OT: Question about hubby *update on post 70*

[santa's surpriz]

My EX-husband did this exact thing, except he did it 5-7 nights a week plus weekends. enough was enough! It is no way to raise a family so I left him! It was really bad, he spent all our money on golf and nights out. We were in a vicious circle, I get mad bc he went out, he would go bc he could deal with me being mad. I did give him a few more chances and he started up again. I tried a marriage conselor and he refused to go bc he thought the problem was I need to go out with him all time. It was irresponsible of him and extremely immature. He was 35 going on 21 years old.

Ironically, tomorrow will be the 4 year anniversary of my first trip to the attorneys office! It was the best decision I ever made. Life is now good, and I am the happiest I have been in years!

 

[wdwmom0f3]

OP, you have asked for advice...so here is mine:

I think you should consider not being a SAHM anymore. You are college educated, so it may not be that difficult of a transition for you. The positives are plentiful -- it will help with the financial situation, you will get out of the house on a regular basis and have a "life" away from DH...and you will be able to support yourself should your marriage not withstand whatever this is that is going on. Whatever this is with your husband, it is much better to be proactive rather than reactive. Having your own job and bringing money into the family can be hugely rewarding and may also help your husband see you as more of a partner. And if you divorce, you may not have a choice and will have to take the first job that comes along.

I am sure you had many reasons for wanting to be home with your kids. But supporting yourself and your kids should be a priority, too. Besides, a great deal of children thrive in daycare (mine was in daycare from 4 weeks old and is now a well-adjusted, popular, straight-A high school student).

Either way, I wish you well. Living in disharmony at home can be a special kind of torture. I hope you get to the bottom of this soon.

Good luck.

This is excellent advice.

 

[RMulieri]

I am sorry If my Dh pulled that crap we would be having some serious fights.In fact I had plans one weekend and he made the comment to one of his friends that he couldn't go out because he had to" babysit"...I went ballistic.."BABYSIT? she is your daughter!"..he never made that mistake again .I am lucky in that respect.Dh asks if I would mind if he did things on weekends...mostly I say fine cause it isn't every weekend.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I am sorry If my Dh pulled that crap we would be having some serious fights.In fact I had plans one weekend and he made the comment to one of his friends that he couldn't go out because he had to" babysit"...I went ballistic.."BABYSIT? she is your daughter!"..he never made that mistake again .I am lucky in that respect.Dh asks if I would mind if he did things on weekends...mostly I say fine cause it isn't every weekend.

Unfortunately, I think this is quite common among many men.

 

[2princessmommy]

I am in a slightly similar situation as you OP and I just felt I had to put my two cents in. I am a daycare provider, working 50+ hours a week at home. I know the feeling of needing time away.

Here are the things that have helped me in the situation....
1. I checked out helpful books on relationships through our church - they have been SO SO great to read. I have read them and applied them to my situation. One book I would suggest is "The Christian Family Answer Book" by Mike Yorkey. In it he says that while we are raising young kids, the marriage can be in the "dark ages" where romantic relationships are put on the back burner because our focus is on the kids, advancing our careers, etc. It made sense to me because I tend to put my children's needs above my husband's most of the time.
2. I reflected on how I was treating my husband. I didn't make the home an inviting place to be because I was "nagging" all the time about him being gone with his buddies. I didn't want to go and "hang" with him because it wasn't what I wanted to do....but after some reflection I realized he was doing things that we used to do before kids and I stopped doing them. He didn't stop. I had to own my own faults and misgivings in the relationship. That was a huge step in our relationship - because I was always putting the blame on him, instead of looking at what I was doing wrong too.
3. I prayed about it, knowing that God is the answer to everything.
4. I started to be more loving and appreciative of him and what he brings to this marriage. I complimented him. I served with a joyful heart. I did the chores with the mindset that I was taking a burden off of him....which made it so much easier to do because I wasn't thinking "well, he should be helping with this, he should be here to do that, etc." I know that sounds very 50's style - but when you change your way of thinking - it certainly makes it different in how you approach it.
5. My focus became what can I do, what can I change, not how can I get him to change......it is much easier to change your way of thinking and dealing with the situation, then to try and change his.

These are things that worked for me.....take it or leave it. I hope I have helped in a small way....

I will pray that God gives you some guidance on what to do. He is a loving God and wants marriages to be successful. Talk to Him and pray to Him.

 

[princessmom29]

I am in a slightly similar situation as you OP and I just felt I had to put my two cents in. I am a daycare provider, working 50+ hours a week at home. I know the feeling of needing time away.

Here are the things that have helped me in the situation....
1. I checked out helpful books on relationships through our church - they have been SO SO great to read. I have read them and applied them to my situation. One book I would suggest is "The Christian Family Answer Book" by Mike Yorkey. In it he says that while we are raising young kids, the marriage can be in the "dark ages" where romantic relationships are put on the back burner because our focus is on the kids, advancing our careers, etc. It made sense to me because I tend to put my children's needs above my husband's most of the time.
2. I reflected on how I was treating my husband. I didn't make the home an inviting place to be because I was "nagging" all the time about him being gone with his buddies. I didn't want to go and "hang" with him because it wasn't what I wanted to do....but after some reflection I realized he was doing things that we used to do before kids and I stopped doing them. He didn't stop. I had to own my own faults and misgivings in the relationship. That was a huge step in our relationship - because I was always putting the blame on him, instead of looking at what I was doing wrong too.
3. I prayed about it, knowing that God is the answer to everything.
4. I started to be more loving and appreciative of him and what he brings to this marriage. I complimented him. I served with a joyful heart. I did the chores with the mindset that I was taking a burden off of him....which made it so much easier to do because I wasn't thinking "well, he should be helping with this, he should be here to do that, etc." I know that sounds very 50's style - but when you change your way of thinking - it certainly makes it different in how you approach it.
5. My focus became what can I do, what can I change, not how can I get him to change......it is much easier to change your way of thinking and dealing with the situation, then to try and change his.

These are things that worked for me.....take it or leave it. I hope I have helped in a small way....

I will pray that God gives you some guidance on what to do. He is a loving God and wants marriages to be successful. Talk to Him and pray to Him.

I have to respectfully disagree with this approach. I DO NOT think this is the best approach to fixing things b/cI say my mom try this and fail misreably. All you become is a doormat he walks over on his way out ofthe house to do whatever it is he wants to do. Thge sweeter you are the more he will take advantage of your sweetness. From what the op is describing this man doesn't really care what his home life is like, he just isn't interested in taking care of anyone but himself. I swore growing up that I would never put myself in the situation my mother did of finally having to load us kids up in the car and leave us in the parking lot while she literally drug my dad out of the bar on Friday night. I told my husband when we started getting serious that this type of behavior was under no circumatances to be tolerated by me and if that was not ok to pack it in now. He was not the type to go out without me anyway, but I just had to make sure it was understood. OP, I think this is the talk you are going to have to have with your husband. In order to get anything to cahnge you are going to have to tell him what you feel has to happen for this marriage to continue. Either he is interested in being a part of your family or not, but nothing is going to change as long as you are enabling his behavior. My mom finally figured this out the night she drug Dad out of a bar, and their marriage has been different since. It was a wake up call for my Dad and he finally realized he was going to lose his family if he didn't change.

 

[tinkermom23]

Luckily, I am not in your situation, however, at one time I was.
This is my opinion, take of it what you want....

#1-You moved 2 years ago, this isn't the "I want to reconnect with my old buddies" thing. This has went on too long and needs to stop now.

#2-You sound like a very capable woman/mother. You can do whatever you need to ensure you and your children are taken care of. Remember that.

#3-You mentioned that you go to church. I think you should talk to your pastor/clergy. He may offer free counseling right there if you can get your husband to go. If not, you can at least have someone to talk to. Maybe the church has other resources for you.

#4-Talk to his parents. It seems like they are sensible and they may not know the whole situation, they have more influence than you. I don't usually run to DH's mommy, but it's just a thought??

#5-Be prepared to walk. DH & I had a time when we said "divore wasn't an option." Problem was that DH felt it was a free ride to do whatever he wanted. Once we seriously talked about divorce and DH understood that it was possible, he tried harder. You don't know what you got till you loose it.

We've now been married almost 18 years and we both say that 15 of them have been wonderful. A few, not so wonderful. It is a tough situation, we too live in a small town, no street lights, and everyone knows your business. Good luck!

 

[2princessmommy]

I have to respectfully disagree with this approach. I DO NOT think this is the best approach to fixing things b/cI say my mom try this and fail misreably. All you become is a doormat he walks over on his way out ofthe house to do whatever it is he wants to do. Thge sweeter you are the more he will take advantage of your sweetness. From what the op is describing this man doesn't really care what his home life is like, he just isn't interested in taking care of anyone but himself. I swore growing up that I would never put myself in the situation my mother did of finally having to load us kids up in the car and leave us in the parking lot while she literally drug my dad out of the bar on Friday night. I told my husband when we started getting serious that this type of behavior was under no circumatances to be tolerated by me and if that was not ok to pack it in now. He was not the type to go out without me anyway, but I just had to make sure it was understood. OP, I think this is the talk you are going to have to have with your husband. In order to get anything to cahnge you are going to have to tell him what you feel has to happen for this marriage to continue. Either he is interested in being a part of your family or not, but nothing is going to change as long as you are enabling his behavior. My mom finally figured this out the night she drug Dad out of a bar, and their marriage has been different since. It was a wake up call for my Dad and he finally realized he was going to lose his family if he didn't change.

I disagree. I am speaking from MY perspective and I don't feel that I am being a doormat. My husband has seen these changes and is changing as well.....he isn't taking advantage of the situation at all. We BOTH have to own up to our own behaviors....I was at fault myself. I focused on the kids and not my husband. I didn't do my part in the marriage and I only focused on what HE was doing wrong. If you look back at the OP comments, there is no mention of what she is doing wrong in the situation. All I was saying is that, by owning my own faults and problems, I changed my attitude.

Always focusing on the other person's faults and not looking inward can and will cause resentment and bitterness which compound the problem, not make it better. Put yourself in the husband's shoes - would you really want to come home and be with your spouse when you hear all the negatives that you do. Do you think YOU could live in that situation....I know I couldn't and I didn't realize I was doing it until I heard my husband say that is what I was doing.

I agree that it wouldn't work if there was an alcohol problem involved...but the OP didn't mention anything about that. Dependency is a WHOLE other situation, not related to this topic.

 

[daleswife]

I woke up this morning and fund myself fixing his breakfast and serving it to him. WHAT?!?!?! I even mentioned it to him.....funny how he does what he does and i still serve him like a maid.

I would LOVE to get a job and not be a SAHM any more. Problem is, as I mentioned, we live in a small town and there are NO jobs here unless I want to work in a coal mines. I could possibly get a job in the grocery store making less than $6 an hour but to put gas in my truck and pay a babysitter it would take every cent I made.

I'm going to try talking with him again today and I'll let you know how it goes.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Good luck. I really hope it all works out for you.

 

[micheleq]

I have to say that tinkermom23's advice sounds spot on to me.

I am not in your situation, so I can't offer any personal advice. I have seen friends and family in this type of a situation, and it seems that the options are to stick with the status quo and be miserable, or change what is in your power to change.

Stop serving him. Don't be a doormat. Take care of yourself and your children first -- and remember that they are watching all of this unfold and how he treats you.

My DSisInLaw has an alcoholic husband. She has been complaining openly about him for years -- she calls him a loser and puts him down. Guess what? Now her teenage kids do the same. It turns my stomach to see what she puts up with, and what's she become (bitter and angry at the world) because of it.

Children come first. Do what you have to do for them. And an ultimatum to cut him out of a trip isn't effective (sounds like he'd be happy to go hunting/golfing instead), how about an ultimatum that he'll be kicked out of the house?

Good luck, be brave, and be strong. Know that you are a competent, capable person, and you deserve to be treated with respect. Right now it sounds like you are being treated like a maid/cook/nanny/roommate, not a loved and cherished wife.

You've got lots of people here on your side!!!

 

[Tinkmom75]

One time I don't know who said it, but I heard marriage described like a circus tent. You and DH are the pole in the center. Your kids and all other things are what's inside the tent. If you don't take time to maintain it and keep it in balance then the whole thing will come crashing down on everyone. Perhaps this is a good analogy of what 2princessmommy was trying to say. I don't know, but I sure hope things go good for you. It's very hard sometimes to be a woman and mother with all the things that are expected of us these days.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I disagree. I am speaking from MY perspective and I don't feel that I am being a doormat. My husband has seen these changes and is changing as well.....he isn't taking advantage of the situation at all. We BOTH have to own up to our own behaviors....I was at fault myself. I focused on the kids and not my husband. I didn't do my part in the marriage and I only focused on what HE was doing wrong. If you look back at the OP comments, there is no mention of what she is doing wrong in the situation. All I was saying is that, by owning my own faults and problems, I changed my attitude.

Always focusing on the other person's faults and not looking inward can and will cause resentment and bitterness which compound the problem, not make it better. Put yourself in the husband's shoes - would you really want to come home and be with your spouse when you hear all the negatives that you do. Do you think YOU could live in that situation....I know I couldn't and I didn't realize I was doing it until I heard my husband say that is what I was doing.

I agree that it wouldn't work if there was an alcohol problem involved...but the OP didn't mention anything about that. Dependency is a WHOLE other situation, not related to this topic.

Look I get that nobody wants to come home to misery but maybe the DH should try and figure out how to make life easier for his wife so she isn't feeling miserable? Also- he simply does not care to even be around his kids! Are they supposed to fetch the paper for him and sit like statues until he decides he feels like playing with them? I am sorry but while I agree that both parties have to work on things I don't think that one person has to create a life of pampering for the other so they feel like being around. Marriage is a partnership not an ownership. Your wife is not there to be your maid. YMMV.

 

[Microcell]

Ok there has to be some sort of happy medium...

Some people are telling you that you should submit to your husband and make everything sweetness and light, and others are telling you not to be a doormat.

I think you might need to do a little of both! First I would talk to him about how you feel and what your perspective is, and ask for his, and listen! Don't defend your point of view, just take in what he says. Then later decide if it is in your power to make it better or not.

Marriage is about give and take.. If my DH is having a hard time at work, I try to go out of my way to make home better, I cook, I make coffee for him so it is ready in the morning. If I am having a bad time he will usually cook or take the kids out for a bit to give me time..

We approach it as a partnership and we BOTH pull our weight. The issue is, will your husband be willing to give some? Will you be willing not to hit him with 20 things right in the door if you know that might be what is driving him away?

Talk to each other and perhaps a mediator like a pastor. Good luck!

 

[LadyShea]

There is no reason he can't do the things he wants AND spend time with you and the kids. My husband plays golf every Saturday. He goes very early in the morning and is home by 11, then we spend time as a family the rest of the day. He goes fishing several times a week as well, usually after dinner while DS and I have quiet time before bed, or he even takes DS if he goes earlier (I don't like to fish) so I can read or watch movies or have dinner with friends. He hosts a poker game here every other weekend, and cleans up before and after.

He offers me time to do what I want to do whenever I want, and I see my friends, see my family, go to yard sales, work on my crafts or whatever.

Nobody is deprived of private time, nobody is deprived of family time.

There's no excuse to not find a balance, and it seems your husband isn't even trying. I hope you can work something out. Best wishes to you.

 

[bumbershoot]

I couldn't read past your first post without immediately replying.


"I had a hysterectomy on June 25th and on June 26th he went and played golf, leaving our kids with his parents instead of taking care of them himself."

See, none of the rest would have happened if it were me, b/c June 27th I would have killed him. Seriously. That's horrible. Sickening. Disrespectful, unacceptable, uncaring (what if something HAPPENED to you??????), rude, jerky, etc etc etc.

 

[MusiqChic99]

Not to sound harsh but why doesn't he want to be home with his own children and wife? Why doesn't he want to take care of his wife who just had surgery? What is going on that he cannot be bothered with his home life at all? That would be my questions. Stop making ultimatums about trips etc. and get to the root of the problem. Seek counseling if you have to but there has to be a reason that he simply does not want to be with his family. Good luck.

I'm asking the same question. He should want to see his wife and kids.

I wouldn't make an ultimatum about a trip. If he doesn't want to be home with you now, will he even care if he's on the trip???

My ultimatum would be....single life or family man. Choose or I'll choose it for you.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I don't know why I am posting this, I probably shouldn't and I no doubt will get flamed, but I can live with that. I have told many people in my everyday life about the things I do and many of them tell me I am stupid, or too old fashioned, etc but you know what? I am blissfully happy and so is my DH.

By the way, this is not directed to OP (Hi Daleswife, I stumbled across this and didn't even notice at first that it was you. Good to hear from you I will PM you later when I get home from Chuck E Cheese with the girls.) But more so to the PP who mentioned Dr. Laura. I have to believe you have not actually read her books, but rather have heard second hand what she writes.

I live by the "Dr. Laura" way of thinking, in fact I just got done re-reading (again) her follow up book to The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (called woman power) yesterday. Now I won't tell you that you SHOULD follow that type of thinking, I can only tell you is that several years ago after reading TPCaFoH it took my good marriage to AMAZING, WONDERFUL PASSIONATE, I could go on!!! And the changes I made in myself did in fact make me happier and in turn him happier. It was almost like magic. I have always believed "her way" (before it was "her way", and had tried to live it far before reading her books, but she lays things out so well, my own beliefs once again became so clear.

BUT, the point of why I wanted to write was not to defend Dr. Laura, but to just point out one misconception about her. She does not preach being a slave to your spouse at all. In fact in WOMAN POWER the very last page says...

"The point of this whole experience is for you to not reduce yourself to nanny, housekeeper or employee. Never forget that you are a woman, and that being a woman is a special blessing. Your feminie touch, your intuition and sensitivity, your sexuality, your special nurturing warmth create and sustain life from the womb through eternity."

Anyway, I am not saying that Daleswife, the poster who posted about Dr Laura, or anyone else needs to follow my way of thinking, but I wante to point out a common misconception about Dr. Laura. I am not a 100% Dr. Laura follower, in fact we no longer get her on the radio so I have not listened to her for years. I used to, and enjoyed it, but did not always agree with her or her way of putting things. But to say she says to be submissive to your husband is not accurate and I thought I'd point that out.

I have many time recomended reading TPCaFoH to many of my friends going through rough patches in their marriages, so far none have chosen to. After re-reading WP again I think that will be the new book I recommend. It is primarily a book of testimonals on how TPCaFoH changed their marriages and many, in fact I'd say the majority were of people who were sceptics.

Now, to Daleswife. I am here to talk whenever you need me. I know I have not been on DIS much but I will be sure to check in daily so if you need to, PM me I'd be happy to listen. Your DH leaving the day after your surgery is very sad and I too would be hurt and angry. Personally, I would deal with that first and hold off on everything else. I don't know if he was trying to send you a message or get back at you for something, but I'd forget everything else for now and find out the root of that. I can't beleive there is not more to that that you are not aware of yet.

to you. Good Luck!

 

[princessmom29]

My main problem with Dr. Laura is the fact that I have heard from her own mouth mutiple times that women are doing their children harm by working outside the home. I think that it is a totally unrealistic epectation in this day and age that one parent be home at all times, and that it is NOT necessairly the best course for all families. My DD is MUCH better off for having gone to Pre-school.

 

[princessmom29]

I disagree. I am speaking from MY perspective and I don't feel that I am being a doormat. My husband has seen these changes and is changing as well.....he isn't taking advantage of the situation at all. We BOTH have to own up to our own behaviors....I was at fault myself. I focused on the kids and not my husband. I didn't do my part in the marriage and I only focused on what HE was doing wrong. If you look back at the OP comments, there is no mention of what she is doing wrong in the situation. All I was saying is that, by owning my own faults and problems, I changed my attitude.

Always focusing on the other person's faults and not looking inward can and will cause resentment and bitterness which compound the problem, not make it better. Put yourself in the husband's shoes - would you really want to come home and be with your spouse when you hear all the negatives that you do. Do you think YOU could live in that situation....I know I couldn't and I didn't realize I was doing it until I heard my husband say that is what I was doing.

I agree that it wouldn't work if there was an alcohol problem involved...but the OP didn't mention anything about that. Dependency is a WHOLE other situation, not related to this topic.

Your situtation seems completely different from the op's. The difference is that your husband actually cared and did not take advantage as her husband seems to be doing here from her statements. For heavens sake he went golfing the day after she had major surgery. If that is not treating someone like a doormat I don't know what is. A man with that level of disregard for his wife and family with continue to take advantage of the situation as long as he is allowed to, and yes he is in the wrong here and nothing she may have done is a justification for his treating her like that. It is inexcusable and will not change untill she stands up and says this stops now.