OT - "Onlys" and Parents of Onlys - Help please!

[DisneyAllison]

WOW. Thank you for all of the wonderful replies.

It is nice to hear that I am not alone. My pregnancy with DD was very complicated as well, so that just adds more risk to the situation.

I am starting to feel much more at peace about the whole situation. I feel like we have already been blessed with a healthy, strong child. That is definitely something to be thankful for.

To anyone who has had the surgery, how long was your recovery? I know they say 6-8 weeks, but how much of that do you actually have to be still, no driving, etc. ? I am worried about getting DD to summer activities like gymnastics, t-ball, etc. I am such a planner, and want to be ready for all of this.

I want to thank you again for all of the replies, thoughts, and prayers. It means more than you know.

 

[Kit'smommy]

You poor thing. I am so sorry. Please just focus on getting through this and getting well again.

I understand your feelings to some extent. DH and I lost a baby at 8 weeks back in 2000. We now have an almost 5 year old after several years of trying to get PG. Now I would love to have another, but DH is against it (he thinks he is too old) and I am not sure we could get PG anyway.

Somedays, I really worry about DS being an only. However, he likes having DH and me to himself and has never been interested in having a sibling. He does have several cousins around his age and a lot of friends.

I also realize that if we had anymore children, there is no guarantee they would have anything to do with each other anyway. I have one brother who is 3 years older than I and we are not close at all, even though we do love each other very much. We are just too different and have no common interest aside from having the same parents.

 

[srwarden1928]

I am an only. This, as most things in life, has its advantages and its disadvantages. As I look back, I had it very good as a child. I had my alone time as an only, and lots and lots of cousins from time to time to interact with--both of my parents came from large families. I have 21 first cousins, and some of my second cousins were as close as the first cousins.
However, as I got older and had to go through losing my parents, it can be very lonely. In a way its easier to make decisions, I just made them myself and thats it. But cousins just arent the same as siblings. There are some things that can only be shared in the immediate family. All in all I am satisfied with my life the way it has been. There have certainly been times when it would have been nice to have a sibling. There have also been times when it has been a distinct advantage to be an only.

 

[NY_MOM]

To you, and good luck on your surgery. I am an only child, and can say that with pride. I think I turned out pretty well...although as a teen I was pretty self-centered( but what teenager isn't?) I grew into a very compassionate, caring and well prepared adult. Thanks to my parents, who made sure to let me know, that because I was an only did not mean that I was the center of the universe...although I was the center of their universe. I am now the mother of an only DD-5 who is the center of our universe. However, we've always stressed to her the importance of being a kind, compassionate and well rounded person. Although, she gets alot, we talk to her and stress to her how fortunate she is, and that we should always be thankful for what we have. I don't know if DD will stay an only, that is still up for discussion. But for right now, we are all happy and satisfied with the way things are. As I get older there are times when I wish I had a sibling to share things with, especially as my parents age. It would be nice to have someone to be there when mom&dad are no longer there, however the relationship I have with my parents is wonderfullly special, and I feel blessed. So, again good luck with you surgery and have a wonderful time raising, nurturing and loving that little ray of sunshine.

 

[james'mommy]

My DS6 is an only and I wouldn't have it any other way. We decided to have one child for many reasons. Mostly because of money. Because we have only one child we will be able to afford to send him to college and pay his student loans for him (don't tell him- up until graduation he will think that he is paying the loans so that he feels responsible for his education). I was just thinking the other day that I only have 10 more years of carting him around. We plan on buying him a car when he turns 16 (but I think he's going to have to cash in some of his bonds so he understands the great cost of cars). We are able to spend time and money on his activities. He has swimming class once a week, Taekwondo 2 times a week and soccer come spring. Even better we can afford to send him to Taekwondo summer camp so he can train 5 days a week (even though I am a sahm).

But the most important thing we are able to provide our son is a global education. We travel frequently and make a point to visit non touristy places and to expose him to how the local people live. He's had a passport since he was 6 weeks old. He doesn't remember being all over Europe but we do and talk often about it and plan to visit Europe many times in the future. He has already made his first trip request. He wants to go to Eygpt. A little to adventurous with a 6 year old so we are holding off that trip until he's maybe 8. I want him to grow up and realize that he has been blessed by being born in America and that he appreciates all the modern conviences he has.

 

[DawnM]

welllll......I am probably not the person you want to hear from, but I will speak anyway.

I grew up as an only. I hated it. I did have lots of friends and that helped, but overall, I wanted siblings.

I now have 3 children. 2 are biological and my youngest is adopted. He has fit in right along with my other 2 boys and they fight and play just as if he was born to us. So.....this doesn't have to be the end. there are options.

Dawn

 

[PollyannaMom]

Parent of a "not-at-all-like-the-stereotype" only here, as well. - Whichever poster said everything has it's advantages and disadvantages was SO right! Whether a parent has one child or a bunch, it's all about taking advantage of what's good about that situation, and compensating as you can for what's bad about it. You can raise a great kid either way!

P.S. - Best of luck with your surgery!

 

[LadyShea]

Not to put a negative spin on it, but I find in my life it is sometimes helpful to count your blessings. For example, many with severe endo and PCOS are not able to conceive at all, and you have a DD. How wonderful!

As someone who is infertile, and thought I would never be a Mama at all, I am so completely thrilled and fulfilled with having a son, through a surprise open adoption, I personally feel no desire for more children. DH and I were married 14 years when we finally became parents. Had we not had those experiences, I might not have been so content with an only, but DS is amazing, and enormously loved, and surrounded with people of all ages to interact with. I truly do not believe lack of a sibling will be detrimental to him.

Best wishes for a successful surgery, quick recovery, and hopefully more pain free life afterward

 

[melancholywings]

We're parents of an only by choice and DD is a happy child, she's told me numerous times that she's glad to be an only and has never been a kid to ask for siblings. Having an only has also allowed us to afford a different lifestyle (and travel more) than our friends with multiples. We know we are in a better position to help her with college, a car or a future home. And it is very important to me as a parent to be able to do these things for her.
I find that the hardest thing about it is DD is socially more mature than her peers in some ways and has problems connecting - she's very outgoing and loving but she doesn't know how to fight back or handle teasing (things you learn when you have a sibling). And I think when she grows up I'll have a very difficult time with empty nest as there's no other child to help with it - though DD has told me she is going to live with us forever and ever.

 

[esbrick]

Hi OP I am an only and the step mother to an only.

When I was growing up I was taught to be very independent. The theory was/ still is that if you are an only you have only yourself to depend on. It is NOT a lonely thing at all! My parents were both working so I was taken care of by friends parents who had children and whom I'm friends with today. I went to boarding school a half hour away, lived in Ireland during the summers with my aunt & uncle; my parents would pay for my ticket and I would work in my uncle's shop to make money while i was there so I could go out with my friends. He would even keep a little back and give it to me before I came back home so I would have somehting for a new school year. My parents were parents they were not friends and they were very strict but when I look back on things now I appreciate what they did. My mother constantly laments on how she raised me to be tooo independent!

I guess my biggest piece of advice is to be a part of her life but teach her/guide her to make her own decisions. Someday she will have a partner who will be someone she can share her life with so she won't be alone. I am trying to do the same with my DD now and as you know it is a never ending job. When I talk about my parents and me and growing up I always say "When we were growing up. . . " It's the three of us crazies and although there are moments I wouldn't want to relive, I wouldn't change them or my life for anything!

 

[SnowWhite607]

Another mo to an only here! My DD loves being an only and has never wanted siblings. Like some others have said, when you have one, you get to devote ALL your time to that one child. I have friends with 5 and 6 kids and they all have different activities and mom and dad cant go to all of them. Not that there is anything wrong with anyone's choice to have one or more than one....just saying.

I struggled with infertility and we were lucky to have DD after 2 years of trying. She will be our only one as I am 40 and hubby just turned 49.

She is the absolute light of our lives and we are so lucky to have her.

DisneyAllison, (I am Allyson too!) I wish you the best of luck with your surgery!

 

[Tnkrbelle565]

Another PCOS mommy with one DD. I wanted to let you know that I often go through the same internal battles about what is best. But, bottom line, as women with PCOS, we were lucky to have the ones we had. So I'll be thankful for her and let her enjoy all the priviledges life as an only affords her (yearly Disney trips, LOTS of extracurricular activies, private school, etc).

 

[wii fit mama]

DD13 is an only and she is a great kid. We worked very hard to treat her special, but don't spoil her so she is not like the "typical only". When she was younger she "expected" everyone to pay lots of attention to her but is mostly over that. She is a really nice kid who gets along with everyone and has a lot of friends. We really enjoy her and are able to afford a lot of extra things for her, but she is actually very thrifty. She says I spend too much money.

DH and I have 3 sibs each and they are a lot of work/trouble so I don't feel that she is missing out by not having any.

I had a hysterectomy a few years ago and it has really made my life a lot easier! I had the surgery due to complications from uterine fibroids and feel it was one of the best things I ever did. Like you, I was very scared before the surgery but I was able to have a very quick, easy recovery. I was told my recovery would be 3-4 weeks since they were able to do the surgery ******lly. Since I am self employed I was back at work, part time within two weeks, full time within 3. Good luck!

 

[Kit'smommy]

Not to put a negative spin on it, but I find in my life it is sometimes helpful to count your blessings. For example, many with severe endo and PCOS are not able to conceive at all, and you have a DD. How wonderful!

As someone who is infertile, and thought I would never be a Mama at all, I am so completely thrilled and fulfilled with having a son, through a surprise open adoption, I personally feel no desire for more children. DH and I were married 14 years when we finally became parents. Had we not had those experiences, I might not have been so content with an only, but DS is amazing, and enormously loved, and surrounded with people of all ages to interact with. I truly do not believe lack of a sibling will be detrimental to him.

Best wishes for a successful surgery, quick recovery, and hopefully more pain free life afterward

What a fantastic post! I have struggled with the desire for another child myself and I think we sometimes pine so for what we still want that we stop seeing what we have. I know I would not feel as grateful for my DS if things had worked out more easily when we were first trying to add to our family.

 

[kristilew]

We are a "one and done" family by choice. DD11 loves being an only and says she plans to have an only as well.

She hates listening to her friends fight with their sibs, and hates that other moms often try to force their younger child on playdates with dd's friends. Every single time she comes home from visiting at a house with mulitple kids, I hear "thank you so much that I am an only child!"

I feel like I'm a better mother and a better wife for not having my attention and energy divided between lots of kids. I never have to choose between my kid and my husband. There's plenty of time and emotional capital for both.

Having said all that, I think only you can know what is right for you and your family. Focus on getting healthy, then ask yourself what really feels best for you. As pp's have said, there are lots of ways to add to your family if that's what you really want. But if that's the way you go, do it because you really feel compelled, not because you're worried about your daughter being an only.

 

[disneybridetobe]

*HUGS* I'm sorry you have to go through this! I have PCOS, too. My grandmother and mom had Endo, so I'm next in line. Reproductive problems are the pits, aren't they?

Anywho..

I'm an only and it's really OK! I have a very different view of the world as many people with siblings. It's not a bad thing, it's just different. I'm a pretty independent person. My mom raised me to be independent and self-reliant. Like a PP said, it's how you raise your DD. I was always my mom's "partner" and we got through life together. It's still that way, she just has a son-in-law as another partner I just knew that life wasn't peaches and cream, because I saw these things growing up. There was no shell shock when I got out on my own that things break and sometimes *you* (the only) have to be the one to fix them, and life isn't going to be handed to you on a silver platter. I think as long as she knows that, she's golden.

I can't lie and say it doesn't get lonely, sure it does. But on the other hand, DH has two siblings, and honestly, I'm closer to my cousins than he is his siblings. BIL lives in Germany, and SIL lives three towns over. We see BIL and SIL about equally... <eye roll>

I'm sorry I wasn't clearer, I tried my best!

The long and the short of it is, she'll be just fine. She may not understand why she doesn't have a brother or sister now, but she will in time. She may whine a little bit that she's lonely, that's OK. It'll happen. A big part of me enjoys being an only. Like I said, it's different, but its not bad at all!

*hugs* and speedy recovery.