OT: other non-spankers feel discriminated against?

[Bektasmic]

Thank you everyone for your posts. I'm glad this thread hasn't turned nasty as I know it's an emotional subject. I don't really want to get into reasons-for-spanking-or-not-spanking, as my main goal is just to get help with dealing with other parents who insert themselves into our business. For some reason, this one just really gets to me in a way that other stuff doesn't...for example, the "you feed your kid THAT?" or "you nursed for HOW long?" or "you don't let your kids watch tv?" and the like are easier for me to deal with-probably because they are not as emotional as subjects. I am always at a loss to find something not-hateful to respond with when people are basically telling me to hit my kids. I guess I don't owe them any explanation at all, but in a smallish community I would rather remain on neighborly terms with as many people as possible. I just need a one or two line phrase i can have at my disposal so that it doesn't become an argument.

 

[omegsmom]

In my area it is the spankers who would probably feel more discriminated against, but I bet people on both sides of the issue have heard plenty of comments from others... Just like working vs. stay at home moms and breastfeeding vs. bottle... I think everyone just needs to do what is right for them and their family, respect others' choices and leave it at that... only speak up if something seems outright dangerous and be courteous when you do since their may be a reason the parent is doing what they are doing.

 

[NMAmy]

I've never actually had anyone really ask about how I disciplined dd.

In fact, the only person who has ever given me a hard time about spanking is a relative's husband last Christmas. Did I mention that my dd was EIGHTEEN at the time? She wasn't doing anything bad, he just mentioned that he thought I'd been too lenient all her life and I should have spanked her when she was little. This person was not even part of the family when dd was young.

My mother (who I'm sure rolled her eyes over the years at me not spanking), shocked the heck out of me by standing up for me and saying, "She's raised a well behaved, polite, intelligent young woman. I think she's done a fine job. Once you've raised a daughter through being a teenager and dealt with everything involved in that, we can have this conversation again."

 

[saremca]

My mother (who I'm sure rolled her eyes over the years at me not spanking), shocked the heck out of me by standing up for me and saying, "She's raised a well behaved, polite, intelligent young woman. I think she's done a fine job. Once you've raised a daughter through being a teenager and dealt with everything involved in that, we can have this conversation again."

I think I love your mom.

 

[SLK1]

Gosh, I would think you would more looks these days from people who are NOT spankers than those who are...more people (where I am anyway) do NOT spank, so when we see a child getting hit, eyebrows are raised. However, I also realize to each his own, and I think there is a big difference between spanking when a child is in danger (as in crossing the street without looking or pulling hot coffee down on himself) and spanking out of anger, which is dangerous.

I was spanked as a kid - with a wooden spoon no less - and my brother got the belt (horrifying to hear), and my mom always apologizes saying, "It's all I knew". Well, if we all kept up that attitude, we'd all STILL be hitting our kids repeatedly. I'm glad some of us stopped the madness and realized there are other ways to discipline. Having said that, I'm appalled at the behavior out there of kids and their parents letting kids "express themselves"!

 

[smkiya]

I wouldn't say I feel "discriminated against", but we've heard the comments, mainly from my in-laws and closest friends.

Our closest friends spank their children and they are appalled every time we say that our kids have never been hit. They have this look of shock on their face, like they can't even imagine.

I grew up without being hit and my dh grew up on the other end of the spectrum....borderlining physical abuse. So, it was important for both of us to NOT hit our children.

Every parent is different and they have to do what works for them...but, I just can't justify ever hitting a child.....EVER. It's always been child abuse in my book and always will be.

This must be totally regional, because the opposite is true here. People look at you like you abuse your child if you even mention that you patted their bottom. I think that is ridiculous! Parents are so terrified of disciplining their children with spanking, that it is getting out of control. I also have a huge problem with people who compare a pat on the bottom to child abuse. I know first hand about child abuse and a pat on the bottom it is NOT! Obviously, I have no problems with spanking, though it is a very very rare occasion that I actually will.

I'm terrible, as I threaten spankings, time outs, no TV, no dessert and then don't follow through (because I feel bad). I think whatever method of discipline is used the most important thing is to follow through with it. Now that I'm doing a better job of following through with what I threaten, I have to discipline much much less. Dd's more dissapointed with losing priveledges than getting spankings... especially now that the weather is getting warmer and her friends are outside all the time, one step out of line and she's in for the day (works like a charm! ).

When I was a kid and I did something wrong, my mom would give me a choice. She'd say something like, do you want a spanking or no dessert? I took the spanking, because I knew she'd never let me have dessert, but the odds were in my favor that the spanking would never materialize. I don't think she liked giving spankings either, but that's what parents did back then. Oh yeah, and they didn't hurt.

 

[geishagirl81]

I totally got wailed with the spoon as a kid, lol! I spank as needed, never out of anger though, and always if a time-out fails to correct the bed behavior. As a teacher in Detroit I saw kids get the crap spanked out of them for nothing much. I'd report the incidence to the social worker in the school and she'd tell me to be grateful that the parent was involved at all in discipline. Horrible. And then I had students who I know for a fact had no parental guidance at all and I wished someone would have spanked them a good time to two.

I think that I get looked down at times for supporting spanking (even though I support nonspankers AS LONG as there is alternative discipline going on). I've had ppl make comments that as a teacher, I should "know better" than to spank. As if only low class people spank their kids. Whatever. My son is 2 and is in his defiant stage, sometimes nothing will work to get his attention but a good swat.

 

[saremca]

I totally got wailed with the spoon as a kid, lol!

Oh yeah. My mom wielded that wooden spoon like a weapon!

 

[surfergirl602]

We are non spankers and we do get the looks and the comments. I just can't justify using violence to solve anything. At a young age, do they understand what a spanking really is? I could only imagine a "why are you hitting me?" and it teaches them to hit back and others. Just our beliefs. Our kids are angels compared to some others I've met along the way, but all kids are different.

 

[rluey29]

When I was little I was hit with belts, shoes, brushes, switches, etc and I don't think I was that bad of a child. But my mom's favorite thing to do was slap me in the face in front of everyone no matter where we were. It was much more humiliating than a spanking to me.

 

[emh1129]

(non-spanking family here)
I haven't ever heard comments from other people. If they disagreed with my methods, they kept it to themselves
But most, if not all, of my friends are of the same mindset. I know that DH's family comes from a pro-spanking mentality, but they have never said anything to me and they respect our choice. And they know better than to ever raise a hand to one of our children.

We're just trying to teach our children how the real world deals with conflicts (of all kinds). I don't spank their Daddy when he goes against my wishes (as much as I'd like to sometimes ).
If our children are being unsafe or if they need time to think about what they've done, I'll call their attention to it & then we often have a "cooling off" time-out (where we BOTH cool-off, sometimes Mommy needs a time-out, too!), usually sitting on the stairs or in a chair, and then when we've calmed down we talk about it. Sometimes privileges can be taken away, too.
It works for us.

 

[disney_family_1247]

I remember getting the comments from other moms at playgroup when my oldest was two. One mom said something about spanking her daughter, and asked me if I did that too. When I said no, she said, "Oh, wait until she's three. Then you'll start." I just nodded politely.

My oldest child is now almost nine. My sweet girl has never even been in time out She is polite and well-behaved. My son was more of handful, but at six, he's also well-behaved. My current two year old can get wild, but it only takes some stern talking from me to get her back into line.

Meanwhile, that same mom who told me I'd "have" to spank my kids eventually came over once when her son was three. I can't remember what he did wrong, but she took him into the other room and started hitting him with a wooden spoon she kept in her purse!!!!! Whatever your opinion of spanking/hitting, I would think that you wouldn't do it in someone else's home!

I feel your pain-no respect for more peaceful methods of discipline!

 

[RMulieri]

I never discriminate against non-spankers , what works for one kid does not for others. I DO feel discriminted against because I am a spanker ( only for serious infractions where nothing else is working).I get real tired with the dirty looks and comments when people find that I do spank.

 

[PrincessBelle39]

If it helps, I don't know a single parent in my community who does spank. Just not done around here. Maybe it's somewhat regional? I never considered spanking to be an option. DS is 11 now, so he's almost big enough he'd be spanking me!

I was going to say the same thing here. I honestly couldn't tell you that I knew anyone at all that spanked their children. Its certainly not a common thing here.

 

[princessmom29]

I don't really feel discriminated against, but I do get sick of those "slap your kid" comments. So, here's how I handled just such a person who happend to be a family member and avid spanker.

We were all gathered at one of our wonderful family get togethers and as usual she was being herself which meant, IMO she was being inappropriate. So I whipped around, grabbed her arm and spanked her butt til she yelped. She teared up in both pain and embarassment, holding her butt and asked me what I thought I was doing. In my best MOM voice I said "Well young lady, you sould know better than to stick your noise in to other people's business. Maybe that little butt bustin' will teach you a lesson for next time!" You'd be amazed how many knowing smiles I got from the other family members who are just as sick of seeing her smack her kids for breathing the wrong way. What broke my heart the worst was her daughter who was 5 at the time finding me later and hugging me telling me "thank you". I've always said if it's ok to spank a child, it should be ok to spank an adult for the same behavior. Let's face it, many adults act just as bad as kids!

It is comments and situations like this that make me feel discriminated agianst for spanking my kid. I could agrue that you would probably have exactly the same reaction if someone tried to put you in time out or take TV privliges form you our use whatever punishment you choose to use for you kids to control your behavior. It is not acceptable on any level to punish an adult in the same way you would a child. Children are learning to develop boundaries and as parents it is our responsibility to teach boundaries, not to police the behavior of adults. By your reasoning I should be taking my husband's Xbox away when he forgets to take out the trash, or telling my sister that she lost TV for a week when she didn't show up to my moms bday. We don't parent the other adults in our lives. None of those things are acceptable responses to bad behavior for adults. Neither is spanking one. All of the above are acceptable responses to poor behavior in a child, yes even spanking. We use discipline to teach our children what their boundaries are.

 

[kinntj]

Now I think the problem with children today is a lack of discipline, spanking or otherwise. Children are having children and they don't know how to parent so they are friends with their kids! I am not my child's friend. He has those. I see so many kids misbehaving and the parent doing nothing. They need discipline. Spanking, time out, what ever happens to work for that child. Just my opinion though.

DING DING DING! We have a winner.

OP, if you are happy with the way you are raising your kids, then that's all that matters. I guess I've learned to not take if personally when others have an opposing view point on parenting. They won't convince me and I won't convince them otherwise. KWIM?

I know it gets tedious after awhile, but hang in there.

 

[smkiya]

It is comments and situations like this that make me feel discriminated agianst for spanking my kid. I could agrue that you would probably have exactly the same reaction if someone tried to put you in time out or take TV privliges form you our use whatever punishment you choose to use for you kids to control your behavior. It is not acceptable on any level to punish an adult in the same way you would a child. Children are learning to develop boundaries and as parents it is our responsibility to teach boundaries, not to police the behavior of adults. By your reasoning I should be taking my husband's Xbox away when he forgets to take out the trash, or telling my sister that she lost TV for a week when she didn't show up to my moms bday. We don't parent the other adults in our lives. None of those things are acceptable responses to bad behavior for adults. Neither is spanking one. All of the above are acceptable responses to poor behavior in a child, yes even spanking. We use discipline to teach our children what their boundaries are.

Well said.

 

[Keara'sMom]

I was on the fence about spanking (hadn't yet done it, but was considering it)until my dd and I (I think she was about four at the time) were in the grocery store one day and witnessed a man spanking his daughter (really spanking her). My dd got this horrified look on her face and asked, "What is that man doing to her?" DD was scared to death. After that, I decided that spanking just wasn't for me.

That said, everyone needs to do what works for them. As for comments from others, I guess I'd just turn it around with a question, like, "Why do you say that?" or just a simple "Oh." and let it go.

 

[Fintastic]

I was spanked as a kid - with a wooden spoon no less - and my brother got the belt (horrifying to hear), and my mom always apologizes saying, "It's all I knew". Well, if we all kept up that attitude, we'd all STILL be hitting our kids repeatedly. I'm glad some of us stopped the madness and realized there are other ways to discipline. Having said that, I'm appalled at the behavior out there of kids and their parents letting kids "express themselves"!

I don't understand that. Maybe it's all she (and most parents of her generation) knew, but how did she feel when she was hitting her kids? Wouldn't that tell her that something was wrong? I just can't bring myself to spank DD. I physically can't. It goes against every fiber of my being to hit her on purpose. Even if everybody recommended it and her pediatrician recommended it and it was the greatest thing ever for raising kids, I still couldn't spank her. There are other ways to discipline.

 

[princessmom29]

I don't understand that. Maybe it's all she (and most parents of her generation) knew, but how did she feel when she was hitting her kids? Wouldn't that tell her that something was wrong? I just can't bring myself to spank DD. I physically can't. It goes against every fiber of my being to hit her on purpose. Even if everybody recommended it and her pediatrician recommended it and it was the greatest thing ever for raising kids, I still couldn't spank her. There are other ways to discipline.

How does anyone feel when they have to discipline their kids?? I HATE having to spank DD, but I do it b/c I believe I would be doing her a disservice by not doing it. As a parent I have a responsibility to teach her right from wrong. If other punishments don't effect a change in her behavior, I have to do something to fix what is wrong. Different situations call for different measures of discipline, and I feel that sometimes spanking is necessary, and when that is the case I am willing to do it however unpleasant for the good of my child.