OT Need Unbiased Opinions on MIL issue

[DISNEYFOS]

Why should our birthdays get less important as we get older?
Frankly I think they become more worth celebrating - in this ever frustrating, difficult and sometimes outright cruel world... each birthday is a time to celebrate another year we survived. It takes a lot more to survive 65 years then 33 (my grandma's age and mine respectively) - therefore I think the 65 year old actually has more to celebrate.

I've just found once you have children, Adult birthdays just seem to take a back seat. Children are just so much more thrilled about turning a year older, a big party with all their friends to play, etc. Its just such a joy to see birthdays thru their eyes..
My birthday is Oct 31st. I've always taken a back seat to Halloween parties and trick/treating...even more so now that I have a child that dresses up and goes out. Its not a big deal..My DH and I usually try to plan a dinner or something..but when its convenient...and sometimes its just not. If an adult birthday competes with a childs I think the child's trumps it.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I say you are obsessing about this too much. I do encourage the cake or even gift basket in the room. that would be very nice and make her feel special. Memories by Betsy is great!!

Thanks I think you are right. I do tend to obsess when there is conflict.

Posting all this and talking it thru has helped tremendously. Sometimes it just helps to get it out

I think If I was to get all freudian about this..I would say prior to her sons marriage, She shared a birthday month with her golden child.....now she has a grandchild and a DIL who also have the same birthday and it bothers her to no end..

But anyways..I need to stop thinking about this before it drives me nuts.

 

[fey_spirit]

But has everyone agreed? Given some of what I've read from the OP the MIL was never really given much of a say in the matter. Maybe she feels the need for her own celebration because it is quite obvious that while this is being called a "family" birthday event - in fact it revolves around the girls... and is really in fact more a birthday celebration for them.

And you know I do agree with the concept of "You can't always get what you want" applying to adults as well - but I really don't think that having a small birthday celebration that is actually ABOUT YOU for your birthday - is asking too much...

What would anyone say if the roles were reversed? Say the big celebration was going to be a trip to someplace the MIL would love and the adults could really get into - but the kids would be bored stiff. A celebration that obviously revolved around the MIL, would anyone think that was fair to the kids? Would anyone think the kids were selfish if they wanted a little family celebration that was actually about them? Of course not - so why the double standard?

I agree.

You are planning a whole trip as a the "family" birthday trip. You have all chosen to take a vacation together to celebrate birthdays. I think that you are giving her plenty of time and don't see the need for a second birthday celebration in addition to the trip. I would make sure there is a cake or some other special treat on the day of her birthday in WDW and make sure to sing, etc. We have a similar situation in March - DH, SIL, BIL and my birthday all fall within a week of each other and it makes March insane. We have an event one day of each and every weekend between now and Christmas. Thus, I totally get the whole "busy" factor and with packing for your trip, dealing with the sleep deprivation that comes when you have a newborn, throwing your dd's birthday party for her school friends and seeing your side of the family for the Oct birthdays, since they won't be travelling with you,
you have enough on your plate.

/QUOTE]

 

[fey_spirit]

First she's a grandma to the kids - you make time. Why? Because no matter how busy she was if something important came up you would expect her to make time to take care of the kids if you needed her too.

That's what good families do - they make time to take care of each other no matter how busy they are.

But as to the point of communication - I will concur that the MIL could have made this much easier had she said something long ago. Unfortunately she probably comes from a time period when these skills weren't stressed, and unless someone takes time out to teach her effective communication skills she isn't going to get any better. To quote Mya Angelu (Sp?) "When you know better - you do better".

I know how frustrating it can be to deal with those who haven't been trained in communication, and it's importance - I have my mother, grandmother and great grandmother to contend with. =)
That said - you have to remember that as backwards as it may seem to us now, many times people from that era, were taught that it was rude to say such things... esp if you happened to be female.

Really, I feel for the OP! I realize birthdays are important, but enough already. You have a new baby and a busy life. It seems you do spend a fair bit of time with them already. If she didn't want to go to Disney, she probably should have voiced that awhile ago. Then you could have gone to Disney with whoever wanted to go. Every party has a pooper!

Communication - if she didn't like the plan, then it's her responsiblity to say, "hey, what your doing by taking us all out to CRT is very gerenerous and I look forward to being with everyone, but if it's at all possible, I would like to do something different to celebrate my birthday. The kids will have a great time at CRT - I'm sure, but I like a different kind of gathering. Do you think we could find some time and plan that?"

Good luck and *enjoy* your vacation!

 

[fey_spirit]

Just because it's not a big deal to you - doesn't mean it shouldn't be a big deal to anyone. Should the fact that there are many adults out there who would think you're nuts for loving Disney mean you shouldn't? That the world shouldn't matter to you? I mean it doesn't matter to them.

I think your last quote is a clear indication of the Youth cult that runs rampant in our society. We hold the young up as the holy grail, and all that matters in this world - while degenerating the worth of the elderly.
I'll never think that's ok. I will never believe that a child is worth more then a teen, or that a teen is worth more then an adult, or that an adult is worth more then an elder.

Each stage of life brings separate gifts, all are worth - and all deserve - celebration equally. The children are our hope for the future, our teens are that hope in the breath before it uncurls into this world, adults are our present - everything that happens in this moment, and elders are our past... the keepers of the wisdom from years hard won. Why is hope worth more then wisdom? Why is it more worthy of celebration?

I've just found once you have children, Adult birthdays just seem to take a back seat. Children are just so much more thrilled about turning a year older, a big party with all their friends to play, etc. Its just such a joy to see birthdays thru their eyes..
My birthday is Oct 31st. I've always taken a back seat to Halloween parties and trick/treating...even more so now that I have a child that dresses up and goes out. Its not a big deal..My DH and I usually try to plan a dinner or something..but when its convenient...and sometimes its just not. If an adult birthday competes with a childs I think the child's trumps it.

 

[flipflop]

It appears everyone agreed to this birthday vacation. Perhaps the OP can confirm that taking a family birthday vacation was agreed upon by all and that MIL was happy about taking a family birthday vacation during the birthday month?

The OP expressed that she had planned CRT as the birthday celebration. Yes, that event is going to be about the girls and wasn't a specific MIL celebration. However, that one lunch and BBB certainly isn't going to take up the entire trip. And, as I expressed in my firts post, I think since MIL has now expressed her displeasure about not having a separate celebration for her birthday that having a birthday cake or other special treat for MIL in WDW is sufficient and a separate event, at home, before taking the large family birthday vacation isn't necessary. Having cake or another special treat is ABOUT MIL and not everyone else.

Since I started dating DH, I have had to share my birthday with 3 ILs - none of us gets a separate birthday party anymore and we have all lived through the experience. There are times that I miss having a separate birthday party that's just about me but I can't change that 3 other people in my extended family have birthdays at the same time (SIL and I have the same birthday).

I do think MIL asking for a separate birthday celebration before the family birthday trip IS asking too much, when the birthday can be acknowledged and celebrated while on vacation. I think your premise of role reversal is flawed. The expectation in terms of maturity should not be the same for a child and a 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 or 70 year old. That is not to say that adults can't have needs, wants or desires but who would expect a 5 year old to respond to a lack of a birthday party in the same manner as a 60 year old.

But has everyone agreed? Given some of what I've read from the OP the MIL was never really given much of a say in the matter. Maybe she feels the need for her own celebration because it is quite obvious that while this is being called a "family" birthday event - in fact it revolves around the girls... and is really in fact more a birthday celebration for them.

And you know I do agree with the concept of "You can't always get what you want" applying to adults as well - but I really don't think that having a small birthday celebration that is actually ABOUT YOU for your birthday - is asking too much...

What would anyone say if the roles were reversed? Say the big celebration was going to be a trip to someplace the MIL would love and the adults could really get into - but the kids would be bored stiff. A celebration that obviously revolved around the MIL, would anyone think that was fair to the kids? Would anyone think the kids were selfish if they wanted a little family celebration that was actually about them? Of course not - so why the double standard?

I agree.

You are planning a whole trip as a the "family" birthday trip. You have all chosen to take a vacation together to celebrate birthdays. I think that you are giving her plenty of time and don't see the need for a second birthday celebration in addition to the trip. I would make sure there is a cake or some other special treat on the day of her birthday in WDW and make sure to sing, etc. We have a similar situation in March - DH, SIL, BIL and my birthday all fall within a week of each other and it makes March insane. We have an event one day of each and every weekend between now and Christmas. Thus, I totally get the whole "busy" factor and with packing for your trip, dealing with the sleep deprivation that comes when you have a newborn, throwing your dd's birthday party for her school friends and seeing your side of the family for the Oct birthdays, since they won't be travelling with you,
you have enough on your plate.

/QUOTE]

 

[fey_spirit]

I think that really depends on whether you define agrees as "Didn't object" or "said yes I want to do this as my birthday celebration"...

As I've stated if she had a problem she should have spoken sooner - however if she didn't say anything one way or another - that isn't actually giving outright agreement.

I have no problem with the dinner being about the girls, heck I wouldn't have a problem if they expected MIL to pay for her dinner there if she doesn't feel that it is about her birthday anyway. And I love your idea of doing it while there. I never said it was a bad idea, or that I disapproved. As a matter of fact one of the reasons I didn't feel compelled to offer this solution was because so many others had already done a wonderful job of covering that angle.

You can't change the fact that they have birthdays at the same time as you, no. But if it really bothers you - you can speak up, and I believe you deserve to have what you need for your birthday. Isn't speaking up where we can all agree the MIL should have started if she had a problem with the original plan?
If you want something else - tell someone.

Let me clarify - I do not think that MIL demanding that something be done before the event would necessarily be a fair demand. But I don't think that there is anything wrong in asking that something be done specifically for her at some point surrounding her birthday, whether that be shortly before - during - or after the trip.

I agree that the response of a five year old and the response of a sixty year old should be different. However the MIL hasn't thrown herself on the ground and started screaming yet so I think she's safe there (teasing)... trying to lighten things with a little humor...

I believe that just because we can expect that the older one is the more mature their response to a given situation should be, that doesn't mean that the basic pain at not having a need met, or the right to have our needs met by those who love us becomes any less.

It appears everyone agreed to this birthday vacation. Perhaps the OP can confirm that taking a family birthday vacation was agreed upon by all and that MIL was happy about taking a family birthday vacation during the birthday month?

The OP expressed that she had planned CRT as the birthday celebration. Yes, that event is going to be about the girls and wasn't a specific MIL celebration. However, that one lunch and BBB certainly isn't going to take up the entire trip. And, as I expressed in my firts post, I think since MIL has now expressed her displeasure about not having a separate celebration for her birthday that having a birthday cake or other special treat for MIL in WDW is sufficient and a separate event, at home, before taking the large family birthday vacation isn't necessary. Having cake or another special treat is ABOUT MIL and not everyone else.

Since I started dating DH, I have had to share my birthday with 3 ILs - none of us gets a separate birthday party anymore and we have all lived through the experience. There are times that I miss having a separate birthday party that's just about me but I can't change that 3 other people in my extended family have birthdays at the same time (SIL and I have the same birthday).

I do think MIL asking for a separate birthday celebration before the family birthday trip IS asking too much, when the birthday can be acknowledged and celebrated while on vacation. I think your premise of role reversal is flawed. The expectation in terms of maturity should not be the same for a child and a 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 or 70 year old. That is not to say that adults can't have needs, wants or desires but who would expect a 5 year old to respond to a lack of a birthday party in the same manner as a 60 year old.

 

[tlbwriter]

Oh just to add. She really doesn't even like to go out to eat. She doesn't like to spend money. Her preference is for us to spend a whole weekend at her house (very small town in NH, nothing around for miles), TV can't be turned on (my BIL is a sports freak so he loves this), just sit in a room and chat. Which is basically just her peppering us with questions while she downs bottles of wine.

Then I'm surprised you thought she would be happy with a WDW trip. It sounds like everything she hates.

Okay, so you planned this to celebrate everybody's birthdays. But this isn't what she wants for her birthday. It's something she dislikes doing. Her reaction is probably the same that yours would be if she said she'd planned a wonderful birthday for everyone that consisted of spending the weekend at her house drinking wine. It's not fair to her to insist that her birthday be celebrated the way *you* want her to celebrate it. Obviously she has some issues (a visit didn't count because your parents were there? please!), but wanting to choose the way she celebrates her own birthday is not one of them. Let her plan her own little celebration. Just tell her that you will not be able to attend until after the WDW trip.

Oh, and be prepared for her to tell you she hasn't seen you in a long time, and the trip didn't count because it was at WDW and not her house.

 

[LilBlackSheep]

I've just found once you have children, Adult birthdays just seem to take a back seat.

All birthdays are important, no matter how old you are.

It's certainly much better than the alternative.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Then I'm surprised you thought she would be happy with a WDW trip. It sounds like everything she hates.

Let her plan her own little celebration. Just tell her that you will not be able to attend until after the WDW trip.

Oh, and be prepared for her to tell you she hasn't seen you in a long time, and the trip didn't count because it was at WDW and not her house.

Most definitely, the trip was not planned specifically to please her..no arguments there. It was geared towards the kids and my Dneice specifically who has never been. It was all about her grandchildren. And if she didn't want to go that would of been fine as well.

I've got nothing against a separate event all about her, planned by her..no problems..just after the trip...not try to squeeze it in before we leave. She has stated she wants it before the trip..so what do you do I guess you give it to her.

Its not that I don't think birthdays are important for everyone..but I guess you can't expect everyone to throw you a party every year. Just my opinion of course.

 

[tlbwriter]

I've got nothing against a separate event all about her, planned by her..no problems..just after the trip...not try to squeeze it in before we leave. She has stated she wants it before the trip..so what do you do I guess you give it to her.

No, you tell her "I'm sorry, but we can't possibly do that. We simply don't have time. We can do something after the trip." Repeat, repeat, repeat.

 

[MommyBoo!]

No, you tell her "I'm sorry, but we can't possibly do that. We simply don't have time. We can do something after the trip." Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Agreed. Maybe give her a specific date after your trip? That might help.

While we do celebrate everybody's birthday, most of the time for the adults it is dinner (sometimes in, sometimes out) and dessert and presents at the nearest house. No party - just short and sweet.

 

[fey_spirit]

Now see, to further clarify my point - I consider this a party...
Birthday Party=Friends and or Family come together, good food and sometimes pressis to commemorate the date of your birth.

Agreed. Maybe give her a specific date after your trip? That might help.

While we do celebrate everybody's birthday, most of the time for the adults it is dinner (sometimes in, sometimes out) and dessert and presents at the nearest house. No party - just short and sweet.

 

[fey_spirit]

Tell her that you love her and you want this to be special, but in order to have the time to do it right - you need to do it after you get back. Make the reason for waiting all about getting it right for her.

I've got nothing against a separate event all about her, planned by her..no problems..just after the trip...not try to squeeze it in before we leave. She has stated she wants it before the trip..so what do you do I guess you give it to her.

 

[mikymouse]

She probably has no idea how very busy you are and dosen't remember how tired you are. If you give her your limited windows of availability then she might agree to a date after the trip. It dosen't sound like you are blowing her off just to get your nails done at the spa or anything but maybe she doesn't know that. I know my parent's are pure tuckered out when they try to hang with our crazy non-stop schedule.

 

[MommyBoo!]

Now see, to further clarify my point - I consider this a party...
Birthday Party=Friends and or Family come together, good food and sometimes pressis to commemorate the date of your birth.

Now see, a party in our family is a lot longer than just a few hours. A birthday celebration, yes, a party, no. There are also a lot more people at our parties. Different strokes...

 

[fey_spirit]

LOL - See I figured if I threw this information in the ring I might look a little less unreasonable. And hearing that my idea of a party isn't most folks idea of a party re-frames the discussion for me as well.

I guess I can't figure out what you would do at an adult's party for more then an hour or so... you come, you eat, you eat cake - you open presents you go home... what else is there to do?

Now see, a party in our family is a lot longer than just a few hours. A birthday celebration, yes, a party, no. There are also a lot more people at our parties. Different strokes...

 

[MommyBoo!]

LOL - See I figured if I threw this information in the ring I might look a little less unreasonable. And hearing that my idea of a party isn't most folks idea of a party re-frames the discussion for me as well.

I guess I can't figure out what you would do at an adult's party for more then an hour or so... you come, you eat, you eat cake - you open presents you go home... what else is there to do?

That's why we just do dinner for the adults (unless it's a milestone or something like the goodbye party we went to recently for a family member who was moving out of state) which is what I said. It's also why I said that we don't consider dinner and dessert a party.

And why do you have to "do" anything at a party? We enjoy spending time together and usually spend the time talking with each other. And that includes just dinner or a party.

 

[fey_spirit]

Well of course we talk when we eat... and open presents and there is some lingering over the meal...
But I have to be doing something - mostly because I'm a bit ADD and can't sit still without being active. To give you an idea I have fire Fox - at the moment I have ten windows open, but right around 30 tabs.

I can engage in long deep and in depth conversations, just not with my family. We love each other, but I'm the black sheep, the rebel and the freak... so there really isn't a lot to get in depth about when we get together.

That's why we just do dinner for the adults (unless it's a milestone or something like the goodbye party we went to recently for a family member who was moving out of state) which is what I said. It's also why I said that we don't consider dinner and dessert a party.

And why do you have to "do" anything at a party? We enjoy spending time together and usually spend the time talking with each other. And that includes just dinner or a party.

 

[MommyBoo!]

Well of course we talk when we eat... and open presents and there is some lingering over the meal...
But I have to be doing something - mostly because I'm a bit ADD and can't sit still without being active. To give you an idea I have fire Fox - at the moment I have ten windows open, but right around 30 tabs.

I can engage in long deep and in depth conversations, just not with my family. We love each other, but I'm the black sheep, the rebel and the freak... so there really isn't a lot to get in depth about when we get together.

Ahhhh. See, we have 3 kids, 1 in preschool, 1 in elementary school, 1 in junior high and all involved in sports and clubs. They are the only kids on DH's side. That alone is good for hours of conversation. And I get to relax because someone else is cooking dinner and the kids are busy telling grandma, grandpa and their aunt ALL about their busy lives.