown and gone, and you'll never get the chance to be a SAHM to a little one again. Egypt and Australia will always be there.

 

[BigEeyore]

I was a full-time SAHM for a year and a half, and it was difficult. I finally decided to go back to work just part-time, and it has been wonderful! I only work 8 days a month, and it allows me to keep up my skills, get some much-needed adult interaction, and make a little extra $$$. If you can find something part-time in your field, and you can swing the childcare, I would recommend it. It has helped me keep my sanity and to have my own identiy, outside of mother and wife (those are the 2 most important things to me).
Hang in there - the early years do go by fast, and you'll get your mojo back!

 

[thegrimdwarf]

Oh, Hon, do I feel your pain!

I had an awesome career before I fled for motherhood. We waited until we were into our 30's to start our family, so I spent my 20's excelling in my field and working my way up to a director level before I was 28. My job was challenging and rewarding, with tons of perks and a 6 figure salary when bonuses were factored in.

I've been a SAHM for 4.5 years. There are days when I just want to scream "I AM NOT A 50'S HOUSEWIFE!!!!" The laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the mothering....the endless cycle of someone needing something from you. It's exhausting and sometimes thankless, and the pay sucks. Sometimes I miss my business suits, Coach laptop messenger, company car and expense account. 2 hour business lunches on the company dime. Nice office. Coffee shop in the building lobby that made awesome lattes and biscotti.

But now, I get to spend my days with 2 of my absolute favorite people. They make me laugh. They make me cry. We go to the park whenever we feel like it. We stay in PJs all day and have pancakes for lunch if we want. Try doing that on someone's payroll.

It's OK to want a break from it all. And really, that's the problem with being a SAHM. You're ALWAYS on the clock. There's no taking a personal day or calling in sick, and dropping the kids at daycare anyway. There's just looking forward to their bedtime and hoping you'll feel better tomorrow. And you probably will. Hugs!

 

[MineeBaby]

You all are so wonderful! I agree that what I am doing is what I feel is the best thing for my kids because we can afford to have me at home, but gosh it justs frustrating sometimes. I also plan on having my "second life" (that is what we call it) when the kids are grown and out on their own, and I do love most of the time I have with the kids. I feel bad, though, when I sit down in front of the computer to DIS or read or give myself a break while they are looking for my attention. Like I need to soak up EVERY moment with them while they are young, but if I don't give myself an adult outlet I go nutty! My parents think I am still going through an adjustment period from spending my whole life as go go go overachiever to learning how to have pancakes for lunch and stay in jammies all day (we don't ever do that--we get dressed first thing before coming down stairs.) Perhaps that is part of my problem!

Thank you all for your support. It is very nice to know that I am not the only person who feels/felt like this and it is nice to hear about it on the otherside when the kids are grown (and sad in a mommy sad way!)

 

[eeyorefan74]

I've definitely been where you are, and it's tough. Like you said, it starts to get to me the most when I compare myself to others. I came from a particularly overachieving high school graduating class. My former classmates are doctors, lawyers, an assistant D.A., and on and on. My mom also likes to tell me about her friends' kids and their accomplishments. I sometimes feel like people don't have anything to ask me about beyond my daughter, since my life has revolved around her since she was born. My DD is almost 7 now, and I'm thinking about going back to work but don't know what I want to do. I'm telling myself there's still time to have a career and really make a difference in the world. There will be time for you, too. My mom stayed home with us, too, and went back to work when we were in middle school. I've always been grateful to her for putting her life on hold for us.

There are great things about being a SAHM, but there are also lots of parts I'm not so good at. I love DD, but I am no good at pretend play- Barbies, animals, etc. I think one of the best decisions I made was to put her in a mother's day out program when she was little. We started out with only one morning a week and it made such a difference. I got grown up time, and she got to play with other kids. I also started going to a Bible study at a church where there were lots of other SAHM's, even of older kids. I felt really validated in my choice being around them. All that being said, some moms are just better moms if they work outside the home. Good luck to you in whatever you decide is best for your family.

 

[Miss LD]

I'm not a full-time SAHM. I'm on mat leave for a year with my 4yo DS and 5 month old DD.
I love the time with them. But it's hard.
I feel like my entire life is centred around them which is good, but at the same time I'm known just as their mom. I feel like my identity is not as who I am, but who I am as a mom.
I'm appreciating this time with my kids, and I'm sad about going back to work in February (financially I have to), but man is is ever hard!
I have soooo much respect for women who stay home all the time.

 

[kpm76]

Motherhood is tough, no matter how you slice it I had a great career before I had my 14 months old DD. I loved the work, travel, lunches and drinks after work. Never in a million years did I picture myself home all day every day. But as soon as my DD made her appearance in this world, something inside me changed. Part of my former job was administering federal grants so I decided to take a spin on that and market myself to non-profits as a contract grant writer. I have a few contracts and work from home. I love my new life. It's crazy, as my nights and some weekends are spent researching and writing, but it affords me the opportunity to be home with DD. I really feel blessed as I didn't have to completely forgo the career, however, I don't get as much adult interaction and sometimes that is tough. I do go to meetings and honestly I look forward to them.

You might consider joining a Board of Directors for a non-profit that interests you. Some of them can be lots of work and require a financial commitment (whether through fund-raising or personal contribution) but they are rewarding. It will allow you time away and give you a sense of contribution to a cause that you believe in. Most Boards meet at night so as long as you have child care then it is convenient for SAHMs.

If politics interests you, consider volunteering for a local candidate. Campaigns are exciting and fast paced. I volunteered on several (met my DH on one). You can do anything from stuffing envelopes to door knocking, whichever suits your personality. Campaign offices are usually very casual so bringing a child in during the day is no problem. I was the volunteer coordinator for a governor's race several years ago and we'd always have moms willing to help and bring their kids. Just some ideas....good luck

 

[happymommy]

Don't feel like just because others are out there doing other things, that your life isn't just as important!

I've been a SAHM since well, before DS was born! In a way, I miss those days when they were really little, since we could get up and do what we wanted during the day. If the weather was bad, we'd go to a really nice mall, the kind that has stores that I can't ever bring myself to shop in, you know many cities have THAT type of mall. We'd just wander, get a bite to eat, enjoy it. We did story time at the library, go to the parks, it was fun! When they got older (4 and 6) I took them to Disneyworld without DH (someone had to work!). I couldn't have done those things if I were working.

Enjoy the time you have - what you are doing IS as important since it benefits YOUR family! I know folks that have really important and exciting careers and are moms, and sometimes envy them as well. But when someone needs something, it's nice to know I am there now. Don't knock yourself.

 

[mom22princessesL&S]

I bet your old friends could look at your pictures of you with your children and be jealous of you. You are very blessed to have a family and doubly blessed to be able to stay home with them. I have been a SAHM for 8 years now and although it is tough sometimes, I wouldn't trade it for all the exotic traveling in the world.

 

[MineeBaby]

kpm76 - Thanks for the great volunteer ideas!! You gave some great ideas. We have been here for a smidge over a year and have tried finding a church and I was hoping to get involved there, but we have been unsuccessful so far. I too worked from home for about 6 months as a contractor for the government and it was awesome. Just a few hours here and there and it was really nice. Since moving to our new location, it is harder to find a government contracting position that will allow me to work out of the home. Bummer, though I off and on try to dig around and see what I can find. Great ideas!

happymommy - You took your kids to Disney World by yourself! You rock! That is so awesome. I totally get the whole mall situation, haha! That made me laugh! I do that that staying at home is much better for our family. I worked for 18 months with my daugher in daycare and while the time I had with her was special and precious, I was a stress ball! Thank you for the great ideas.

mom22princessesL&S - Your post brought a tear to my eye when I read it. Thank you! I feel blessed to be a SAHM too, but every now and again my mind wanders and I get stuck in a rut. But you are so right.

Thank you all! You are all so supportive and have really helped me chillax (a term used in our house, haha, to chill and relax) and remember what is important.

Thank you!

 

[kacaju]

I second the volunteering! I have been an active volunteer for 4-H since before I met dh. I never stopped, even when I had kids. That was my 1 night out each week and even though I was working with children, they were all much older then my kids so it was fun!
I often think that I never got tired of being a SAHM (been one for 15 years now) because of my volunteer work.
Now that my 3 kids are in school full time I just started volunteering my time with our dog going to nursing homes and hospitals as a pet therapy team.
I am also thinking of signing up for meals on wheels. Although I make no money volunteering, it gives me so much pleasure to be able to help others.

 

[happymommy]

Well, that year we bought annual passes, and had gone over spring break (all 4 of us). We got a great deal when Shades of Green was getting renovated - $120 a night for the Contemporary (DH was in the Marines). So... I had the passes, and then this great rate for AKL came out, I think $129/nt. We had never stayed there, then the flights from BWI were about $150 round trip, so I just couldn't resist! I LOVE Disney - and the ages 4 and 6, the kids were getting really easy, especially there. We used transportation from the airport, so I didn't need to drive at all, and the pool was nice with the zero entry. It was so fun, and really easy. Just 4 nights. We did what we wanted, didn't have to worry about if DH would have liked it. We did no sit down meals at all - which is fine with me! I couldn't have done that if I was working. We ended up using the passes one more time that year, so it was a good deal.

I like that we don't have to worry about two parents taking vacation time, just when DH can swing time off. I have a good friend with a great job and 3 kids, and they almost never go anywhere. It's too hard for her to take time off, and the husband as well. I have taken my kids without DH back to visit family and also back to Disney 2 other times, once with a good friend and her 4 boys - we had so much fun, and it was joyful to see the kids have fun together (okay some meltdowns with 6 kids total, but really fun).

It's nice to plan little outings with the kids. We also go to the Science Center and aquarium in Baltimore for a whole day outing - it feels like a vacation.

I did try to work PT with my husband last fall, then DS got sick a lot, and it was too hard to keep having to go pick him up from school. I decided it wasn't worth it, I needed to be close by. I am happy now that I tried working and prefer this.

 

[PoohHappens]

I am not totally a SAHM but close. I work as a nurse one day a week. I wanted to be home more and a friend had a baby and had to go back to work--so she went to work and I came home and keep her baby. My DS is starting 1st grade this year. Hourly I do not make remotely what I make as a nurse--I don't know that I even make minwage. BUT I am home. I love the time with my son and I love offering the time to hers. There are days though that I agree with you, it seems that others lives are passing me by. But then my friend picks up her baby and she feels his life is passing her by. He is her 3rd and she has always worked. She is so busy all the time and it has really stressed her and her family. I am glad that we have made this choice. I really do love being home. This fall we become liscensed as foster parents and will be having other little ones joining us. I am glad to be able to have the opportunity to do this as well. Something I feel I could not do if I worked full time. Best of luck to you, enjoy the moments and take a break now and again too.

 

[Scrapfriend]

I never had a steller career to leave, but I chose to be a SAHM. I want to point out that the season you are in is short and they grow up so fast! I know it seems the days of diapers and toddlerhood will never end, but they will. I have three and I can't believe how fast they are growing up. Just look at this part as a season and try to find outlets that are just for you. For me I found scrapbooking and meeting with friends occasionally to do that was a good way to have something that was mine. As the children went to school I started volunteering more. It is just a season...

 

[minkydog]

I never had a steller career to leave, but I chose to be a SAHM. I want to point out that the season you are in is short and they grow up so fast! I know it seems the days of diapers and toddlerhood will never end, but they will. I have three and I can't believe how fast they are growing up. Just look at this part as a season and try to find outlets that are just for you. For me I found scrapbooking and meeting with friends occasionally to do that was a good way to have something that was mine. As the children went to school I started volunteering more. It is just a season...

I couldn't say it any better than this! It doesn't feel this way when you're hip deep in diapers and applesauce, but they really do grow up. Being a SAHM is the hardest job there is and it's not appreciated nearly enough.

I found that the key was in doing something creative that was just for me--I took up quilting! Not that I'm great at it--it took me 6yrs to finish my first one and it's not looking too good for the second one. But I do love getting together with other ladies on "quilting night" once a month--no kids allowed, we ladies bring whatever we're working on(or nothing at all!), sit around and eat pretzels and talk for hours. None of the husbands dares enter the workroom while "quilting" is going on!

Hang in there. When your kids are the ages of mine (22,15 & 13) you're going to look back in disbelief and say "How did I ever do all that?"

 

[erinmomof2]

I too am feeling the SAHM blues. I stopped working just over a year ago after baby number 2 came along and it's been hard. I loved my job, my coworkers, and just doing something that was just mine. At work I wasn't someone's wife, daughter, or mom, I was just me. For me it's been a big adjustment and is just now starting to get easier. I do wish sometimes that I was doing something more, but I know I would also regret not being home during this time with my kids. My oldest DD starts school this year and that's going to be another adjustment. Like a PP said find something you enjoy, for me it's scrapbooking, and try to take some time for yourself.

 

[toesmom]

Hi everyone!
I just need a place to sort of vent my disappointment or frustration or whatever it is. Jealousy maybe? I have been a SAHM with my just turned 3 year old and 16 month old for about a year and a half. Prior to staying at home, I was in the Air Force and while I enjoyed the content of my work, I wanted nothing more then to be with my daughter and my son by the time he was born. I would spend my lunches going to daycare to spend with my daughter--my whole focus shifted towards her with career as a clear second. So, I have been at home for about a year and a half now. As I look through places like facebook and myspace to catch up with my friends from highschool and college (all spread out now around the world) I feel like they are all doing either great things (my one friend does nothing but missionary work around the world) or just really fun thing (another friend is also in the Air Force as a pilot and he travels the world. His webpage is overflowing with pictures of him with backdrops from Egypt to Australia and everywhere in between.) They have pictures of them meeting up with other friends from college because they too are in the Air Force and happen to be in the same place at the same time as they are passing through.

While I am very excited for all them, I feel like I am not accomplishing nearly as much or doing anything with my life. I love being home with my children and the thought of putting them in daycare or going into a mundane day in and day out job is not at all desirable. I just feel like life is passing me by, though, and I don't know what I can do to fix that. We do playgroups, go to the children's museum, and spend most of our time playing. Anyway, I don't know where I am going with this other than to have an outlet I guess.

Heidi

Heidi,

I'll speak from the heart. My kids are now almost 5 and 9. I stayed home with them until the youngest started fulltime kindergarten last september at 3-3/4 years.

It's difficult to compare your life at home with kids to that of other moms who are out there every day. And you don't see the rewards of your daily work until years later.

Financially things can be difficult, and the decision is only yours to make.

There will be good days and bad days. But even though the days seem to go by slowly, boy do those years FLY BY.

I can remember when my little guy was really young, and now he's really independent at school.

I know all those many hours with them has made an impact on their lives. I see it in how they react to others the same way that I reacted to them. They only ever experienced kindness and patience from me (except a few times, when I couldn't get them to nap, but that's another story - I learned a great trick with the stroller that can get even the most hyper active 3 year old to sleep in minutes).

I probably lost close to 1 million dollars in the time that I didn't work (through paychecks and bonuses), but I can still work for 20 years, or longer (yuck).

I can never relive the time that my kids were young. When I started working, I honestly felt like I was sort of separated from the kids. It was very different being with them all the time, and then leaving at 7am and picking them up at 4. Like I wasn't a part of their lives for most of their day. I'm so glad I didn't do it when they were little. Who knows what I would have missed.

Now not everyone can stay home for many many reasons, but I could and did find some days frustrating. But there were some great days too. The trick for me was going at their schedule - naps were important up until they were at least 3 year old (again, my stroller trick is the only thing that worked for this). If I tried to keep them up, well then everyone was miserable.

We won't have any more children because I couldn't choose to leave them with anyone but my mom (and I wouldn't even put the burden of their care on her full-time). So now I work a lot of hours to make up for the time/money lost, and I remember those days of staying home sometimes with a smile and other times with Uggh I'm glad those days are over.

I think it has more to do with having to keep an eye all the time on toddlers.

If you think life will be easier for you, then head back to work. You probably won't regret either decision.

But again for me, my kids were more important than my job, and sure there were times I wished I was having this fun life, but I don't think there's even one thing I would change about it.

Keep up with the playdates (morning playdates are better), make sure you have at least one mom to sort of keep your sanity with, and remember that these years will just fly by, and you'll remember those little moments. I'm sure your little ones look forward to mom everyday. Maja