OT: Question about my ex/kids

[Loritlc3]

My ex sees his kids very minimally(2 times a monh). Frequently he misses visits because he says 'something came up'. He hasn't seen them for over a month because he cancelled his last 2 visits.Sometimes he will call the kids and other times he won't. For example He recently went 2 weeks without calling them or seeing them at all. Other times he will call them multiple times a day. (Like when we were in Disney).

I tried talking to him about becoming more consistant maybe certain days/times a week and he said that he has the right to call them every day.
When we do not answer for him he gets upset and threatens court.

We have been to court for custody and this issue was never addressed. So are non-custodial parents supposed to be able to call their kids anytime or is it limited?

 

[davis65]

I have asked my attorney the same question due to my husband's ex wife calling numerous times in a day and then going days without talking to them. She tends to only call numerous times when she knows that we are doing something special with the kids. My attorney said that the non-custodial parent is allowed to call. However, if they call excessivley then you do not have to answer. If you keep documentation of all the phone calls the court will address the issue. Most of the courts deem that 2-3 times a week is the normal amount of times that a parent should call their child when they are with the other parent. We had the courts set up that she could call 2 times a week and at certain times. If she goes too many times without calling then she is held in contempt. If she calls on days that are not hers she is held in contempt. The only way she is allowed to call more or less than that is if she has a written agreement with us saying why we allowed her to call or not to call.

 

[PrincessMama605]

I think that the phone call thing varies from state to state. DD's dad made a big fuss about his right to call every day, which my lawyer said was right. But he doesn't actually bother to follow through with it. He forgets to call about once a week. Then the next day he will call at random weird times regardless of the fact that we had set up a window of time that was convenient for everyone.

He was also calling late at night and is now not supposed to call after a certain time because it's too close to her bedtime. He sometimes "forgets" this too. My lawyer told me just not to answer the phone in that case.

So really I have no idea, I guess this turned into more of a rant, sorry. I guess I'm just mad because he forgot to call again last night and when dd asked him about it he just made some excuse, didn't even say he was sorry. I hate that he makes her sad.

 

[Wendy5055]

It sounds like an issue of establishing boundaries. Basically, we had to create a Parenting Plan required by our state and that was how we scheduled phone calls, visitation, etc. I do feel the Parenting Plan helped create boundaries which were difficult to establish otherwise with my ex. HOWEVER, this is my set-up, the Parenting Plan was entered as part of our divorce.

Whenever my dd8 is with her dad, I call her at night and in the morning (no matter where I am or what I am doing)...she just feels the need for the connection and I always call at 7:30pm and 7:15am. I also call her on the same schedule when she goes on vacation with her dad. She also has her own cell phone for such instances so she may reach me anytime if she feels the need (not so much anymore...adjusting) while away for a week or more.

I also make a point if my ex does not call dd8 in the evening (which he is not consistent but getting better) to have dd8 call him. He does not always answer her call...leave message...my duty is done. I just feel it is important to foster some sort of relationship with her dad.

I do sympathize with you as I know that it is difficult attempting to establish boundaries with an individual who refuses to respect them. Try to keep your cool and keep working on setting the boundaries.

 

[sohappy]

whoever has the kids makes the call for us. I have the kids most nights, so they call their dad before they go to bed to talk about their day and to say goodnight. On his weekends, he calls me before they go to bed. It is usually between 7 and 8, but we are flexible.

We both work really hard at being coparents. It is much easier if both parents are going for the same goal. I can't imagine having to deal with some of the drama that you guys have. (((HUGS)))

 

[Wendy5055]

I agree with SoHappy about Coparenting as it does seem to work the best and flexibility is key. It is not always easy, but I think we are able to work around each other fairly well. There will always be those little glitches but the basic boundaries are there.

I too wish you the best...it can be diffuclt but keep cool and positive.

 

[DisneyMomma81]

Sounds like my ex! Our kids are actually spending some time with him at the moment, that doesn't happen very often. He bought a home 2 min. from ours early fall and the kids have spent just 1 night (C~mas Eve ) at his house. I'd be happy if he called the kids each evening to ask them how their day was. Their uncle (ex's brother) is a great divorced dad ~ he has this kids every weekend but the last in a month, he drives an hour each way on Wednesdays to see them, early out day at school, he brings them back to mom at bed time. Their home with mom is an hour from his ~ because she moved away for no reason.

 

[pixiewings71]

ROFL!!! At least he calls your kids and spends time with them. My girls' father has remarried, had 3 more kids (that he can't support) and never calls them, not on holidays, no on bday, nada. They call him and then he calls them back, usually around 8:45 pm and then he says he's "making dinner for the kids" or "putting the kids to bed" so he "can't talk for long". Last summer was the first time in....oh....probably 4 years they had seen him without us making the trip to DLR (he lives in Long Beach), he'd find out we were there and then he'd expect us to let him see the girls, on OUR family vacation.......I could go on but really, at least your ex attempts contact.

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

I ended up getting my son a cell phone when I got one (he's on the family plan so it is only $10 a month)

His father is welcome to call him any time on his phone. Of course, he doesn't bother. But I have found that giving this phone to my son and taking myself out of the equation removes some of the feeling of being "limited". If this is a possibility for you, it might save you some aggravation! Not only that, but I don't have to talk to him.

 

[Loritlc3]

Thank you so much for all of your responses. You have provided a lot of great ideas. I also feel able to relate to a lot of you with similar experiences.

As for being lucky that he shows up and communicates with them I am not so sure about that. I have noticed that the longer the kids go without being around him or hearing from him the happier the kids seem.

My poor babies have been through a lot. Imagine your dad making you all these promises and then says he will be there the next day. You wait and he never shows up. Sometimes he will call hours later, sometimes days, he won't answer where you call to find out where he is or if he is coming.

Later he will explain that friends came over what could he do, or he was helping kids from a church group fish or that he went to a men's retreat.

He is going to buy a jet and fly them to Disney, buy a new truck and pick them up, have big birthday parties for them, etc... but nothing ever happens.

Ernie didn't show up last week because he was in the hospital. He told my 8 year old who responded 'you really expect me to believe that?'

I think no contact at all would be better than this! Wow it kind of felt good to write that all down.

 

[mom2aidanNpiper]

When my ex ran off with someone else 4 years ago, he was uber involved at first0 but dragged the kids into the new relationships probelms. Then they split and so did he (from the kids). Although we have a parenting plan in place, he did the same thing with phone calls. He would promise, then fall through. My youngest was only 10 months at the tme, but my oldest was almost 5 and it was really hard on him.

He moved away and claimed he was too busy to see them, but again would promise my son calls that never came. Then came the day when my son refused to talk to him when he did occasionaly call (and I NEVER talked bad or anything- I tried to get him to coparent positively). Of course my ex blamed me and took zero responsibility for damaging my kid. My son's therapist said that in all honesty in this situation (my son had anxiety, sensory issues, OCD and has trichotilomania as well- lots of issues for this little guy!) that it was best to let him drop out of the picture. I never again forced a call and one never came. It's been 3 years now and my kids are so much happier without the drama.

It's sad he isn't involved but my kids deserve better.

 

[kellyg403]

I agree with others, this is a hard thing. In the initial days of our divorce, ex had a habit of calling with the 'excuse' to speak to the kids but really wanted to get me on the phone to argue. I finally had to speak to the attorney and he said as long as the kids had a phone number he could call that they could answer between reasonable hours, I didn't have to speak to him at all. So, if he called after 8:30 and the kids were in bed, they were little little guys then, no one answered the phone. If he called in the day I looked at caller ID and had the kids answer the phone. The reality is, there is no really good way to handle it. Each situation is different. I didn't tell ex he could only speak to the kids on certain days or whatever, as far as I was concerned he could call them or they could call him fifteen times a day and I didn't care. It was important to me that they forge their way in to becoming their 'own' family.

Nowadays, the kids are older. They really don't call him all that much anymore, he sees them about once year. He calls them from time to time but its not daily and honestly not weekly. I do think they speak on Facebook with him and his family more than they speak in person.

Kelly