OT: Parents of onlies

[Barbers2005]

Is it just me, or do you find yourself having to defend your decision to have only one child? Dh and I decided after we had dd4 that we didn't want any more children, but we're always getting grief about it from family and friends. Even though we've told them that we're happy with our family the way it is, we still get questions about when we're going to have another one. Seriously, people act like its inconceivable that we wouldn't want more kids. I've even had people suggest that maybe dh and I don't like kids- hello, we have one! My fil keeps asking when we'll have another and he gets my daughter to ask for a little brother or sister. Not only do I hate him butting in where it isn't his business, dd gets all disappointed when I tell her no. Family is bad enough, but lately, it's become an epidemic. Dh and I are closing on a house next month and were told by two different realtors that there's no way we should consider looking at houses with less than three bedrooms b/c we'll want to have more kids later. Even after we said that dd is going to be our one and only, they just smiled and said "you'll change your minds." It's enough to make me . Why do people keep assuming that my family can't be complete with only one child?

 

[PixiePop]

While I would like to have another child, it doesn't seem like it is going to be in the cards for us. I too get tired of hearing, when are you going to have another, you need to have another for your son's sake, etc........I used to say we'll see, now I just ignore the question and change the subject. I guess it really bothers me too because I do not pry into other people's business, I figure if they wanted me to know something they would tell me.

Thanks for letting me join your vent.

 

[kennancat]

I don't have kids, but I am an only and I can say I've never regretted that my parents didn't have more children. Just butter your DD up when she asks and tell her you're so happy with her that you don't need any other children. And point out that siblings mean the the Christmas presents and mommy and daddy's time gets divided in half

In the end, people will always find something to criticize. DH and I aren't sure if we even want kids or not and I know plenty of people get upset about that. The funny part is that if we do decide to have kids, we'll probably only choose to have one, so we'll still have people who think we're awful. You can't win!

 

[tmt martins]

We decided way before we even married that once we knew the one we had was healthy ( going to live) I would go get fixed and thats just what we did.Our preist was our biggest with the are you ready speil.

With both working full time jobs we just thought it was better to have the one and still enjoy ourselves then to have more and be strapped. I'm not compairing it to having money just to having some better things and many trips as a family.

We have cousins and friends that never get to go anywhere with the 3 and 4 kids in their families so they are always greatful to tag along.I told her when she hits 13 this year as being a teen she can start bringing a freind down to WDW with us .

And as far as NO CHILDREN i have the greatest Aunt and Uncle with none that are the nicest to DD and the rest of her cousins then they could even be we are always out with them as He is the youngest of 10 on my moms side.So thats fine as well there are many others making up for you not to want the population will not suffer.

 

[DVC Mary]

I am on only child & so is my DH. In our humble opinions: It's lonely being an only & as our parents age everything is on us. It has been especially rough on me b/c my Dad died when I was in h.s., my mother doesn't drive, & when she battled cancer I was often all alone in the surgery waiting room for the entire day.

We have 2 DSs & have tried hard to create a network of close friends. It's still tough though, b/c family comes 1st & we're not their family. I understand that people should keep their nose out, but if any of the ones hassling you is an only child, they may be doing it from their own experience. One of my friends has chosen to have only one, but is blessed to have tons of cousins near her age w/ a large extended family. Some people can't have a 2nd child for medical reasons & that's no one's business too.

Some people don't take a hint to butt out. If FIL is really making you crazy, is there a sympathic person in the family who could talk to him for you. Good luck!

 

[suffolkprincess]

This is a GREAT thread!!!

I love the input from the two onlies so far: and, lonely only-- we do worry about that. Do you have a lot of first cousins you are close to? We are hoping that the cousins will be a big part of our DD's life. (She has LOTS of them, we are all very close-- live in same neighborhood, play on teams together, etc.)

For my family's part-- we LOVE our life together, its just right. We have all kinds of balance and peace and joy. Its truly wonderful. That said, I had a really bad year last year (depression and such) and, on the other side of it, I have no desire to stir things up. Raising this child, handling this marriage and doing these jobs: its what we can do well. We are all happy. Why change it?

Everyone always tells us "you'll NEVER regret having another one, but you might regret NOT having one..." BUT I think that maybe we would. Its just too ugly to *admit* those regrets, so people don't.

Yesterday at my DD's 4th birthday party I was asked several times when we were having another: and I used that universal nosiness-stopper of saying "Why do you ask?" And NO ONE really had a reply.

 

[las3888]

DH and I were like one of the PP in that we weren't sure we would ever have children...was it in the cards of us or not? We had such a great time enjoying life without kids!!!

However, we had DS when the biological clock really started ticking. Surprisingly, after I had him, I really thought I wanted another (after thinking if we had a baby, we would just have ONE). I still struggle with the decision a bit. It is POSSIBLE, but would be difficult as both DH and I are OLD and I had a somewhat difficult pregnancy. I think we are about done, but I still can't part with all of my DS's baby things (he is only 18 mos).

Also, due to our age, and previous pregnancy, I actually think our family would be upset with us if we got pregnant, because they would have to worry about all the problems we might encounter all over again!

If you are bothered by all the inquiries, trust me....when you get to be in your 40's, people will definitely stop asking!!!!

As far as family size, everybody is different. Some kids get along, some don't. I love having my sister, would really miss that relationship, so I understand how important siblings are. On the other hand, DH has 3 siblings and none of them are all that close. They live all spread out through the country and we see them very sporadically.

Anyways, good luck to you!

 

[DVC Mary]

This is a GREAT thread!!!

I love the input from the two onlies so far: and, lonely only-- we do worry about that. Do you have a lot of first cousins you are close to? We are hoping that the cousins will be a big part of our DD's life. (She has LOTS of them, we are all very close-- live in same neighborhood, play on teams together, etc.)

For my family's part-- we LOVE our life together, its just right. We have all kinds of balance and peace and joy. Its truly wonderful. That said, I had a really bad year last year (depression and such) and, on the other side of it, I have no desire to stir things up. Raising this child, handling this marriage and doing these jobs: its what we can do well. We are all happy. Why change it?

Everyone always tells us "you'll NEVER regret having another one, but you might regret NOT having one..." BUT I think that maybe we would. Its just too ugly to *admit* those regrets, so people don't.

Yesterday at my DD's 4th birthday party I was asked several times when we were having another: and I used that universal nosiness-stopper of saying "Why do you ask?" And NO ONE really had a reply.

I had seven 1st cousins here & then suddenly both families moved back to Ireland by the time I was about 6. My parents' friends did not have kids or had kids that were grown. I always felt lonely on national holidays. My board games were always in perfect condition, b/c I only played them occassionally w/ my parents. Some of my friends would play them w/ me, but often they would say: "Oh, I play that one w/ my brothers & sisters all the time." It's even harder now that my Mom is aging & my DH's mother & stepfather are aging. We just moved & found that as usual, it stinks not having extended family to ask for a little help. We hired professional movers, but there are so many little things that some extra hands would be wonderful to have. We also spend a lot of $$$ on babysitters, b/c we don't have relatives to ever ask. I only ask my Mom when I'm desperate--as the DSs & she age, it becomes rougher for her to handle both of them.

That said, I think many onlies can be well adjusted. I have however had people tell me that I don't get certain things b/c I didn't grow up w/ siblings. There's just a part of me that's missing.

Now that doesn't mean that 1st cousins can't make up for this. They can especially if they go on family trips together & are forced to share regularly. It was always just the three of us: Mom, Dad, & I--unless we went "home" aka Ireland. My parents were born there & we went there once every 4 years roughly b/c we had to save up. I'm so blessed. I can take my kids on vacation every year, although Ireland is bit more expensive w/ the poor value of the dollar.

I also understand the stress that children take on a marriage sometimes & people's health. If the marriage crumbles or one's health suffers severely, it's going to be rougher on the children. The balance you mentioned is key. A happy marriage w/ happy individuals is key for a healthy family.

"To each their own." They'll stop asking eventually. You've got a great com back line. Try to take it as a compliment that people think you're great parents. I once knew a couple that were NOT. No one was encouraging them to have a 2nd child.

Best of luck!

 

[glass slipper girl]

I am an only as well. I can honestly say that I don't ever remember wishing for a sibling and my parents both say they don't recall me asking for one either. My mother was over 30 when I was born (and 35 years ago that was an "old mother" ) so other kids weren't in the cards for them. They tried for years and endured many miscarriages before I was born. I can honestly say that I am closer to both of my parents than most of my friends with siblings were/are to theirs. I never resented their choice not to have other kids and I wouldn't trade the relationship I have with them for anything. We had difficulty concieving our first 2 kids (baby #3 is on the way and is a surprise). After serious fertility meds and invasive treatments to get DS #1 I said I was willing to do meds and less invasive stuff to try for another but nothing as drastic as what we did the first time. If that didn't work, then we would just have the one and be happy. I can tell you it bugs me to hear people talk about wanting to have baby #2 just so "litty Suzy/Johnny doesn't have to be an only child." As if being an only child is some sort of abuse. I have tons of first cousins who are near my age but I grew up in GA and they were all in LA so I didn't see them often. I'm close to a few of them now as an adult and I do know that if I needed anything, they would be there for me as would my aunts and uncles so that helps some.

I can only give 2 real negatives to being only only. The first is that as a child, only children don't have siblings picking on them as part of their everyday life so they don't develop the "thicker skin" that kids with siblings often do so you tend to get your feelings hurt a little more when you are picked on. I never had trouble with sharing or anything else as my Mom did have me around other kids all the time at playgroups and preschool and all that. I was also never painfully shy or anything so the thin-skinned get very upset when picked on thing was the only hard thing for me as a kid. On the other hand, I have a friend whose brothers teased he so much about the fact that she was a chubby kid with curly curly hair that she has horrible body image issues and is INCREDIBLY self conscious about her hair. Other kids didn't really tease her about that stuff...it was all her brothers. So having a sibling pick on you isn't always a good thing either! As an adult is where the big negative comes in...that when my parents pass away, it's just me left. I know my extended family will still be there for me but that will be tough for me when Mom and Dad are gone. Not the end of my world as I have my children and my family but it will be tough at that time. Of course there is a flip side to that too...my mother's parents are divorced and both remarried and had several kids. On both sides of my mother's family there is one sibling who is making life hell for the others over inheritance stuff and other issues. On one side it's gone so far as a lawsuit between brothers. On the other side she has a brother and a sister who don't speak to each other over an argument their kids had over a broken action figure. So having a sibling wouldn't guarantee harmony and family support either.

If you choose to have an only...don't let the comments bother you! Being an only is not so bad. I have so many friends who look back and wince at childhood memories and are not close to their parents and I look back and can honestly say that there were times I was mad as you know what at my parents and they with me but that in all honesty, I can not remember one time that I ever doubted that either of them loved me. I have always been very close to them and while I have friends with siblings who had lovely childhoods and are close to their parents...it's not the same closeness. They have that closeness with siblings so it's not toally missing but I do treasure my relationship with my parents still.

Know also that people will make ignorant and busy-bodied comments about your family no matter what decisions you make. We got the comments about having our sons so close in age (they are 21 months apart). It took us a few years to get DS#1 so when he hit 1 we started the process for #2 thinking it would take a while but it didn't! Once we decided we were done and were stopping with the 2 boys we got the "not going to try for a girl?" comments. Then when baby #3 came as a surprise we got comments on how we were insane to have 3 kids and didn't we know how to prevent this? (hmmm...we figured we hadn't used birth control, including the "rythm method" since 1995 and as of early 2006 when we decided our family was complete we only have 2 kids so we figured a surprise wasn't highly likely!) Now that we know baby #3 is another boy we get all the "awwww...I'm so sorry." comments and the "so are you going to try again?" comments. I'm convinced that no matter what you do, the "general public" is convinced it's wrong and has no qualms about telling you about it!

 

[barkley]

it's not just onlies that get lonely-so do kids who are younger with much older sibs. in my case 6-16 years older, in dh's case 16-20 something. you never interact with your sibs as sibs (esp. in my case where all 3 of mine were brothers and had no desire to play 'little girl games') they are generaly at different life stages than you are so it's hard to relate to one another, you end up with your own kids having cousins who are much older and therefore not suitable as playmates (my kids are 9 and 12-their cousins are finishing college or married and off on their own)-and you can end up with some realy odd dynamics as you age-if much older sibs don't marry/ don't have kids you can end up dealing with aging issues of both your parents and your sibs while you have very young children.

i would suggest anyone who has an 'onlie' and is considering (for the benefit of the child) to have another-think about the age your current child will be when you anticipate a second would be born, and realy think if there is a real chance that it would be likely the 2 would interact positively together (a 6 year old may think a baby is cute, but an 8 year old is not that patient with a toddler, a 12 year old is unlikely to want to hang out with a 4 year old-and once the older ones hit their teen years having a preadolescent sibling who wants to do things with you/emulate you-is not a happy situation for either.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Is it just me, or do you find yourself having to defend your decision to have only one child?

Yes, we get asked if/when we're having more a lot, but I usually just say "no, medical reasons" and they back off in guilt. Besides, I think kennancat was right. - Some people will question any decision that is not the same as their own. I get the "he needs a sibling," and my SIL with 4 gets the "are you crazy?" You can't really win. Just remember that the world needs all sizes of families, and be glad you have the confidence to know what's right for yours.

 

[amy4bruce]

There was just a thread about this, also on the Family board. It was from a poster wondering if she should have a second. Responders included a teenager who begged them to have another, and all kind of people on both sides of the issue.

I have an only child. She's six, and terribly well adjusted. At six, her self-image is better than mine and DW's put together. Sometimes she asks about a sibling, but we explained to her that it was medically impossible (alas, too true). Other people ask, but stop when you say, "It might be fatal," or other medical comments.

I pop out with the medical reasons immediately, just because I don't want to hear arguments. It's not our choice to have just one, but this is what we have, and we're doing the best we can to raise her properly. If it were our choice, I'd feel the same way.

 

[littleprissboutique]

I know how you all feel! My dd is an only. We have thought about having another child, but I dont think we can. We have tried and tried. It really hurts when others keep asking about another child. I even had one of my DH co-workers say that we are NOT REAL PARENTS UNTIL WE HAVE 2. How dare people judge my parenting skills, by saying I am not a MOTHER until I have two children. This coming from a mother of two who never has the time or money to spend or take her children anywhere. I feel so sorry for those boys.

Well, God gave us our precious blessing, and that is enough for me. If I cant have another child, He got it perfect the first time! I so love my baby girl! She is my everything. I would love two, but maybe my family was not meant to have more in it. God knows best, and it is in his hands. So, my DH and I have decided if she is our only one than we are HAPPY with our family of 3!

I also enjoy being able to do things with my dd. If I had more than her I think we may have to scale down a lot, but I was willing.

 

[Principessa Alba]

Another with an only child, and it's been great! She's a joy!

I was unable to have any more children, so that usually shuts people up when they get rude and question our "decision" (I ususally say, "God made our decision!) I hear you! People are unbelievably bad-mannered sometimes!!!!!!

Stop feeling like you must defend yourself and just give'em the old !

 

[juligrl]

Totally understand what you're saying and yes, people should really mind their own business. On the other hand, maybe you could try understanding where they are coming from too and just take their nebbiness as their character flaws. It does work both ways.

Personally, I would want a dozen children if we could support them (pregnancy and labor come easily to me). We have 2 and that is probably where we will stop. I would never berate you for having one child nor would I question your decision. It's just not my business.

 

[PrincessV]

I'm an only and my DS4 is, too. YES, despite four years of saying "no", despite the fact that my ex-husband up and walked out on us 8 months after DS was born, despite the fact that I'm juggling work/raising DS/and school, people still keep telling me "Don't worry, you'll have another child someday!". And it's said as if my life won't be complete without doing so.

I was never lonely growing up. I had plenty of friends, and if they weren't interested in doing whatever it was I wanted to do, I just did it myself - no hard feelings. My DS is much the same; independent, confident, outgoing. We're very happy with things just the way they are. People need to just mind their own business

 

[Principessa Alba]

Totally understand what you're saying and yes, people should really mind their own business. On the other hand, maybe you could try understanding where they are coming from too and just take their nebbiness as their character flaws. It does work both ways.
.

Where are they coming from, because I think they need to stop coming from there!!

It is irritating enough to have to defend a personal nobody-elses-business- decision, but downright cruel to assume it was a decision and make me feel bad. I wanted more kids, just couldn't have them. I'm not sure how it works both ways! I'm just here with my only child, minding my own business!!!

 

[reggiemcp]

Hi

As the mom of an onlie it drives me crazy when people ask that question. Not that is their business but I had DS at 40 after 2 years of fertility treatment and feel blessed to have him. DH and I decided that we did not want to endure that again and feel very lucky to have become parents in the first place. But that reason aside it is no one's business as to why we have the number of children we have or don't have. I don't care to share my medical issues with strangers.

As the number 5 child of 6 I do sometimes worry that DS will never get to have some of the experiences I had with my siblings. We are all very close to this day. However, he has 5 first cousins and many aunts and uncles. So I don't think he will miss out on much.

Why people cannot realize that what other people choose to do with their lives is none of their business I truly don't get.

 

[Lisa_Belle]

The story I give people when they ask is "Why would I want another child? The one I have is perfect. I did it right the first time." (and, she is

I'm an only and I love it! No, it wasn't my parents' choice. Yes, it means having to accept more responsibilities with aging parents, but that is life. Actually, the only time I wanted another sibling was when I was in high school and I wanted a brother two years older who would bring home potential dates.

And FWIW - my mom is no. 2 of four. The eldest is a loner introvert who doesn't like anyone and doesn't get along with any of the sibs. No. 3 is a bitter whiner who isn't liked by any of the other sibs. Mom says she doesn't know how in the world they can even be related they are so different. Mom and No. 4 do get along (which makes No. 3 even more bitter and jealous), but their ages are so far apart that Mom was pretty much out of the house before No. 4 even started school. I also know a set of twins who absolutely can't stand each other to the point where one asked to be transferred to another school.

So long story short, siblings don't always like each other. It's absurd to have a child for the sake of another.

 

[juligrl]

Where are they coming from, because I think they need to stop coming from there!!

If my mother had asked me "when are you having a second?" (not that she ever would because that's just not my mother), I would understand that it came from the perspective of having lost a sibling. My mom and my aunt were only 2 years apart so they shared so many memories. My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer at 38 and died at 39 (this was 18 years ago). Suddenly, my mother was left as an only child. She was left as the only one to help her parents through their golden years. No one to share those special memories and moments with - the other memories gone. I'll always remember getting the news she had passed (we were at church), and driving into my grandma's house (it had just started to snow). My mom was just talking - stream of consciounce - "I should've had three. Sorry."

I can understand where she would be coming from if she said anything like that.