OT : My 2 year old keeps getting picked on.

[Zeebs]

Hello everyone I thought I might pick your brains on a wee problem we are having.

I have a 2 year old boy, cute as a button if I do say so myself. He is a lovely wee lad, and that isn't just his Mum talking as all the other Mums love him as well.

He just always seems to be on the receiving end of being picked on (smacked around, pushed, hit etc) by his peers.

Now they are all only 2 as well and I understand that this is what two year olds do and as long as the other Mums discipline them in an appropriate manner, which they do, then I am happy to let it slide as the kids are just learning their way in the world and will eventually come right.

I am just wondering if there is anything I can do so he isn't always on the receiving end of it. He is pretty placid and will be quite happily playing with a toy and someone will come and take it. He can be a bit of a sook sometimes (said in a lovely way) and will cry rather than hit back, (which I know is better than retaliating with his fists but sometimes I wish he would stand up for himself) He is a bit smaller than the other kids so maybe that is why he is a bit of an easy target.

Sometimes they all play so nicely with each other it is great. I don't want to not go to my coffee morning as then he will get beat up at home by an insane Mum (just kidding) but we need to get out of the house and how will anyone learn anything if they are kept away from the group (I have also said this to the other Mums so they don't keep their wee ones at home as well)

Anyway I suspect there isn't much I can do I just wanted to "talk" about it with others and see if there were any suggestions.

A picture of my boys.

Kirsten

 

[K and K's Mommy]

Your boys are the cutest!!!

I think 2 is such a hard age because they are still so self-centered and don't always understand how their actions can hurt others. Have you taught him to say "Don't hit me. It hurts." That might get their attention.

If the other moms are disciplining, one can only hope the other boys should soon learn. My youngest had a hitter in his three year old class this year. I know he was immediately removed and had a time-out.

Good luck!

 

[Narnia]

My just turning 3 DD gets picked on but she's odd and doesn't cry just gives them a look to say "what the heck was that for". She is getting better at telling me but I think there really isn't anything you can do until they understand a bit more.

 

[polineedyan]

well, mum..two is a rough age..if you feel like your kid is always getting beat on, then I would probably take it up with the other parents, because they are NOT dealing with it appropriately. If they feel they are, and it still happens, then remove your child.
Our daughter is 2 1/2..one day along came this boy in her class, who did not really have manners. Well, the teachers told her to tell him. " DONT PUSH ME, It HURTS." well, it seemed that ALL she wanted to talk about at home was this kid who pushed her, and it became this BIG issue with her.. I could see my wife and her playing this victim mentality, and saying the kid was bad and all this. I wasnt having that. Kids push, and kids say dont push. Its natural. Needless to say, it did stop. And now, my daughter just loves this boy. had we kept on with the 'joey's a bad kid' attitude, she'd have never gotten it. It would have gotten worse.
I dont think you want your child to be aggressive at this age, he's too young to discern when its okay, and when its not. We dont push or hit, will suffice. And if other kids are doing it, you can take it up with the parents, or remove the child. I wouldnt discuss it any further than "tell them dont hit me" with your child. You want him to be forgiving, and docile. Even in adulthood.
Its not bullying at this age, its just kids being kids..

 

[rt2dz]

DS7 used to get picked on by one little boy in his playgroup at around that age. My oldest is the sweetest little thing and the other mother couldn't quite figure it out either. Then one day (like after close to a year) my DS just had it; he pushed right back--hard. The other little boy was hurt. I was horrified. The other mom laughed and told me he had it coming and he would be fine. All the other mom's knew it was coming too, sooner or later. The other little boy never picked on my DS again and DS has never hurt anyone else ever again. They actually became really good friends after that.

 

[Maggie'sMom]

Unfortunately, the picking on and pushing around happens at that age. As a PP mentioned, toddlers are very egocentric and don't understand that others have feelings too. At my DD's preschool, they teach the children to say "That hurts my body/feelings. Move away." They find that teaching the children to speak up for themselves and express their thoughts and emotions helps all the children become less egocentric.

 

[Stephres]

My son had the same problem, and it seemed to me that it was highlighted by the fact that he was an early talker. He could tell me and the other moms exactly what they what was happening, which I thought was good because we could intercede. I now realize that it wasn't that good in the long run, because he never dealt with the kids, only the parents. Even now at eight years old, he seems a little more comfortable talking with adults rather than kids his own age.

I would encourage your cutie son to try to relate to the other kids as best as he can. I know that distraction is a great technique at that age as well, but I would really like for your son to relate to the other kids as he is able. Good luck!

 

[adell557]

Well, My DS who is only 20 months is the bully of my DD almost 4. He likes to take things away from her, push, regular 2 year old stuff and she just kind of lets them go. I have talked to Grace about telling me when something happens, and saying No or stop to Ben. I haven't told her to hit back, b/c I don't want to break that habit b/c I know that it will carry over to school etc. I would talk to him about saying no or stop to the other children I think.

 

[karliebug]

The trouble with most two year olds is that they are impulsive, egocentric and don't have a lot of verbal skills to make their needs known. So they grab,push or even hit to get what they want. I do think that teaching your child to be more verbal and stand up for himself will help. Also, if adults witness what is happening they should intercede on the victims behalf. For example, if a child pulls a truck away from another he should be told "you would like to play with the truck, but Ben is using it now." and give the truck back to Ben. Then distract the other child by offering him another toy and ask Ben "when you are finished with the truck, will you please give it to Tom?". Children who push or hit need to know that it is not acceptable, but their feelings shouldn't be ignored. "you seem angry that Ben has the truck but we don't hit our friends, you need to use your words". I would have the child apologize to the victim. Social skills are complicated and need to be taught. If you just ignore it and miss opportunities to teach proper social skills it really won't improve.

 

[Louisianafive]

Wow! Being 2 is rough! This is the perfect age to start developing their verbal skills. I am a Preschool Teacher and mother. I like to tell children on both sides of this issue - "use your words". I even give an example of what to say - "I dont like you hitting me!". Sometimes the child has this empowering look as if he has just realized the power he holds!! Of course, this is a process and takes time to become an instant reaction. And you will ALWAYS have those children that think they can hit, kick and bite whenever and whomever they want! It can be frustrating. Keep talking to the other moms. Your example of this and of maintaining friendships with these ladies is a great lesson for the children!

Hang in there!

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

I don't think hes "getting picked on" its just what kids at that age do. My DD is 3, and when we drive past a neighbors house (who has a child around her age) she says "Look Mommy, its my friends house." yet every time we go over there, it seems like all the do is fight about who is playing with what toy, etc. DD3 plays well with her sister 20m, but not always - it just takes time, they have to mature... maybe it will happen before college!!

 

[Zeebs]

Thanks very much for all the replies guys.

I will try to get him to say "don't hit me it hurts" when someone else hits him. I know that it is just typical 2 year old behaviour which is why I don't want to pull him out of the group and vice versus for the other kids as I suspect it will eventually ease off.

The group we "hang" with is made up normally of 4 boys and 1 girl and I guess I wonder why it seems to be always Cullen on the receiving end of the pushes and shoves. They others don't seem to try it on much with each other, except for taking toys but that is just standard.

You know as a Mum you read more into things than are there and I guess I am just worried that he is shaping up for a life of being picked on. I agree with a PP though not to play the victim or finger point a particular person we don't dwell on it I think he is over it pretty much after he has stopped crying and moves onto something else to play with.

I totally agree that these are just normal 2 year olds and they will just get on with it in their own way.

Anyway the way his brother is growing he will be able to beat the others up for his brother before long.

Kirsten

 

[laughinplace199]

First of all, your boys are adorable!

My DD8 was exactly like this when she was a toddler. She was always the one getting pushed or having a toy grabbed out of her hand. Whenever this happened, she would just cry and come to me. She never pushed, hit, or grabbed toys from anyone else. My DS was a totally different story, but I digress...

I talked to her ped about it and he said it's just her nature and if more people were like her, the world would be a nicer place. He didn't really have any other advice though. I think you can just remind your DS before he sees his friends that he needs to speak up if they're not playing nicely.

The others will grow out of this phase soon enough, so hang in there.

 

[Zeebs]

First of all, your boys are adorable!

My DD8 was exactly like this when she was a toddler. She was always the one getting pushed or having a toy grabbed out of her hand. Whenever this happened, she would just cry and come to me. She never pushed, hit, or grabbed toys from anyone else. My DS was a totally different story, but I digress...

I talked to her ped about it and he said it's just her nature and if more people were like her, the world would be a nicer place. He didn't really have any other advice though. I think you can just remind your DS before he sees his friends that he needs to speak up if they're not playing nicely.

The others will grow out of this phase soon enough, so hang in there.

Thanks, this post made me feel so much better about the situation

Kirsten

 

[Piper]

This is probably not happening in your situation, but this is a situation I encountered. My niece told me that her almost 3 year old daughter was being picked on in her play group. She said that every time they got together, her daughter ended up in tears.

One day, I went with her to the group. What I noticed was that all the kids were taking toys away from each other, pushing, etc. She was just oblivious to what was happening to the others (and never seemed to notice when her daughter took another child's toy.) Also, every time someone pushed her daughter or took something away, she lept into the middle of the situation. She did not let her child handle it herself....and her daughter cried. The other 3 mothers only stepped in when it was serious. Their kiddos had begun learning how to handle things better.

 

[Princess Roo]

Oh -this is something I worry about so much with my son, too! He is just not a hitter and is much more likely to break into tears than push someone or take the toy back. It stinks, because we don't want to teach them to be aggressive, but we also don't want them to be targets. The best I've come up with is, as others have said, to teach him to stand up for himself vocally as much as possible. Since they're young, you may need to intervene, too, but try not to when possible. I surely hope my son (and yours) will not end up growing up as targets for being picked on, but if so, I want to try to teach him how to stand up for himself from as early an age as possible, so he'll know how when I'm not around all the time.
We started working on this about a year ago (he's 3.5 now) and at the time, told him to say "Not nice!" since it is easy to say for a little one, and have since taught him to use full sentences to tell the person (like, "Don't take that. I'm playing with it."). We also wouldn't help him if he was just crying (for having a toy taken - not if he was really hurt, of course) and told him that he had to stop crying and tell us calmly before we would help. He has gotten much better and will attempt words for a while before the tears start now. (And the words almost always work with the 3+ year olds...our main problem now is the 2yo younger siblings we play with - LOL!)

I hope it gets better soon!