OT: Need help w/family dog situation - update on Baxter

[JJ&JSMOM]

Well its near that time for our dog Baxter - hes getting older and having trouble getting up. I did a post re: Baxter back in November when he was diagnosed w/a nerve disease that would eventually kill all sensation in his hind end making it difficult to get up and move around. It comes down to quality of life at this point & this decision has been so hard. I have the list of books that everyone suggested but what do I do/say beforehand. The books help afterwards but what about before?

Although my greatest concern is for Baxter, I am concerned about our 3 children, ages 2, 4 & 8. Our vet said he could come here to "put Baxter to sleep." Dh and I agreed we need to make arrangements for the children to be gone. What do I tell them? What can they handle at their ages? If anybody has been in this situation please let me know what they said/did? I know the 2 & 4 year old won't understand. The 8 yr would probably understand a little but he is very sensitive so I have to very careful what I say. How do I have them say their final goodbyes w/o telling them it'll be the last time?

I'm not sure whether to say Baxter was really sick and the vet came & took him back to the office and Baxter died. I am so afraid of explaining exactly what happened - I'm afraid DS8 will think I let the vet kill Baxter.

So sorry this is such a depressing subject but I knew my fellow disers would be so helpful. Thanks in advance for any advice.

 

[eliza61]

Oh, I'm so sorry. To tell you the truth, when our german shepard "Bullet" died I swear I was an absolute wreck, far worse than the kids. Have the kids
noticed he's been sick. If they did you have part of the battle crossed. My kids noticed that "bullet" couldn't walk anymore and he had loss sight in 1 eye. So by the time he had contracted a stomach disease,we had been telling them the dog was very old and at the end of his life for a while. I wouldn't tell him that this will be the last time he sees "baxter" but I would start telling them that Baxter is really old and really sick and is not going to get better. I would reinforce that the vets are really trying to help Baxter but he probably won't get better.

Good Luck and give "Baxter" a belly rub for me. Isn't it amazing how they get under our skin and in our hearts.

 

[JJ&JSMOM]

Oh, I'm so sorry. To tell you the truth, when our german shepard "Bullet" died I swear I was an absolute wreck, far worse than the kids. Have the kids
noticed he's been sick. If they did you have part of the battle crossed. My kids noticed that "bullet" couldn't walk anymore and he had loss sight in 1 eye. So by the time he had contracted a stomach disease,we had been telling them the dog was very old and at the end of his life for a while. I wouldn't tell him that this will be the last time he sees "baxter" but I would start telling them that Baxter is really old and really sick and is not going to get better. I would reinforce that the vets are really trying to help Baxter but he probably won't get better.

Good Luck and give "Baxter" a belly rub for me. Isn't it amazing how they get under our skin and in our hearts.

Sorry about Bullet. Yes they are a part of our family - I wish their lives were longer. I wish Baxter could stay w/us longer. The kids have known since January that Baxter is sick and not getting any better. This is so hard! I will definitely keep telling them and that the vet is Baxter's friend and wants to help him.

Baxter loves his belly rub - I will definitely give him an extra belly rub today! Thank you for your kind words and advice.

 

[rbork]

Been in your position. My sympathy for your impending loss.
I've learned the best way is to be honest with the kid's. They WON'T like it, but neither do you and that's totally normal and a part of life. My kid's did not witness the dog going to sleep but I have been there petting/stroking and whispering. I found it a positive thing to be with the dog or person while their dying. (Been there and done BOTH Very comforting.
Good Luck and Do What's right for you.

 

[Davidsmommy]

We had to put our rotty Morgan to sleep in 2006. My kids were 6 and 2. The 2 year old didn't really have a clue (I don't think she remembers Morgan now). My son wasn't that upset - he was upset that I was upset I think, but he was very matter of fact about it, which surprised me, because he is actually pretty sensitive. I was truthful with him. He knew she was very sick and that this was the best thing for her. We still have another dog, so maybe that made it easier?

It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I was a wreck for a couple of weeks. I'm sorry.

 

[K9pal]

Oh, I'm SO sorry! We've been through that several times (previously had a rottie, a German shepherd and a Czech shepherd, have a choc lab now). We didn't have small children, so I can't help you much there.

What a wonderful, caring vet you have that will come to your house for this! Your family is in my thoughts as you say goodbye to Baxter.

 

[hugabearjo]

I am truly sorry for what you are going through, I went through this with our beloved starlight 2.5 years ago. I started tearing reading your story. I really think that honesty is the best policy. Kids are smart and will figure it out. I really believe that it was harder on me then them. They understood much more then, I think I did.

I am a single mom and unfortunately I think they had to comfort me as I lost my best friend. My kids were a bit older they were DS14, DS12, DS10. I didn't give them the details, just that her life here on earth was over. I too, was with her when she died. I don't know if I think that it was best. Everyone is different. We have since lost 3 cats at different times and I didn't go in with them and it was easier on my. Granted, I had a different relationship with the cats then the Dog.

Mostly, I wanted to give you support that you and your family will heal. If your family beliefs are such that you can draw comfort from, that will help. It was the hardest thing I ever did but, had to be done. Remember the only way to avoid hurt is to have never loved at all. I think my kids understand that. They are pressuring me to another dog because Grandma is thinking about it.

Time heals. I had a friend that took a lock of hair and a foot print before and she charishes those. I also will mention this because I didn't know or it wasn't availible when I lost my dog growning up and I wish I did. Cremation is avaliable for animals.

my heart goes out to you.

 

[virginiamama]

I'm so sorry for what your family is going through. Just two weeks ago we had our 9-year old boxer Cinder put to sleep. We still have her littermate (sister) Diamond, so that is a comfort. Cinder had lymphoma and a large tumor. We were blessed that she had 3 months of 100% quality of life since her diagnosis, during her chemotherapy treatments, and right up until her last day. We took advantage of this long goodbye. DH and I had suffered an extremely sudden loss of our first dog, so we were determined to make the best of the time we had left with Cinder. We took her camping, to the beach, took tons of pictures and had fun with her although it was bittersweet. We didn't hide anything from the kids. We have DS7 and DS3. They saw me cry often both before and after she was gone, so they know it is okay to be sad. I've answered all of the questions DS7 has had (including those about cremation) as honestly and simply as I could. He knew during the last week of her life that her time was short, so we gave her tons of extra love, and lots of tablescraps. When her tumor ruptured, he saw that she was bleeding (even though she was still wagging her tail and chasing balls in the yard) and we told him that he needed to say goodbye before he went to school. We have not used the words "put to sleep" around the boys. I had read online that it can cause kids to worry that they might die when they fall asleep. I explained that the vet would help her to die gently, and that she would die in the next day or so anyway, and this was the kindest thing we could do for her. He has delt with it extremely well. Surprisingly, DS3 has not mentioned her. He told her goodbye but of course he had no idea that it was a forever goodbye. Even after two weeks, it is still very raw. Her bowl is still in its place, we haven't gotten used to the habit filling only one water bowl. We couldn't have asked for a gentler end to her life. I think all of our emotional preparation has helped a lot though. Bless your family as you travel this road that all animal lovers must go down at some point. It is the price we pay for having these sweet creatures in our lives.

Ellen

 

[JJ&JSMOM]

Thank you so much for your words and experiences. I am sorry for all your losses. I was present when we had to put our collie down (my first dog that I remember well) - he was my best friend growing up. Prior to that we had a german shepard/collie mix that when it was time for her to go my mom (I was 9 or 10) took her while I was in school. I never said my goodbyes - I think thats why I'm so sensitive to my kids needs as well as Baxter's. I will be present w/Baxter as much as I'd like to hide. He's truly my dog - he has been so loyal and just the way he looks at me you can tell its a mutual love. Sorry for being so corny.

I've tried to do more things w/Baxter but he just doesn't seem to want to do anything anymore - its too much effort. He'll go outside w/the family maybe once or twice a week and lays under his favorite Blue Spruce tree but thats it! Not much of a life - he sleeps all day and has started doing his business on the rug - its time. Baxter has his pride and dignity-he is such a magnificent animal. Baxter is a 200 lb Newfoundland - I always wanted one growing up and I finally got one at age 29. Hes a great family dog & very protective of the children in his own laid back Newfy way! Thanks again to all of you. I will keep you all informed as the days go by!

 

[JohnsonsRUs]

I'm so sorry about your pet! We had to have our dog put to sleep last year at about this same time. It was difficult to break the news to DD who was 8 at the time, especially because when I told her that the vet had to put the dog to sleep, she didn't understand what I was talking about and I had to come out and say she died, so I would stay away from using the "put to sleep" terminology.

She understood, but still talks about it and gets sad when she sees other dogs that look the same. It helps to have pictures or something to help her remember her by, maybe make a scrapbook or put a picture/momento in a frame for his bedroom.

Our daughter doesn't think the vet killed the dog or anything like that, in fact, she had to do an interview project for school and wanted to interview the vet hospital. She took some pictures and asked us afterward if the room where they do surgeries is where our dog died.

I guess the bottom line is they can handle more than you would expect, but it is important to be honest and show them that you are sad too and that it's OK to talk about it.

Best Wishes.

 

[james'mommy]

I'm sooo sorry about Baxter. We went through the same thing a year and a half ago with our rottie Elmer. My son was 3 and a half at the time. Elmer got very sick very fast. He had congestove heart failure. We tried medications for a month but it wasn't working. We explained to my son that Elmer was very sick and very old. We told him that dogs don't live as long as people do. We explained that he was going to heaven and he would be in a place where he wouldn't be in pain anymore. We told him that we woluld all be together someday. I bought both my son and my husband rottie stuffed animals and gave them to them the night before we put Elmer down. I told them that the stuffed animals were from Elmer so that they would remember he will always be with them. My son took it pretty well except for a while he was scared any time we needed to take our other dog to the vet. He would ask if she was coming back home. We didn't explain cremation to him (we still haven't) so he things the urn on the mantle is just something that helps us honor Elmer. We needed to get a new puppy relatively soon after Elmer passed because our boxer was deeply depressed. It was much easier for my son to accept the new puppy than it was for me and DH. Good luck and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

 

[jakoky]

I am so sorry for you...last november we realized our black lab/springer spaniel was not well...we went back and forth to the vet and the beginning of december he told us her lungs were full of tumors and told us to take her home and spoil her for the weekend(he thought she wouldnt last for more than 3 days)..We were blessed and got 3 more weeks with her-my kids were dd-15, ds-13, and dd-11 so for them(and me) i was very thankful for this...she had no appetite and it came down to hand feeding her-she would take hard boiled eggs and weiners and very little else...she was due to be "put down" on a tuesday and on the monday night we had to do an emergency call to the vet-we couldnt stand to watch her struggle anymore...my oldest dd and husband took her, and it was my oldest dd who went in the room after the needle and stayed with her....she came home in tears, but to this day i think she is thankful she got to say goodbye and i am so glad she did it because i know that i couldnt have...i do believe you need to be as honest as you can with the kids, but at the same time spare them all the gory details...i think i would say that baxter is just so sick that it is time for her to go to doggy heaven where she can run and play again and he happy and healthy...unless they ask for details, you are good, but if they ask, they may be ready to hear bits of things...my kids were older, so they knew everything and for days we all cried very easily and for months, we all kept thinking shyla was around, it was like she was with us still...we have since gotten a new yellow lab pup who is 5 1/2 months and she has truly helped the kids heal...I wish you all the best
sharon

 

[JJ&JSMOM]

Thank you for all your experiences - it has truly helped. I will be honest w/my kids but careful w/my words. They have seen me cry and I've told them off and on that Baxter's not getting any better. Today my DS8 asked why I was so sad and I said that Baxter is really failing fast and I'm not sure how much time we left w/him. I told him to spend some extra time w/Baxter and let Baxter know just how much he is loved. Baxter is well loved in the neighborhood - as he is the only Newf and Newfs are rare around here. Off and on our neighbors stop by to chat & always ask how the bear is (Baxter).

Thanks again - I'm sure it was difficult for all of you to relive the day you had to say goodbye.

 

[Order66]

Sorry for your aging pup. I've put many dogs down in my life and it never gets easier. We had dogs before the boys were born so some of them were already mature when they arrived. Right now 3 of our 4 are older than the kids. As much as it saddens us, death is a part of life and children need to find that out sometime in their lives. For a lot of kids their first experience is the family pet. I explained death to them the same way I would have if it had been a human family member who passes away. I believe in being honest with them, of course at whatever level they can understand it. Tell them it makes everyone sad and it's OK to feel however they feel. Encourage them to do something special to remember him. Include your religious beliefs if it helps them cope. Now my biggest problem is when they have attended a few funerals, they ask if that person is now with our dogs.

Whether or not to make it a family afffair or without the kids is a personal choice. Where I work we have adult owners who can't be there when it's done. We chose to have the kids present when it was done as well as the two times I had to take my mother and her dog for it. I simply explained to them that the dogs were old, hurting badly and they would be dying and we wouldn't see them again. The veterinarian was there to help them by giving them a shot that would take their pain forever. It didn't mean we didn't love them, but that we loved them enough not to let them suffer. Of course I put it appropriate for their age. If you're going to give details make sure you explain that the doctor is not the bad guy. My one son was a little scared the next time we went to the vet. He was afraid that dog would be dying too. He was quickly over it once he understood that was not happening. Now they happily go with me. The vet's office has legos.

My kids have dealt with it well but we have always had multiple dogs so the house is never empty. We lost one in November and adopted a new one in February. So they understand that some day, a very long time from now, we will see our old dogs in heaven. And eventually when we are ready, a different dog will take it's place. It won't be the same, but will be just as much fun.

 

[JJ&JSMOM]

Just wanted to thank all those that replied. Baxter was "put to sleep" today - just about an hour ago. It was the hardest decision we have ever made but we know it was the right one. Baxter was a newfoundland - majestic, dignified, & beautiful dog that will be in our hearts forever! Thanks again for all the responses to this post it was very helpful rereading them during the past 48 hours.

 

[solferino]

I'm so sorry.

 

[hugabearjo]

I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray you will be comforted in your memories of him. I commend you on such a hard decision, I too agree it was one of the hardest ones I have ever made. He was a very loved friend that is apparent.

 

[acadia1960]

So sorry about Baxter. Years ago I worked for the veterinary hospital in Augusta, one of our clients had several newfs. She had 4 or 5, & would walk on Western Avenue everyday. What a sight to see. They were always so well behaved & loving when they came in.

 

[bluejaygirl]

Another Mainer here. I am so sorry for your loss...it is so hard to go through and sometimes people dont seem to understand how much we love our pets.. they are family and it hurts to say goodbye.

I love Newfies.. in fact I was at the vet today and saw one who had just been groomed. I have a 15 1/2 year old dachshund, and one of my Corgis was born with malformed kidneys and is in kidney failure. ( we are at the vet a LOT) So we always have "the end" on our minds. I bought the book "Saying Goodbye to Lulu" but I can't even open it without crying, let alone try to choke the words out to the kids.

Baxter sounds like a wonderful dog, I'm glad he had the chance to be a part of a family that sounds as loving as yours.

 

[JJ&JSMOM]

Thank you for all your kind words. It has been a really hard day probably the hardest I've ever had.

solferino: Thank you.

hugabearjo: Thank you for your prayers. Our memories of Baxter have been very comforting today - he was a wonderful animal.

acadia1960: I would be in absolute heaven walking 4 or 5 Newfies. Baxter was about 210 lbs - a very large male Newf. Not overweight - just very muscular. His lines were all large - his grandfather was a work dog/carting dog on the farm. His Mom was large as well. Wonderful animals - I can't say enough about newfies.

bluejaygirl: It is hard to say good bye but I've read "A Dog's Prayer" by Beth Norman Harris a couple times today & it is comforting. Our kids are doing fine - I'll check out that book you mentioned. They're doing much better then I am but I know time will help. Best wishes to you & your animals. I must say enjoy every moment - I wish I could give Baxter another big hug.

Take care.